Original subtitles

Joanna, have you seen George?

George who?

Utley. Oh, George Utley.

Well, have you?

Who wants to know?

Joanna, are you trying to tell me something?

George is at the airport picking up my Aunt Louise.

Aunt Louise, the psychopath?

He's not a psychopath, teacher.

Whimsical.

Right. And she whimsically tried to blow up our wedding.

You make so much out of a little bomb scare.

I mean, that woman hates me. She doesn't hate you.

She just felt that you weren't much of a... bargain.

Anyway, I thought if she came for a visit that I could prove to her that you

a... bargain.

Do you know that after 19 years when I called her, she actually cried?

Well, maybe one of her tear gas canisters went off in her fiction.

Hi and hello, Dick and Joe. Hi, Michael. Have you two ever heard of a thing

called a budget?

Isn't that some sort of a parakeet?

No, Dick, that's a budgie.

Yeah, I know. See, that was my funny answer.

Yes, we've heard of a budget.

Well, we hadn't until this morning. We were watching TV, and Darren thought

Samantha was spending too much money, so he put her on this budget.

But Indora felt that Samantha should just twitch her nose and not worry about

finances. So Indora and Darren had it out, and then she turned him into a

hattic.

Well, if a budget worked for a witch and her husband, I don't see why it

wouldn't work for the two of you.

And we have fewer expenses than Darren and Samantha.

We pay zero for rent. We live here free.

We pay zero for food. We eat here free.

Zero for long -distance calls. We sneak in at night after your sleep and use the

phone for free.

Then where does your money go?

To buy clothes, of course.

You don't expect us to wear yours.

Michael, that horn.

That's the unmistakable sound of a brand -new Rolls -Royce Corniche.

Leaping lap of luxury, it is.

Oh, my God.

Michael, you act like you've never seen a Rose before.

My parents buy a new one every six months.

I'm the same way with underwear.

It's not the coach, it's the coach men.

Larry, his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

Michael has already announced you.

We'll let this one go.

But in future, please refrain from such unauthorized introductions.

What are you guys doing with the Rolls Royce? We bought it at the Rolls Royce

store.

Puppers, can we buy one, too?

Michael, we're on a budget.

Darn, I didn't know a budget meant skimping.

Well, cheer up. Let's go eat some of Dick and Joanna's food.

How could you fellas afford such an expensive car?

Easy. We just liquidated all our assets, including home and cafe.

Of course, we had to unshackle ourselves from the unrealistic budgetary

guidelines set forth by Darren and Samantha Stevens.

Guys, if you put all your money in the car, how can you afford to eat?

It appears we've made a gross miscalculation.

But we'll muddle through.

Do you still have that brochure on cannibalism?

That sounds like our doorbell.

Hope it's not another one of those Jehovah's Witnesses.

I like your car, guys. Thanks. If we expire from malnutrition, it's yours.

All right!

George, where's Aunt Louise?

She's probably waiting outside until that suitcase explodes.

Aunt

Louise!

Dear, dear Margaret.

It's Joanna.

Ah, dear, dear Joanna.

You're just as lovely as the day you were married. Oh.

Obviously you saw her before the...

Bomb squad dogs sniffed her out.

Well, I can see that you're still in an angry place about the little bomb scare.

Would you like to box my ears or punch me right in the eye?

Not really. I wouldn't mind wrapping your knuckles for sending Joanna's old

boyfriend up to the honeymoon suite.

Rad, petty bone.

I'd almost forgotten about him. Listen, I can't blame you for hating me and my

pranks. I tell you what.

Go ahead.

Take your best shot.

Put the glasses back on, Aunt Louise.

You want to hit me with my glasses on?

Okay. Sounds a little thick to me, but go ahead.

Aunt Louise, Dick is not going to hit you.

Oh, listen, Dick.

I didn't think you were going to forgive me right off the bat.

When I did something to spoil your wedding...

It was just because I didn't think you were much of a bargain.

I wanted the very best for Joanna, and I mean, who in his right mind would have

thought that was you?

Geez, Louise, I... I think I'm touched.

Oh, apologizing is so exhausting.

I think I'll take a nap.

I'll show you to your room. Oh, good.

Feel free to pummel me while I'm sleeping.

What happened to all that lobster you and Joanna were eating last night?

We finished it.

Glutton.

A little more coffee, Aunt Louise? Just a whole cup, please.

You know, I ran across one of your books last night while I was settling in.

Old Lampshades. More than just party hats?

Yeah, that was my first and only pop -up book.

Yes, when I opened it... the bejeebies out of it.

You know, Joanna, you've got a very talented husband here.

He's a writer, an innkeeper, and an international TV celebrity.

Oh, I just host a little local show.

Well, you can't be more than 70, and I'm sure you'll find your stride pretty

soon.

Listen, I just remembered. I bought you two a wedding present. George left it in

the lobby.

Listen,

will you be here when I get back?

How long will you be?

Ten seconds.

Yeah, we'll hang out.

She really seems to like you now.

Yeah, I feel a little guilty about having her hauled in for questioning

the wedding.

Oh, good, you're still here.

Well,

you like it?

A giant...

Rectangle wrapped in paper. What's not to like?

No, no, there's something inside. Open it. Oh, good.

You

recognize

the couple?

It's me with Benjamin Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin, that's Dick.

What's wrong with you, Joanna? Don't you recognize your own husband?

Well, where do you want to hang it?

Well... I know a very, very special place.

Special place?

You know, upstairs, way, way, way at the end of the hall near the emergency

exit.

There'll be lots of foot traffic.

Only if we have an air raid drill.

We're going to hang this in the lobby right over the fireplace.

Oh, perfect.

All your guests can come and stare at your rare, luminescent beauty, Joanna.

Then they can look at Dick.

You've halted our introduction due to the sight of a curious new addition to

your lobby.

Yeah, Joanna's Aunt Louise painted it.

The artist has truly captured the luminous quality of your flesh tones.

Huh? I'll ask.

Daryl wonders what you're doing with Angie Dickinson.

Angie and I used to date years ago.

Really?

We've seen every episode of her hackneyed yet truly poignant series,

Woman.

Yeah, I cut off all ties after she made Big Bad Mama 2.

Daryl also considers that a black mark on an otherwise stellar career.

Anyway, we've solved our cash flow problems. It seems the masses in China

money to have their pictures taken in exotic cars.

We've embarked on a similar venture to the tune of a buck a photo.

Ten bucks for nudies.

Dan, I... I guess you'll... you'll be moving to China?

Shake a tail, Shutterbugs. We're losing the light.

Who needs the Chinese masters when we have Michael?

Come on, Daryl. Let's set up the baby spots for the day -for -night shot.

Take a peep at these Polaroids, Pop.

Michael, is that you spread -eagled on the hood in Tiger Prince Speedos?

It's as skimpy as I could get without popping for the ten bucks.

The baby oil gives me a rough -and -ready sheen, don't you think?

Definitely. Michael, are these sad cries for attention within your budget?

If you don't tell Steph about these, I'll wash the Speedos and you can borrow

them.

Well, we're off to the airport.

The car's all packed.

Dick, I'm so glad we reconciled. Now I know you'll be there when they drop my

body into the ground.

And if I'm lucky, you'll be the first one to shovel dirt on my grave.

Well, thanks for leaving me with such a lovely thought.

Don't mention it. Bye now.

See ya.

So long. Toodles.

Toodles.

God, Joanna looks so ridiculous.

Seeing something that beautiful makes me know for sure there's a God.

Not a benevolent one.

It's wrong for me to covet that painting, isn't it?

You like it?

Who wouldn't? It's great art.

I can tell because the eyes seem to follow you wherever you go.

George, since you're such a connoisseur of fine art, would you like to own

this?

Oh, I don't know.

Taking this masterpiece from the Stratford would be like taking the Mona

from the Montpelier Museum.

The, uh, the Mona Lisa's in the Louvre.

Well, right.

I was thinking of the Venus de Milo.

Of course. Well, uh, if you like it, George, you can have it. Well, I

take a wedding gift.

What if I bought it?

Okay, um, what do you think it's worth?

A masterpiece like that?

Five dollars?

Sold.

I have to tell you, I was prepared to go even higher. As high as $5 .50. I

wouldn't want you to dip into your retirement fund, George.

Boy, this is going to look great next to my red skeleton clown plates.

I could have sworn I left that book on the nightstand.

George?

What are you doing with that painting?

Dick just sold it to me.

For five bucks.

Dick, how could you sell that painting?

It was a gift to both of us. I know, but George really, really coveted this

piece of art.

Oh, I wish I'd never come back to find my copy of Ants Who Love Too Much.

I'm going to go take a nap.

What about your flight?

How did I fly when my guts had been torn out of my body like my gallbladder was

last October?

All right, maybe I had a little lapse in judgment. Oh, shut up, Dick.

I should have married Brad Pettibone when I had the chance.

What a mess.

How did I ever let you talk me into buying your wedding present?

Maybe I'm the devil, George.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to return this.

Want your $5 back?

I thought it was $5 .50.

Maybe you're the devil, George.

Joanna, don't you think this silent treatment is a little immature?

And selling my aunt's painting isn't? Oh, come on. You can't honestly say you

like that thing. I love that thing.

Jesus.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, just... Oh,

fine.

First you sell our wedding gift, now you're insulting my taste.

Jerk. What's that supposed to mean? Nothing, just... Jerk.

Well, finish the formal wear shoot.

Say, Dickbo.

Would you happen to have a gladiator outfit I can borrow?

Darn. Mine's in the shop.

I'm having it buffed.

Michael, don't you think you're wasting an awful lot of money on something so

vain and frivolous?

Are you guys talking about me again?

Michael,

you have on evening wear. It's barely dark.

I know I usually wear my after six after six, but tonight I was feeling kind

of... It's no use.

I can't hide it from my muffin P .I. any longer.

Here.

Oh, my God.

These are...

Gorgeous. I've never seen you looking so sultry.

L .D. and D. took them. Only a buck a pop.

What a steal.

But wait, there's something wrong with these pictures. I can't put my finger on

it.

You aren't in them?

That's it.

Well, there's only one solution.

Dump them and start from scratch.

What about your budget?

If God had wanted us to be in a budget, he wouldn't have made us so photogenic.

Amen.

Can I help you?

Thanks anyway, pal. I've already had my shoes shined today.

This is a lovely likeness of Joanna.

But what's she doing with Ben Franklin?

She was a founding father groupie.

Who are you?

Brad! Brad Pettibone. Oh, thank Allah you're here.

I jetted up as soon as I got your call. Now, what sort of trouble is Joanna

having? Marital trouble.

The husband is a monster.

He's trying to pull me in my sleep.

The cad.

I knew the husband was no bargain.

I should have snuck Joanna out of that bridal suite when I had the chance.

I thought I remembered you from my honeymoon.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch the name. Dick Loudon. The husband you'll be

replacing. Oh, of course.

My, 19 years have taken their toll on you, haven't they?

I've been ill. I ate some bad scallops.

Pettibone? My God, Joanna.

Every bit the vision you were on your wedding night.

What are you doing here?

Wacky Louise sent for me.

She told me the sad, sad news of your marital breakup. So, so sorry.

Well, despite what you've been told, my marriage to Dick isn't over.

Yet.

Let's not talk ugly. We're too beautiful for that.

Let's talk about how your face becomes more breathtaking with every breath you

take, with every move you make.

You always could turn a phrase.

And a stomach.

What say we jet down to Palm Beach for a naughty weekend of sun, fun, and me?

Shall we?

I'd love to, Brad.

But I'm afraid I can't. Isn't she cute when she's playing hard to get? I taught

her all that.

What a proud moment this must be in your life.

What's the problem, my beauty?

Well, Palm Beach sounds wonderful, but my hair's a mess, and my luggage is in

the attic, and I'm sort of, kind of, more or less, for better or worse,

worse, married to Dick.

Why is it, my pet, that so many fun times are spoiled by wedlock?

Tell me about it.

Goodbye, my dream girl.

Let's not make it another 19 years, shall we?

Goodbye, old girl.

We gave it a shot, didn't we? Always not, Ross Brand.

Hang by the phone.

Oh, uh, bye -bye.

Any idea how much those three lads are charging to pose by the row?

A buck a shot.

Mm -hmm.

How about nudies?

Ten bucks.

Hmm. That's interesting.

Oh, boys!

Aunt Louise, I appreciate what you tried to do.

Yes, we're both very grateful.

I mean, I admit Dick did a very stupid thing selling your painting. He's not

perfect, and God knows he never will be.

Please, Joanna, I think I'm going to cry.

But I married him in spite of all his shortcomings and everyone's disapproval,

and he frequently makes me happy, so I guess I'm stuck with... What's his name

here?

I love you too, Joanna.

It's obvious that you two are crazy about each other. Why do I do the things

do?

Because you're out of your mind.

I suppose you're right.

I'm going to take a nap.

I'll be up to pummel you in a little while.

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Joanna, if you hadn't been married to me, would you have flown to Palm Beach

with Brad?

I think I'll take a nap, too.

Thank God George was right.

Meow.