Original subtitles

Honey, would you pass the roast?

Here you go.

Stupid bacon!

Butter with that?

No, I think I'll try marmalade.

That mood, you know?

Stupid parsley!

Excuse me, I'm not usually one to pry, but is your maid possessed?

No, no, that's just her cooking method.

He liked to intimidate the food.

Actually, there's a reason behind my squawks.

She's got the baby in the belly hormone blues.

She's eight months pregnant.

Oh.

Oh.

There's nothing to worry about. Just treat her the way we do. Pretend she's a

live grenade.

Here's your stupid bacon and eggs.

I didn't order bacon and eggs. I ordered pancakes.

The pin is out of the grenade.

Well, I didn't make pancakes.

I made bacon and eggs.

But I don't like bacon.

You will the way I made it.

I tenderized it.

I threw it against the wall.

Stephanie, go make Mr. Jenkins his pancakes.

Why? Because he asked for them?

Well, maybe now on I should just go from table to table asking everybody what

they want.

I'll just go to a restaurant. And good luck on the birth of your child. Oh,

dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How could I have said that?

No, it's okay. I understand.

Don't you even think of touching me.

Hon, I thought New Englanders were supposed to be nice and normal.

That'll teach you not to stereotype people.

Stephanie, you were very rude to our guest.

Get off my back, woman.

And knock off this guest, champ.

You charge people to stay here.

Give birth already.

Mr. Jenkins!

Michael!

Why didn't you stick up for me?

I was just trying to remain neutral, you know, like Switzerland and... Quick,

Dick, what other country is neutral?

Michael, I order you to take sides. You were totally in the right.

Don't patronize me.

You were totally in the wrong.

Traitor. There was no correct answer, was there?

Leave me alone.

No offense, Michael, but right now I can't stand the sight of you.

Oh, no, you're not going to cry, are you?

I'll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to.

You would cry too if this happened to you.

Why are you staring at me? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Well, your eggs are. Sorry, sorry.

Here's a wacky idea. Why don't you take my car and go shopping? You know, get

some fresh air and...

And maybe your sanity back.

You trying to get rid of me, buddy?

I'd rather not answer that. It sounds like one of your trick questions.

Okay.

Maybe I will go shopping.

Yay.

I'll drive over to Johnny Cake Mall.

Just hope no stupid, stupid pedestrians get in my way.

Why don't I drive you over there? You know, give us a...

Chance to talk some more. Oh, that'll be a thrill.

Oh, hi, Michael.

Hi, George.

Is something wrong?

Uh, no.

No, just, uh, played a quick game of hide and whimper.

Oh. Well, I hope you win.

Hey there, Georgie boy.

Wait.

There, there is something wrong.

I thought so.

My, uh, my sweet and sour Steph yelled at me and wounded me with her wicked

words.

She did seem angry.

She just drove by with Dick and threw a soda can at my head.

I'll have some story to tell at the recycling center.

She told this punching bag boy she couldn't stand the sight of him.

Well, if it's any consolation, Michael, I can't get enough of you.

Thank you, George. That's the nicest lie you ever told.

It was nothing.

You know, you should look on the bright side.

You mean I don't have a Diet Dr. Pepper dent in my head like you do?

No, no.

That at least you have someone to yell at you. Who do I have?

Nobody.

That's right.

And you have a kid on the way who'll probably yell at you, too.

Who do I have?

Nobody again. Just you, yourself, and ye.

If it weren't for people throwing things at my head, I wouldn't even know I

exist.

Wow, you speak wise words, chemo Georgie.

No matter how bad things seem for moi, I mean, your lot is a lot worse. You must

be miserable.

Thanks for the pep, pal.

So

glad

you decided to stay.

You'll see, other than Stephanie, the rest of us New Englanders are nice and

normal.

Oh, oh, hi, Georgia.

Hi, Mr. Jenkins.

George, what are you doing down there?

I'm playing a quick game of hide and whimper.

Because nobody wants to yell at me.

I'll be checking out now.

Mr. Jenkins!

you play hide -and -whimper in your own damn room?

Mr. Jenkins!

She yelled at me.

Honestly, Dick.

You are the slowest driver I have ever seen.

Well, you know, I mean, how much time would we have saved even if I had run

those ducks?

Well, I guess we'll never know, will we?

Oh, my God.

That's a Giannina Bruzzese.

The new spring line came out and I didn't even know it.

I can't believe it got by the both of us.

Excuse me, miss.

I'd like to try on that Giannina Bruzzese.

Maybe you pronounced it wrong.

I'm sorry. I thought you were making a joke.

Trying on a dress is not a joke.

Later on, I'll tell you a real joke, and you can compare the two and learn the

difference.

Now, get me my dress, you four -eyed shop girl, before I make a stink.

Fine.

You know, Stephanie, you were just a tiniest bit rude to that shop girl.

I was?

I didn't say please to that witch, did I?

That was it. And you were also a little hard on Michael before.

You know, especially when you said you couldn't stand the sight of him.

Oh, gee, I hope he didn't take that the wrong way.

I mean, I love Michael.

He's my husband and the father of my baby -to -be.

Oh, I'm going to look gorgeous in that.

Let me try it on. Let me try it on. Maybe in a few months when you're a

less pregnant.

Are you saying you refuse to serve a pregnant woman? Because if you are,

probably illegal and I'll have to sue that cheap polyester frock right off

back.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Maybe if we hurry, we'll get another crack at those ducks.

Especially the one that you claim was, you know, was staring at you.

Dick, this woman is interfering with my God -given right to try on clothes.

I'm sorry, Miss, but you're just too enormous for this dress.

Careful, Miss. She has a loaded can of Dr.

Pepper in her purse.

If you think that dress is too small for my enormous body, just let the damn

thing out.

I can't. There's not enough material.

Then take some from her.

But I am not leaving the store until I try that dress on.

Is that so?

Okay, okay, everyone. Show is over. Please disperse.

Thank you.

Take that dress off. We need the material. Forget it. It's mine.

Dick, rip her dress off.

Okay, folks. Show's over. Please disperse.

Sure, you listen to a guy in uniform.

Help me rip her dress off.

You might want to club her first.

Would you please ask this person to leave? She's frightening the other

I am not frightening anyone.

Am I?

No, no, I'm not being here at all.

Tell you what, if you leave, I'll buy you a cherry slurpee.

How about grape?

Just hit me.

No slurpee for you. Come on.

Get your hands off me.

Would you please hold that dress for me?

She must be crazy.

Am I glad she's gone?

I was scared for my life.

Dick, are you coming or not? She doesn't mean me. My name is Phil.

Dick! Coming, coming.

Mr.

Jenkins?

Mr. Jenkins?

Mr.

Jenkins?

Mr. Jenkins!

Michael, have you seen Mr. Jenkins?

I'm trying to talk him into staying.

No, no, JoJo, I haven't.

Have you seen my hormonal other?

Come to think of it, have you seen Dick? Haven't even laid a partial peeper on

your man, Dick Free.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Have you guys seen a Mr. Jenkins?

No. Have you seen a Steffi? No.

Have you seen Dick?

No.

We're in luck, Daryl. The rapid -fire questions and general confusion leads me

to believe we've stumbled upon a French farce.

Please continue.

Have you checked the pantry?

Zoot -a -lore, I haven't.

You see, in classic French farce, people often hide in pantries, unless they're

dead. in which case they sit in chairs while others hold one -sided

conversations with them.

The harried innkeeper has arrived.

Let's see if we can follow the action.

Stephanie's in jail. We have to bail her out. My cupcake's in a cage. Why?

I'll tell you on the way.

The harried innkeeper beats the hasty retreat, followed closely by the

male ingenue.

Why did you do that? You missed him by a split second.

Timing is everything in the forest.

Hence the failure of Marblehead Manor.

Do you know where he went?

Yes, with Michael. Do you know where Michael went? Yes, with Dick.

Good farce must have comedy.

Moliere said it best when he said, go for the yucks.

Dick!

Michael! Mr. Jenkins!

It appears to be intermission.

as intermission is over. Mr. Jenkins, we presume?

Uh, yes.

Miss Joanna's looking for you. She's right outside.

Oh, no. I guess I'll have to sneak out at night.

Hear that, Daryl? Two shows a day.

Let us ourselves beat a hasty retreat and get gussied up for this evening

performance.

Not often you find good French farce in Vermont.

Or a good egg cream.

Every time you're near, just like me,

they like to be close to you.

Knock off the singing.

We prisoners have rights, too, you know. Listen, I can make things easy on you

or I can make them hard.

Make things easy. Get a new face.

This was such a peaceful burg before this baby boom hit.

I like your style.

What are you in for?

I slapped a security guard just to watch him go out.

How about you? Slapped my mailman.

TV guide was late.

And it had Cosby on the cover again.

I slapped my priest.

After he told me this water retention too shall pass.

Yeah, this must be the cell block where they put the slappers.

Well, if people cross us, they're going to pay.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

I slapped Father Ponstel.

Oh, how could I have done that?

He baptized me, for goodness sakes.

And I slapped that nice mailman, Mr. Dinsmore.

It's not his fault. Oh, Bill Cosby is so useless.

Oh,

that poor security guard was just doing his job.

I really should pay for that tooth I cracked.

Hey, I warned you before. Knock off the mood swing.

And poor Michael.

The things I said to him. Oh, I called my husband a walking flamboyant.

You use Dr. Grossman?

I do, too.

Me, too?

No. Yes!

I love that man so much. He's so gentle. And sweet.

Other than my husband and my mailman, Dr.

Grossman's the only man I like getting undressed for.

All right, ladies, let's can the smut.

You here to visit the riffraff?

Actually, just the one riff.

Does there seem to be a theme here?

Michael, you came for me.

And after all the horrible things I said, you are the most wonderful man in

world. No, my man is. No, my men are.

Oh, Michael, being away from you and in the lockup has been torture.

But Muffin, this morning you said you couldn't stand the sight of me.

That wasn't me talking.

That was my raging hormones, and they don't love you like I do.

Aw, Steph.

Oh, Michael.

Aw.

Okay, get away from me.

Go see what's keeping Dick. If I stay here any longer, I might wind up hard

bitter like these two.

Well, no offense, but you two have an edge that's not pretty.

Come on, Dick, shake a shin. My caged cutie wants out of cell block, Mommy.

trying. I've never seen so many damn questions on a form.

You really have to know what type of music I like?

We want our records to be complete.

Just as I thought.

Show tunes.

Here. Do I have to go through a strip search now? Watch it, Loudon.

I could book you for sarcasm one.

All right, blondie.

Flap your wings.

Fly to freedom.

Bye, Norma. Bye, honey. Bye, Debbie.

We'll miss you, Banjo.

Well, I'll see you as soon as the system fits you back out on the streets.

I wouldn't rent a reunion hall just yet.

Problema with the Sing Sing sisters?

Their hubbies are over at Johnny Cake Bar and Grill watching the Patriots

Won't be over till said game is.

The Patriots game is on?

Damn.

How come my mailman always delivers my TV guide late?

Some mailmen need a good slapping.

Well, I'm not leaving until my sisters are sprung, too.

Welcome back, honey. We missed you, Banjo.

Cuppers, what are you doing? You just met these big bad mamas.

When you do time with people, you become very close very quickly.

But, Seth, seeing you withering away in that slammer is more than this Papa Bear

can bear.

Bail them all out, Dick.

I'm not going to bail out total strangers.

Oh, it's always you straight arrows that won't give us cons a break.

Michael, make Dick write another check. Dick, write another check. No.

Do something, Michael. I'm starting to hate the sight of you again.

Jeepers, you do turn on a dime.

Sixers wouldn't say we jitter over to the Johnny Cake and hustle back their

hubbies. Good idea.

Banjo is starting to frighten me.

We'll be back as soon as the game is over.

I heard that, Dick.

And I want your scrawny bodies back here immediately.

Let's hope it goes into triple overtime.

Thanks, Michael.

You're welcome, Dickers.

What are you doing down there?

My ex -con, Cutie, is still gunning for me.

How about you, Mr. Jenkins?

I'm hiding from your wife.

Just like me, they long

to be close to you.

just like me they long to be close to you