Original subtitles

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

What were those names again?

Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other... Larry, I was

just playing with you.

I see.

Huh?

Daryl says if the playfulness ain't out of your system yet, he ain't adverse to

having his tummy tickled.

I think the moment has passed.

Besides a quick tickle, what can we do for you guys?

We've come for some of your sage advice.

Word has trickled down to us that a couple of scientists in Utah, home of

Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the underrated Jimmy Osmond, are taking

an experiment that we performed.

Is it the one where you tried to figure out why popcorn pops but cottage cheese

doesn't?

No. And for future reference, we're no longer involved in the study of food

paradoxes.

This time, we created cold fusion in a bottle.

The hard part was emptying out the ketchup.

Yeah, I heard the scientists in Utah use the wide neck bottles.

Well, luckily, Daryl here has that long reptilian tongue of his.

Our question is, should we sue?

Well, do you have a patent on your experiment?

Of course. We always patent our nuclear breakthroughs.

Also, our line of sugarless beaver pops.

Okay, what's going on?

Every time I say the word patent, you two stare at the floor.

You what?

Seems my brothers didn't mail in the patent after all.

Instead of trading our cow for stamps at the post office, They traded her for

three magic beans.

No, a guy outside sells them. It's a clever scam.

He stands by this really tall bean stall.

Anyone could fall for it.

Well, without a patent, the Nobel Prize Committee will be passing this over once

again.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go home and finish off that three magic bean salad.

Please, give us a room.

I beg of you.

Okay. Oh, bless your soul. How can we ever thank you? Well, just

pay your bill when you check out.

You two look like you could really use a rest.

Well, you see, we just came back from an around -the -world cruise, and it was

the most horrendous six months we've ever spent.

Was Leona Helmsley on board?

We had planned this trip for 40 years.

Every penny we earned at the copper smelter, we put aside for our once -in

-lifetime vacation.

And then it was ruined by this most heinous honeymoon couple who sat at our

table. They turned our dream cruise into a living... Oh, forgive me,

Jehoshabah. Hell!

of our long and hard lives.

Worse than when my poor Obadiah fell into that vat of molten copper.

For a year, my face looked like a big penny.

You've got to be careful around a smelter.

Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay at the Stratford. We have no vats of

copper or obnoxious couples.

Aye and ahoy! We're home!

Hey, Seth!

Those Hendersons. Always on the go.

Michael, hi. Welcome home. Thank you. How was the cruise?

Fantastic. Ma and Pa Vanderkeelen give the best wedding gifts.

So, did you miss us?

Well, I think we all know the answer to that.

Oh, we missed you, too.

Why didn't I bring in your suitcases?

Oh, thanks, George. The cabbie wanted an extra 20 to haul them in. I said, hit

the road, Hack. We've got George powers.

Stephanie! George!

You are just going to love these beautiful silk scarves I bought.

Stephanie, you're pregnant.

Oh, right. I'm radiating for two now.

Anyway, I bought these in this wonderful country where all the people squinted

like they had just come out of a movie theater.

Probably somewhere in Asia.

The Asians are known for their love of films.

I can't believe you're not more excited about this.

Oh, Joanna, we're excited, but the blessed event isn't for three months

I mean, I'm not even showing yet.

No, if it weren't for all that radiating, we wouldn't have even known

pregnant.

Careful, Dick. I made a tugboat joke and spent five nights bunking with the

Hendersons.

Tiffany, do you realize how much you have to do?

I mean, you have to choose a doctor, pick a hospital, start reading baby

Joanna, Michael and I decided we don't want to be those kind of parents.

You know the types, JoJo. The ones who are always trying to get involved with

her child's birth.

Right. You have to cut the cord sometimes.

What about all the shopping you're going to have to do before the baby comes?

Shopping? Michael!

She's right. We only have three months.

Drat. Didn't we buy anything for the baby on the cruise?

How about that ashtray we hoisted from the Henderson State Room?

Wonderful. Now Dick and Joanna know what we got them.

Look at this.

That's okay. You know, it doesn't dilute the thought.

Shop the presses. If we started our prenatal purchasing right now and bought

around the clock, we might just make it before the wee one of wives.

You're right.

We won't get much sleep, but we can always make up for that once the baby's

born.

Let's start.

What about unpacking?

Oh, thanks, Joanna. And if you should happen across a certain ashtray, enjoy.

Two down and 27 to go.

Did you get a load of Stephanie?

Boy, I guess they do serve a lot of food on a cruise.

Steph, is it just me, or does this mall seem to be booming with babies?

No, you're right.

There's young people with babies. and old people with babies?

Look, there's Rosemary. She even has a baby.

Hi, Rosemary.

Oh, he's a frisky devil. I bet he'll be a little hell raiser.

I'll bet you're due soon.

How did she know I was pregnant?

She must have seen us coming out of the maternity shop.

You're small -boned like I am. Giving birth won't be easy for you.

Everything's easy for me.

My family's loaded.

Well, be prepared for the worst.

I was in labor for four painful weeks.

I have stretch marks over 90 % of my body.

And my ankles are still swollen.

Good God!

Oh, you poor thing. Your ankles are thicker than your neck.

But do you know what makes it all worthwhile?

You never have to worry about twisting those things.

Beth.

What exactly is that?

My baby.

Ew.

You're frightening my wife. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Oh, Michael.

I don't want my body ravaged like that woman's. Come on, let's...

Let's sit down. Huh? Feet up.

Keep the old angst from going the redwood route.

Later, we'll check the bookstore for something on the ancient art of ankle

binding.

Sorry to bother you, but my kid's never seen anybody this pregnant before.

So you've met Miss Piggy. You happy now?

First time for you? Yeah. Yeah, it's our starter, Bambino.

You're in for it. You like sports?

Well, I enjoy a good synchronized swimming match as much as the next guy.

No time for that once the baby's born.

Once the kid comes, your life is pretty much over.

But I'm still young. My toenails haven't even begun yellowing.

You'll age quick once the kid comes.

How old do you think I am?

Thirty -five.

Nineteen.

Stop staring. I'm going to get the Cookie Monster to eat you.

Come on, sweetie.

Miss Piggy's washed up anyway.

Steph, why are they taking off that baby's diaper?

I have no idea.

Maybe they hid their credit cards in it.

Oh, Michael, look.

Not so bad. They only do it every couple of hours.

Sometimes they do it every couple of minutes.

Yes. Can you believe it? These sickos actually get a ticket.

Of course, we love it when little Jonathan gives us a present.

Oh, Michael, they think it's a present.

Dad, I'd hate to be at their house Christmas morning.

Michael, promise me I'll never have to change diapers.

There's really nothing to it. Here, you try.

Just... Take a deep breath and now go for it.

If I take a deep breath now, I'll die.

Come on, do it.

Oh, God, oh, God.

In this scene from New Heart, Michael, Dick, and George enjoy a beverage

together at a local pub.

Let's take a closer look with Nick at Night's Classic TV Rewind.

Pessimists say Michael's glass is nearly empty.

Optimists say it's almost full. But what does Michael say?

I should have never had that third sip.

Classic TV Rewind. A second look at shows that are always worth a second

On Nick at Night.

Oh, Michael, what are we going to do?

Well, let's go to bed. Maybe we'll wake up and find this whole nightmare was

perchance a dream.

Michael, this is no dream.

I mean, where's my winged horse?

Where are my near -naked gladiators?

Well, how's our little mommy and daddy?

Looks like our little mommy and daddy need to be changed.

Oh, sure, you can laugh. You're not having the baby.

Well, now, look, you're just nervous. Don't worry.

Dick and I will help out with the baby.

You will?

We will.

And you'll help change the occasional diaper?

There'll be presents in it for you.

And you'll feed it when it turns hungry?

And stay up with it when it turns sick?

And we'll send it to college when it turns 18?

Steph, I have to say it. I love these guys.

Do we get to name the baby, too?

Joanna, it's our child.

Bingo.

I like it, but what if it's a girl?

No, I mean, bingo, it is your child. We're not going to raise it for you.

But you said...

Climbing stairs is an excellent form of exercise.

Not that you need to lose weight.

Pretty tactful, huh, Dick?

You're the smoothest, George.

Michael,

Stephanie is fine.

Pregnancy can just be a very emotional time for a woman. Tell me about it.

these fertile loins of mine.

Here, Dick.

You take him.

I'll go comfort the other pregnant woman.

Dick, am I too fertile?

Yes, yes, Michael. I worry every time you sit close to Joanna on the couch.

Michael, you're a...

You're going to be a father soon, and you're going to have to start learning

act more mature.

And crying like a baby is not, you know, considered

mature.

He's running away from home mature.

Dick, you don't know what I'm going through. I mean, outside of that

How two world ears? You don't know a flying fig about life.

I may not have kids of my own, but I know what you're going through.

You know, when I was 11, I had to take care of something that was completely

dependent on me.

What was it?

It was a guppy.

A puppy? A guppy.

I see. Was this guppy a pet?

No, it was a foster child.

I called my guppy Ethel Merman.

Because of her ability to belt out show tunes?

See, I used to get Ethel Merman mixed up with Esther Williams.

Well, it's a touching tale, Dixters, but a guppy do not compare amid a baby.

Ethel was still a big responsibility.

I was so worried I wouldn't be able to take care of her. It became like an

obsession. You know, I'd clean her tank every day. I'd better the finest brine

shrimp.

I always checked her little body for fin rust.

But I still worried. And after a while, I developed a stammer.

Oh, not you, Dick.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my parents were sure I was on the verge of snapping, and then summer came,

and I went away to camp.

And... Well, that's it.

That's it?

A pithy packet of prose, but where's the parallel?

The point, man, the point.

There doesn't seem to be a point.

I mean, you know, I'm sure I was heading for one.

You know, all my stories have points.

Or at least some sort of heavy -handed moral.

Could it be that guppies make good pets?

No.

Naming a fish after a big Broadway star is the major cause of preteen stammering

in America?

No.

Lightbulb, the point of your fish fable is guppy love.

Guppy love.

Probably.

You're saying Steph and I love our joy bundle the way you loved your fish back,

and we won't mind the sacrifices we'll have to make, right?

Yeah.

That was the...

That was the point I was going for. It's so simple, yet so convoluted.

Well, that's... That's me.

I've got to go run upstairs and tell Mama Muffin your ichthyological allegory

right away.

Hey, thanks, Dickles.

By the by, what, uh... Whatever became of Ms. Ethel?

I don't know.

Cheaper, Dick. I hope I stay in closer touch with my baby than you did with

guppy.

Yeah, hi, Mom.

Listen, whatever happened to Ethel Merman?

No, no, the fish. Not the one that was briefly married to Ernest Borgnine.

You did what?

Well, I don't care if you did give it a 21 flush salute.

It is not the same thing as a Viking funeral.

And it bugged his parents so much, they stuck him in a camp. And Steffi was only

11.

Michael, this doesn't sound like one of Dick's stories.

I mean...

Where's the point? Where's the heavy -handed moral?

Where are the colorful Dickensian characters he uses to suck you into his

Well, they're all there in the form of a guppy called Ethel.

Anyway, the nitty of this gritty is... Love.

What does love have to do with a stammering 11 -year -old?

Darn that dick, he tricked me.

I'm so scared.

Do you think anyone else has ever gone through this before?

No.

We're the first.

Would you... Would you like to cry again?

Yes, I would.

Michael!

What? It kicked! What kicked?

The baby!

Do you think we were crying too loud?

baby kicked.

Dad, so, Steph, we're having a baby.

The miracle that is birth.

Aren't we just too wonderful?

We are, we are.

Oh, Michael, bless those fertile loins of yours.

Did you guys know Stephanie was pregnant?

Homer is flying around.

Why am I always the last to find out?

The same thing happened when World War II ended.

Everybody in town thought it would be so funny not to tell old George.

I'm just grateful Life Magazine did that cover story.

I can't believe my mother flushed Ethel Merman down the toilet.

Stay cool all summer long with Nick

at Night's Block Party Summer.

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