Original subtitles

Honey, do I look all right?

Well, I married you, didn't I?

No, no, I mean the suit.

If you spent the last 35 years in a Soviet labor camp, would you feel

comfortable being interviewed by a guy dressed like this?

I don't think I'd wear a tie that red.

Good, good point.

Maybe I'll wear the blue one with the little ducks.

Yeah.

Live, in color.

And put it from the bonkers bin for a second stab at sanity. It's Michael Not

-So -Not -So Harris.

When were you released from Ridge Valley?

Couple of days ago.

Or maybe a week. I've been so busy relishing life on the outside, I've lost

track of time.

Michael, you were only inside for two weeks.

Astounding, isn't it? I mean, when you see how much I've changed.

It's almost scary.

You see, I learned that even though I lost my jobs, my confidence, my girl,

for a short period of time, my ability to distinguish between my mother and

Esther Roll, I still have me, myself, and I. Nothing else matters.

What about making a living?

Dixter's things take care of themselves. The point is, it's spring. The crocuses

are blooming. The bees are buzzing. Come on, you two. Walk with me. Talk with

me. It's funny. Let's share.

Michael. Hi, Dad.

I heard you were out.

How are you?

Never better in my whole life.

Then why are you staring?

Is it some kind of brain thing?

Or is it these pants with this sweater?

Neither. I just never realized how beautiful you were.

You didn't.

Well, I'm talking about inner beauty, the kind you find in a wise old woman's

wrinkles or in a baby bird sucking up a worm.

Oh, poor Michael.

They did experiments on you.

It's so nice to see what's left of you.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Hi, fellas. What can we do for you? We just dropped by to wish Dick luck on his

live via satellite interview with prisoner of conscience Andrei Zalmanov.

No, thanks. Thanks, guys.

We've often wondered how Daryl would hold up under torture, which is why we

practiced hanging him from the rafters by his thumbs while making him watch

Daryl's interpretive dance to Stravinsky's Rite of Spring.

Hey, uh, Larry and Daryl Ditto, I was about to take a walk and nose the

Care to make it a foursome?

We'll pass.

We don't stick our noses up anything that won't sniff back at us.

Come on, Daryl.

What do you mean there's no picture?

I thought it's a catastrophe.

At least we're not the one on camera dying in front of thousands of viewers.

Oh, hi, Dick. Have a nice show.

Is there a problem?

The feed's not working.

It's either the satellite or the dish.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it's a big, fat joke, Dick.

That's why I got sweat stains the size of pies under my armpits.

Uh -oh.

I wonder if my homing pigeons chewed through the transmitter wires again.

What? You keep pigeons on the roof?

Yeah. I tried keeping them in the men's room, but they kept flying into the

mirror.

Don't you stand there, round up some cat.

I don't know if that's such a good idea.

It might scare my birds.

That's the idea, bud.

Right. I'll take care of it, Paulie. I'll take care of it.

Does this mean we won't get the salmon off feed from Vienna on the monitor?

Guess not.

Look, Dick, a birdie.

Let Michael throw it in the men's room.

I'm going on the air in two minutes in front of thousands of people, and all I

have to show them is a duck tie.

See, birdie?

Duckies.

Michael, didn't they just let you out of an insane asylum?

Well, actually, it was a sanitarium.

But it was a humiliating experience, right?

Well, not really, except for when it was my turn to play hide -the -capsule.

Well, Dick, everything's going to be fine.

Wake up, Michael.

For what?

For the show.

Gee, I don't know. It was embarrassing enough doing it in front of a nurse.

No, no, not that.

You were incarcerated just like Zalmanoff.

Sanitarium, gulag, what's the diff?

Look, forget it. I'm not going to interview Mike. Repeat one of my shows.

Dick, we'd have to tape him to repeat him.

You don't tape my shows?

In five, four... Dick, we won't let you down.

Give me this thing.

There's a story here, Dick. Dig for it.

And now, it's Vermont Today, starring Dick Loudon.

I, uh...

I know you were all expecting Andrei Zalmanov in his first interview after 35

years in a Soviet prison, but due to

technical problems that are really too intricate to discuss... Dick,

I'll put the little fellas in your dressing room.

Instead, we have another guest, and his...

His first interview after 14 grueling days and nights in

a sanitarium. Former WPIV producer, Michael Harris.

Thank you. Thank you, Dick. I'm grateful to be here.

Well, who wouldn't be after that nightmare?

Actually, it wasn't a nightmare, although I did grow to be quite the sofa

But after losing your job, your money, your self -respect, it must have been

impossible to go on.

Oh, why dwell on the past?

I let things get to me.

But I'm back on my rocker now. And why?

Because I live in the moment.

Well, I'm tickled to hear that.

What did you say?

I was looking at my foot. Dick, have you ever really looked at your foot?

Not, you know, avidly.

Well, then join me, Dick. Come on, dig those dogs.

Why don't we go to the phones in case any of you still out there

have something to say to Michael Harris?

Hello, you're on the air with Michael Harris.

Michael, you're such a sensitive soul.

I just know it was a woman who drove you over the edge.

Was it that Stephanie Vanderkellen?

The whole town thinks she's a cold fish.

Darling, bad things happen, but why hold on to them?

Why not let it go? Forget about it.

You see what I'm saying? Try smiling.

I'll do that.

And by the way, your feet are lovely.

Thank you.

Now, isn't that better than listening to some rooski complain for half an hour?

You're on the air with Michael Harris.

Michael, those were wonderful words to live by.

But what words were those?

You know.

Let it go.

Forget about it. Try smiling.

All right, well, I'm just glad they worked for you.

By the way, do you like my feet?

Oh, yeah, I love them. God bless.

Hi, you're on the air with me.

Before you say anything about the show, don't. Fine.

Anyway, I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

I guess you misunderstood my verbal threat.

Hi, Dick. Gee, I really like today's guest.

Shut up, George.

I never realized Michael was so deep. But I guess that's because he's suffered

so.

Don't verbal threats mean anything anymore?

Hi, George, JoJo. Hi, Michael. Dick, you took off before all the excitement.

Even after the show was over, the phones kept ringing.

Everybody wanted my advice.

Strange. I never realized I could have such an effect on people.

Maybe they liked your feet.

Michael, could I ask you a question?

Shoot, G -Man.

I know you said to forget about it, let it go, and try smiling, but I have this

problem. I tried to forget about it, but I just can't.

Can I let it go first? That might make the forgetting easier.

Gee, I don't see why not.

Is it better to smile while I'm letting it go or after?

Well, whatever you find works for you.

What a philosophy. If you taught this to the world, there'd be peace.

He's lost his mind.

Good detective work, Mayor.

The male Caucasian in question is on the premises.

All I said was Michael was probably a dicks.

Hello, officer and a gentleman.

You know, we often watch Dick's show, but this week we liked it.

Michael, your message.

Not to mention the particular manner in which said message was conveyed.

You mean there's a manner in my message?

I'm not one given to flamboyant gesturing, but if I may reconstruct, let

go.

Officer, it was more to the heavens, like so.

Let it go.

The point is, I've been through rolfing and transcendental meditation.

And I've been through Dianetics.

And this is the first thing that may actually help.

They need people like you in the department to talk jumpers off ledges.

Especially now with that three -story building going up.

It's going to be a magnet for losers.

Gee, thanks for those thumbs up.

No, Michael, thank you.

Can you believe what's happening?

I think I finally found my true calling.

Your true calling?

Inspiring mankind.

Well, it's certainly not an overcrowded profession.

Bye, everybody.

George, aren't you going to fix the hot water heater?

Oh, it's such a nice day. I decided to forget about it.

Chowabunga! I'm inspiring everybody.

This is the stupidest town that ever lived.

Are you Stephanie Vanderkellen?

Why, yes.

Then you're the unfeeling shrew who broke that poor Michael's heart.

For your information, he dumped me.

And...

I dumped the oatmeal.

What about her fingers?

Oh, forget about it.

But I just threw hot oatmeal in your lap.

Let it go, dear.

Try smiling.

Let it go.

Try smiling.

If George would do what I pay him to do, I wouldn't have to take cold showers.

He works for me.

He's supposed to fix the hot, hot water heater.

Morning, Dick.

Joanna.

George, you know, we're still waiting for you to fix the heater.

Let it go, Joanna.

We don't want to let it go. We want it fixed today, George. Forget about it.

smiling.

I can't. My lips haven't thawed out yet.

I think I'll drink my coffee on the porch.

There's a baby caterpillar inching up a twig, and I want to be there.

Oh, a baby one.

That's it. This has gone too far.

Because of Michael's idiot philosophy, nothing is getting done around here.

Hello, friends and flock.

Can I put this up in the lobby? There's still a few tickets left.

Michael Harris in his only Vermont appearance. What does this mean? You

Vermont.

Well, it's a summoning to my seminar. I'm going to inspire the masses with my

message.

What message? They're just simple, asinine buzzwords.

Well, Dick, maybe you haven't noticed my passel of apostles, but you can't deny

I have a certain effect on people. I want both of you to come tonight. I

can enlighten you.

Forget about it. You see, you're already a third of the way there.

I can't tell you how Michael's philosophy has changed my life.

Same here.

Right now, I'm supposed to be manning the 911 line, but I decided to forget

about it.

And yesterday, the fire department threatened to strike, so I just let them

I'm surprised you wanted to come tonight, Stephanie, knowing how the town

about you.

Well, I just wanted to show these people that I'm not a heartless shrew, that

I'm a warm, caring, compassionate human being.

There she is. There's that snotty viper, Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Oh, drop dead.

George, sit.

Well, Baskin and Joanne, if we could somehow harness the stupidity in this

we could change the world.

I can't believe all these people are paying $10 a head to see Michael.

We paid $50.

I had to go to a scalper.

You what?

in the present.

Great.

Perhaps we should nail him.

He almost spoke.

Oh, please.

Darryl, stop there. It's not polite to stare at someone's aura.

Let it go.

Forget about it.

Yes!

Try smiling.

We are!

This is moronic.

Let it go, forget about it. Try smiling. Yes!

Yes, my child.

I have a question that weighs heavily on me, Michael.

Speak to me.

Last month... I was elected president of the local pastry club.

And with that position came a lot of responsibility and the inevitable weight

gain.

But I decided to forget about it.

Wonderful!

And did you let it go?

Yes, but I put on 12 pounds and now all my clothing chafed.

Did you try smiling?

Well, that's easy for you.

You're probably one of those visionaries that can eat anything and not put on a

pound.

Next.

Yes, my son.

My anniversary was last night.

Thank you.

32 years.

Well,

usually I do forget about it.

But this time I knew it was okay to forget about it.

Yet my wife threw me out of the house.

So now I'm sleeping in the terselle.

And it's hard to try smiling with the stick chip jabbing you in the kidneys.

What should I do?

I don't think Michael has the answer.

No kidding.

Review the problem. You said you let it go. That's right. And you forgot about

it. Uh -huh. And you actually did try smiling.

Till my cheeks ached.

How about that?

Next.

Michael, help me.

Isn't there any more to your philosophy?

Well, let me see.

No, that's about it.

Typical.

Some smooth -talking dandy sells you the meaning of life.

And it turns out he's just taking you for a ride in a hoax mobile.

That down once again, Daryl. First we read that Roseanne ain't handling

very well, and now this.

Wait, I... I thought this was what you wanted to hear. Yesterday you were

gobbling this stuff up.

Yesterday we were stupid.

Yesterday?

It worked for me. I don't know why it doesn't work for you.

Some seminar.

There weren't even any refreshments.

Tell me more about this pastry club.

We meet all day Tuesday, usually at a local bakery.

Wait.

If this town had a bunko squad, they'd be sticking to you like sweaty thighs to

a vinyl car seat.

I've never felt so used.

Stone him.

Steph, don't walk out.

I have to, Michael.

George is my ride.

I've been deflocked.

Do you want to talk to him?

No.

But it is sort of what I do.

And this is sort of when I leave.

Michael, are you all right?

Dick, what happened?

Well, you know, all you...

Inspiration leaders are bound to bomb every once in a while.

I'm sure even Tommy Lasorda has his off days.

Yeah, but it happens so quickly. I mean, other great thinkers inspire mankind

for generations. I inspired people for a day and a half.

Well, some thinkers are different than you.

They're multidimensional.

So you're saying I'm a simple man with few layers?

One.

Meaning there's really very little to me.

Right, but I mean, you can always read and learn and, you know, become more

layered. Yeah, but then I'd run the risk of becoming complex and dull like you.

That's one of the pitfalls of depth.

Bummer. Michael, you aren't going to fall apart again, are you? No, I'm just

going to let it go, you know.

Forget about it.

You know, you could always try smiling.

Meow.