All language subtitles for newhart_s07e12_cupcake_on_my_back

What do you got, George?

Well, I would have had a straight if
Chester had dealt me a six.

I had an eight and a nine.

The way this hand stands now, I've got
garbage, Dick.

Two pair.

Fours over jacks.

Sorry, three deuces.

Keep your pants on, Dick.

Freedom and weep, boys.

Four lovely ladies come to Papa.

Jim, you don't have to act so all -fired
cocky just because you want a few

hands. A few? I'm creaming you guys.

Oh, Gumdrop.

Hi, Michael. How are things at the shoe
store? Joanna, do you know what it's

like to spend 60 hours a week squatting
on a stool within sniffing distance of

strange people's feet?

Can't say that I do.

Oh, a gift you remembered.

Well, match.

Any suitor worth his salt knows that
Cupcake Day comes but once a year.

I don't believe I've heard of Cupcake
Day.

Michael created it for me two years ago
to help fill that long void between

Valentine's Day and Easter when I didn't
get any gifts.

I wish I'd known. I haven't even begun
my cupcake day shopping.

Don't worry about it. There's a three
-day grace period.

Since I'm in the minimal monetary mode,
instead of the traditional diamond

trinket, I opted for something a bit
more symbolic.

It's a cupcake.

Maybe you're not picking up on the
symbolism.

I get it, Michael. It's Cupcake Day, and
you give me a stupid cupcake.

Stephanie, Michael has been going
through some hard times.

Well, how am I supposed to get in the
holiday spirit when you give me

like this on the second holiest day of
the year?

I'm sorry, Stephanie.

So this is as good as it gets?

I guess this means no dinner either.

Well, for sure.

That'll be the icing on the cupcake.
Tonight, we dine at...

Maison, who's there?

It's our restaurant.

Michael, you're such a scamp on this
holiday.

George, I'll stay on second thought
four.

Oops, did I drop a card?

So I did. Hey, I saw that. You pulled
that card out of your sock.

Yeah. Crazy, Jim. A card fell on the
floor and I merely retrieved it. I know

cheater when I see one.

There's sock fuzz all over the card.

And look, it's an ace.

He's nothing but a common criminal.

Careful, Jim.

I wouldn't call the mayor a criminal.

I knew he took staples and rubber bands
home from work, but I never thought he

cheated cards. So now I'm a cheater and
a petty thief.

Well, at least you're man enough to
admit it.

Jim Dixon, you're pushing me to the
breaking point. Chester Wanamaker,

immoral hound. Oh, merciful heavens,
forgive me for what I'm about to do.

Ow!

Don't hit, I'm a bleeder.

Good evening, Goubert.

Monsieur, how are you?

Mademoiselle Vandekille.

So nice to have you back where you
belong, here at Métro Hubert.

Merci, Hubert.

I'm afraid we, uh, we don't have a
reservation.

Never a problem for me, Sir Harry.

I'm so glad. It's a special day for me.

Can it be Cupcake Day already?

Where does the time go?

I haven't even begun shopping for your
Cupcake Day gift.

There's still time.

Thank God for that three -day grace
period.

Follow me.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.

Back to the bar. But it's our 25th
anniversary.

Michel,

Richard.

Some people.

What are Rollo and Fiona doing in
Vermont?

Who?

The Wallingfords. Our families have
hated each other for years.

And they have this geeky son, Roscoe,
who was always trying to touch me at

Cotillion.

Steph, are you forgetting the bylaws?

Discussing reality on Cupcake Day is
forbidden.

Of course.

Well, shall we ask Henri to bring us our
traditional bottle of Dom Perignon?

A bully bottle is bubbly, but why not
sample something more local?

Vermont blush?

Truth be known, cuppers, this current
cash crunch of mine... Say no more.

Actually, this Vermont blush sounds
rather tasty.

And you know how much I love a nice
cranberry wine.

I can see what you're doing. A man with
half a brain can tell you don't mean

that. And I happen to be one of those
men.

So I'm shy a few shekels.

So what? It's Cupcake Day, a time of
giving.

And getting.

Henri, bring us your finest bottle of
Dom Perignon.

Tonight, we live.

Gustave really outdid himself tonight.

It takes a culinary master to mold a
five -pound lobster into the shape of a

cupcake.

Excusez -moi, monsieur, but there seems
to be some petit problem with your

credit card.

Not flatten them enough for you?

This is no matter for chuckling.

We called the company for credit
approval and you are flatly denied.

That can't be.

We've been asked to destroy your car.
You can't do that to me. It's the only

I have left. Or he has kindly agreed to
do the honor.

Their bill must be paid in cash.

$248? Plus gratuity.

But I don't have that kind of cash.

I warn you, miss, you do not try to run
out on the tab.

Michelle and Richard are no stranger to
kickboxing.

Help me, Steph. Cough up some cold cash.

You know I don't carry money on Cupcake
Day.

We've got to change these bylaws.

And I can't wash dishes in this dress.
It's a G &E number's easy.

There's only one thing left to do.

Beg.

Who?

Them.

I can't beg the Wallingfords for money.

Maybe we could sell them your dress.

All right.

I'll grovel.

Oh, thank you, Steph. This time you'll
be canonized for sure.

Good to see you.

Is this your young man?

Michael Harris.

What brings you to Vermont?

I'll bet you $300 it's not the skiing.

We're out visiting Roscoe. He's studying
at Bennington College.

Still, isn't he like 38?

The lad can't settle on a major.

Anyway, the silliest thing just happened
to Michael.

Yes, we did notice a little
unpleasantness with the credit card.

See, I left my other wallet, the one
with the big roll of money in it, in my

other Ferrari.

And you'd like us to take care of
your... Thanks.

Your life savings.

I can't help you.

Please, Mr. Wallingford, don't make me
beg. I'm not good at it.

I think you're marvelous at it.

Pay the bill, Rollo.

Imagine the fun we'll have telling
anyone who listened at the club that

Callan begged a Wallingford for money.

I'll get your coat.

Thank you.

Stephanie.

I'm not quite sold on Miss Michael of
yours.

You know, our Roscoe has always been
rather smitten with you.

Oh.

If it's any inducement, he's had that
lazy eye corrected.

Well, I don't know if Lalo and I are
really... Debbie Harcourt says you clean

toilets at some motel.

It's not a motel.

It's an inn.

And I don't care if Roscoe did get his
eye fixed.

Delightful meal. Au revoir, Hubert.

It is not au revoir. It is goodbye, dead
beater.

Well, it was bound to happen.

What's that, George? Jim and Chester
have officially broken up.

Oh, no, that's just terrible.

Well, their friendship was practically
legendary around here.

Jim and Chester...

around telling everybody in town that if
dick hadn't forced them to play cards

last night they never would have had
that awful squabble i never forced

to do anything that's not how the town
sees it george you were there you know

i had nothing to do with it i'd like to
believe you dick but what would the town

gain by lying think about that

Morning, Michael. Let's pass on the
pleasantries, Jojo. I'm pleading for my

life here.

I'm up then.

Drop dead.

She's a little irked that I made her beg
for money in a restaurant.

I come bearing an armload of gift.

Well, I guess I could entertain the idea
of accepting it. After all, I was

publicly humiliated.

What happened last night will never
happen again.

They're letting me work double shifts at
the shoe store, and for extra money,

the owner said he'd train me to become a
cobbler.

A cobbler?

It's a lost art.

When you think of it, where are the
young cobblers coming from?

Trust me, Steph, I'm going to make
things better for us.

I swear it.

Oh, Michael.

am I going to do with you?

Well, now run upstairs and try that on.

Dick, I need 20 grand fast.

What? Okay, 18.

Michael, we don't have that kind of
money. Don't bring poverty with me, Tom.

late on my mortgage. I've missed my last
two Turbo Z payments. I've got the repo

man wrapping at my door and I just want
a bump check to buy that gift.

Michael, we'd like to help you. You see,
our money is tied up in the inn.

Sell it.

We're not going to sell the inn to
support your extravagant lifestyle.

And here I was thinking I could count on
you when things got tough.

I guess you don't know the true meaning
of friendship.

You should look it up sometime.

I want some heel favors and some shoe
trees so those wingtips don't lose their

shape. I don't think I need those. Hey,
I'm working on a commission here, buddy.

You're taking food out of my baby's
mouth.

Okay, okay.

That'll be 74 even.

And next time you come back, be sure to
ask for Michael.

You couldn't pay me to come back.

You don't have to shove our shoes down
the customer's throat.

They sell themselves due to their superb
workmanship and low, low discount

prices. We have a two -and -a -half
-year tradition to uphold, and your

is tarnishing the good name of Circus of
Shoots.

I'll remember that, Mr. Rusnak.

Stan, we have a customer.

Wait on her, and you're a dead man,
Stan.

How may I help you?

In our therapy sessions, you never
mentioned you worked in a shoe store.

Michael, I asked Stan to wait on this
customer. I know, but she's, uh, she's

mother.

Sorry. He only lets me wait on
relatives.

I see.

But he called you Michael.

Your name is Chuck.

Oh, right. Actually, uh, it's Michael
Chuck.

Some call me Michael, some call me
Chuck.

Some call me Michael Chuck.

Oh, Michael Chuck. Yes?

Maybe you could show me this in a six
-and -a -half beam?

Excellent choice.

Are you all right? You seem a bit tense.

Confidentially, Dr. Kaiser.

I've had this strain on my brain for
some time.

You know my sweetie, Steffi.

In sessions, she said her name was Dawn.

Oh, right. Actually, it's Steffi Dawn.

Some call her Steffi. I think I see
where you're going with this, Michael

So you and Steffi Dawn are having more
problems?

Dr. Kaiser, I'm a worthless human being.

I lost my high -profile job.

And now I spend quantity time looking at
other people's toes.

Yours are cute, though.

Thank you. I've got no credit. My
friends won't lend me a piddly 20 grand.

And I made my 70 don't beg for money
like some common panhandler.

Well, if you'd like to make an
appointment... Oh, sure, like I can

you uptown streets.

Well, uh, can these heels... fit rather
nicely. I'm glad. And they're on sale,

too.

Michael Chuck, do you think perhaps the
pressure of your current situation is

putting a strain on your relationship
with Steffi Dawn?

I can't afford her champagne taste, but
my Dr. Pepper wages.

Please help me. I've got a cupcake on my
back.

Please don't cry on my third. It's Wade.

Sorry. I don't know what's happening to
me. I used to be Mr.

Happy -Go -Lucky.

And now I'm just Michael Weeping Willie.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Well, that's just the problem.

You see, until you know who the real
Michael or Chuck or Michael Chuck is,

can you expect to make any Steffi or
Dawn or Steffi Dawn happy?

I'm glad you like the shoes, Mom.

You've given me a lot to think about.

You're going to be canonized for sure.

Please take care of yourself.

Bye, Mom.

Nice going, Michael Chuck.

You never charged your mother for those
pumps. Turn in your shoehorn. You're

fired.

The reason I asked both of you over here
tonight was to straighten out this

mess. Dick is upset because the whole
town is blaming him for your breakup.

Well, if Dick hadn't twisted our arms
into playing cards and allowed us to go

the movies like we do every other second
Tuesday of the month, Jim and I would

still be friends.

That's what the town says.

I don't care what the town says. You're
throwing away a 40 -year friendship over

a stupid poker game.

Has it really been 40 years?

41 this coming Lent.

We've been through a lot together.

Yeah, through heck and high water.

Chester, it was wrong of me to accuse
you of cheating.

After all, I was cheating, too.

You were.

Well, you had every right to accuse me.
I was cheating.

You were? This is nuts.

Truth be known, I had a couple of aces
tucked away in my overalls, too.

What? I don't ever want to play cards
with you lunatics again. Everybody, go

home. I live here.

I don't care. Just get out of here.

Say, let's head on over to my place.

For a friendly game of seven card stuff.

Yeah, let's play clean for a change. Do
we have to?

I mean, this is ridiculous. All my
friends are card sharps.

At least when we play cards, it's on the
up and up.

Boy, could I use a cup of coffee.

It is on the up and up, isn't it?

here. I just finished ironing your work
shirts for you.

But you'll have to keep your jacket on
because I only did the front.

Thanks, Steph, but you didn't have to
bother.

They're no longer work shirts. They're
out of work shirts.

You lost your job?

Well, what will we do now?

How can you...

Sink any lower.

Don't underestimate me.

I've got momentum on my side.

This is only the tip of my top.

But I'm not going to drag you down with
me.

What do you think?

I'm on the bottom rung of that step
ladder.

You're not breaking up with me.

I can't stand being a loser in your
eyes.

Damn it, I want to be who I used to be.

Your knight in shining cashmere.

Okay, who is she?

Huh? The one you're trading me in for.
What is she, a dizzy brunette?

There's no one, Steph, I swear.

You're dumping me for no one?

You mean I've been doing all this
supportive woman crap for nothing?

And you're honestly willing to give up
this?

No kidding!

And, uh, I have to, uh... I have to take
back the mink, too.

you to dump me.

What happened? Where's your mink?

Michael, I'm representative.

Why? You don't give a mink to someone
you've broken up with.

You mean you and Michael... Are you
going to be all right?

Dick, I'm a big girl.

Worse things have happened.

And I certainly don't need any Michael
Harris in my life.

Be a long, long winter.

Yeah.