Original subtitles

we did that?

Oh, and remember that sit -in in front of the ROTC building?

Hard to believe we were so political back then.

Political? Us? We just wanted to meet those cute cadets. You're right.

It's so good to see you after all these years.

Here's to good friends.

Tonight is something special.

It is so nice to relax with old pals. My life is such a whirlwind these days.

Have I told you why?

Yes, but it bears repeating.

I finally had the gut to leave my marriage.

I just don't understand it. I thought you and Martin were so happy. We were

stagnating. There were no new discoveries to make. We'd sit across the

table and there'd be these long, lingering silences.

Still, it's a shame after such a long marriage.

Joanna, believe me, you and I both have what we want.

have an exciting new life, a fabulous career, and you've got Dick.

Yes, and we're very happy.

Of course you are. How long you kids been married now?

18 years. 18 beautiful years.

Well, I've got another whirlwind day tomorrow.

Night, sweetie.

Night.

It's just amazing that you two have managed to stay together. Well, when

got a good thing going.

Right, honey?

Huh?

Tell Rhonda goodnight.

Oh, goodnight. Goodnight, Rhonda.

Sleep tight, lovebirds.

You know, Dick, I think she kind of envies us.

Right.

Night, honey. I'll see you in the morning.

Miss?

Miss? I'm busy.

But my eggs are ice cold. Then don't eat them.

We still have plenty to discover about each other, don't we?

Sure.

Then go ahead.

Ask me something you've always wanted to know about me.

Well, uh... You know, nothing springs to mind, but... I'm

sure something will come up.

Hopefully soon.

Morning, Dick, Joanna.

Hi, George.

I just got back from taking Rhonda to the train station.

Am I glad she finally had the guts to leave Martin?

Why's that?

Dick, she was stagnating.

Now every day of her life is a whirlwind.

I have no idea.

I guess some of us just aren't meant to be married.

And others are. Dick, Joanna, how long has it been?

Eighteen years.

Eighteen beautiful years.

Pass the cream.

You didn't say that with much enthusiasm.

Pass the cream.

I meant the 18 years part.

Here, Dick.

Cupcake roll call.

Stephanie Vanderkeller.

We're going shopping for matching ski -tongs. Don't you think we'll be the

cutest couple ever seen?

Hot plate.

Michael, we're not going anywhere until I see that baby picture you promised me

for my locket.

Voila.

This will never do.

I'm not putting an adorable baby picture of me next to one of you in a foreign

legion hat.

But, Steph... Michael, I've never seen a picture of you as a little boy without

something stupid. Stop it on your head.

I'm sorry, Steph. I know what you must be going through.

Do you?

Do you really? I think not.

Well, here's something I've never told you.

I was a cesarean baby.

I know that.

Let it go, Joanna.

Who would have guessed?

I'm sorry about your childhood trauma, Jojo, but I need to confab with Dick

about some urgent show stuff. Can we kibitz, compadre?

It must be urgent. You're mixing Spanish with Yiddish.

Tell me, Joanna, was it painful?

What's the problem, Michael? This has nothing to do with the show, Dick. It's

something painfully personal.

You see, I once... This should spare us both the agony.

Is this you as a kid?

You must have been a great listener because you're all ears.

Yank those young sticks.

You have no idea the torment I went through as a child.

Every day I hear the same taunt.

Hey, beagle boy!

Does a doctor have to examine your ears with a headlight?

Not everyone was as nice as my mom.

When I got to school, that's when the hell really began.

Kids can be cruel.

Their chant still haunts me.

Michael, Michael, ears so wide, looks like pancakes side by side.

I tried to run and hide, but it was useless.

I was always within earshot, even from five blocks away.

You grew into your ears.

No, Dick, I got professional help.

I had them trimmed and pinned when I was 11.

So what's the problem?

Steph wants a snap of me as a child. I can't let her see me looking like Alfred

E. Newman.

Michael, no one is going to change their opinion of someone because of the way

they looked at six.

They aren't?

No.

Besides, I mean, everyone wants to improve their appearance.

As a matter of fact, when I was younger, I had a wart removed.

That's disgusting.

Does Joanna know?

I don't think so. And you've been sitting on this wart thing all this

Michael, an old photograph isn't going to change the way Stephanie feels about

you. Dick, I've been living a lie. I've been passing as a small -eared man.

Okay, Michael, let's stop. Right.

Michael, isn't there something that you want to show Stephanie?

Gee, Dick, now?

Oh, what is it?

Well...

The thing is, Cuppers, I, uh... I do have a hatless headshot.

I didn't want to show it to you, but... Dr.

Dick gave me a dose of reassurance.

Who is this?

It's me.

No, really.

It's me, I swear.

I'm the guy attached to Babar's ears.

That pachydermal punim is mine.

Michael, this isn't funny.

But it's true.

Our children will be hideously grotesque.

Oh, muffin.

Thanks a lot, Dick.

I think we should discuss our relationship.

What's to discuss? It couldn't be better.

You honestly don't see a problem?

No, but I have a feeling I will.

We've stopped growing.

We're stagnating.

Well, we weren't stagnating until your friend Rhonda showed up.

Dick, this has been our life for the last seven years.

We get up.

eat breakfast, putter around, eat lunch, putter some more, eat dinner, putter a

little, go to bed.

You make that almost sound dull.

It is.

We're eating. We're puttering.

Well, I'm sick of eating.

I'm sick of puttering.

And I'm starting to get just a little sick of us.

Joanna.

Sounds like the end of 18 beautiful years.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl, and this is my other brother,

Hi, fellas. What is it?

Well, we understand that after 18 beautiful years, you are connubially

Where did you hear that? The whole town is buzzing and laying odds on who will

be the next Mrs. Loudon.

I went with my gut and put a 10 on that chunky number who works at the gas

station.

Anyway, on the off chance that you two can salvage this sad excuse for a

marriage, we'd like to suggest something we found helpful.

Therapy.

You were in therapy?

Actually, primal scream. Something Daryl particularly excels in.

Daryl, please, there may be stemware in the room.

Thanks for the concern, guys, but we aren't having a problem.

And if we were, I'm not a big believer in psychology.

Oh, and did wonders for Daryl's sibling rivalry.

Well, looks like regression to me. Come on, Daryl. We better have Dr. Penske

hook you up to that electric machine again.

Yeah?

Joanna, no, I am not going into therapy. Well, it's something to consider,

Larry. Could be right.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it also Larry who said if you held a trout

up to your ear, you could hear the ocean?

To be fair, Dick, you never tried that either.

Look, honey, I know you think we're having problems, but there must be some

recourse other than therapy and trout.

I see I'm getting nowhere.

If you don't want to do the simplest thing to help us, fine.

I would never force you to do something that you are so vehemently against.

Wednesday good for you?

Dr.

Mary Kaiser?

It sounds like a woman.

Just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

I'll see you next Wednesday, Dr. Kaiser.

What are you staring at?

I'm sorry. You look so... What's this, Kaiser? Another one of your nutcases?

There's something about your face.

I'm not too crazy about yours, either.

Haven't we... I'd love to stay around her and listen to her stutter all night,

but I have a life to live.

Psycho.

Hi, I'm Mary Kaiser.

I'm Joanna, and this is Dick.

Nice to meet you.

You'll have to excuse my last patient.

It's taken me years to undo the damage that was done to him by some quack in

Chicago.

Come on in. The rest of the group should be here shortly.

When I agreed to do this, you didn't say anything about a semicircle.

Dick.

Damn it, Tish, you didn't have to go and slam my finger in the damn door of the

damn pickup.

Well, I wouldn't if you at least tried to help me get out.

Now, I'm pregnant.

Or cringe your tail.

Dick, Joanna, Tommy Lee, and Tish. Hi.

I have to shake lefty. Full woman's out to cripple me.

Welcome to couples group.

Another couple may be joining us, but let's just get started.

Since you're all new to group, I think it's important to stress that we should

all be completely open with each other.

I'm not opening up to them.

Now then, Tommy Lee and Tish, why don't you tell us why you're here?

To be honest, our marriage has stopped growing.

You see? We have a lot in common.

Tish is a cow, on top of which she gambles away my paychecks on the dog

Two peas in a pod.

Paycheck? You suck back your paycheck.

When you can keep a job long enough to get one.

Tommy Lee, how does that make you feel?

Well, it hurts, Dr.

Kaiser. So much so, I want to take a handful of beer nuts and throw them in

fat face.

You tried!

I want to go home now.

Dick, was there something you wanted to share?

Just that I don't think we should be hearing this.

I think what's making you feel uncomfortable, Dick, is that Tish and

are expressing honest emotions.

Honesty, Dick, is what this group is all about.

Sorry we're late, Dr. Kaiser.

Well, look who's back.

Chuck and Dawn.

Chuck and Dawn.

What are Dick and Joanna doing here?

Please take your seat.

What is it, Dick? That wart thing? No.

So, what did we miss?

Dr. Kaiser was just explaining the importance of being honest, Dawn.

Chuck and Don, you already seem to know Dick and Joanna.

You used your real name?

Aren't you a saint?

Yes.

And this is Tommy Lee and Tish.

Ever seen the inside of a mobile home, chicky?

At this time, what do you two see as your greatest difficulty?

Our boy, Harold.

Last week you shot a hole right through our neighbor.

Kid's got a lot of anger in him.

Are they going to talk all night? Some of us have real problems.

Well, Dawn, as I recall, the last time you two were here, your problems seemed

rather trivial and foolish.

Well, that was then.

This time it's...

All too real.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What is it?

Chuck had big ears as a child.

Our neighbor had big ears.

Still has one.

I think that it's time that we got back to an adult.

Dick, tell us why you came to group.

Joanna made me.

Dr. Kaiser, I think what Dick meant to say is we're stagnating.

Our marriage should be more of a, oh, what's the word, a whirlwind.

There's a certain sameness about our life together.

Well, what do you want, excitement or Dick?

Good one.

You know, I am beginning to see a common thread here.

And I think it can be summed up in the simple phrase, nobody's perfect.

Which is why we all have to learn to accept each other exactly the way we

Well, obviously you don't run the risk of having a big -eared child.

No, I don't. But if you had one, Dawn, wouldn't you still love and accept it?

Well, of course.

But do you think it's healthy for a child to see his parents burst into

every time he walks in the room?

All right, if it's such a big deal, get the kids' ears fixed.

Plastic surgery?

Yes.

Well, that's what I've been saying, Dawn.

Well, I know, Chuck, but you're biased.

You were one of them.

And now, somehow, coming from a normal -eared professional, it all makes sense.

Then...

We are cured.

Thank God, Chuck.

Oh, Dr.

K, you're a whiz.

Come on, Dawn, let's blow this popsicle stand.

Oh, Chuck, our nightmare is finally over.

Wait, wait a minute. They get to leave?

Uh -huh.

And they're cured?

They seem to think so.

You know, doll, I feel ashamed for griping about our petty problems.

Oh, baby, we got a good life.

Well,

Joanna, you've told us all about your life with Dick.

Seems to have cleared the room.

Tell us how you'd envision a life if you weren't married to Dick.

A life without Dick?

Yes, for instance.

Where would you live?

Well, I certainly wouldn't want to leave the area.

Dick and I love it here.

Dick is out of the picture.

Only you now. Right.

Ah, okay.

Well, I suppose I'd get a little house nearby.

I mean, Dick and I have made so many friends.

I've made so many friends.

Then maybe I'd start a little business.

I mean, after seven years of running an inn, Dick and I have gotten so good

at... I've gotten so... Yes,

Joanna.

It's just so hard to envision my life without Dick.

Besides, I...

I've missed him.

Perhaps your marriage isn't so much stagnant as it is comfortable.

Comfortable?

All this time, we've been comfortable.

And it only cost us 80 bucks to find out.

I know this evening has been emotionally draining for the both of you, so I want

you to feel free to sit here a while and reflect on all the breakthroughs that

we've made.

Good night.

Oh.

Well, I'll start up the car.

Dick.

Oh, baby, we got a good life, too.

You bet.