Original subtitles

The rooms are sparkling and shining like nobody's business, so I'm ready to get

to work down here.

What do you want me to do first?

Stephanie, is that you?

Of course.

Should I start in your study or here in the lobby?

Oh, I know. That kitchen floor could use a good scrubbing.

She wants something, and it must be huge.

Well, there is one thing.

I want to do my job better.

I mean...

You two have always been so terrific to me, and all I've ever done is take

advantage. But that's all changed. I've come to realize that it's no crime to do

the job you're paid to do the very best you can.

A raise. She wants a raise.

Oh, don't be silly.

Honey, don't make any sudden moves. She may be dangerous.

Hi, Dick, Joanna. Good to see you.

That was all in English.

I've given up those nutty hello things. To tell the truth, I was even starting

to get on my nerve.

Michael. Yes.

Thank you, sweetheart.

They weren't sickeningly cute together.

Well, we've come to realize that you can be in love without making others want

to puke.

Oh, by the way, Dick, here's a list of guests for the next few Vermont Todays.

Here it comes.

Michael, these are all classy, intelligent people. Dick, you've been a

friend. The least I can do is produce the kind of TV program you want.

To be honest, I think it's going to be a better show.

See you Sunday.

I'm frightened.

Kick, relax. Things are finally starting to go your way.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother,

Well, it was a great ten seconds.

We just wanted to stop by and say bye.

How come?

We've decided to give up our life in the big city and move back to our cabin in

the woods.

Of course, the downside is we probably won't be seeing as much of each other

anymore. Probably only when you want to.

Only when we want.

Uh -oh.

Daryl was worried that this might turn into an emotional scene.

Don't worry, guys. For your sakes, I'll try and show nothing but...

Thanks. We will miss you.

Well, we should be going.

We have to decide what food can travel back to the cabin with us and what we

have to scarf down in a wild eating binge.

Well, goodbye.

I don't believe this, sir.

moving out of town.

Stephanie is cleaning like a demon. Michael is finally doing the show the

want.

All the problems in my life are suddenly gone.

I know, honey. It's wonderful.

I mean, I almost feel like pinching myself.

Morning, Dick.

Morning, George.

Mmm, pancakes.

My favorite.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

And they taste as good as they smell.

I need a good breakfast this morning because I'm going to start re -shingling

the roof.

You got perfect weather for it.

Yep. Mmm.

Great.

Is this all you're going to do?

Huh?

Well, it is a dream.

So?

In a dream, you can do anything you like.

I like this.

But this is exactly like your real life.

Yeah, but to me, my real life is a dream.

Smell these, dear.

George, I don't want to smell them. See, the great thing about dreams is you can

do things that you can't do in real life.

Dick, I have this dream all the time, and I like it fine.

That is, until you started bugging me in it.

George, maybe you don't realize your dream options.

You can make it thunder and lightning outside.

Well, there goes the shingling weather.

Forget about outside.

George, there are a lot of neat things you can do here, like a strange music.

Or a mysterious myth.

inanimate objects talk.

How you doing, George?

Dick, are you trying to make me wake up crying?

George, I'm just trying to show you how to have fun in your dreams.

I appreciate it, Dick, but believe me, I'm fine.

And my dream is fine.

Now I gotta go re -shingle that roof.

George!

I gotta tell you, I think you're wasting your time dreaming like this, but I

mean, it's up to you.

If you want to have boring dreams.

Gee, Dick, give me a chance.

At least now, George, shingling that roof should be a cinch.

emergency. Michael, thank goodness you're here.

What is it, my cute cup of soy?

There's something terribly horrible upstairs and I just know it's going to

down and get me.

Really? What?

Well, I don't know, but it's wicked and putrid and generally gross and it'll be

here any second.

Well, give those worry wrinkles walking papers because nothing but nothing is

going to mess with my sensual senorita as long as this blood box is still

pumping.

I can get near my man.

See, Steph, I know I said I'd help, but this is scarier than I bargained for.

I'm off the goose pimple scale, and I'm dangerously close to fabric -ruining

perspiration. I love you a lot, but I'm out of here. Call if you live.

Michael!

It's pointless to run.

What do you want from me?

I want you to please me.

But it's not good enough.

I want you to start all over again and clean all 100 rooms.

But we don't have 100 rooms.

We do now.

I made George build all night.

Why are you so mean to me, Joanna?

Because you're so good and pure.

And so incredibly perfect and beautiful.

Well, you got me there.

I want you to scroll.

Once I realized nothing bad could really happen to me in a dream.

My hero!

And I come bearing great news. Your father gave us four million dollars to

home and start a family and still have enough left over to buy a major yacht.

And look!

We already have two children.

You don't have to go through the bother of having them yourself.

Maybe she can, Steph.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You can go as soon as you finish dusting the lobby.

Well, that sounds fair.

weren't even blonde.

from a few tiny special interest groups.

What could they possibly say? What's wrong with it?

Too much sex and violence.

Really? Maybe they'll calm down if we move it out of the family hour. We'll

a show to take its place. Something high -con, a bimodal, a center -cut and a

healthy topspin.

Something for kids?

That's what I just said.

I know you're very busy, Mr. Harris, but you've just won another award.

I want to thank the voters for this great honor.

That's the kind of message I need to further my crusade to stamp out quality

television wherever it rears its ugly head.

Thank you all again.

This is very special and meaningful to me.

Very well said, ma 'am. Very well said.

Mr. Harris, have you had a chance to see the rough cut of the 17th Gilligan TV

movie yet? Oh, yes, Gilligan's Island. The food runs out. Kind of a downer. Try

trimming the scene where they have to eat the skipper.

What an acute... He's a muppet.

Now off with you. I have shows to create.

Okay, bye.

I mean, adios, sir.

Whoever you are, I'm

thinking making an appointment with one of my secretaries. It's time now,

Michael. We... We made a deal.

What, uh... What kind of deal?

Figure it out for yourself.

How do you think you got all of this?

With your talent?

Dick, is that you?

Never touch the horns.

Dick, devil, devil, Dick, why did I ever make that connection before?

Let's go, Michael.

People are waiting to see your shows.

It's just the kind of torture they're expecting.

Tonight is Larry.

This is Ed McMahon inviting you to join Larry and his guests, Emma Sands, Brett

Travolina, and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry. And now, ladies and

gentlemen, here's Larry.

Hi, I'm your host, Larry.

This is my sidekick, Daryl.

And this is my band leader, Daryl.

You're looking good, Daryl.

We should get some nuclear guys to come out and take a reading on that outfit.

Oh, good to see you, Tommy.

Did you know the practice of hibernating began when Tommy walked into the woods

one day and started to talk to the animals?

We got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Sands is with us. Yaha!

And Fred Travolina.

And a visit from Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo.

So let's get to it.

guest is always a pleasure to have with us. From the San Diego Zoo, Miss Joan

Embry.

Nice to see you, Larry.

Hi. And may I say you smell much better than you'd think for a lady in your line

of work.

I brought you a couple of very exotic birds from South America called the

and dilly.

Now, wait till you see their color. It's just incredible.

It might take them a couple of seconds to adjust to the light, though.

They're gone!

What happened?

I don't know. Where could they have... Daryl?

Have you been in between meals snacking on our animal guests?

Tommy, I hope I don't find out you've been involved in this.

I can't believe those guys did this.

I told them how rare these birds were.

Oh, that explains it.

Daryl thought you meant medium rare.

Anyway, since John has screwed up...

Let's move on to my next guest, the versatile Fred Travolina.

Hello.

Hi, Larry.

Great to see you. Fred, you're an amazing impressionist. They say you can

anyone. Well, thanks.

Can you do a little bit of Herbie Crooker for us?

Herbie Crooker. He's always hanging out in front of the feed store.

Wait till you hear this.

Larry, I'm afraid I don't know him.

Oops, sorry. I appear to have exposed you as a fraud on national television.

Wait, wait. I know. I know I can do it.

Daryl. I'll do Daryl.

incredible. Daryl's my brother, and for a second there, I couldn't tell the

difference.

Uh -oh. What's that, Freddy?

My producer's giving me the signal to move on.

My next guest is a big -time movie star and one fabulous babe, Emma Sams.

I know you like our guests, but the FCC has very strict rules about sidekick

seating.

Hi, Larry. It's nice to meet you. Same here.

Now, I know you do a lot of TV and films, but I'm wondering what someone

you does in her spare time.

Well, when I'm not working, I live a pretty normal life. You know, I like to

things like go out in the backyard and roll around in the mud.

Really? And I like to play games, you know, things like Lord Fight and

Name That Stain.

Oh, and after a nice downpour, you'll always find me out romping in the

bog.

Wow. I know you're not going to believe this, but I'm into a whole lot of those

same things.

Oh, come on.

Did you ever play Let's See If This Is Edible?

Perfect for each other.

Do you mind if I kiss you right now?

Well, gee, we are on TV in front of millions of people. Okay.

Oh, no. We're out of time?

You sure, Freddy?

Damn. I spent too much time with Fred Travolina.

Joanna, Joanna, if you're having a dream that you're

really, really enjoying, is there any special technique to,

I don't know, to pinch yourself back into it?

I don't think so, Dick.

Damn it!