Original subtitles

Here it is, my 35th book.

How to write how -to books.

Dick, why do you have so many?

These are for, you know, to give to family and friends.

That doesn't mean we have to take one, does it?

And congratulations.

Oh, Michael, I have to ask you a question about your TV station.

Last night while I was watching Barnaby Jones, there was an ad for the news that

said, President dead.

Details at 11.

So I had to stay up to watch the news. I mean, that kind of shook me up.

Turned out that the president who was dead was Calvin Coolidge.

So?

Well, somehow that didn't seem right.

Well, it is right, George. I mean, Cal has said adios to Earth.

But I thought you meant our current president.

Michael, did WPIV run a promo like that? We call them teasers, Dick. There's

nothing like them to boost ratings on a slow news day.

But it's deceiving. It's dishonest. It's despicable.

And it works.

Besides, Dick, look at it this way. Cal hasn't been in the news much lately. I'm

sure he appreciated the mention.

Well, Michael, how can you do that?

Well, I didn't write it, Joanna. I just came up with a concept to mislead and

told the news department to run with it.

Michael, people are talking about the news and there are books here.

Let's go.

Okay, sir. Hope you enjoy the news tonight, George.

I'm not going to watch it. Oh, really?

Where do you see tonight's teaser? I hear the writers really came up with a

doozy.

You know, I like being a fan of Buddy Epson, but at what price?

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother

I thought I recognized you guys.

We're here with an announcement.

We've decided to have a child.

What? It occurred to us that our biological clocks are ticking and we

much time left.

That's great, guys.

Yeah.

How are you... How are you planning on, you know,

going about that?

Well, we thought about sticking with tradition and having one with a woman.

But so far, we hadn't been able to coax one into holy wedlock, not even the

face.

Seems the only way we've been able to turn a woman's head is by yelling, look

out behind you.

Anyway, in our longing to be dads, we've decided to adopt.

We hear there's a desperate need for parents.

Probably not that desperate.

Guys, I don't want to discourage you or anything, but do you think maybe a

kitten might solve your problem?

I don't think so.

Although Daryl here could teach the young feline a thing or two about

mice.

Come on, Daryl. I'm sure one look at our sincere, worldly -wise faces and it's

in the bag.

Oh, which reminds me.

When we go to the adopting agency, we got to remember to bring the fact so

have something to carry the baby home in.

Dick, no adoption agency would actually give them a child.

I think on the list of desirable parents, they would come somewhat after

-year -olds, crazy people, and childless wolf couples.

You know, I hope we don't end up competing for the same kid.

I mean, I don't think you'd stand much chance, what with it being three to two.

Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? That's us.

Now, behave yourself in there, Daryl. And remember, there's only three ways to

get a baby. By a woman, by adopting, or by a star in the east.

I think this is our best shot.

Hi, I'm Christy Castetter.

Hi. Are you the lady that's going to be delivering our baby?

Well, we'll see.

Please have a seat.

I see by your application that you have... Two businesses, the Minute Man

and anything for a buck?

That's right. We can get you franchise information if you're interested.

Not right now.

And I see that the three of you are single, so I take it that there would be

women in the household.

Well, that's probably true.

Though you never know, the faith could still come through for us.

Maybe you should tell me a little bit about why you'd like to have a child.

Well, we want to have a little someone to show how to fish, how to play ball,

how to spit into the wind and duck.

I think I've got enough information. Thank you. We'll let you know.

When? We was all prepared to take him home today.

I'm afraid that won't be possible, but I have your number, and I'll call as soon

as we know.

You know already, don't you?

You're not going to give us any baby.

For some strange reason, you think we wouldn't make good fathers.

But you're wrong.

Daryl and I would make perfect pappies.

I mean, a part of us is kids ourselves, but enough of us is adults so you can

trust us.

And I guarantee you he'd be entering a happy home.

How many little babies got that going for them from the get -go?

Look, I appreciate your feelings, but there are certain things... Please.

As you can see, we'll beg if we have to.

Oh, well.

Good morning, George.

I can't remember the last time you missed breakfast.

I know. I had to stay up late and watch the stupid news.

He got you again, huh?

I was in my room enjoying one of my favorite Barnaby episodes.

Honeymoon with Death.

It's one of the later episodes where Lee Merriweather's wearing the more

tailored clothes.

Anyway, I was just sitting back enjoying a soda when one of those teasers came

on. What was it?

Soda found contaminated.

Details at 11.

The whole front of my TV got spritzed.

I had to stay up past my bedtime to find out if I was going to live or not.

Then it turned out that the contaminated soda was just somebody left an open can

out all night, came back and found a bug in it.

I'm getting pretty sick of those teasers.

George, I don't know what else you can do with it except giving up Barnaby

Jones.

It's easy for you to say, Dick.

You've got a wife.

Oh, no, it can't be.

Guys, does this mean the agency gave you a child?

No, it means we just bought out Dutch masters.

Of course we've got a kid.

Where is it?

Outside somewhere.

Outside somewhere?

Oh, I know. Can't wait to be introduced, huh?

Okay, we'll go see if we can find the little Dickens.

They seem to be doing a great job of parenting so far.

It's a boy.

Well, what do you think?

He's big.

Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces.

Better hope he never needs burping.

His name's Ted.

Hi. Hi, Ted. Nice to meet you.

I'm Joanna, and this is my husband, Dick.

Hi.

Or should I say, Gucci Gucci Goo.

How old are you, Ted?

Almost 18.

I'll go with hi.

I thought you were going to adopt a baby.

Well... Ted was as young as they'd give us.

For some reason, they thought the fact that he was legal next month made him

perfect choice for us.

The agency needed a bed, and I thought it would be nice to finally go somewhere

I was really wanted.

Even if it was just for a month?

You'd think so.

Well, congratulations to all of you.

Well, we better get going. We got a bassinet to reinforce.

Ted.

We're here.

Knight or Dick.

Dick. Joanna. Good news. I just finished watching Barnaby Jones and I'm going

right to bed.

That is good news, George.

So the teaser for the 11 o 'clock report didn't grab you tonight?

Not a bit. I couldn't care less.

What was it, George?

Oh, something like a beautiful town socialite elopes.

Stephanie!

What's going on?

What is it?

Oh, Stephanie, thank God you're here.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Oh, phew. No rice.

Oh, you... me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Steph. I'm just so glad to see you.

Watch a little TV tonight, Michael?

Maybe see a news teaser that said beautiful town socialite elopes?

Michael, is that why you're here? You thought that was me?

Do you think if it had been me, they would have stopped at just beautiful?

I'm sorry, Steph. I just reacted.

I was in the midst of my creaming regimen. Now I have to start all over

Next time you have a crisis, call first.

Well, Well, Michael, I guess maybe you've learned your lesson about those

teasers. I sure have.

They're even more powerful than I thought.

It's got to be one of the best promotional tools ever.

I've got a great idea I'm going to tell the guys for tomorrow's teaser.

GM cars were called.

Then we just show these people, you know, remembering their cars.

George, at least you don't have to stay up tomorrow night. Yes, I do.

Why? I really like to listen to people talk about their cars.

Hi.

It's the dads.

With tons of pictures to show you of our new son.

Here he is watching Daryl make breakfast.

Here he is covering his ears as Daryl eats breakfast.

So how's it been being fathers?

Just like we dreamed.

Although there have been a few drawbacks.

He don't want to have anything to do with all those pampers we stockpile.

They don't ride up like those jockeys, do they, Daryl?

me had a big argument over whether to name him Larry Jr., Daryl Jr., or Daryl

Jr.

And Ted seems to be resisting any change.

Well, you know, teenagers... Tell me about it.

We've found having a teen in the house can be kind of tough.

I mean, the loud music, the constant partying, he don't like it much.

But you want to know the biggest drawback?

He's only ours for three weeks.

I mean, how are we supposed to do everything a father's supposed to do in

weeks?

Besides, the shorter he stays, the longer we're gonna miss him.

You know, Larry, things in life are gone before you know it.

You mean like blank paper in Stephen King's house?

Exactly. And sometimes all you can do is make the most of the time you have with

someone. And that's what I think you should do with Ted.

Hmm. Daryl?

Daryl thinks you're wise beyond your years.

Well.

And Daryl thinks you like the sound of your own voice.

Either way, we're going for it. We're going to jam -pack 18 years of

into three weeks.

Come on, Daryl. Let's go find Larry Jr.

Darn, I thought I could slip it back.

Come on, Ted. Finish up your dinner. We got other things to do.

Do I really have to finish this?

Ted, porcupine is one of nature's most perfect foods.

It's tasty, and when you're done, there's quills to pick your teeth with.

Daryl, I knew you'd be the one to spoil him.

Well, come on, then. We got some parental cramming to do.

Let's start with a traditional father -son bonding ritual.

Playing ball.

It's okay, Daryl. You're a good father in other ways.

Okay, measuring time.

Not again. Guys, I'm not getting any taller.

Let's let the door jam decide.

Same as before.

Wait, maybe you should check again.

Look at that.

He's grown that much.

Don't be picky, Daryl. We'll take it.

Okay, now, facts of life talk.

Oh, that's okay. I think I got this one covered.

Ted, this is an important moment between fathers and sons.

Now, since we have to cram all this in, we'll give you the condensed version.

Girls, watch out for them.

Here's some crayons and paper. We're looking for something to put up on the

refrigerator.

Hi. Ted, am I early?

Oh, a little bit, but that's okay.

Liz, this is my father, Larry. This is my father, Daryl. And this is my other

father, Daryl.

Liz, she's in my history class.

Hi.

I've got a date tonight.

We're guessing with her?

Yeah. Perfect timing on that fact of life talk, Daryl.

Talk with her?

Sure.

You're not planning on chewing him up and spitting him out, are you?

Uh, no.

She seems nice.

Well, great.

What time do I have to be home? Oh, we don't have to decide that now.

What do you mean?

You don't think we're going to miss out on our son's first date, do you?

Was that your father?

Yeah, how did you manage to duck him?

I ran away from home.

You know, there's no shortage of reasons why someone would want to get away from

there, but just out of curiosity, which one did you pick?

Now, I know this is going to sound weird, but they pay too much attention

I mean, in all the foster homes I've lived in, I've never had this problem

before. I mean, yesterday I sneezed once, and suddenly I was covered with

Sounds like they really care about you, Ted.

I know they do, and I like them too.

It's just been a little too much for me.

Can I stay here?

Sure.

Thanks.

Can I have something to eat?

You know, something that's been inspected.

We've got something wrapped in everything.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl. Ted's

run away from home.

Here's a picture and description you can use without the consent of Major League

Baseball.

We don't need this.

Oh, he's already on the milk carton?

No, he's here.

Really? Hi.

Ted, are you okay? You got that nasty cold. You shouldn't be out.

I'm okay.

Ted, we respect your right to run away, but maybe you could just tell us what

we've done wrong so we won't always be wondering.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we must have done something.

No, it just isn't fair to you. I mean, I'm only here for a month, and you guys

have a whole lifetime of caring to give a son.

I just couldn't take all that all at once.

It's not your fault.

You're right.

It's his.

What?

Well, weren't you the one that told us to make the most out of the time we had

with Ted?

Uh, yeah.

Do you get some sort of perverted pleasure out of trying to ruin our

Ted, would you give us another chance if we promised to follow our own

instincts?

I don't think I'll be needing that.

But before we go, something I got to tell you. I know you're not going to

it much, but I've been accepted at Yale.

Ted, that's wonderful.

Why wouldn't they like that?

Because he knows it dashes our hopes of him becoming a drifter.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Not too much. I mean, Yale is our alma mater.

Excuse me?

Yeah, we janitored there one summer.

Ted, we know you gotta go off on your own like you should, but there's just

thing we gotta know.

Will we ever see you again?

Of course you will.

You're my dad.

Let's go home.

You know, they grow up so fast.

I mean, one minute they're just coming into your life, and then it just seems

like a couple of weeks later they're going off to college.

Larry, this is only a couple of weeks later.

Oh, yeah.

Well, still, it's all I can do to keep from breaking into a chorus of sunrise,

sunset.

Daryl, what do you say we have another one?

Meow.