Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother,

Hi, guys. It's great to see you.

Honey, I'm just trying to learn to make the best of it.

Thank you for that unexpected warm welcome.

Daryl's a bit flushed.

We just came by to announce the further branching out of our creative talents.

We've started inventing.

And we wanted you to be the first.

to upgrade your standard of living with this.

We call it Dr.

Dribble.

Ah.

We find that eating our favorite critter in gravy can be a sloppy, wasteful

affair.

And it's just not as much fun as it used to be sucking each other's shirts.

We know that feeling.

Hence, Dr. Dribble.

See, the main portion of your meal remains here.

just like in your normal inferior spoon.

But any sloshing overspill is caught here.

You can have that one.

No, no, thanks. We'd, you know, we'd just wind up fighting over it.

We understand.

Come on, Darrell, we'd better patent this baby.

We were beaten once before, and now every time we see mail order sea

breaks our hearts.

S .O .S. Mayday.

Mayday.

Michael, what's wrong?

It's the station.

Oh, Michael, don't get me upset for no reason.

For a minute there, I thought something cosmetically devastating had happened to

you. No, Steph, I'm un -mamed.

But WPP is in serious financial trouble. It even looks like they won't be able

to pay anyone this week. Michael, this won't affect the quality of our dates,

will it?

Don't worry, Cupcake. Seeing this disaster coming, I made a brilliant

management decision and advanced myself a month.

Well, then, everything's fine.

Michael is relieved, as I am, about your ability to date.

What about the other people at the station? Don't worry, Dick. I've earned

nickel of that ill -gotten booty.

I've come up with a plan to save WPIV. A telethon. A telethon? Yeah.

We get viewers to send in money so the station can stay on the air.

Michael, that's what public channels do, but people won't pay to watch

commercial TV.

We don't know that, Dick. No one's ever had the gumption to ask them before.

I think a telethon is a ridiculous idea.

Gee, Dick, I hope that won't affect your performance when you host it.

No way.

Now, Dick, think of your family of fellow PIVers, all hoping, praying, that

little TV home won't be foreclosed on.

I think you should know, I took a poll of every other performer at the station,

and they voted unanimously that you were the one to host the telethon.

Really?

Every last one. They all thought you were the only one with enough stamina to

stay up 48 hours straight.

48 hours? That's two days.

Dick would have to do something to grab the viewer's attention, and everyone

thinks that the health risk to a man your age stressing yourself out like

for that many hours is just the tickets.

I am not killing myself for the station.

Look, I would never take the slightest chance with your health. You're my

friend, my workmate, my meal ticket.

Well... And just to make you feel totally safe, I've arranged to have a

by your side every minute.

Dick.

For our relationship to keep working, you must be alive.

I know that, but... I mean, a whole station is at stake, and I'm sure, you

it couldn't be that dangerous.

Joanna, you have my word. He'll be just fine, or I'm not the best darn producer

in show business.

Dick, hold me.

How about that snazzy tote board, huh?

Oh, and here's your tote board toots. Debbie.

She's the best. Watch.

And our new total is $500.

Great gesturing.

And for every $100 pledge, the devster will peel off an item of clothing until

she's down to her string bikini. I call it strip pledging.

Great name. We're not doing it.

Okay. Lose the strip pledge angle. Dick doesn't want it. Thank you, Dick.

Gee, Dick, the crew's already antsy enough about not getting paid yet this

and now you've shot a torpedo through the SS morale.

Anyway, I've written an opening speech for you on the teleprompter. Michael,

not going on the air until I see the doctor you promised.

Well, he, uh... He's not here at the moment. I'm over here.

Hi, I'm Timmy.

Dr. Timmy.

Dr. Timmy.

Well, not technically, but he's a certified junior lifesaver. In swimming.

Good for you.

Michael. Dick, real doctors cost money. You want to station further in debt?

Michael, there is no way... Dick, you're on the air. In three, two... It's the

WPIV 48 -hour telephone with Dick Lowden. Hi.

Welcome to the first WPIV telethon.

You may ask, what's this telethon for?

Well, it's for disease.

A disease called low profits.

We need your money to stay on the air.

You see, all those high -quality WPIV programs, the Ropers, Bracken's World,

me and the chimp, don't come cheap.

Now, I know many of you have been watching these shows for years for free,

a way you kind of owe us.

Anyway, I'm going to go without sleep for the next 48 hours.

Joining me will be some wonderful acts as well as many of your favorite WPIV

personalities like Pearl of Pearl's Kitchen, Jack of Jack's Shed, and Willie

Willie's.

Compost heaters.

Now let's take a look at the tote board and our beginning total here.

Minus $200?

Tote boards cost money, Dick.

Well, we better get started then.

So here I am doing my late night sermonette.

And it hits me.

The crew has taken out the New Testament and put in Hollywood wives.

For a moment there, the last supper was at Ma Maison.

That was really good, Billy.

Billy was two hours ago.

I'm Danny from Sermonette with Danny.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, let's check our tote board as we go into hour 25.

And the new total is...

Minus

57.

Listen, in this next hour, I want to see that board climb all the way to zero.

I'm... I'm going to take this call personally.

Hello, you're on the air with Dick Loudon.

Joanna, not now.

Well, some real pledgers might be trying to get through.

They could so.

I'm fine.

Everybody gets memory trouble when they're tired.

Dick Loudon, 28 Westbrook Road.

Well, I... I missed you too last night.

I love you too. Goodbye.

Well, let's get back with Reverend Lenny and see some of his clips.

And we're clear.

How's it going, Marathon Guy?

Terrible.

Well, don't worry dick as you get closer to total collapse. I'm sure things will

pick up Something

up guys Michael you promised we'd get our paychecks today.

Where are they?

Well, they are supposed to be Well here they are now the checks

Well, guys, here's your check, just like I promised, but WPIV management asks

one teensy favor.

Under no circumstances, try and cash them.

That does it. We're leaving.

Guys, try and look at this in a positive way. You know, some of you could stand

to forego a couple of meals and shed a few kilos.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, guys.

If you walk out that door...

You're saying goodbye to WPIV forever.

I mean, what about the close little family we've become?

Norm, Greg, Ted.

Who the hell are they?

All right, I'm having a little trouble with names.

I'm tired.

The point is that the closer I get to total collapse, the more people will

in and pledge. Right, Michael? That's the hope.

Job hunt, people.

Nice speech, big guy, but I guess it's over.

Come on, I'll drive you home.

I'm not leaving, Michael.

Sorry? No, comprende.

I'm staying a key.

There's no crew, no camera operators, no director.

It is my professional opinion that you should go home, Mr. Loudon.

Go to your tent, Timmy.

Wow.

Ignoring the doctor?

Dick, I have to tell you, I think lack of sleep has seriously impaired your

judgment. And I demand you let me take you home or else.

Or else what? Or else...

Or else I'm going to have to slap you.

I'm not giving up.

Okay, Dick, you leave me no choice.

Well, Dick, I didn't want to have to do this, but you're forcing me to use my

big gun.

I'm telling Joanna.

Hi again.

Sorry.

Sorry for that little technical boo.

Oh, boo.

But as I said, I'm sort of... sort of doing everything myself.

Moi.

Now, I got a couple more pledges, which will bring our... our tally -ho.

Tally -hi up to...

Aggression, total loss.

$37 .00.

Oh,

we've finally broken that elusive zero barrier.

I lost my head, folks.

Ten songs is the maximum you can play on your head.

Thanks.

Dick, the family cavalry's here.

Don't touch that dial. Dick'll be right back.

Honey,

honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Joanna. I know.

What is it?

We decided if you can't slap him, join him.

I'm going to run the cameras. I'm going to handle the phone.

I'm going to show everyone how to build a bookcase.

And I can go like this. Much better than that other girl.

And we're going to... Actually, we're still working on that one.

I am really beat.

Dick, Dick, everyone's real excited about this. Try and show a little

sensitivity.

Besides, you'll have plenty of time to rest once George gets rolling. Now, get

in there. Go ahead, get in there and intro the handyman.

Ladies and gentlemen, the telethon will continue after all.

Let's check our total once again.

$93.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie.

My next guest is Mr. George.

Oh,

hi, everyone.

I'm going to show you how to build a fine quality bookcase. So just sit back

the next couple of hours, enjoy, and pledge.

See, honey, now you can get a little rest.

First thing you do is make a frame by hammering these boards together like

Always remember that... Oh, boy.

I really bashed my thumb.

Sorry, I'm out of it. Back to you, Dick.

Dick.

talent you have, anything whatsoever?

Think.

I sang once in boarding

school. Perfect.

Get ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of...

Stephanie Vanderkill.

I'm sorry.

Old Man River.

That Old Man River.

He must know something.

But don't say nothing.

He just keeps rolling.

He keeps...

I get weary and sick of trying.

I'm tired of living and feared of dying.

But Old Man River, he just keeps rolling.

A dollar a member.

We've got to do something to shock him back to his senses.

Okay. Okay, guys. Go ahead. This is your big chance. Oh, boy. The limelight

beckons.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Hi. I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother.

Daryl. Sorry.

Bit of stage fright.

you're in for a treat.

What do you want to talk about, folks?

Well, I guess the most exciting thing for us is our newly patented consumer

item, Dr. Dribble.

The only spoon with a patented dribble catcher.

Oh, yeah, we have an update on our cow and kitty cat crossbreeding experiment.

From the sound of it, things are finally starting to pick up.

Honey, they're not pledging.

What? They all would have ordered Dr. Dribble.

Hot dog. A mail order winner.

Look out, Popeye.

People, you cannot order Dr.

Dribble through this station.

Please call only if you're going to make a pledge.

That's better.

Hey, everyone, we're back.

Everything's all settled.

Well, Dick, you did it. The telethon saved the station.

Well, that's a nice thought.

Totally wrong, but nice.

The station owner found out he needed to keep PIV on the air for the tax write

-off. He said we could all keep our jobs if we pulled the plug on this... What

did he call it? A fiasco?

Okay, honey, come on, let's go home now.

Honey, now that the whole crew is here, I can finish the telephone.

What are we going to do? He's delirious. We'll never get him home.

Meow.