Original subtitles

Stephanie, could you refill this marmalade jar?

Joanna, what do I look like?

A maid.

Do not.

And while you're at it, the maple syrup pitchers could use refilling.

Yeah, no one would ever guess it's a hairpiece.

It's part of my Halloween costume. The cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.

Coming through with maple syrup.

Stupid filthy trees.

Hi, Stephanie.

This is part of my Halloween costume.

Guess who I'm going as.

Joanna?

add a tail or something or everyone will be guessing Joanna.

You know, Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays.

I used to go trick -or -treating door -to -door.

George, you're not planning on going trick -or -treating, are you? Come on,

Joanna. I'm too old for that.

I mean, last year I was pushing it.

Actually, I was kind of hoping I could wear my costume to a, well, costume

party. Oh, a party!

Right here at the Stratford. Yes, why not?

How's this for a why not?

Over my dead body.

Good costume idea, Dick.

I hate Halloween parties.

All those people in Philly costumes.

Carving faces and vegetables.

I mean, all this beautiful furniture. There's great potential for next.

Come on, Dick. You won't even have to do anything.

I'll take care of the decorations, the party games.

I'll even create the spooky noises.

And I'll come.

Dick, all you have to do is sit back, drink cider, and pass judgment.

All right.

Let's party.

George, can you give me a hand here? Something's poking me.

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a jagged piece of tin.

Gouging at your side.

I'm such a sissy.

Boy, you gotta watch out for that costume. You could nick the hell out of

place.

Wow.

Look at us.

A cowardly lion, a tin man, and vampire.

I bet that would have made an even better movie.

Oh, it's side.

I'll staff when I'm calling you.

Well, that's it. I'm Uta here.

Wait a minute, Dick.

Your rivet's open.

Made you look.

Well, here I am.

I hope you all notice that I'm dressed as somebody.

I have to bow down, too.

Michael. Oh, sorry, Steph.

Come on, you guys.

Dick, this is going to be a party you'll never forget.

I've recorded scary sounds. There's going to be costume judging.

And are you ready for this?

Apple bobbing.

It's going to be a real night of terror.

Don't worry about all this Halloween hokum, Dick.

In a little while, you and I can sneak upstairs and watch a special fright

on WPIV. A twin bill of War of the Worlds, a perennial Halloween fave, and

soon -to -be classic, The Boogin.

Honey, um, I don't know how long I can stay here, you know. I mean, The

Someone's coming!

I'm scared.

So who are you guys supposed to be?

Well, I'm Tweedledee, Chester's Tweedledum.

No, Jim, I'm Tweedledee and you're Tweedledum.

No, I'm not.

I get so sick of the same argument year after year.

I'm getting so many compliments on this outfit.

Would it bother you if I wore it all the time?

Everybody, have you heard?

It's terrible, horrible.

What are you talking about? Polly, what the hell kind of costume is that?

Well, I'm a ghost, but I get a little claustrophobic.

Anyway, the world is coming to an end. What are you talking about?

It's all over TV, special news reports.

Earth is being invaded from outer space.

What? Very.

funny, Harley.

No, really, I saw these one -eyed creatures in their spaceships blasting

cities with their death rays.

I ran out to warn everybody as soon as they broke for commercial.

Commercial. Wait a minute.

In this news report, did you see any famous Hollywood stars?

Hey, now that you mention it, they got Gene Barry!

Everybody relax. Michael is running the movie War of the Worlds tonight, which

is about an alien invasion. Tell him, Michael. Well, actually... Tell him

Ted?

That you're showing War of the Worlds tonight. No, I'm not.

We're supposed to be running Clute.

Frankly, this whole story sounds chilling to me.

It's not a movie?

Didn't those psychics in the tabloids predict something exactly like this?

Wait a minute. On my way over here, I saw a bunch of strange lights in the

Where? Over the airport.

And I heard strange truck -like noises coming from the highway.

Michael, what are you trying to do?

Dampen those decibels, Dick.

Opportunity is knocking. This is my chance to be the Orson Welles of the

you know.

recreate that boffo panic he caused during his younger, thinner days.

That's ridiculous, Michael. That was caused by a radio show 40 years ago.

I mean, people aren't going to fall for that in this day and age. Are you

kidding? These people might as well have signs on their back saying, hoax me.

And the last report on TV said they were coming this way.

And you know what their logical first stop will be?

Bed and breakfast.

Michael just confessed to me he's trying to pull a hoax on you just like Orson

Welles did 40 years ago. Nice try, Dick, but I think these people are adult

enough to know that we're under siege.

Wait a minute. This is crazy.

Who are you going to believe? Someone who has everything in the world to gain

telling fantastic stories?

Or me?

Let's barricade the door.

People, will you please put my furniture down?

And for God's sake, don't nick it.

Look, any invading aliens advanced enough to travel eons in vehicles we can

barely comprehend are not going to be stymied by a pile of furniture.

Sure, Dick. You want us to leave the porch light on, too?

Okay, okay. I'll make a deal.

Just the Parsons bench.

Carefully.

Before we're sealed up in here, I feel it's my duty to run through town and sow

the seeds of panic.

Michael, I'm scared.

I'm dressed like a princess, so they're going to naturally assume I'm the

leader.

Although, no matter how I'm dressed, they'd probably assume that.

Okay, what do we do now? We need to start making some torches.

Torches are for monsters.

Shovels are for UFOs.

Everyone, I'm going to try one more time.

What Harley saw on TV was a movie about Martians invading Earth.

What do you think they were doing with Gene Barry?

Now, Dick's got a point about Gene Barry.

Fine.

Obviously, they've come for our celebrities.

Then what are we going to do?

Well, let's give him Dick.

Yeah. What?

What?

Jim's right.

Dick may not be much, but he's the only... celebrity we've got.

Wait a minute.

Besides what Harley saw on television, what other proof do we have that there

really is an invasion?

Well, what about the lights over the airport or the truck -like noises from

highway?

Airplanes and trucks.

Boy, he'll say anything to keep from being handed over.

People, all you have to do is turn on any TV and you'll see that it's a movie.

Where is the TV?

Well, the closest one is up in our bedroom. To the bedroom!

Oh,

my God! Those fiends have knocked P .I .V. completely off the air!

Michael, you knocked off the antenna.

Oh, sorry.

Now can you see it's just a movie?

What's that?

It's the W .P .I .V. test pattern.

I better call the station.

See if anything's wrong.

Phones are dead.

Sure they are.

Give me that.

It is dead.

Uh -huh. See, that is exactly how the margins do it. They always knock out the

communications.

And this has got margins written all over it.

We have to do this steering for our lives thing.

Relax, Dexter. Nothing to be scared of.

I think.

Everything's going to be fine.

They're toying with us, seeing if we crack.

Oh, boy, they picked the wrong group here.

Don't you realize that the TV station going off the air?

And the blackout could be because, I don't know, the storm?

But that isn't the only strange thing that's been happening, Dick. I didn't

to mention this, but I noticed that Peterson's store was out of maple syrup

today.

But they're never out.

That's a heck of a piece of information to be sitting on, Tyler.

What does maple syrup have to do with flying saucers?

Oh, no. I'm not about to try and outguess the keen, advanced mind of the

They'd probably use it for rocket fuel.

Of course.

It's rare on their planet, and Vermont is dripping in it.

It all fits.

You know, Drew, that's a... That's a darn intelligent theory.

You know, it seems to me that we'd all be a lot safer...

in the comfort of our own homes.

You're sending us out there, Dick?

Well, why don't you just ring the dinner bell?

Well, I'm not budging one more inch.

We're safe and sound, feel tight inside here.

Excuse me!

Jump it! Kill it!

It's Kara Huffman.

Okay, everybody, don't kill it.

How did you get in here, Kara?

Through the mud porch.

We forgot to barricade the other doors.

Oh, no, the kitchen furniture.

I'm sorry, I just need to use the phone. Our phones are dead.

Oh, dear.

I was driving home and... Well, this is going to sound crazy.

A large glowing object suddenly appeared in the middle of the road.

A glowing object?

Yeah. I swerved to avoid it, ran into a ditch and bumped my head.

When I came to, five minutes had passed and it was gone.

I've got bad news, Mrs.

Hoffman.

We have every reason to believe this planet is being invaded by

extraterrestrials.

Oh, my God!

There's no telling what the fiends could have done to her while she was out.

Maybe they're here to reproduce.

I think I feel an alien growing inside me.

Ew.

People, this is insane.

If they really were aliens, they'd be here by now.

Where are they?

Dick's got a point.

Maybe we can't see them.

Because they're all... Already among us.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Who in this room could be from space?

Oh, now that just... It all makes sense now. He's the one that was trying to

convince us there was no... And he was the one who was trying to drive us

outside into their clutches or whatever they have.

Sure. He's got the perfect setup.

He runs an inn so his Martian buddies will have a place to bunk down.

And he writes how -to books to teach his alien friends how to adapt to life on

Earth.

And he controls the airways, lulling us into a semi -conscious state every week

with his show.

look like him?

Hold on here, all of you.

I have lived and worked with Dick Loudon for six years and I can definitely say

I don't really know him.

Sorry, Dick, but you do kind of keep to yourself.

People, my husband is not an alien.

Don't make me use it.

If you all leave my home immediately, without nicking the furniture,

I may spare you.

I said leave!

Leave!

Aren't you going to go?

Come on, Dick. No alien would talk like that.

What do you take us for, idiots?

Open up. It's Officer Shifflett.

Sorry, Officer Shifflett. We can't let you in until we're sure you're human.

Okay. Sounds like I have to take down this doorway with my ramp.

In three.

Wait.

Bluff gets them every time.

Hi, Officer Shifflett. Sorry, there's been some craziness here.

Not surprising under the circumstances.

Caught this man doing the Paul Revere bit, saying we're all about to become

Martian meat.

Boy, am I glad to see you, Officer.

Someone's finally set these people straight about this invasion business.

Tell them, Officer.

Be glad to.

Looks like we're under siege from outer space.

I'm here to round up a few good men to kick some extraterrestrial butt.

You want to fight them?

Hey, I don't care if those marskies got two, three butts. I'll kick every last

one.

Okay, people, it's posse time.

Okay, you, lion.

The chub in green tights.

Tweedle's dumb and deep.

Garbage can?

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I can't make you fight for your planet.

You stay behind here with the women and children.

And the Mountie.

Officer Schiffler, can't you see that this whole outer space scare is

ridiculous? Look, I might as well tell you, there have been numerous reports

coming in.

Saucers? Cows.

Seems the countryside's dotted with some strange moods.

Oh, no.

Cows in Vermont.

There's more.

Seems these particular milkers are of a glow -in -the -dark variety.

Oh, my God.

I take it from this reaction that cows aren't supposed to glow in the dark?

No, ma 'am.

Okay, posse, let's move out.

Look!

There's one of the glowing cows!

Holy moly!

This is real!

Look! Something dark and scary is coming this way!

It's super wide and it's got feelers!

from space?

That would explain so much.

We were hoping to borrow some non -abrasive cleanser.

What for, guys?

Well, we were trick -or -treating, and when Farmer Gordon wouldn't treat, Daryl

here sprayed his cows with fluorescent...

Then we realized when those cows are huddled together to sleep, they wouldn't

get wink one with each other shining in their eyes.

Well, that closes the file on the luminescent livestock.

I've made the earth safe for carbon -based life forms again.

Excuse me, but you folks look pretty panicked.

It appears we missed out on a lot of fun.

Well, Larry, some people here mistook the glowing cows.

among other things, for a Martian invasion.

What a bunch of rubes.

No invasion?

Boy, are we a couple of dumbheads or what?

Meow.