All language subtitles for newhart_s05e01_co-hostess_twinkie

Well, that's all the time we have.

Thank you, Professor Chatsworth, for
showing us your insect collection. I'm

you'll find your runaway scorpion,
Cecil, in no time flat.

We'll see you next week on Vermont
Today.

And we're clear.

Cecil! Cecil! Hey, I found him. He
crawled onto a Danish and got stuck.

So, Dick, what did you think of today's
show?

I thought it was fine until Cecil
decided to make his break.

Was it a good example of the kind of
show you like to do, a kind of lasting

impression you'd like to leave with the
public?

I guess so. Good, because Vermont today
has been canceled.

Canceled? Why? We have a small audience,
but they're loyal.

Correction, Dick. We're loyal.

The competition won them over with their
Brady Bunch Brady Brides Hour.

But don't worry.

This shoulder will always be here for
you to cry on. Michael, telephone.

me, Dick.

Everyone, you want to... You want to
gather around?

I have some sad news that I'd like to
share with you.

Vermont Today, the show we've all worked
so hard on, has been

canceled. We know that, Dick.

You do?

Everybody knows.

I just wanted to thank you for the
fantastic job.

you've done and let you know that I've
been touched by your kindness, your

friendship, your loyalty.

Can we go now, Dick? We have to set up
for Pearl's Kitchen.

Your hard work.

Back, Dick.

Now that you're over the cancellation
blues, let's talk about your brand new

show.

What new show? What didn't I tell you?
It's called On the Town. A modern, 80s

kind of program. Hip, fast -moving, pow
-pow powerful.

Oh, it sounds horror, horror, horrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick. It'll still be
brainy like Vermont today.

Michael. And you'll be able to move out
of the studio and on location.

Location.

I always wanted to do that.

Okay, Michael.

I better tell the crew.

Everyone, you want to gather around?

Again?

You trying to get us fired too, Dick?

Apparently, my announcement was a little
premature.

Michael tells me that we'll all be
working together on a new and, I think,

better show.

We know.

On the town, right, Dick?

Right.

Well, that's all the new information
there is.

Right?

Except...

for who you're going to get to be your
sexy new co -hostess.

Michael, what's this about a co
-hostess?

Where'd you hear that?

From the crew.

Oh, then it must be true.

But don't worry, you get to pick her.

Is that right?

Yeah, right.

Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and
this is my other brother Daryl.

And this is our new quadruped
acquaintance.

I have never seen anything in pink look
so frightening.

What a great pig.

We was taking a bicycle tour of the
local cesspools when suddenly we saw

two tiny eyes staring out at us through
multiple layers of filth.

It just seemed to grunt. Take me, take
me.

What do you call it?

Well, that's a large portion of the
reason we're here.

We've decided on Miss Stephanie.

There is a God, and he does punish.

Stephanie, they named the pig after you
as a compliment.

How are you?

pretty cloven hooves you had.

Waddle on over here, Miss Stephanie.

Let's see that spiky tail shape.

George!

I guess I have some handyman stuff to
do.

Hi.

What's with the pig?

Larry, Daryl, and Daryl have named their
new pig after Stephanie.

to make after three years on the air.

Vermont today has been canceled.

We know, honey, and we're all very
sorry.

You all knew?

Well, Michael called and told me, and I
told George and Stephanie.

Well, how did you know? Anybody with an
eye for the Nielsen's could have seen it

coming.

Brady Bride's Hour was a masterstroke of
counter -programming.

Well, it's time to slop, Miss Stephanie.

My recurring nightmare has come true.

My name has been used in a sentence
containing the word slop.

Honey, Michael also mentioned that your
new show would have a permanent co

-hosted. Now, I made a deal with myself
that I would ask you once, accept your

answer, And that would be the end of it.
No ifs, ands, or buts.

No.

We're so very, very happy you joined us
this evening. Please come back and visit

with us again real, real, real, real
soon. Right, Dickie?

Yeah.

That's it.

Nice audition, Buffy.

of a tendency to do that.

I really, really, really didn't notice.

You know, I really enjoy doing the
weather on Channel 10, but it would be

incredibly neat to get to do deeper
stuff.

Well, we'll let you know.

let me say I refuse to wear a bikini,
halter top, push -up accessories, or any

article of clothing that exposes my body
for cheap, titillating purposes.

Well, you shouldn't have to worry about
that. Our goal is to do a classy,

informative show about Vermont.

Sure.

I'll start any time.

What are you looking at?

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to
On the Town.

I'm Liz Sable.

And...

I'm

Dick Love.

That was very nice.

We'll let you know.

If I were a man, You'd let me finish.

I don't know about you, Dick, but I feel
like checking

to see if I still have all my equipment.

Next we have Nancy Preston.

Oh. Hi.

Hi. Oh, I'm a big fan of Vermont today.

Sorry, it was canceled.

Well, thanks.

That's very nice of you. Do you have
your copy handy?

Well, actually, I've memorized my part.
I hope that's okay.

Just this once.

Start any time.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, and welcome to On the
Town. I'm Nancy Preston.

And I'm Dick Love.

We're going to travel all over this
great state of ours and see everything,

starting with how they tap trees to get
maple syrup.

Take it away, Dick.

Wow.

Well, I've certainly heard enough.

Well, thank you.

I really do hope we get to work
together.

Maybe my master's in Vermont history
won't go to waste after all.

Wow.

What do you, uh, what do you think?

There's no contest. I couldn't agree
more.

So, do you want to be the one to tell
the guy grinder she didn't get the job?

Okay, done. You can open them.

Gee, Michael, this is nice.

The station has high hopes for this
show. No expense was spared.

Great staircase.

to get the set looking this good, we
kind of had to ignore the building

It's perfectly safe. Just remember one
simple rule.

Never lean.

Well, I think, despite the danger, this
is going to be a good show, and I'm

starting to get excited about working
with a co -host.

Get used to this loon.

No, she doesn't.

What's going on? Dick, Dick, access
those brain cells.

You said it yourself. No contest.

Host, meet your co.

Oh, Dickie, it's going to be so
amazingly terrific working together.

Dick, I thought we agreed. It's a little
lousy of you to flip -flop on me now.

I didn't flip -flop. I never wanted her.
I wanted Nancy.

She was smart. She was confident. And
she loved Vermont history.

Well, no offense, Dick, but snore,
snore.

Trust me, you and Buff will be boffo.

Michael didn't exactly hire Nancy. He
hired somebody named Buffy Denver.

Buffy Denver?

You mean that terminally happy weather
girl on Channel 10?

That sounds a little like her.

I hate her.

Oh, I do, too. She's so superficial.

I tried to fire her, but I couldn't do
it. It'd be like stomping a Smurf.

Hi.

You're looking at three usually happy
-go -lucky scamps who've just hit

Something wrong?

We have bad news, Miss Stephanie. You're
missing.

to her pen and she was gone. The boat
was pulled and the latch was released.

Somebody let her out?

We doubt if she'd have had the dexterity
to do something like that on her own.

Who could have done such a thing?

I was just setting it free so it could
go back to the forest or the sea or

wherever they come from.

Stephanie, pigs don't live in the forest
or the sea.

Then this one will be the first.

Excuse me. I hate to break up a family
chat, but we have some sow -seeking to

do.

I'll just post this right here.

Missing Miss Stephanie.

Farm grown.

Penny Pin -Eyes, approximately 300
pounds, will

respond to her name or a pat on the
rump.

Larry, is this the only poster you have?

Yep.

Oops, it ripped.

That's okay.

We have a ton of others slapped all over
town. Oh, my God.

Wait, let's search for her together.

I'm excited about doing my first live
remote broadcast.

Yeah, me too, Dick.

I'd much rather lug around this portable
hernia than sit on my duff in a nice,

comfortable control room.

Oh, Dick, look who's here.

It's your history buff.

Oh, you made it.

Places, everyone.

Dick, before we go on, I just want to
say that, well, this is your kind of

environment in my first show, so if you
don't mind, I'll just... Stay quietly in

the background.

I think your instincts are very good.

Well, thank you.

And in three, two... Hi, I'm Dick
Loudon. And I'm Buffy Denver.

And we're coming to you live from the
Vermont Museum of History. This is one

my favorite places, and I'm thrilled to
be able to share the reverence and

appreciation that I...

Not really.

We're standing next to one of the
museum's most prized possessions.

A letter dated 1778 and signed by Thomas
Jefferson.

The letter concerns... Oh, let me see. I
once took a course in handwriting

analysis.

See the way he loops his ease?

That means he was real shy at parties.

In a couple of years, he took a crack at
running the country.

That's right.

He was president.

Well, let's move over here.

This is an authentic general's map of
the Battle of Bennington, where the

colonists fought the British.

Oh, I know where this is.

This area is known for its high
humidity.

I think now would be a good time to
bring in the curator of the museum, Mr.

Dennis Longfellow.

Hello, Dick. Buffy.

You want me to comment on that frizzy
hair thing?

No, no, that's okay.

Tell us, Mr. Longfellow, which exhibit
is your favorite? Well, that would have

to be right over here.

Ethan Allen's Diary.

and Alan wouldn't mind.

Well, then, as long as we're snooping,
does it mention in there when he decided

to get into the furniture business?

Buffy, why don't we just let Mr.

Longfellow talk?

Well, I'm sorry. I was just trying to
help.

I always get hollered at in museums,
too.

Oh, it's all right, Buffy.

Did you have to come down on her so
hard, Mr. Lamb?

little life into this place.

I'm sorry.

I wish half the people who came into
this museum had her enthusiasm and

curiosity.

you on your first On the Town.

Michael, it was a disaster.

Well, not totally.

The moment when the curator told you to
go to Hadestown had real power.

Michael. Easy, Dick. You were right. I
was wrong.

You plus buff equals... Let's see what's
on the other channel.

But the important thing is the station
and I still believe in On the Town.

Well, so do I.

But we need a fresh start with new...

personnel. Finally, they're total
agreement.

And may I say, this guy's impressed
you're not taking your canning

You're firing me?

Well, you don't expect me to fire Buffy,
do you?

Dick, the audience loves her, and
they're going to love your replacement.

He's waiting right outside. He didn't
want there to be any hard feelings.

Come on in, Beth.

Meet Biff Randall. Hi. You know, it's
really super to put makeup on in natural

light.

You wear makeup when you're not on
camera?

Well, not as much.

Biff, show Dick your teeth.

I saw the show, and I didn't think you
were as horrible as everyone said.

I really mean that.

Thanks. Why don't you wait outside,
Biffer? Okay.

To be honest, he wasn't even the best
audition, but who could resist on the

with Biff and Buff?

Good luck on your new show, Michael.

And good luck on your new show.

What new show? Well, believe it or not,
the station had some good response to

you, too, but our research shows people
want to see you in something more

intellectual.

You mean something exactly like Vermont
Today?

Nail on the head, Dick. We'll hammer out
the details later.

I've got to go. I promised Biff an ice
cream.

Oh.

I have good news.

Vermont Today is back on the air.

We know, honey.

No, no, you couldn't know this one.

Biff wandered into the kitchen.

Hi. We bring glad tidings.

In pork form.

Oh, boy, Miss Stephanie's back.

We just kept calling, and finally she
came home. Just like Lassie.

We have a bit of disturbing news.

When we gave her a hello hug, we noticed
something that we failed to closely

inspect earlier.

Miss Stephanie's a he.

What?

That's right. And as much as we love the
name Miss Stephanie, It could do

irreparable damage to the pig's sexual
self -image.

But we've come up with a name that is
still fit for such a noble hog.

Come on. It's wallowing time, Dick.