Original subtitles

Well, that's all the time we have.

Thank you, Professor Chatsworth, for showing us your insect collection. I'm

you'll find your runaway scorpion, Cecil, in no time flat.

We'll see you next week on Vermont Today.

And we're clear.

Cecil! Cecil! Hey, I found him. He crawled onto a Danish and got stuck.

So, Dick, what did you think of today's show?

I thought it was fine until Cecil decided to make his break.

Was it a good example of the kind of show you like to do, a kind of lasting

impression you'd like to leave with the public?

I guess so. Good, because Vermont today has been canceled.

Canceled? Why? We have a small audience, but they're loyal.

Correction, Dick. We're loyal.

The competition won them over with their Brady Bunch Brady Brides Hour.

But don't worry.

This shoulder will always be here for you to cry on. Michael, telephone.

me, Dick.

Everyone, you want to... You want to gather around?

I have some sad news that I'd like to share with you.

Vermont Today, the show we've all worked so hard on, has been

canceled. We know that, Dick.

You do?

Everybody knows.

I just wanted to thank you for the fantastic job.

you've done and let you know that I've been touched by your kindness, your

friendship, your loyalty.

Can we go now, Dick? We have to set up for Pearl's Kitchen.

Your hard work.

Back, Dick.

Now that you're over the cancellation blues, let's talk about your brand new

show.

What new show? What didn't I tell you? It's called On the Town. A modern, 80s

kind of program. Hip, fast -moving, pow -pow powerful.

Oh, it sounds horror, horror, horrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick. It'll still be brainy like Vermont today.

Michael. And you'll be able to move out of the studio and on location.

Location.

I always wanted to do that.

Okay, Michael.

I better tell the crew.

Everyone, you want to gather around?

Again?

You trying to get us fired too, Dick?

Apparently, my announcement was a little premature.

Michael tells me that we'll all be working together on a new and, I think,

better show.

We know.

On the town, right, Dick?

Right.

Well, that's all the new information there is.

Right?

Except...

for who you're going to get to be your sexy new co -hostess.

Michael, what's this about a co -hostess?

Where'd you hear that?

From the crew.

Oh, then it must be true.

But don't worry, you get to pick her.

Is that right?

Yeah, right.

Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

And this is our new quadruped acquaintance.

I have never seen anything in pink look so frightening.

What a great pig.

We was taking a bicycle tour of the local cesspools when suddenly we saw

two tiny eyes staring out at us through multiple layers of filth.

It just seemed to grunt. Take me, take me.

What do you call it?

Well, that's a large portion of the reason we're here.

We've decided on Miss Stephanie.

There is a God, and he does punish.

Stephanie, they named the pig after you as a compliment.

How are you?

pretty cloven hooves you had.

Waddle on over here, Miss Stephanie.

Let's see that spiky tail shape.

George!

I guess I have some handyman stuff to do.

Hi.

What's with the pig?

Larry, Daryl, and Daryl have named their new pig after Stephanie.

to make after three years on the air.

Vermont today has been canceled.

We know, honey, and we're all very sorry.

You all knew?

Well, Michael called and told me, and I told George and Stephanie.

Well, how did you know? Anybody with an eye for the Nielsen's could have seen it

coming.

Brady Bride's Hour was a masterstroke of counter -programming.

Well, it's time to slop, Miss Stephanie.

My recurring nightmare has come true.

My name has been used in a sentence containing the word slop.

Honey, Michael also mentioned that your new show would have a permanent co

-hosted. Now, I made a deal with myself that I would ask you once, accept your

answer, And that would be the end of it. No ifs, ands, or buts.

No.

We're so very, very happy you joined us this evening. Please come back and visit

with us again real, real, real, real soon. Right, Dickie?

Yeah.

That's it.

Nice audition, Buffy.

of a tendency to do that.

I really, really, really didn't notice.

You know, I really enjoy doing the weather on Channel 10, but it would be

incredibly neat to get to do deeper stuff.

Well, we'll let you know.

let me say I refuse to wear a bikini, halter top, push -up accessories, or any

article of clothing that exposes my body for cheap, titillating purposes.

Well, you shouldn't have to worry about that. Our goal is to do a classy,

informative show about Vermont.

Sure.

I'll start any time.

What are you looking at?

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to On the Town.

I'm Liz Sable.

And...

I'm

Dick Love.

That was very nice.

We'll let you know.

If I were a man, You'd let me finish.

I don't know about you, Dick, but I feel like checking

to see if I still have all my equipment.

Next we have Nancy Preston.

Oh. Hi.

Hi. Oh, I'm a big fan of Vermont today.

Sorry, it was canceled.

Well, thanks.

That's very nice of you. Do you have your copy handy?

Well, actually, I've memorized my part. I hope that's okay.

Just this once.

Start any time.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, and welcome to On the Town. I'm Nancy Preston.

And I'm Dick Love.

We're going to travel all over this great state of ours and see everything,

starting with how they tap trees to get maple syrup.

Take it away, Dick.

Wow.

Well, I've certainly heard enough.

Well, thank you.

I really do hope we get to work together.

Maybe my master's in Vermont history won't go to waste after all.

Wow.

What do you, uh, what do you think?

There's no contest. I couldn't agree more.

So, do you want to be the one to tell the guy grinder she didn't get the job?

Okay, done. You can open them.

Gee, Michael, this is nice.

The station has high hopes for this show. No expense was spared.

Great staircase.

to get the set looking this good, we kind of had to ignore the building

It's perfectly safe. Just remember one simple rule.

Never lean.

Well, I think, despite the danger, this is going to be a good show, and I'm

starting to get excited about working with a co -host.

Get used to this loon.

No, she doesn't.

What's going on? Dick, Dick, access those brain cells.

You said it yourself. No contest.

Host, meet your co.

Oh, Dickie, it's going to be so amazingly terrific working together.

Dick, I thought we agreed. It's a little lousy of you to flip -flop on me now.

I didn't flip -flop. I never wanted her. I wanted Nancy.

She was smart. She was confident. And she loved Vermont history.

Well, no offense, Dick, but snore, snore.

Trust me, you and Buff will be boffo.

Michael didn't exactly hire Nancy. He hired somebody named Buffy Denver.

Buffy Denver?

You mean that terminally happy weather girl on Channel 10?

That sounds a little like her.

I hate her.

Oh, I do, too. She's so superficial.

I tried to fire her, but I couldn't do it. It'd be like stomping a Smurf.

Hi.

You're looking at three usually happy -go -lucky scamps who've just hit

Something wrong?

We have bad news, Miss Stephanie. You're missing.

to her pen and she was gone. The boat was pulled and the latch was released.

Somebody let her out?

We doubt if she'd have had the dexterity to do something like that on her own.

Who could have done such a thing?

I was just setting it free so it could go back to the forest or the sea or

wherever they come from.

Stephanie, pigs don't live in the forest or the sea.

Then this one will be the first.

Excuse me. I hate to break up a family chat, but we have some sow -seeking to

do.

I'll just post this right here.

Missing Miss Stephanie.

Farm grown.

Penny Pin -Eyes, approximately 300 pounds, will

respond to her name or a pat on the rump.

Larry, is this the only poster you have?

Yep.

Oops, it ripped.

That's okay.

We have a ton of others slapped all over town. Oh, my God.

Wait, let's search for her together.

I'm excited about doing my first live remote broadcast.

Yeah, me too, Dick.

I'd much rather lug around this portable hernia than sit on my duff in a nice,

comfortable control room.

Oh, Dick, look who's here.

It's your history buff.

Oh, you made it.

Places, everyone.

Dick, before we go on, I just want to say that, well, this is your kind of

environment in my first show, so if you don't mind, I'll just... Stay quietly in

the background.

I think your instincts are very good.

Well, thank you.

And in three, two... Hi, I'm Dick Loudon. And I'm Buffy Denver.

And we're coming to you live from the Vermont Museum of History. This is one

my favorite places, and I'm thrilled to be able to share the reverence and

appreciation that I...

Not really.

We're standing next to one of the museum's most prized possessions.

A letter dated 1778 and signed by Thomas Jefferson.

The letter concerns... Oh, let me see. I once took a course in handwriting

analysis.

See the way he loops his ease?

That means he was real shy at parties.

In a couple of years, he took a crack at running the country.

That's right.

He was president.

Well, let's move over here.

This is an authentic general's map of the Battle of Bennington, where the

colonists fought the British.

Oh, I know where this is.

This area is known for its high humidity.

I think now would be a good time to bring in the curator of the museum, Mr.

Dennis Longfellow.

Hello, Dick. Buffy.

You want me to comment on that frizzy hair thing?

No, no, that's okay.

Tell us, Mr. Longfellow, which exhibit is your favorite? Well, that would have

to be right over here.

Ethan Allen's Diary.

and Alan wouldn't mind.

Well, then, as long as we're snooping, does it mention in there when he decided

to get into the furniture business?

Buffy, why don't we just let Mr.

Longfellow talk?

Well, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

I always get hollered at in museums, too.

Oh, it's all right, Buffy.

Did you have to come down on her so hard, Mr. Lamb?

little life into this place.

I'm sorry.

I wish half the people who came into this museum had her enthusiasm and

curiosity.

you on your first On the Town.

Michael, it was a disaster.

Well, not totally.

The moment when the curator told you to go to Hadestown had real power.

Michael. Easy, Dick. You were right. I was wrong.

You plus buff equals... Let's see what's on the other channel.

But the important thing is the station and I still believe in On the Town.

Well, so do I.

But we need a fresh start with new...

personnel. Finally, they're total agreement.

And may I say, this guy's impressed you're not taking your canning

You're firing me?

Well, you don't expect me to fire Buffy, do you?

Dick, the audience loves her, and they're going to love your replacement.

He's waiting right outside. He didn't want there to be any hard feelings.

Come on in, Beth.

Meet Biff Randall. Hi. You know, it's really super to put makeup on in natural

light.

You wear makeup when you're not on camera?

Well, not as much.

Biff, show Dick your teeth.

I saw the show, and I didn't think you were as horrible as everyone said.

I really mean that.

Thanks. Why don't you wait outside, Biffer? Okay.

To be honest, he wasn't even the best audition, but who could resist on the

with Biff and Buff?

Good luck on your new show, Michael.

And good luck on your new show.

What new show? Well, believe it or not, the station had some good response to

you, too, but our research shows people want to see you in something more

intellectual.

You mean something exactly like Vermont Today?

Nail on the head, Dick. We'll hammer out the details later.

I've got to go. I promised Biff an ice cream.

Oh.

I have good news.

Vermont Today is back on the air.

We know, honey.

No, no, you couldn't know this one.

Biff wandered into the kitchen.

Hi. We bring glad tidings.

In pork form.

Oh, boy, Miss Stephanie's back.

We just kept calling, and finally she came home. Just like Lassie.

We have a bit of disturbing news.

When we gave her a hello hug, we noticed something that we failed to closely

inspect earlier.

Miss Stephanie's a he.

What?

That's right. And as much as we love the name Miss Stephanie, It could do

irreparable damage to the pig's sexual self -image.

But we've come up with a name that is still fit for such a noble hog.

Come on. It's wallowing time, Dick.