Original subtitles

Dick, do me a favor.

What's that?

Smell me.

Michael, of all the things I wanted to do today, that was third.

Please, Dick, before Steph comes down.

What's going on?

I'm smelling Michael. Why?

I took a good long look at my life recently, and I found there was no

No risk, so... Dick, Joanna, I've switched colognes.

And without a net, too.

Make light if you want, but if Steph doesn't like this, I'll be yesterday's

muchacho.

Hi, everybody.

Boy, do I have exciting news.

Well, word travels fast.

Zebediah Utley is finally getting his due.

Zebediah Utley?

You mean you're...

Your great, great, great, uh, great grandfather.

One of the founders of the town?

That's Zebediah.

The town council has finally decided to honor him, and as the only surviving

Utley, they chose me to dedicate the bronze bust they had made of him. Well,

kudos, George.

I didn't know a relative of yours helped found the town. Oh, yeah. He was a

member of an intrepid band of explorers that set out from Boston in search of an

overland route to China.

China? I said they were intrepid, Dick, not smart.

So I guess this is as far as they got?

No, this is where Zeb chickened out and refused to go on.

Well, still, if it weren't for him, we might not even have a top.

That's true.

I guess it's a good thing the others couldn't coax him out of that tree.

Hi, Michael.

Oh, here she comes. Cross your fingers for me. I'm way ahead of you.

Something's different. What is it?

Steph, I've switched colognes.

Without consulting me?

Michael, what were you thinking?

I think she likes it.

George, we come bearing great news. It'll knock your socks off.

If it's about Michael's new smell, I already heard.

Research on Zebediah Utley Day turned up another living Utley. What?

Dick, as mayor, I was supposed to get to tell him.

I don't understand.

How can there be another Utley?

Years ago, a great uncle of yours moved to Milwaukee, and you have a distant

cousin, George.

Dick, if you wanted to be mayor, you should have run.

I'm sorry. You tell him the rest.

What's left?

Well, that you got in touch with him and invited him to the ceremony.

Thanks a lot, Dick.

I can't believe it, Dick.

A minute ago, I was all alone in the world. Now I'm not. What's his name?

Eugene.

Dick, I just remembered one thing you forgot to spill.

George's cousin's name.

It's Eugene.

Relative, Dick, just think. I'll finally have a picture of someone to put in

this.

You know, I've always wondered, Judge, who are those people?

They came with a frame.

That's Uncle Walt, the highly decorated war hero.

That's Aunt Doris, the Nobel Prize winner.

You have make -believe relatives?

You get weird when you're all alone in the world.

Let's, uh...

What's the story with the boy?

We don't like to talk about Cousin Petey, Dick. He's been such a

to his parents.

Eugene's room is ready and waiting, George.

Thanks, Joanna.

I hope you remember to scatter a bunch of those little soaps around. If he's an

Utley, he'll probably want to wash while he's here.

Those Utleys, one surprise after another.

Hi, all.

Steph, your sweet -smelling guy is here.

Michael, I thought you had to work late tonight.

Well, Steph made me get out of it.

Ever since I switched colognes, the woman can't keep her hands off me. I

may have stumbled on the love potion number... Michael.

Good God, Steph. Was there some sort of industrial accident during your

toilette?

No, silly.

I just couldn't wait to see you and smell you.

I mean, Michael.

Alan?

Michael. Alan.

It's an easy mistake, right?

Well, they practically rhyme.

Now, come on. I'll let you watch while I comb out my hair.

Michael, I told you. Day up wins.

George? Cousin Eugene!

Oh, cousin!

Georgie Poole!

Cousin Eugene, I'd like you to meet my best friends in all the world. This is

Dick Loudon. Hi.

And his wife, Joanna.

Hello.

Yo!

Dick, Joanna, this is... Cousin Eugene.

So, Eugene, how was your flight?

It stunk.

Just because I had a coach ticket, they tried to kick me out of first class.

When you're in my line of work, you learn not to take no for an answer.

What is it you do?

I sell Romwhite products, Dick.

What are Romwhite products? You name it.

Anything to satisfy your...

Household, personal, even a few of your barnyard needs.

Dick, would you like to see how this little gizmo can get rid of nose hairs

that? No.

I can't take that for an answer, Dick.

Sooner or later, I'm gonna get you.

Georgie Porge.

So, um... What are you, like a farmer or something?

No, I'm the hand... Candyman here at the Stratford.

Just like my father was before me. It's sort of a family tradition.

Sounds more like a nice way of saying, Dad got me the job.

Say, Eugene, would it be all right if I got a picture of you?

Great. But let me get one first.

you got a bikini or something?

I think that's enough photos for a while.

Just as well. Ooh, ooh, ooh, hot camera, hot camera.

George, maybe this would be a good time to show Eugene to his room.

Great. And because you've been so kind to let me stay here, I've got something

for you.

Is murder a capital offense in Vermont?

It's worth checking into.

Steph, I demand to know who this Alan is.

That name just slipped out.

Twelve times?

Now, who is he?

Nobody. Just a guy who used to smell like you.

A guy?

Someone you were in love with?

Of course not.

It was more of an uncontrollable passion sort of thing.

checked out.

Why? Maybe it was because an obnoxious salesman was banging on their doors in

the middle of the night, saying sooner or later he was going to get them.

Then again, it might have been the shock of seeing Eugene strolling naked to the

shower this morning.

I think I'm entitled to gross out pay.

Look, we told you we don't want any wart remover. Sure you do.

But we don't have any warts. But your wife's got that.

Forge this morning? He hasn't come down yet. Good.

I have just the thing to wake him.

The Rom White distress blaster comes in handy in bad neighborhoods. You want

one? This is Vermont. We don't have any bad... I'll find it.

Good. I'll build you later.

Right now, I gotta wake up Georgie Forge.

you should talk to George.

Honey, I can't tell George that his only living relative is the most obnoxious

human being we've ever met.

Then he may just stumble onto it.

Hola, host.

Hostess, cupcake.

Michael!

Ew.

You smell like you again.

Well, Steph, I couldn't go on knowing you were kissing me but smelling him.

Now, are we still going to the dedication ceremony tonight or not?

I guess.

Pick me up at eight or something.

Whoa, the thrill is gone.

I'd have to figure out a way to get that high -class honker back on the set of

Michael Harris.

Boy, that Eugene.

Do you know what he just did?

Snuck up, scared the living hell out of you with a rom -white blaster while you

were trying to shave.

He's quite a character.

Isn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, he's one of a kind.

Like no one I've ever met.

Yeah, he's a real individual.

I hate him, Dick.

You should, George. He's a fool.

An income fool. An obnoxious ball of slime.

Hey, that's my cousin you're talking about.

George, just because he's family doesn't mean you have to like him.

Okay. He's an obnoxious ball of slime.

Well, look at it this way, George. You'll be leaving tomorrow and then all

troubles will be over.

But he's going to the dedication tonight. Everybody in town is going to

him. What am I going to do?

Is murder a capital offense in Vermont?

Yeah, but they haven't executed anyone since 1954.

Yeah.

Honey, you know, I only checked out of curiosity.

Eugene, you're my only living relative, and I don't want you to take this the

wrong way, but you are a pushy, obnoxious jerk.

Say, what are you driving at?

I've been on my best behavior since I got here.

You have?

Well, sure.

Didn't I tell Dick that just because he writes how -to books instead of novels,

it doesn't mean he's a failure?

Well, sure, but...

statue is.

What's the embarrassing part?

I really don't want you to come to the dedication ceremony tonight.

What?

Again, no offense, but I'd prefer no one ever know we're related.

Oh.

Well, if that's what you want, George, I guess there's No point in my hanging

around.

Too bad.

All these years, I've been wishing there was someone in this world I was related

to.

It's me worst around the holidays.

You ever spend Thanksgiving alone, George?

There's nothing like the heartache of saying, pass the AMS.

And they just sit there.

Models, huh?

At least you got people.

I got a bunch of cats playing with yarn.

Wait.

If you really want to come to the ceremony, you can.

You mean it?

But once we get there, don't talk to anyone. Don't look at him. Don't do

anything.

Is that it?

You can have this back after the ceremony.

Wait here, Steph. I'll

find a seat.

Fine. I may still be here when you get back.

Oh, what do you know? Candice Bergen at our town meeting? Hey, Candy.

My mistake.

It's just old Mrs. Trogdon.

Keep a sharp eye, Daryl. There's a sissy in the vicinity.

Again, Eugene.

Thank you.

And speaking of but... That must be Zebediah.

Okay, what happens from this point on?

No lifeline.

You can actually see the fear in his eyes.

You must be George's cousin, Eugene. I'm Mayor Wanamaker.

Very nice to meet you.

Say, is that a piece...

Oh, you're wearing that cologne again. Not me, Steph.

Oda Allen has been banished from this nape.

Well, someone's wearing it.

Good evening.

We're gathered here today to honor the founder of our town, Zebediah Utley.

much maligned. He was called Chicken Liver, Gutless Utley,

Tree Frog.

That too.

But today we're going to remedy that.

Here to dedicate this beautiful bronze bust is Zebediah's great, great, great,

great grandson, George Utley.

aversion therapy.

From now on, Steph will equate Oda Allen with Oda. Ew, ew, ew.

Oh, my goodness.

No wonder Miss Stephanie ran screaming from the room.

I have seen the sissy and he is us.

Here, I'll make a note.

Soon as the river thaws, it's bath time.

Hi, I'm George Utley.

I never knew my great, great, great, great grandfather, but I'm sure... He

great, great, great, great guy.

So in his honor, I'd like to dedicate this butt.

So I do.

Well, I guess that concludes the ceremony.

Hey, that's it?

I sneezed and missed it.

to do up here, Juggle?

Oh, why not let George's cousin Eugene speak?

He's an Utley, too.

That's a good idea.

What the hell?

I can't say what a pleasure it is for me to be here.

Because it isn't.

opportunity for me to meet the fine people of the town that he founded.

And when I look out and see your faces, so full of

hope and integrity, I can't help saying, thanks, Zeb, for a job well done.

And I wonder what Zeb would say if he could be here today. I think I know.

I think he'd say,

Perfect for removing stains from metal, fabrics, and yes, even busts of minor

folk heroes.

Now hold it right there.

Gene, no one needs a spot remover.

Oh, what about him? I mean, is this a tie or is it a napkin he forgot to take

off? You're manhandling a man.

What is this?

You, you look like a guy with some serious sweat stains under that jacket.

Oh, take it easy, take it easy. I mean, look what that spot remover did for this

thing.

Oh, gee.

Oh, this is drain cleaner.

But imagine if that had been a greasy clog.

Now, don't crowd, don't crowd. There's enough for everybody.

Hold it.

Nobody's touching my cousin. We just want to do to him what he did to that

statue.

No. Anyone who wants him is going to have to come through me first.

It's all over. Everybody just go home.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Tough room.

Thanks. Well, when you come right down to it, we are cousins, so I figure

I should get first crack at you.

That's because this suit is made of 100 % unnatural fibers. And one just like it

can be yours for only $59 .95.

Go ahead, George. Pull and tug all you like. Because the Ron White Wonder Suit

will not wrinkle!

Come in.

Hi, George.

We found this. I hope it's the sort of thing you wanted.

Oh, gee, it's beautiful.

It's just like having you here.

George, we are here.

Well, I guess the real test will be after you leave.

Anyway.

Oh, George.

We're very touched.

Well, you folks are more my family than my family.

Sorry Eugene was such a nuisance.

That's all right, George. I'm sure we all learned something from the