Original subtitles

Okay, here's how Senor Ouija board works.

You ask the spirits a question, and they'll respond by moving this to yes,

or it'll spell something out on these letters.

And it's at this point I'll be having fun?

More fun than splashing badly dressed pedestrians in the Turbo Z.

Ooh, they should put that in the box.

All right, let's communicate with the hereafter.

We can talk to any historical figure we want, like...

Cleopatra's dead,

isn't she?

That's the rumor.

Well, I'd be interested to know what kind of makeup she used.

All right, now we're rolling. Earth to Cleo.

Hey, Dick, Joanna, could you give me a hand here? I need someone to check this

application.

The Vermont Family Support League.

You're applying to be like a big brother?

George, that's terrific.

Well, it's the least I could do for a kid that needs a buddy. I figure I can

take him hiking or fishing to a ball game. Back from a ball game, too.

Let's take a look.

Name, George Utley.

Occupation, head of guest relations.

Stratford Inns of America.

You were honored by the Society for Semi -Aquatic Animals?

Yeah. You remember last year when they roasted me down at the Beaver Lodge?

George, my advice would be to be as upfront as possible with your answers.

Yeah, George, you're a terrific guy. You don't need to exaggerate.

Oh, I guess it's worth a shot.

I've got a couple of extra applications up in my penthouse suite.

Well, it is on the top floor of the garage.

L.

E.

Cleopatra used that on her face?

Phew, hang up on her.

Well, if history's gonna gross us out, let's try the future.

Okay, tell me this, Weege.

Will my true love be forever faithful?

No.

Well, we're obviously experiencing a slight technical difficulty. Let me try

rephrasing the question.

Will my true love ever be unfaithful?

Yes.

Michael, I don't like this game. It's saying bad things about me.

Well, not to worry, Steph. It's not like anyone believes this silly stuff.

Good. I'm going to the kitchen to get us some drinks. I'll come with you.

Sunday, I've got a photographer coming to take a new picture of you for the

station lobby.

What's wrong with the old one? It's no longer accurate, unless you're planning

on growing a goatee and mouse ears.

Somebody drew on it?

Hi, Michael. Oh, Steph, I'm glad you didn't cancel tonight's date. How many

times do I have to explain about last night?

My curling iron and hot rollers went on the blink at the same time.

I couldn't let you see my hair without its natural curl and bone.

but you have to admit it's kind of a coincidence.

The iron and rollers are right upstairs if you want to check.

Steph, I wouldn't demean our relationship by going upstairs to verify

story. We can check it out right here with our friend the Ouija.

Michael, if you don't put that board away, you're not going to need it to

communicate with dead people.

Away it is and away we go.

I promise you'll never let a board game come between us.

Low bridge. Look out.

Low gate.

Down periscope.

Periscope down.

Uncle George, sir.

Dick and Joanna Loudon, this is Mitch Stevens, and I'm Uncle George.

Hi, Mitch.

Hello. Looks like you two had a great day.

We did.

They didn't.

this whole inn.

Really? Every wall. And Dick here writes all sorts of books.

Wow. You mean like Horton Hears a Who?

Um, more like Horton Builds a Barbecue.

And Dick here is the star of his very own TV show.

Wow. Well, I'd hardly say star, George. More like personality.

Wow. Know what?

Uh, no.

Uncle George is going to teach me how to have...

Hitting my fingers.

Well, that's swell.

And you know what else?

I don't think so.

Uncle George is coming over, and we're going to build a treehouse.

Well, again, I'd put that in the swell category.

It's going to be 12 feet high.

Great.

And you know what else?

You shouldn't talk with your mouth full.

Mitch, we should let Dick eat. He loves playing know what.

Looks like he's a champ at it.

Mitch, maybe you should wait here. I've got a lot of messy fish cleaning to do.

Oh, boy.

Fish guts.

Hey, Dick, look what I... Oh, sorry.

You're in the middle of something.

No, that's all right.

Joanna asked me to clip these cents off coupons, and I accidentally said yes.

So, what's up?

I just got the pictures back of my fishing trip with Mitch. Oh, great.

Here's Mitch holding his first worm.

It's a beauty.

And this is Mitch trying to get the worm on the hook.

Uh -huh.

This is Mitch looking for the worm on the ground.

And here he is after he found the worm.

George, I really ought to get back. I'm racing the clock on these expiration

dates.

Oh, sorry. Just looking at all these shots of Mitch get carried away. Yeah,

there's something about a boy and his worm.

I'm building Mitch a wigwam out back as a surprise.

Could you keep him busy for a minute? Sure.

Hi, Mitch.

Hi, Uncle George.

Hi, Dick. Know what?

Mitch, why don't you just tell me?

Uncle George said we get to go down to your TV station and see your show.

Oh, Mitch, I haven't even asked yet.

We just can't put Dick on the spot here.

So, Dick, what is it, yes or no?

Well, you can come to tomorrow's show if you want to. All right.

Miss, could you stay in here with Dick for a minute?

I'm getting a big surprise ready for you.

Okay, Uncle George.

Uncle George said your pictures are on the back of your books.

Tom, I thought it was a mirror.

Dick, are any of the kids in your books named Mitch?

Most of my characters tend to be hand tools.

Are any of your tools named Mitch?

No.

But I suppose if I ever named one, I could name it Mitch the Monkey

Wrench.

Dick, do you ever have kids named Mitch on your TV show?

No.

Never, never, ever.

But you could.

Hey, you know what?

We could be in a show together.

I could be Mitch the monkey wrench.

Great idea, it's just, you know, kind of been done to death.

Took a bath and went to bed early. Was that the straight poop?

Michael, I'm only willing to talk about today's show. Fine.

Well, while preparing today's show last night, what was Steph doing?

Michael? All right, Dick, you don't have to answer me. I'll just walk away, and

if you don't stop me, I'll know Steph was telling the truth.

Wow, I feel much better now.

You are playing along with me, aren't you, Dick?

Hiya, Dick!

Oh, hi, Mitch. Where's George?

He's still parking the truck. I couldn't wait to see you.

Listen, Mitch, let me make one thing clear.

You know, you're lucky to have a friend like George, because he's one terrific

guy. Wow!

This is just like a real Hollywood studio.

No, no, it isn't. It's a tiny, low -budget...

Hole in the wall station.

Hi, guys.

It's just like a real Hollywood studio, huh?

Yeah! It's not at all like a Hollywood studio.

Three minutes, Mr. Loudon. Thank you.

Dick, the photographer for the new lobby portrait. Thank me.

You want to look over the cue cards, Mr. Loudon? They're fine.

Just like being on the set of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Really, it's never like this.

I mean, this is a quiet, intellectual show.

Today's guest is a scientist with the Department of Agriculture.

Boring, right?

Dick, the agriculture guy canceled. A little radioactive milk, and suddenly he

doesn't have time for it.

So, meet today's guest, the amazing Duane.

You booked a magician?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Loudon. I say, nice to meet you, Mr. Loudon.

Oh, I see what the problem is. You have an egg in your ear.

I think we've got our opening, Dick.

Try to remember how you reacted.

It was cute.

Pretty neat, huh, Mitch?

Yeah. You know what, George?

Dick said he's going to write a whole book about me.

He did?

What? Yeah.

And you know what else?

It's going to be a TV show, too.

Mitch the monkey wrench and Dick the drill.

We're going to fight crime and fly.

What?

George, I never said anything about a television show.

But it could happen.

Fifteen seconds, Mr. Loudon. Clear the stage, please.

Well, well.

Looks like you and Mitch have quite a lot planned together, Uncle Dick.

George, can we talk about this after the show?

Oh, I don't know. You and Mitch might be too busy fighting crime and flying,

Uncle Dick.

Five seconds. You Hollywood types don't care who you step on, do you, Uncle

Dick?

Why hasn't George come down yet? I was...

Hoping to talk to him.

Not yet, and I don't know why you didn't talk to him after the show yesterday.

Honey, the amazing Dwayne had me jammed in a box full of swords.

It wasn't like I could make any sudden movements.

Is that the cinnamon hot crosses?

Yeah, and they should be just about ready to come out of the oven.

Steph, have you got a minute for a couple of quick follow -up questions?

I keep telling you I was home all night.

Stupid, stupid spirits.

I wish they'd just drop dead.

Fingers.

All right.

Listen up, you stiffs.

Will I be unfaithful to Michael?

No. Case closed.

I don't get it, Steph. Every time I ask...

Will my true love ever be unfaithful?

Yes.

It doesn't figure.

The only way both answers could be right is if you weren't my true... Well, this

thing's obviously defective.

tease that you're not going to believe some piece of plywood, are you?

In fact, I think Ouija is Latin for silly.

Let me get these babies out of their misery.

Well, leave a few.

I think the smell might lure George out of his room.

Good. Then we can talk. I mean, two adults should be able to straighten this

out.

Mmm.

Cinnamon hot crosses.

George, about this business with... Gee, I didn't steal anything you cared

dearly about, did I, Uncle Dick?

Maybe it would be better if you talked to Mitch.

Yeah. At least I could count on him not to act childish.

And take all my buns!

Hi, Uncle Dick.

Oh, hi, Mitch. I'm glad you could make it.

I want to talk to you about Uncle George.

I just saw him outside.

Why don't you have a seat?

Oh, boy!

In need of you. Just like on your TV show.

Here, pretend this is a microphone.

I know you think you're real fond of me.

I mean, to you, I must seem glamorous, exciting, almost godlike.

I don't think you like me for me.

I think you like me for what I do.

My being a talk show host and a writer must seem glamorous to you, but in

reality, it's nothing more than glitz.

Glitz?

Glitz is like... I can't hear you!

Glitz is like Mr.

T's jewelry. Mr.

T? Mr.

T wears a lot of gold and silver, but underneath all that glitter, he's just

your average... Mr.

T may not be the best example, but... You get my point.

isn't going to be any show, and I don't know Mr.

T. I'm just a regular guy who wanders down to a tiny, dingy

TV studio and does a pathetic, low

-budget show that doesn't even draw as much an audience as

Sewing with Susie.

write those adventure books?

They're how -to books.

No one reads them. They just refer to them and

spill paint on them and

varnish.

Nobody cares who even writes them.

Mickey's hand is on the three.

I'd like to stay on top of you, Dick, but I really wanted to get into some

riding. See you around.

So how'd it go?

Honey?

I'm nothing.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Mitch.

What you doing?

a boring picture on the stupid wall.

Really? Can I watch?

Wouldn't you have a better time with Dick?

Well, he's a nice guy and everything.

But when you get right down to it, he's mostly a glitch.

Oh.

George, you were going to show me how to hammer a nail without hitting my

fingers.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Take careful aim. Hold the nail steady.

Keep your eye on the head.

You know what, Uncle George?

What?

I'm glad you're my big brother.

Steak, Mrs. Zimmer.

I must be looking for another TV.

It was nice talking with you.

And I'm sorry I called you a hussy.

I know you're not speaking to me, but can I use the phone? My car just broke

down. I'm sorry, Michael. This phone is only for guests of the inn and people

who are faithful to me.

Please, Steph. The Turbo Z is stalled at an intersection. She could get smashed.

I don't know how she broke down like that.

You've always been so reliable.

Like a true and faithful...

There'd be no contest.