Original subtitles

What a lovely castle.

Are your parents traveling in Europe?

No, that's our summer house.

Ever since Daddy's retired, he's taken up photography.

Ah, I wondered why a postcard would have a finger in it.

Stephanie! Stephanie, hold still.

Joanna, I don't know why we have to go through this. I already told you my

measurements. I'm afraid I need more to go on than perfect.

Why do we have to wear stupid costumes anyway?

It's a tradition. Now stop complaining. You're going to look beautiful.

I already do.

Dressing up in a colonial gown may excite you, but what about those of us

don't need gimmicks?

Hi, Joanna, Stephanie.

Look what I got for colonial days.

Oh, that's great, George.

Doesn't he look handsome?

Yes. Handsome as a person can look in clothing with corners.

What's going on?

Well, I've got a few more finishing touches to put on your costume for

days.

Oh, no. Is this weekend colonial days?

Forsooth, landholder Loudon.

I have to spend the weekend finishing my book. The deadline's Monday. You said

you'd have that done.

Honey, then you shouldn't have bought me that miniature basketball hoop from my

waste paper basket.

It's hard to write with the stands chanting, Loud!

Loud! Loud!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to miss the celebration.

Dick, you can't miss colonial days.

Yeah, Dick.

You'll miss the reenactment of the British siege, the plague of 1724, and

Great Indian Massacre.

Well, I'd like to participate, George, if only to relive the good times.

Well, there's also a strict town ordinance that says everyone has to

else. Or else what?

You know, I'm not sure.

No one's ever dared risk it before.

Well, that sounds like cruel and vague punishment.

Anyway, I'm going to spend the weekend in my studies, so I'll have no reason to

wear a costume.

can think of one. What's that? I spent two weeks making it.

Oh, that is wonderful. I know, I know.

Stephanie, you look... Oh, George, don't say I look more beautiful than you've

ever seen me. Why not?

Because it'll mean I haven't always looked my best and that my entire...

existence has been a stupid, useless, pointless waste.

Oh.

I've shoveled stuff that look better than you.

Well? How do I look?

Boy, you look a lot better than Stephanie does, that's for sure.

Let's not overdo it, George.

I don't think he likes his costume.

Why not?

That doesn't... Dick!

Just ignore them.

That is the way noblemen dress.

There's nothing noble about this.

Look at me. No wonder the Indians massacred these people.

You don't look more beautiful than you've ever looked in your entire life.

Thank you.

Officer Shifflett, don't you look authentic.

Yes, ma 'am.

Sorry to bust in like this, but I nabbed a traffic violator.

Claims to be somebody here's father.

My daughter works here.

Alleged daughter.

Officer Shiplet, this is Stephanie's father.

Okay, I've ID'd him.

Nailed him for two counts of driving against the parade.

It was awful. Batons everywhere.

I have the right of way.

How do you figure?

I always have the right of way.

Not in my town.

Mr. Vanderkellen, I'm Dick Love.

How do you do?

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

What are you supposed to be?

A nobleman.

I guess while some people were carving out the wilderness, somebody had to stay

home and dance backwards.

The man they make fixed toilets.

Charles.

Daddy, what are you doing here? I came to visit you, sweetheart.

No, seriously.

Stephanie, I know we've had our differences in the past, but now that

retired, I'm determined to spend more time with my family.

Where's Mommy?

I left her in Newport.

Oh, she's on several fundraising committees, and her presence was needed,

with this save -the - $1 ,000 -bill crisis.

I guess there's no point in contributing money.

So, how long will you be in town?

As long as my daughter can stand me.

Come on, I'll make up a room for you if you promise not to watch.

Stephanie, the rooms are all full.

Oh, that's right.

Who can we kick out?

Stephanie, I really think I should take a room elsewhere.

I'm afraid every room in town is booked for colonial days.

It's a madhouse.

I could even be looking at some mob control.

Well, I've got a nice big room over the garage.

If you want, we can set up a cot.

George, I hardly think that... Oh, no, that would be fine. Lead the way,

Something is seriously wrong with Daddy.

What are you talking about? He seemed fine.

Fine?

Dick, my... Father just agreed to share a room with George over a garage and

sleep on a cot.

All right.

Three early warning signs.

the way it was in the old days.

Okay, okay, okay.

But it's not fair.

Even the Flintstones had a vacuum.

Joanna, I can't work in this. Now I've lost my blue editing pencil.

Well, Dick, you can't blame that on your costume.

Yes, I can. I tried to stick it behind my ear and my wig ate it.

Well, come on in and sit down. I'll look for it. While you're in there, see if

you can find chapter three.

other brother, Daryl.

And this is our friend, Art.

Daddy! Oh,

you two are related?

There's another faux pas for the record.

Guess what, kitten? I was strolling through the woods and I came across

three chaps dressed as colorful 18th century woodsmen.

You look kind of sartorially resplendent yourself, Art.

Look. They're teaching me how to whittle. It's enormously relaxing and

practical, too.

This is going to be a grandfather club.

Well, we got to go.

Art, we want to thank you for that tip on the deferred investment credit.

Okay,

Daddy.

Why are you acting so nutso?

without having insanity questioned.

Here, stop worrying and buy yourself something.

Oh, it's late.

George promised to teach me how to chop firewood.

I hope I don't get my grandfather caught mixed in with the kindling.

gave me?

A hundred dollars.

It all makes sense now.

Daddy's not retired. He's broke.

And he's obviously trying to cover by giving away huge sums of money.

Yes.

He used to give me more than this to buy gum.

Stephanie, don't you think you might be jumping to conclusions?

Well, what conclusion would you jump to if your father couldn't afford gum?

Why, somebody's swinging an axe.

Daddy, don't try to deny that something's wrong because I know what it

You do?

Yes, and we'll survive.

You can liquidate, and Mommy is always finding loose bullion in the sofa.

Sweetheart, what on earth are you talking about?

Our being poor.

We're not poor.

We're not?

You mean your fortune, parentheses, my inheritance, close parentheses, is safe?

It's nothing like that.

It's just... Well, I left your mother.

Unavoidable. Your mother and I had a terrible row.

And you left her? No, I left the screaming fishwife that had taken

her body.

This is kind of bordering on the personal.

Maybe Dick and I should... No, I want the... world to know what a maniacal

I married.

Well, since you're backing off the personal stuff.

Daddy, this doesn't sound like mummy at all.

The woman threw Wedgwood at me. No.

Fortunately, I ducked, but she hit the Picasso.

Fights at your house can really add up.

Daddy, what started all this?

Who knows? knows. One minute she was playing bridge with her club, the next

was using language that, well, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that

sailor blood on your mother's side of the family.

But you can't just walk out on 38 years of marriage.

Oh, really?

Just watch my dust.

to talk to him last night? No.

So I telephoned Mommy and tried to talk her into driving up here, but she

wouldn't listen.

I even pouted.

Kit loses something over the phone.

Oh, morning, honey. Did you sleep well?

No, I was too excited about getting to wear this again.

Dick, it's the last day of the celebration. Tomorrow you can put on

clothes. John, I know, honey. I've heard that once you've worn lavender satin,

it's hard to go back.

Hello? Mommy!

What are you doing here? I thought you said you weren't coming up.

Well, I just couldn't forget what your father and I had meant to each other.

Besides, what did you expect with the way you pouted on the phone?

Mommy, I'd like you to meet Dick and Joanna, the people who make me clean the

glop out of drains with my hands.

Stephanie told me so much about you.

Well, I hope drain glop wasn't the high point.

Thanks, George.

I never changed oil before.

It's ever so much more fun than shipping it in from Kuwait.

What are you doing here?

I came here to talk to you.

You're wasting your time, Marion. There's nothing left to discuss,

after you called me... that name.

What name? The one that jumped right out of the gutter into your mouth.

I didn't call you that.

You mooned my bridge club.

I'm going to my study. I'm going to the kitchen.

Garage. Wait, that won't be necessary.

I'm the one who'll be leaving.

Noodle head.

Noodle head.

Noodle head.

What did I tell you?

Sailor blood.

Is my wife around? Do you want me to get her?

No.

Mr. VanderTellen, you're not really leaving.

Yes, I am. Would you please tell your husband that I hope we meet again under

less bizarre circumstances?

Now, there's nothing bizarre about a domestic squabble. I was talking about

clothes.

There he is, officer.

Sorry, sir, you're in violation of Article 3, Paragraph 2 of the Colonial

Celebration Bylaws.

Now, what does that mean?

You got trouble right here in River City?

The rule says all residents must dress up in collodium costumes.

I don't think the Minutemen wear Italian shoes.

I'm not a resident.

Paying to stay here?

Well, no, but... And didn't I hear you say that you're staying indefinitely?

Well, yes, but... You're a resident.

You put him up to this.

Well, you know how often I said that people who don't know how to dress

should be taken off the street.

What's going on? Dick, what happened to your costume?

Joanne, I'm sorry. I wasn't getting any work done. I kept rolling my lace cuffs

into my typewriter.

Whoa, look what got caught in the dragnet.

Wait a minute. What is this?

Taking you in for noncompliance with the dress code. It's all part of the fun we

call colonial days.

This is ridiculous.

We can sue you for this.

Go ahead.

maketh my day.

I've been wanting to say that.

All right, come on, come on.

It's going to be a little crowded.

Hope you don't mind sitting in the back, Mr. Loudon.

There's no way I'm getting on that horse.

Cheer up, gentlemen. Like I said, it's all part of the fun.

Well, when the good times roll, this is where I want to be.

Time to make my rounds.

I'll stop by later and scare the pigeons off you.

Stephanie, what is so important that you had to drag me down here like this?

Well, you said that you wish Daddy would hold still long enough to talk to him.

Well, well.

He couldn't get much stiller than that.

into this, and you were working on your book, too.

Hey, it really isn't that much of a disruption.

All right, Arthur, now that I've got you where I want you, what's going on?

Leave me alone.

Daddy, you're in no position to be stubborn.

We can make you talk.

Nobody can make me do anything.

You're a proud man, aren't you, Daddy?

had your pride, your dignity, and your savoir -faire.

All right, all right, I'll talk. Just take them off.

Why did you humiliate me in front of my bridge club?

Because your bridge club is stupid.

You think the Democrats are stupid, but you never moved them.

I was tempted in 72.

Besides, you're always so busy with your clubs and charities, I didn't think

you'd even notice.

Notice? We all noticed.

Mrs. Hodgkins buttered and ate the three of hearts.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Maybe this is none of my business, but I think what your husband is trying to

say, that with you busy all the time, maybe you haven't been paying as much

attention to him lately.

When you're in stir with a guy, you get to know him.

Arthur, I've always been busy with my clubs and charities. I had to be. You

always off earning gobs. But now I'm retired.

They took my name off the door and put it on a plaque with a bunch of dead

people.

Arthur, you're not making any sense.

I think what he's trying to say is he feels like he's useless.

Do you mind? This is a personal conversation.

I'm sorry, I'll, uh... I'll move over there out of earshot.

Wait, Mommy.

Usually when Dick talks, I don't listen either.

But this time he might be on to something.

Arthur?

Are you feeling useless?

How should I feel?

The business is fine without me. The children are gone. My wife doesn't need

I'm nothing.

I feel like mooning the world.

I had no idea you felt this way. You've always been so strong and confident.

I know.

I didn't want you to see me like this. Not like this. Like this.

But, Arthur, I love you like this.

I love you any way you are.

Sweetheart, I love you, too.

Possibly this is a bad time, but could someone scratch my nose?

Here.

Mommy, couldn't you drop one or two of your activities to make time for Daddy?

Well, I suppose so.

It's a sure bet the Bridge Club isn't coming back.

And, Daddy, couldn't you go back to work part -time? Well, some people have been

trying to entice me to helping them out of their financial crisis.

That's wonderful, Daddy. Who?

The English.

What a pair of noodleheads we've been.

Friends again?

Yes, we are.

Then consider yourself on parole.

Now, don't show your mugs around here again unless they're in love.

I'm pissed.

Let's go over and buy the lemonade stack.

An unfriendly takeover.

My offer is bad.

Now that everybody is friends again, will you let me out of here so I can

my nose a real scratch?

Sorry. His arrest was a set -up.

Yours was a righteous bust.

You got another hour.

And none of that is part of the punishment.

Folks, folks, could someone scratch my nose?

It's worth money.

Five dollars to scratch my nose.

Anybody, five dollars to scratch my nose.