Original subtitles

Grab that, will you?

Here's your eggs.

And here's your farina.

Excuse me, but I ordered oatmeal.

Okay. But I don't know what difference it makes. They're both white, lumpy

Tiffany, the Davidsons are our guests. What's gotten into you? It's this stupid

Vermont weather.

I'm sick of ice, I'm sick of cold, and I'm sick of having a hat line on my

forehead.

Ah, then I guess Mrs. Davison was asking for it.

How can anyone hate a winter as crisp and beautiful as this one?

You love just about everything, don't you, George?

Yeah, I guess so.

Then here.

Except white, lumpy slop.

How's the book coming?

Almost finished. Good.

Hola, Eskimos.

Anyone care to rub noses?

Last call.

That's all you get from this table.

Steph, don't tell me you're still met.

Well, what do you expect?

You canceled our vacation three times this winter.

So until you get me someplace where you can't walk on the lake, you can tape

your nose and stuff it.

What was that?

Just a couple of plane tickets to Bermuda I happened to stumble across.

The land of sun and silly shorts.

Yes, Joanna.

I know before you booked all these rooms you asked if I'd be on vacation and I

said I wouldn't, but now I will, okay?

We asked for a few days' notice. You gave us 15 seconds.

That's ballpark.

Oh, no, Joanna, it's more than 15 seconds. I won't be leaving until... Day

tomorrow. And I'll only be gone... Seven days.

But that means you won't be back until all these people have left.

So it's okay?

I guess you do have the time coming, Dick.

Well, some of our guests will have to clean their own rooms, but I...

I guess the important thing is that our maid have a tan.

Are they understanding or what?

Come on, I'll let you watch me pack.

She's amazing. I didn't even have to ask.

Looks like we'll have to manage without a maid for a while.

We have for two years now.

Oh, no, not again.

Dick, do something. You stay there. I'll chase her your way.

Gloria Neal, she's perfectly harmless.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother, Daryl.

And that's our goat, Martin.

What? Yeah, we finally decided on a moniker for her. Daryl here was partial

Lassie. That seemed more of a name for a chicken.

room is no place for a goat.

You don't have to tell us, ma 'am.

How'd you get out of the den anyway?

Larry, this is the third time this week she's wandered over. She's butted the

door open. She's scared our guests. She's joined me in the shower.

Well, if she becomes a nuisance, just let us know.

Yesterday, she ate my shoes.

Okay,

we'll replace them. Daryl?

I think it'd be better for all of us if from now on you tied her up in the yard.

Yard, huh?

Well, okay.

But I'm going to have one honorary goat on my hands if she can't watch Soul

Train.

going to be doing, living on the beach?

Oh, I never go down to the beach.

Why not?

They're thin.

Oh, of course.

Michael! Stephanie!

Oh, my God.

You're canceling our trip again.

I have to, Cupcake. A crisis has come up at the station.

What did you bring me this time? A pearl bracelet.

What's Stephanie?

And here's just a sample of what you'll be missing.

Did she get dressed in the dark this morning?

No, Michael is canceling their vacation again.

What'd you get her?

A bracelet.

I can't figure it out. I spend and spend and spend and she's still mad.

Women.

We're scum.

Sure is nice to get a little understanding for a check.

Well, I'm, uh, sorry we had this chance to chat.

Oh, no!

Oh, my Lord!

Whoa, psycho at a time.

The stupid goat ate my book.

I thought they only liked garbage.

No editorial comment intended.

It looks like she only ate the first three chapters.

I know how you feel. I can't finish them either.

Michael, why don't you and Martha save me the trouble and throw each other out?

Got a page I can use for bait?

Come on, Martha.

Who are you calling?

I haven't decided. Either animal control or a cannery.

You touch one thing on this desk and you're driving close.

Don't you have a plane to catch?

I'm not going.

Huh? I decided it would be foolish to go without Michael.

I'd be tan and he wouldn't.

We'd clash.

Lucky you caught that in time.

So I'm just going to stay here in this frozen tundra, freeze and shrivel and

chapped to death.

Boy, is it great out there.

Four inches of fresh powder.

You should see it.

Billions of tiny snowflakes, and no two of them alive.

They are now.

I'm sorry, George. She's a little upset.

Well, at least it was quick.

Joanna, would you give me a hand with this? I'm trying to piece together the

undigested portions of my manuscript.

Couldn't you just explain to your publisher why it's going to be late?

Believe it or not, they look at you funny when you tell them the goat ate

Here, I think I've got a match.

Your pet should quickly adjust to his new home.

If not, crush or chop it up into small,

bite -sized morsels.

I don't think so.

You're the expert.

Is that it?

Yeah. They ain't talking to you.

Why not?

Because it appears you're the one who ratted on our goat to them animal

Well, I certainly did. She ate my book.

That still ain't no reason to have her carted off.

They carted her off?

What do you think they was gonna do?

Give her a scholarship to Radcliffe?

Well, I just wanted them to make you tie her up.

Well, they locked her up.

Luckily, Darryl... was able to win her freedom.

You know how persuasive he can be.

Yeah, he can charm the birds right out of the trees.

Well, why don't we let bygones be bygones and go back to being good

again? I'm afraid them happy days is gone forever.

Darryl?

What's going on?

Tradition demands that we throw down the gauntlet.

that someone apparently forgot to bring.

Harry, what are you talking about?

Cover your tails and protect your young 'uns, because as of now, your clan and

ours is officially feuding.

Feuding?

Yes, ma 'am. By feuding, you mean you'll be real mad at us?

Yeah.

And that we're feuding.

By feuding, you don't mean bang -bang, notify next of kin, Hatfield

-McCoy feuding?

Couldn't say. Never met him.

Fellas, by feuding, what do you mean?

The rules of combat will be apparent soon enough.

Well, no, they won't, because it takes two sides to make a feud, and our side

isn't feuding.

Okay, but you're making it awful easy on us.

Dick, what do you think they're going to do?

Probably nothing. Probably just a scare tactic.

That's working.

Maybe I'd better put out some peace feelers.

Uh, guys?

I... I wonder how the McCoys got egg off their door.

Excuse me.

We'd like to check in.

Really? Why?

We have a reservation.

We're on our honeymoon.

And you came to this frigid wasteland that saps your skin of its natural oils

and makes you old before your time?

The brochure didn't say anything about that.

It should.

I just hope you took plenty of wedding photos.

It'll help you remember her the way she was.

Mr. Davidson, don't check out. We came here for some peace and quiet.

Not to listen to some deranged trio banging on their garbage cans all night.

Actually, they were our garbage cans and they weren't banging on them. They were

flattening them.

Thank you for clearing that out.

We wouldn't want to leave for the wrong reason.

Come on in. Let's go.

This stuff is strong and soft.

We've got to get this stuff out of the trees.

You do it.

I've got to stay here and protect the young 'uns.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Can I help you? No, no.

We just stopped in to get directions.

Where to?

Florida.

You go to the end of the driveway and turn south.

Keep your head down. I'll make a run for it.

Dick, this feud thing is getting on our heads. We're losing guests.

We've got to do something.

Well, I don't know about you. I'm just going to let them have their fun until

wears them down.

Patience is my battle plan.

Yes, that does it. No, no, please don't go out there. They have eggs. It'll be a

fortune in dry cleaning.

Honey, don't worry. I'm just going to reason with them. This thing has gone

enough.

Querida, is there something about my personality that incites people to

violence?

Yes.

All I said was hi. All next thing I knew, I had a glacier in my eye.

Hi, Gumdrop.

I wouldn't come near me, Michael, unless you want to get spray and wax.

Save that venom for the sky cap, Steph. We're going after all.

We are?

That's right. Pack up your old kit bag. We're Bermuda bound.

What about your chrysons at the station?

I've been doing some soul searching, Steph.

And I've decided that nothing is more important to me than you are. So I

right into that station manager's office and told her I'm going.

Into the hospital for seven days.

Oh! Come on, you can help me with my bag.

Fortunately, I was so busy ripping up pictures of you, I didn't have time to

unpack.

Oh, Dick, what happened?

Reason didn't work out, so I tried something else.

What?

The hose.

I got a really good look at him.

You can actually see them turning blue.

Dick, this is absolutely childish. I can't believe you stooped to their

This is light years ahead of their level.

I took them out in one blast.

George, I want you to go into town and buy up every egg you can find. Right,

Dick. George, stop. Dick, you're just going to make things worse.

Honey, did I mention they dug up your azaleas?

And get some rotten tomatoes.

George, can you give us a hand getting this out to the car? There's no point.

Larry and his brothers have blocked the driveway with a huge wall of snow.

No one can get out.

What? Look for yourself.

Here, hold this.

Oh, my God.

Look at that pile of white hell.

Steph, what are we going to do if we can't get out of here?

Don't say...

a lot of influence, I... I just toast him.

I took him out with one shot.

Dick, I am prepared to cry and carry on about this.

And you can count me in on the carrying on part.

Honey, maybe you should go over there. The sooner this thing ends, the better.

Besides, you got them last.

If you stop now, you win.

Oh, that's true.

I'll get Daryl on my side. You know how persuasive he can be.

trying to coax more ammo out of the chickens.

We better leave.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl. One

false move and we'll egg you to kingdom come.

That don't apply to you, Miss Stephanie.

And may I say you're looking particularly vivacious, even in wartime.

Thank you, Larry. That's very observant. Dick wants to talk to you.

It seems to me the last time we've seen you, you was doing your... talking with

a hose.

You sent out a pretty clear message with the toilet paper.

Man, man.

Peace first, war stories later.

Dick? Well, I think it's time to stop the feud.

My inn's a mess. The guests are leaving and I had to put my garbage cans out

with the trash.

Well, we're feeling the scars of battle ourselves.

That hosing was a masterstroke.

ain't had the sniffles like this since that bath last summer.

Then it's agreed.

We've all suffered enough.

Especially me.

So, why don't we call off the silly feud and you can unblock our driveway?

There's nothing we'd rather do. We like you folks.

But tradition won't allow us to just call it off.

Well, what does tradition allow?

Complete and unconditional surrender on his part.

Oh, okay, you've got it.

Did you hear that?

We own ourselves a million.

What are you talking about? Didn't I explain that?

According to tradition, the spoils go to the victor.

Your end is a spoil.

Are you crazy? You may as well ask me for my money, my car, and my wife.

Maybe you'd better sit down for this next part.

No.

No deal, no surrender, no way.

Okay, egg him.

Okay, hold it.

You two drop those eggs.

You two, sit down.

No!

Larry, I want you and your brothers to clear that driveway now.

Not till he gives me the in.

Dick, give him the end.

Larry, you're not getting the end.

What else can he do to make it up to you?

Nothing. What do you mean, nothing?

I seem to remember a bylaw to the tradition that states he has to formally

apologize to and kiss the offended party.

Do it, Dick.

I'll apologize, but I'm not going to kiss him.

Not me.

Her.

Fine.

What do you mean, fine?

If you don't do it, we ain't shuffling.

Dick. One kiss.

You get your in. I get Bermuda.

She's a girl.

I'm sorry I turned you on.

Okay, now kiss her.

Is that on the forehead all right?

Maybe you better sit down for this next part.

Meow.