All language subtitles for newhart_s03e09_happy_trails_to_you

Uh -oh.

Here's another new word I can look up.

Mellifluous. When did you start looking
up words, George?

Remember last week when my friend Dutch
had his appendix out? I went to the

hospital and they said he was in the
solarium.

Well, a cold chill went up my spine.

I said, oh, Lord.

Dutch has lost his mind.

But you know what the solarium turned
out to be? A sunroof.

That's right.

Well, if I'd known the Dutch was just
getting a tan, I wouldn't have run

screaming down the hall.

I looked strange, Dick.

That's when I decided from now on I'm
going to look up all the words I don't

know.

Oh, my marmalade's touching my eggs. I
hate that. I hate it. I hate that.

Don't you think Stephanie is being a
little too fastidious?

Having high standards.

I looked that up yesterday, Dick.

Keep it up. You're going to be a regular
thesaurus.

I'll be right back.

Dick. Oh, hi, Joanna.

Hi, Michael.

Dick, I have an important question for
you.

What's your favorite dessert?

Strawberry shortcake.

No, pie.

Gee, I really thought I had that one.

Why pie?

Because that's what I told the pie bake
-off committee, and I made you head

judge. Well, I don't want to be head
judge. Who does, Dick?

But this is a great opportunity to
publicize your show.

Look, Michael, that's not the image I
want for the show. It's not dignified.

I mean, judging pies is not something
that, say, Edward R. Murrow would have

done. I happen to know he would have,
Dick.

No, he wouldn't.

Yes, he would.

How can you say that?

Dick, we can go round and round with
this all day.

The point is, do more of these
promotional -type events, and we'll be

attract the big names to Vermont today.
Not sleeping pills like that writer

we've got Sunday.

Gabriella Pudney?

Who? Exactly.

Michael, can't you get me out of this
contest?

It'd be a lot easier if they'd ask for
you in the first place, Dick, but you

sort of volunteer.

Well, all right, as long as I'm getting
what I wanted.

Michael, I thought I heard your voice.

Tiffany, how are you? I'm okay now, but
I had marmalade touching my eyes. Oh, I

hate that. I hate it. I hate it.

Harley?

Harley Esten?

Hello, Joanna.

Hi, Beaver brother.

Hello, Harley.

Haven't seen you at the Beaver Lodge.

You know, I didn't want to run the risk
of over -beavering.

You don't have to tell me.

I almost didn't recognize you, Harley.
You look really handsome in that suit.

Well, then I've been handsome for three
days now.

How's the job hunting going? Pretty
good. I got one.

Congratulations. When do you start?

Well, I'm sort of doing it right now.

Exactly what is it you're doing, Harley?

Oh, I've got something for you, and it's
got your name on it.

Honey, isn't that cute? He's got a
little sales pitch and everything.

Here it is.

This does have my name on it. Yeah, it's
a subpoena.

What?

I'm being sued.

For what?

I'll tell you as soon as I find out.

What is it, Harley?

Well, I'm supposed to sell tickets to
the Bieber picnic.

And I figured, well, two birds with one
stone, you know.

Every year, as you know, the beavers...
Go home.

Okay.

I don't believe this. I'm being sued for
plagiarism. What?

I found out what thesaurus means.

What's transpiring here if I'm not being
too much of a thesaurus?

Someone's accusing Dick of plagiarism.

Be right back.

I stole how to seal, grout, and plumb
your way to a dream bathroom. Well,

absurd. Don't get excited. This happens
to writers all the time. Probably just

some poor, pathetic misguided... They're
suing for half a million dollars.

Blood -sucking leech.

Nelson, I never heard of this guy. I
never read his book.

I mean, I thought of this myself. I
typed it myself. I'm innocent.

Dick, this is all very useful.

A lawyer... loves to see this kind of
conviction in the client.

If I were in your shoes, facing what
you're facing, I'd be a quivering mass

nerves.

You would.

See, that's what I hate about this.

You're a perfectly nice, innocent man.

And this farmer, Whitley McVeigh, comes
along.

He hasn't written anything in his life.
He's got no case whatsoever.

But because he's finished with his
plowing, He slaps a lawsuit on you. It

galls me, Dick. I love your conviction.

The man is a nuisance, a nobody, a
nothing.

A blood -sucking leech, right?

Doesn't deserve to share the same planet
with you.

And the only way to handle a guy like
this, Dick, is to settle.

Dick, settling is the only way to go.

But I'm innocent.

You're coming at this with a layman's
point of view. You're obviously

innocent with not guilty.

I guess they're light years apart.

Welcome to my world, Dick.

See, what you have here is a large
window of vulnerability.

And I don't want that.

See, if we go to court on this, you
stand to lose everything you own and

everything you love.

If we settle, we'll make them sorry they
ever started up with us.

Dick, Dick, I hate it too.

I mean, seriously, sometimes I don't
know why I stay in this profession.

It's probably the money.

I don't want to settle. I want to fight
it. I want to be vindicated. And I want

to send Whitley McVeigh to the gas
chamber.

Dick, sit down, please.

Now, we have two options here.

The first option is we settle.

Now, I once got a request for half a
million dollars knocked down to $3 ,500.

Turns out all the guy wanted was a
speedboat.

Could happen here.

The other option.

The one that you spoke so eloquently
for.

We go to court.

Your name is dragged through the mud.

We could end up paying the half million.

You're branded for life and you never
get published again.

Now, Dick, I'm flexible on this.

Which one sounds good to you?

Well, how's it going?

I don't know. Nelson's making some phone
calls.

We're going to settle.

What? Dick, you're innocent.

I know, but apparently I'm not not
guilty.

What are you talking about? I thought
this McVeigh guy doesn't have a case.

He doesn't, but it seems I have this big
vulnerable window.

Honey, trust me. Going to court is the
last thing we want to do.

Dick!

They won't settle.

We go to court.

Dick?

Dick, have you seen this?

No.

Dick Loudon sued for plagiarism.

When did they start using red ink?

Actually, honey, the story itself is
pretty impartial.

and continued on page 60 thief.

Well, that's the last time I take my
lips to Peterson's drugs and stuff.

What?

I was buying lip liner this morning, and
the pharmacist was telling everybody

that he's not surprised you're a
plagiarist because he once saw you

roll of Lifesavers.

Ernie said that? Can you believe that
guy?

I mean, for two years I've been shopping
there. We exchange Christmas cards.

And never in all that time have I once
mentioned the fact that he has a nose

could open cans with.

I stood up for you, Dick. I told him you
were innocent and he was petty and his

selection of lip liners was a major
disappointment and I stormed out.

Sounds like you really chopped him off
at the knees.

Hi there. Hi, Michael.

Stephanie, you look beautiful this
morning. Except for my lips.

Oh, yes.

They're unlined.

Remember that pie judging contest you
were so dead set against?

Yeah. Pulled some strings.

Got you out of it.

Oh, and that writer you were iffy on,
Gabriella Pudney?

86. Michael, what's going on here?

Nothing, just trying to keep you happy,
Ted.

What if I told you that I wanted to
judge the pie contest and I demand to

interview Gabriella Pudney?

Well, you couldn't get the pie contest
now if you begged.

And Gabriella canceled.

She said she was afraid you might loot
and pillage her life's work.

Articulate gal would have made a fine
guest.

Who is doing the show? Actually, Dick,
not you.

What? You mean Dick is fired? He's not
exactly fired, Joanna. More like on

leave. In the army, people clamor for
that.

Rico, why is Dick off the show?

Well, some of the guys at the station,
not me, feel that a television host has

to be welcome in their living rooms. And
Dick won't be if they're afraid he

might... Steal an ashtray. Dick has
never stolen anything in his life.

This whole thing really stinks.

Joanna, please.

Michael, this whole thing stinks.

Michael, I am seeing a side of you that
up until now I've managed to ignore.

But if the man I love can't support my
good friend, then I'm just upset.

Stephanie. I need some time to think.

Don't call me.

Don't try to see me.

And if you think you can get to me by
sending me gifts, I guess I can't stop

you.

Good turnout.

Well, here comes the opposition now.

That's Whitman, okay?

Uh -huh.

I can give him a piece of my mind. No.

Bad form.

Look, the reason you hired me is because
you don't know your way around the

courtroom. I do.

And you don't have to do anything here
without my say -so.

I am your only friend.

You got that?

Got it.

Hey, Ali.

Thanks for the opera tickets.

They were just great seats.

Glad you could use them.

Do you want to ask him to sit with us?

Hi,

my name is Corky.

Hi, Corky.

I love you very much and I'd like to go
home with you and I'd like to bring my

friend Michael because he's a swell guy.

Would you please read the letter that
was sent to you by Mr. Loudon's

Dear Mr.

McVeigh.

Dear? Ha!

Thank you for submitting bathroom repair
for our consideration.

Unfortunately, it does not... It does
not meet our needs at the present time.

Well, you know what this is.

It's just another fancy pants way of
saying tough darts, farmer.

Mr. McVeigh, tell us. When did you find
out about Mr. Loudon's dream bathroom

book? It was about three months ago.

I went into the hardware store and I saw
this book with a funny looking guy on

the back cover.

It was him.

Objection to the characterization of my
client as funny looking.

Sustained.

And then what happened? I bought the
book.

It was the same topic as mine. Had same
number of chapters, same publisher, same

everything. Well, about a week later, it
hit me.

He stole my book.

Objection. Sustained.

You're a witness.

Thank you.

Mr. McVeigh.

Don't you think that a half million
dollars is an exorbitant amount of

Exorbitant?

Excessive, beyond reason.

Mr. Utley, let me ask you. Why does Mr.

Loudon require the services of a
handyman?

To do stuff around the inn.

But Mr. Loudon is a how -to expert,
isn't he?

Why doesn't he... do stuff around the
end himself.

Well, I never thought about that. I
guess maybe it's because Dick isn't real

handy.

Oh, he isn't? No, he does keep saying
those who can do and those who

can't write books telling people who do
how to do the things they do do.

I believe that expression is borrowed
from George Bernard Shaw's He Who Can

Does. He who cannot teaches.

Now wait, I think that Shaw guy must
have got that from Dick, because that

Dick Loudon written all over it.

Thank you, Mr. Utley.

Mr. Loudon, I'd like to read a little to
you, if that's all right.

Sure.

You have Treasure Island?

No, but you should still find it
interesting if I'm reading from your

To change the faucet handles, simply
remove both screws.

Do you remember writing that?

Well, it's not my best stuff, but... How
about, you should choose the shower

head that's right for you.

Guilty.

And I have one more.

Clean the tile carefully with a damp
cloth.

That sure sounds like me again.

Your Honor.

Let the record show that the passages
that I have just read aloud, which Mr.

Loudon identified as his own, are from
pages 6, 14, and 29

of Bathroom Repair, written by Mr.

Whitley McVeigh.

Oh, no!

No for the question.

Redirect, Your Honor.

Dick, I'm, uh...

Taking a new tack. Stay with me on this.

Mr. Loudon.

If you wanted to remove the faucet
handles in the bathroom, what's the

thing you would do?

Remove the two screws.

And if you wanted to advise someone
on... buying

a new shower head, would you recommend
that he pick one out that was, say,

for him?

Not generally.

Most people are happier with, say, one
that's right for them.

And what's the best way to clean tile?

Send it out to the dry cleaner?

Or you could run it through a car wash.

Actually, the best way is to wipe it
with a wet cloth. So when you and Mr.

McVeigh were writing these things, you
were simply reporting the facts with a

capital F.

What you're really saying is anyone
could have written that book.

Your Honor,

I ask you.

How can Mr.

Loudon have stolen material which he
himself admits could have been written

any fool?

Nelson. By a child of six. By a monkey
with a typewriter.

By a child with a monkey with a
typewriter.

By Mr.

Whitley McVeigh. By Dick Loudon. What
difference does it make?

Objection.

You're objecting to your own attorney?

Well, they certainly aren't going to
object.

Your Honor, may I speak?

You may.

Of course, how -to books on the same
subject have similar passages. But, I

how many different ways are there to,
say, remove the two screws?

Remove one screw, then the other.

Remove both screws.

See those screws?

Take them out.

What's the difference? I'll tell you
what the difference is.

May I please have exhibit A and B,
please?

Please.

I would like to read from Bathroom
Repair by Whitley McVeigh. This is the

chapter of his book.

Anyone who has a bathroom knows that it
needs fixing.

This book will help you fix it.

But you'll need tools, too.

Competent, I grant you.

Now I would like to read the first
paragraph in my book.

Imagine colors.

Smooth and restful.

An oasis of shimmering water, deep and
cool.

Plants of luscious green with bursting
flowers.

Mirrors bouncing images with magician's
quickness before your eyes.

These words only begin to suggest what
could be your dream bathroom.

And these words.

Are my words.

That's lovely.

Thank you, Mr. Loudon. I think we can
dispense with the closing arguments.

I am prepared to rule.

In my opinion, Mr. Loudon's writing is
unique.

Clawing.

But unique.

But none of his book was derived from
Mr. McRae's manuscript.

I find for the defendant.

Vote adjourned.

Well, Dick, we sure showed them.

Marlene, you busy for dinner?

Oh, honey.

Oh, I always knew you'd win.

Congratulations. Yeah, they declared the
book mine and bad.

I just hope that Shaw guy doesn't hear
about this. We could be back here in a

week.

Dick, I'm awfully glad things turned out
this way. I always knew they would.

In view of this verdict, I'm officially
authorized to invite you back into the

Vermont Today family.

I hope we can let bygones be bygones.

Michael, I don't know you.

Behave rather badly. I really... Come
on, Dick.

All right, I forgive you.

Well,

should we go home?

No, I've got a better idea.

Let's get out of the hardware store and
see if they got any of your books.

I still say you stole my book.

Tough darts, Farmer.

Meow.