Original subtitles

Dick, I think this Sunday's guest can be summed up in two words.

Josh Wickett.

The man is fascinating. He claims to have preserved a large soap bubble

for 16 years.

Michael, you've done it to me again. You promised me interesting guests, and

then you bring me this bubble guy.

What happened to the Congressional Medal of Honor?

Depressing, Dick. One war story after another.

I swear, when the man lost his platoon, he must have lost his sense of humor.

Well, hi.

Hi, Dick.

If you've got a minute, there's something I'd like to ask you. Sure. You

know Michael Harris? Hello. Uh -huh. Yeah.

What is it? Well, Dick, as everyone knows, duck season opens Friday, and

year, Jim and Chester and I go hunting.

It's a big event, Dick.

Jim and I haven't missed opening day in 36 years. Yeah, it's like a tradition

with us, and it's a lot of fun. Which brings us to the question. George, I

I know what the question is, and may I say that I'm touched.

I always wanted to go duck hunting, but my mother would never let me. She'd

always say, Dick, you're going to blow a finger off.

Going duck hunting with you guys would be like a childhood dream come true.

Dick, what I wanted to ask was if I could have Friday off.

Well, just a second.

It sounds like Dick would like to come along with us.

Does he know how to hunt? Do you care if he blows a finger off?

Dick, we'd be honored to have you come hunting with us.

Well, thanks. That means a lot to me.

Not as much as it meant a moment ago, but it means a lot to us.

Wait a minute.

Light bulb.

I've just come up with a fantastic idea for a new TV show. You'll be the

celebrity host.

Each week we'll have a different celebrity guest stalk a celebrity

It's a sure winner. Nothing like it's ever been seen on television before.

What about American Sportsman? That's what we'll call it.

I don't want to do it. Why not?

Michael, I'm sure you want to understand this, but opening day is like a...

A Norman Rockwell painting. I mean, it's special. You know, it's the air and

nature and men in groups and hats.

You know, it's sacred. And I, for one, can't believe that you would want to

intrude upon something like that with TV cameras. Right, guys?

I think it sounds kind of fun.

Yeah, we've never been on TV before.

Your cooperation will really be appreciated in this, men.

And just to show you how much, the station is going to cater to the whole

affair. Hey, hey, hey, free eats.

Hello, Stephanie. What's going on?

Joanna was just helping me clean the fireplace.

Oh.

Well, she's never cleaned a fireplace before, and she didn't know how to do

I'd say she found a way.

Stephanie, I think you can take over from here.

Really?

Um, Joanna, do you think that I could do it later? I'd die of embarrassment if

anybody saw me like that.

Goodbye. See you Friday.

And Dick, don't have duck for breakfast.

They do that joke every year.

It's still funny.

You know what, Dick?

I'm going to make that dream of yours come true. You're going to have the best

doggone first day of hunting a fella ever had.

Hunting?

Yeah, George and Jim and Chester invited me to go duck hunting with them. With

guns?

Well, we could save time and try to catch them in roasting pans.

Dick, you could blow a finger off.

Honey, I'm going to be with three experienced hunters. I mean, look at

George has been hunting since he was a little boy, and he's never blown a

off. Right, George?

Not one of my own, no.

You see, Dick?

Thank goodness you're not going.

Actually, I am.

Someone's got to film the hunt.

But, Michael, aren't they going on Friday?

Yes.

But Friday is the night of the Kappa Kappa Gamma Alumni Ball.

Yes.

And you promised you'd take me.

And there's nothing I'd rather do, Cupcake.

This duck thing came up.

But, Turtledove, this ball only comes once a year.

Why don't you shoot your stupid duck some other day?

Would that I could, Muffin.

I... I can't break my promise to these men.

But you're breaking your promise to me.

Well, now you're getting rational, and that's not an attractive quality I want.

And when you get like this, I don't want to go to a dance with you.

Are you trying to say that this is all my fault?

Well, if the Jordache fits.

Think about it.

Think about this.

Wow,

talk about a lack of amenities.

Is there something different about your boots?

They're shined.

You haven't shined those boots in 26 years.

Yeah, and it was beginning to show.

Do you need any help, Dick?

No, I got it.

Okay.

I'm rolling. Now just pretend I'm not even here. The catch word for the day is

realism.

Dick, could you go back and make that entrance again?

I didn't quite get it.

And it would help scads if you would say this.

In all my days of hunting, I've never seen such a beautiful day as this.

I'm not going to say it, Michael. It's dishonest.

I'll say it.

No, thanks.

You're acting awfully funny.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you up to, Jim Dixon? Nothing.

Tie?

You're wearing a tie.

I hardly slept last night. I was so excited.

I just kept thinking, today is the day I get to teach my friend Dick how to

hunt. I didn't get much sleep either, mainly because Joanna kept muttering,

you're going to blow a finger off.

Okay, could you tell our viewers now, how long have you been hunting?

Since we were 13.

I've been hunting since I was four.

When the two of us were 13, I said, I've been hunting for nine years. Want to

come along?

And could you tell us how duck hunting differs from, say, bear hunting?

Well, bears can't fly.

Would you let me finish?

As I was saying, there's really no comparison.

First of all, hunting bears can be dangerous. Duck hunting isn't. A duck

to kill me once.

What? Ducks don't attack people.

I think this one was a rogue.

When you spot a duck off in the distance, you use this.

A duck call. Excellent.

You use it to attract his attention and to lure him towards you. There.

There's one out there now. Do you see it? Yeah.

Watch this.

There's not much you can do with those deaf ones.

I think I get the picture, George. I think we can go as far as loading the

Now you're talking. Where's the ammo?

In the boat next to your tuxedo, Mr.

Show Business.

Uh, fellas?

Where's the boat?

The boat floated away.

Well, how could that happen? Maybe one of those rogue ducks took it.

Somebody must have forgot to tie it up. Who?

It doesn't matter who.

It isn't going to do anybody any good to start blaming each other. What we

should be thinking about is how we're going to get out of here. I mean, it's

going to be dark soon, the temperature is falling, and we don't have any

shelter.

Or who was the bonehead who forgot to tie up the boat?

Michael was first out. First out always ties off.

News to me.

Someone could have said something.

I said it. I said, Michael, tie off the boat.

Oh, that wasn't just idle chatter?

Let's not argue. There's still some light left. I'm sure someone will find

That kind of hurts my feelings, Dick.

What? I built this blind myself.

Nobody's supposed to see you in it.

I'm sorry, George. That was...

That was thoughtless. Probably nobody will see us and we'll be stuck here all

night and we'll freeze to death.

So you're saying it's kind of a mixed blessing.

Why don't we start a signal fire? Is there anything around here we can burn?

How about the guy who forgot to tie off the boat?

That would be Michael. Guys, bear in mind, I'm the fellow who remembered to

bring the food.

Nourishment that will give us a fighting chance against the cold.

There's nothing in here but a lot of wine.

French.

Oh, great. When they find our bodies, they'll say we had great taste.

Where's the food?

Well, that would be in the boat.

Thank you very much, officer.

I will.

Goodbye.

What did they say? They're sending over a special team that rescues people lost

in the swamp.

And what did you say? I said, good.

Stephanie, I'm so worried. Dick isn't accustomed to the wild. What about

Michael? He's not even accustomed to wearing flannel.

What if we never see them again? How could I live with it knowing my last

to Dick were, if everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?

You know...

All this worrying just makes me realize how much I care for Michael.

I mean, sure, he has his faults, but now that he's in trouble, I just wish I

could be with him to hold him and comfort him.

Not in a swamp, of course.

Maybe in Rio.

Thanks.

Nice crystal.

Level with me, Dick.

Why is it everyone is always on my case? I mean, first this party thing with

Stephanie, and now the guys with this life and death business.

Well, maybe it's because it's your fault. I mean, did you ever think of

No.

Take this fight with Stephanie. Was I wrong?

Well, I've only heard her side of it, but she said that she was looking

to this party, and then you broke the date at the last minute, but I'd be glad

to listen to your side.

That is my son.

Well, then you were wrong to break the date. Well, Dick, I had to do it. You

wanted to do this duck hunting show.

No, you wanted to do the duck hunting show.

That's your problem. You won't take responsibility for things you do. I

just once, I would like to hear you say, it's all my fault. Well, Dick, just

show me something that's my fault.

The thing with Stephanie.

The bubble guy you tried to stick me with.

The fact that you didn't tie off the boat, and we're all going to die here.

Dick, it's a poor workman that blames his tools.

Good, maybe that's the rescue team.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl.

This is my other brother, Daryl.

Hi, Larry. Did you happen to see a police search team out there?

Uh -huh.

We're it.

Oh, my God.

Evening, Miss Stephanie.

You're looking particularly radiant tonight.

Well, I can't think about that right now. The man I love may be freezing to

death in some godforsaken swamp.

May I say it agrees with you?

Larry! Larry, could you please hurry?

Ma 'am.

Don't worry.

Alive or dead, we'll bring them back.

Borrowed a bloodhound and everything.

Oh, by the way, would you mind if we borrowed an article of your husband's

clothing for the dog? Oh, certainly not. Here, take this coat.

Thanks.

This ought to keep old Rocket warm, huh?

I didn't want to die this way.

Is anybody else?

As tired as I am.

Well, I'm going to kiss them, shall I?

I wonder what the end will be like.

I read somewhere that freezing to death feels exactly like falling asleep.

Okay, everybody, up calisthenics.

Who died and made you king?

This is for our own good. We have to keep moving.

Michael?

You keep doing that.

Okay, let's begin.

One.

Two.

Stop hitting me. Stop picking up so much room.

Oh,

you're impossible.

You've always been impossible.

Ever since... Oh, no, you're not going to bring that up again. Not here.

Ever since the sixth grade. Don't. I warn you. And you ruined my scout knife.

I did not. Yes, you did. I lent it to you. I said use it on anything.

Use it on diamonds.

Smash it on a rock. Anything.

Just don't use it to open a coconut.

And what's the first thing you do? Open a coconut. You ruined it. All right. I

did it.

And you know what? I had to go 16 miles to find that coconut.

And you know why?

Because you were always a whiny -faced little thing and you made me sick.

Listen, blimp -o!

Let it out. You're acting like Phoenix. He started it. Did not. He started it.

It doesn't matter whose fault it was.

It's my fault.

I admit it. You're right, Dick. It's all my fault.

What is?

Everything. I forgot to tie off the boat. I forgot the food.

I broke my date with Stephanie.

I stuck you with the bubble guy.

I'm to blame for everything.

Michael, it's partially my fault.

I mean, the thing with Stephanie was your fault.

And, uh...

The bubble guy was certainly your... But you're talking about the fact that

we're all going to die here.

That's partly my fault.

How?

Well, you're my producer.

And if I hadn't agreed to do this...

Stupid show, you wouldn't even be.

And if Chester and I hadn't wanted to be on TV so much, you wouldn't have been

here.

I'm probably most to blame.

If I hadn't rode you out here, you definitely wouldn't be here.

I don't deserve to live.

You guys...

are trying to make me feel better, right?

Uh -huh. Yep.

You guys are the best damn friends a fella ever had.

Too bad in a couple hours we're all going to be lifeless wads.

Whoa.

We don't walk through.

Regret will be that I didn't make this a great trip for you.

And that I rode Michael out here.

How about you, Dick? Any regrets?

Regrets?

I don't know.

Well,

come on, Dick. There must be something.

What's the first thing that crosses your mind?

That's... Oh, no.

or something.

Well, there's just this silly thing that I always wanted to do more than

anything else in my whole entire life.

Don't be shy, Dick. Tell us. Yeah, we want to know.

I, uh... I always wanted to play... Professor Harold, come to the museum.

I always wanted to play Professor Harold Hill in the musical.

And I never did.

Well,

I always done pretty good.

Do it.

What? Yeah, do it. There's no time like the present.

There may be no time but the present.

Here in the tuck of life?

Yeah, don't...

Die with regrets, Dick.

I guess I can do a little of that.

Yeah.

Well, you've got trouble, my friend.

Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City.

Why, sure, I'm a billiard player.

It's really mighty proud to say it.

I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider the hours I spend with a cue in

hand are golden.

Help me cut it up a first. And a cool head. And a keen eye.

Do you ever take and try to give an ironclad lead to yourself from a three

billiard shot?

Have you ever upstaged anybody?

But it's my part. I played that part in community theater. 84 times. His dream,

I'm going to have to kill you. No, no, no.

Terrible. We all saw it. That's it.

I'm swimming.

Pat. I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl. We're singing.

We're singing.

We're going to get out of here.

How did you guys find it? We heard singing.

Daryl loves dinner theater, so we came this way.

I knew that voice of yours would come in handy sometime.

A natural foghorn.

Now, about that knife. If it makes you feel any better, that coconut gave me a

stomachache. Ah, Jim, I've been waiting a lifetime to hear that.

Nice number, Jim.

Here, uh, Daryl, could you get a hold of this? Here.

Just for the record, Dick, this was not a typical opening day.

Thanks, George.

No, really.

It was nothing but trouble. With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and

stands for fool.

George?

Get in the boat.

Meow.