Original subtitles

me in here for a minute?

Well, I was busy, but that's okay.

What do you want?

I have something for you. What?

Your first paycheck.

Oh, boy, fantastic.

Oh, your nails are still wet. Do you want me to open it for you? No, no,

okay.

$437.

Well, I guess it'll be good for me to try to get by on this every week.

Stephanie, That's not a weekly check. That's a monthly check.

$437 a month? Well, that's after taxes.

And, of course, we pay for your room and all your meals, so that $437 is just

free and clear to do anything you want.

Yeah.

Just trying to think what that could be.

Joanna? Yes, George? Did you order something from a sporting goods store?

Oh, great. Is it here? Yeah. What did you order? A surprise for Dick.

Oh, neat.

Is it?

Yeah. Here, I'll take this.

Just put it down over there, will you? And let me give you something for your

trouble. Oh, that won't be necessary.

George, I meant this gentleman.

Do you want me to get dead? Would you? Oh, I hope he likes it. Yeah, me too.

Here, let's scan in front of it so he won't see it when he first comes out.

Surprise!

Oh, wow.

Do you know what it is?

Most of a bike.

It's an exercise bike. I saw it in the store and I thought it would be perfect

for your study.

You can use it when you take a break from writing.

You don't like it, do you? No, no. Sure I do. It'll be perfect in the study.

Even if I'm not exercising on it, I'll still get a lot of exercise trying to

walk around it.

Hey, whose exercise bike?

Uh, mine.

Boy, Marjorie and I had one of these. We were going to tone up and firm up.

And then, of course, we broke up.

Get on it. See how... Oh, it worked. Yeah, honey, come on. Oh, okay.

Boy, oh boy, that's, uh... It

really gets the old blood flowing, doesn't it?

I don't understand. Why didn't you just get a whole bike?

Well, you can only ride a bike when the weather's nice.

You can ride this 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Isn't that great?

Oh, what a great exercise bike.

Yours? Yeah, you'll never use it. He will, too.

You bought it, right? Oh, what do you want, Kurt? Okay, listen up, everybody.

have an announcement to make.

I'm starting a singles club.

Really? Yeah, right here at the inn.

What are you talking about? You're not having a singles club here. Why not?

You let the Rotary Club meet here and the Junior Chamber of Commerce.

That is true, honey.

Well, I mean, they're hardly the same thing. I mean, I know him. When he says

singles club, he means mud wrestling.

I think a singles club is a great idea. It could help all of us.

Not me.

Maybe not you, but what about the rest of us? I'm single. George is single.

Stephanie is single. Ed's marriage is guano.

I'd like to meet some new people. You know, it's really not a bad thought.

Kirk, why is it whenever you come up with an idea, you always come over here

dump it on me?

Because you're my best friend?

I don't want to be your best friend.

Why are you always so reluctant to help me?

You know, speaking from personal experience, it is hard to meet people in

town. Yeah. A group like Kirk is talking about would sure make it easier.

Yeah. Well, I guess if you feel that strongly about it, we can try it once.

Great!

See, it's not so hard to give, is it, Dick?

Okay, we'll have our first meeting Friday night, 7 o 'clock in the dining

Oh, Friday night? I can't. I have a date.

I thought you were having trouble getting dates. Not in the evenings.

Where's Kirk?

Is he in with the group?

No, and the meeting was supposed to start 20 minutes ago. What are they

Nothing. They're just standing around like a bunch of penguins staring at each

other.

I'm going to call them.

Hi, Gus.

Where have you been?

This is the first meeting of my singles club. Hey, I'm the host.

This is potentially a very important night for me.

I was gargling.

Those people have been in there for half an hour. Why are you so mad at me?

Because this evening is turning out exactly the way I knew it would.

You said it was going to be dignified. You show up late and then you have

somebody paint that stupid sign.

I didn't have anyone make that sign. I took it out of the window of my car.

Oh, hi.

I just came out because some of the singles were wondering if there's going

be anything to eat or drink.

Of course.

There'll be plenty for everyone.

Oh, good.

What have you got to eat or drink?

I don't know. I'll have to go look in the kitchen and see.

We're going to charge you for everything you use.

Don't you ever get tired of being angry, Dick?

Start your meeting.

Just think.

The woman of my dreams may be on the other side of this door.

Good. Then the two of you can split the cost of this.

I know these people.

Kirk, there's nothing wrong with anybody in this room. What were you expecting?

A bunch of beauty contest winners?

I have to be honest. That's what I was hoping for.

Look, exciting or not, these are decent, normal people.

There's not a nickel's worth of difference between you and anybody in

Excuse me.

Do we have the right night for the single social club?

How's it going?

Pretty good for fall.

How did you hear about tonight?

Barbershop?

Just out of curiosity, what were you doing at the barbershop?

Daryl here was getting a shave. They do real nice work, too.

Show them, Daryl.

Why don't you guys have a seat?

The meeting is going to start any minute, isn't it, Kirk?

I'll never forgive you for making me go through with this. Look, this is your

idea, not mine. Now go up there and start the meeting.

Where are you going? I'm going in the kitchen to add up your tab.

By the way, did everyone fill out a little card with his or her name and

so we can keep you informed of all of our club activities?

Okay, good.

I'm very eager to get to know each and every one of you, and I know at future

meetings we're all going to become very good friends. And with that in mind, I

think we'll adjourn for now.

Please leave your cards at the door as you go out so we can get in touch with

you.

Excuse me.

By some giant stroke of luck, are you here for the singles club?

Yes, I am.

Get in your seats. The meeting's back on.

I think the first order of business should be introductions.

Hi, I'm Kirk.

Hi.

And you're?

Iris. Iris.

Iris. That's my favorite name.

And my favorite part of the eye.

By the way, you have beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Kurt.

Huh? Do you want the rest of us to introduce ourselves?

Sure, do what you want.

So, have I seen you around town before?

Actually, I just moved here.

Well, uh, I guess I'll start.

What brought you to the boonies?

I'm an artist. I just wanted to live someplace more serene.

I guess I'm mixed. I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl.

And this is my other brother, Daryl.

through a divorce and just kind of auditing.

I'm Iris Beecham and I'm new in town.

And I'm looking forward to getting to know as many people as I can.

Oh, now that's what I call an introduction.

So what do you say? Is it you and me?

I didn't come here to get picked up. I'm not trying to pick you up.

Can't you see I've fallen in love with you?

We've become so jaded in this day and age, we can't profess our feelings.

I just want to know when I can see you again.

You can see me at the next meeting.

Okay.

Can I have your attention, please?

I'm sure at this point we're all asking ourselves the same question.

When can we do this again?

How's tomorrow night for everyone?

Okay, well, until then, let's adjourn.

Oh, and people, let's have a theme for tomorrow, shall we?

Let's all show up looking as good as we can.

This is what I'm talking about.

Hi. Hi, where are you going? We went to open a checking account for Stephanie

with her first paycheck, but kind of got sidetracked along the way.

How many did you hit?

Just one.

What have you been doing?

Working. I'm just taking a break.

Oh.

I thought maybe you'd be taking a break on your new exercise bike.

No, I thought about it, but, you know, these are kind of nice clothes. I didn't

want to get them all sweaty.

You won't be able to use that excuse for long.

What are you talking about?

Joanna bought you sweat.

Now you don't have to worry about your nice clothes.

I was... Is there no end to your thoughtfulness?

Hi, guys.

Kirk, where are you going?

I've got to get ready for my singles club meeting.

That was last night. Tonight, too.

Hold it.

What? You didn't say anything to us about this, Kirk. We've got people

over for dinner.

Not in the dining room, you don't.

It's our dining room.

Well, what am I supposed to do if I have a dozen people coming over for a

meeting? Cancel it.

Look, you don't understand.

I met someone last night who I fell deeply in love with.

Well, then have it at her dining room.

Really, Kirk?

You're in love?

Yes. What's her name? What's she like?

Well, her name is Iris.

She's gorgeous, long hair, hazel eyes, great skin.

That's what she looks like. What's she like? I have no idea.

Then you're basing all this on how she looks.

She looks great.

Kirk, when are you going to learn there's more to love than looks? When

are no more great -looking women?

Kirk, believe me, I am the last person in the world to diminish the importance

of physical beauty.

I mean... But I think what

Dick is trying to say is that there are other things about a person that are

more important.

Exactly. Like what?

Like what?

Personality, character, depth.

I can't love someone who isn't attractive.

Attractive people are confident. They love life because life loves them.

Ugly people are depressed and neurotic. They hate life because life has no time

for them.

It's too busy loving attractive people.

It's not my fault. This is the way the universe works.

I'll give you 50 bucks if you eat in the kitchen.

No. Honey, uh...

What if we let them meet out here in the lobby?

Why are you doing this for him? I'm not.

I'm doing it for the other people in the club who are not necessarily depressed

and neurotic.

You've seen them, haven't you?

All right, you meet in the lobby, but this is the last time you meet in the

ever, and you bring your own food.

Thank you, Joanna.

When Iris and I get married, I promise we'll go away, and Dick won't ever have

to be kind to anyone again.

I won't be able to be here because it's Saturday night, so obviously I have a

date. But as your friend, I want you to know that I really hope everything works

out just the way you want it to between you and Irene.

Iris.

Whatever.

Well,

you did it.

Did what, George?

This club, it's great. I even met somebody.

Who?

Dave, over there.

George, the club is for meeting women.

Well, I'm not too crazy about the women that showed up, so Dave and I are just

going to go fishing together.

Eden.

Hi, Larry. Hi.

Slim Pickens.

Of course, even if the pickings was good, there's no getting a girl with

around.

I guess even when you get older, the guys still end up hanging out together.

When did you make these?

This afternoon.

Why? They're cold.

Shouldn't we try to do something to keep them warm?

Why don't you put your coat over them?

Excuse me.

My woman's here.

Hi. I was afraid you weren't coming.

I was painting.

The important thing is you're here now.

Mind if I cut in?

We just started.

Why don't you try the next dance?

Okay. Sorry.

Okay, single.

We're here to meet new people.

Let's change partners.

Shall we?

Would you mind if we have just one dance?

Oh, sure.

My mistake.

Would you like to dance?

Artificial leg.

What's the deal here? I mean, this is supposed to be a mixer. Let's mix.

I'm sorry, would you excuse us for just a second?

What is the matter with you? Can I help it if you're the only one here I want to

be with? You're very rude.

All right, I'm a little pushy, okay.

But look around the room and ask yourself, which two people have the best

at good -looking children?

You're all so arrogant. I'm sorry, I'm attracted to you.

Well, I'm not attracted to you.

Look, I don't like pushy, I don't like rude, and I don't like arrogant.

All right.

I deserve that.

But I think you should know I'm really not like this.

I'm usually a very sensitive person.

I guess I've been acting this way because, well, I'm insecure.

I guess I was pushy because I was excited about meeting you, and I was

because I wanted you so much. And what sounded like arrogance was really just a

man who knows what he's looking for and thinks he may have found it.

I guess what I really don't like is a guy who thinks he can make it with me by

spilling his guts.

Maybe you'd like to go fishing with me and Dave.

Can I talk to you?

What? Talk, you know, talky, talk, talk, talk.

We're having dinner.

Well, I'm having a crisis.

Which one do we put off?

I'm sorry, I'm Kirk.

We're sorry, too.

Clifford Murphy, this is my wife, Peg.

Hello. Nice meeting you.

Kirk is in charge of the singles club that's meeting in the lobby.

Oh, yes. When we came in, someone asked us if we wanted to join.

Yeah, single people are stupid.

Dick? Kitchen?

Kurt, I'm not going off. We're entertaining our guests.

Oh, don't mind us.

Look, you don't understand. She rejected me. Who did?

Iris. I came on too strong. I blew it.

Now she's out there dancing with another man, and I wish I was dead.

Anyone want more salad?

I'm sure Cliff and Peg are impressed with your compassion.

I loved her.

You loved her looks. I mean, that's the only thing you care about. You followed

Victoria from Montana because you loved her looks.

Then it was Leslie. Now it's Violet. Iris.

Whatever.

Look, I know you don't think I have any feelings, but I poured my heart out to

that girl and she rejected me for it. Kurt, maybe she didn't reject your

Maybe she's just as shallow as you are and she rejected your big nose.

Well, thank you, Dr. Basset Houndface.

Guys, we're having a nice dinner.

I didn't mean to insult him. All I'm trying to say is if you...

You live by the sword, you die by the sword. Is that another nose joke?

Kirk, what I'm trying to say is you can continue with this obsession about looks

or you can get past that and give an ordinary person a chance. Oh, come on.

can't tell me you didn't pick Joanna because of her looks. Not at all.

Thank you.

Honey, I don't mean you don't look great. It's just that that wasn't the

reason I went out with you. And that's certainly not why I went out with Dick.

Are we even now?

Sorry about all this.

Yeah, me too. Look, Kirk, you're going to turn around and leave now. And you're

going to go out in the lobby, and when you do, you're going to have to make two

choices. One is you're going to have to stop and talk to some nice people, or

you're going to go home and be alone and miserable the rest of your life. It is

up to you.

But you are going to leave now.

put this whole thing together.

Those people are out there because I invited them.

I'm their host and I have responsibilities.

The only thing left is for me to go out there and do what I have to do.

Excuse me.

Listen, I, uh...

I lied to you before. I really don't have an artificial leg.

And if you still want to dance with me, I'd be honored.

I'd love to.

This is a nice song.

Yeah.

You're nice yourself.

Could I ask, what do you do for a living?

I represent this district in the United States Congress.