Original subtitles

Dick wants to know if you remember to pack his razor and shaving cream.

Tell him I packed everything.

She did, Dick. He sure is excited.

I know. I don't blame him getting to meet a star like Erica Chase.

I'd like to read her life story even if Dick doesn't get to be the writer.

Really? Yeah.

I read all about her standing in line at the grocery store.

George, I'm sure all that gossip about her love life is highly exaggerated.

You think so?

I hope so.

Anyway, I guess we'll find out in the book.

I just hope Dick gets this assignment. I think it means a lot to him. Well, I'm

sure he will.

Dick's a good guy.

George, they don't give book assignments because you're a good guy. They give

them because you're talented.

Uh -oh.

Joanna, have you seen the tie I was going to wear?

It's in the bedroom.

I can't find it.

Did you look in the closet?

I looked everywhere.

What about on the dresser?

Everywhere. Did you look on the hanger with your sport coat?

Thank you.

You know, I'm probably one of Erica Chase's biggest fans.

Are you, George? Yes. Did you ever see that movie she made about World War III,

where she ended up the last woman on Earth in a bikini?

No. Boy, can she act.

Well, I need my briefcase, and I'm off.

Here it is.

Thank you.

You realize that this will be the first night that we will have spent apart

since we moved to Vermont?

Honey, I asked you if you wanted to come with me, but you said you had too many

things to do.

I know.

It's just that you're going off to New York to have an interview with a movie

star, and I'm, you know... Trying to make me feel guilty.

Yeah.

Well, if it's any consolation, I do.

Good. Then have a wonderful time.

And you have the number where you can reach me in case anything comes up. I

would never bother you unless it was an absolute emergency.

Dick, do you think you could get Erica Chase to autograph a picture for me?

I'll try to.

George, this is a picture of you.

I know. I don't have a picture of her, Dick.

I'll see what I can do.

You'll call me as soon as you know anything. I promise. And good luck.

you. I'll miss you. I know.

I miss you, too.

Do you really think you'll get it? I really do, George.

Dick's a very fine writer.

No, I meant the picture.

I'm sure he'll do his best.

Well, I guess you're in charge of the inn now that Dick is gone.

George, I'm in charge of the inn when Dick is here.

You are?

Who do you think checks in the guests and keeps the books and pays you your

salary? Well, I know you do all that. I just always thought after you did it,

you went and told Dick.

Excuse me.

Could somebody give me a hand with this?

Hey, Stephanie!

Joanna, guess who's here?

Stephanie! Yes!

We remember!

Well, of course we remember. How are you?

Fine.

I hope you don't mind my showing up like this. I know you weren't expecting me.

Don't be silly. Come on in. Sit down.

Is this all your luggage?

Oh, no. There's more in the car. I'll get it.

Gosh, it's good to see you again.

What brings you up here?

Well, I was talking to Leslie last night, and I just sort of got the urge

everybody again. How is she?

Leslie?

Oh, she's fine.

She called me from, uh... Now, where was it?

England. No, I know it was England. I was trying to remember the town.

Something about shoes.

Oxford. Right.

She's over there.

What did she tell me she was doing over there?

Finishing her education.

That's it?

You'll have to forgive me if I seem a little scattered. My mind hasn't been

functioning too well lately.

Is everything all right? Oh, yeah. I've just been busy.

Really? No, not really.

When I say busy, I mean depressed.

What's the matter?

I ended my marriage with Carl.

Oh, Stephanie, I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, so was Carl.

Can you tell me what happened?

I just made a mistake, that's all.

I mean, Carl was this sweet, wonderful guy, but he just wasn't somebody I could

spend my life with.

And rather than go on living a charade, I decided to end it. When was this?

At the reception.

What?

Oh, of course, I didn't say anything right then.

I stayed married to him the whole weekend, so I wouldn't seem flighty.

Your whole marriage lasted two days?

I know, it sounds short, doesn't it? But believe me, it seemed like a week.

know it's none of my business, but two days?

How could you know that quickly?

I just did, Joanna.

Look, nobody wanted to be married more than I did.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be married.

I was groomed to be married.

I just couldn't be married to Carl.

Unfortunately, my parents don't see it that way. They think the whole problem

that I've had everything too easy all my life. And now that I'm grown up, I

can't face responsibility.

What do you think? I really try not to think about it.

That's okay, George. You can get the rest later.

Oh, thanks.

Stephanie, I don't know what to say. I feel terrible about this.

If it's about the luggage, I can get the rest now.

No, George. George, we're talking about Stephanie's marriage.

It broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, the worst part is that my family thinks it's all their fault for never

making me work for anything. So now they're trying to make up for it.

They say it's time I faced reality.

They say it's time I left home and started trying to support myself.

You mean you have to get a job?

Hey, it's not the end of the world.

It's the end of my world.

That's really why I'm here.

I thought maybe you could help me find something.

Of course. You know we'll help you any way we can.

The problem is, I don't know who's going to hire me.

I mean, I can't do anything.

I don't have any experience.

I don't have an education.

Sometimes I think the only thing I'm good for is looking at.

Though, that's important.

Well, I admit finding a job won't be easy, but it's going to be impossible.

No, it isn't. If worse comes to worse, you could always... Always what? Well, I

was going to say you could always work here.

Seriously? Of course, I'd have to discuss it with Dick. Unfortunately, he

left for New York.

Oh. But that's okay.

I'm sure he'd go along with this. In fact, I know he would, right?

Leslie used to do. You could be a maid.

A maid?

Oh, boy.

I realize it's not something you want to do for the rest of your life, but at

least it's a start.

Oh, listen, I appreciate it.

Congratulations.

Thanks. I had no idea when I came looking for a job that I'd end up here.

Really? Well, maybe a little inkling.

Make yourselves comfortable, gentlemen.

Chase and her manager are running a little late. Be up in just a bit. Thank

If you need anything...

I guess. Did you ever think when you sold that first magazine article that

someday you and I would be standing in Erica Chase's hotel room about to make a

deal for a bestseller?

Not really.

I sure didn't.

I gotta tell you, I'm proud of you.

Elliot, you've given me that speech a hundred times.

Yeah, but this is the first time I've meant it.

I'll get it. You think we should?

It's not our phone. It's probably my office.

just sitting here waiting for Erica?

Sure, hold on.

It's Joanna.

Hi, honey. Is everything all right?

Yeah, I remember our conversation when you said you'd only call me if it was an

absolute emergency.

What's the emergency?

Stephanie, I remember. She married that guy, Carl.

Already, huh?

I don't think I'd do that.

Well, because she's never worked a day in her life.

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Are you calling me to ask my opinion or to tell

you've done it?

Well, in that case, I think it's a bad idea.

You did.

Well, then, good luck.

No, I'm glad you called and we were able to talk it over.

I will as soon as I know anything.

I love you, too.

What's that?

Tell George not yet.

I can't believe all the things that are going on back home.

This girl we know left her husband and Joanna hired her as a maid.

You can't expect life to stand still just because you're not there.

I've been gone an hour and a half.

Joanna. Hi, girl.

Where's Stephanie?

Upstairs. George just went to get her.

Is it true what I've heard? What have you heard? That you've hired her to work

here? Yes. I can't believe it. What?

God's name were you thinking of? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the last time she was here. I'm talking about the night we

spent together.

Kirk, the last time Stephanie was here, she was very mixed up. That is the only

reason that night ever happened.

Well, thank you very much.

Look, you can believe what you want about that night. All I'm saying is

no way I can live next door to her knowing that every time I see her and

sees me, we're going to be reminded of it. So what are you going to do? Spend

the rest of your life hiding in your cafe?

Afraid to come out for fear that she'll catch a glimpse of you?

Yeah.

Joanna!

That's them. Hide me. I will not.

And I'm getting out of here.

And I'm never coming back.

Joanna, we've got a problem.

What is it, George?

Stephanie, what's the matter?

Now I don't know what to do.

Going home just means more than being upset and criticizing me and trying to

me to go back to Carl.

Then again, it's not cleaning toilets.

Gee, Stephanie, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could say.

So do I.

Boy, if I had known life was going to be this hard at my coming out party, I

never would have come out.

get out here.

See, that's what I hate about being in a room when the person isn't there. Will

you calm down? Boy, if you're this nervous now, what are you going to be

when they get here?

I wouldn't be this nervous if you weren't snooping around. Okay, take it

Look, let's go over our gay plan.

Figure out how you're going to act.

All I can be is myself.

You could be better at it.

Look, the main thing is not to make them think that you need the job.

I don't need the job. It wouldn't hurt.

I'm just saying, be aloof.

Be above it all. When Erica Chase and her manager walk in that door, act like

you couldn't care less.

Hi, sorry we're running late.

Sorry. An important guy like him apologizing to nobody like us.

Erica will be up in a second. You must be Dick and Elliot. I'm Elliot.

And you must be Dick.

Hi, John Carson, Erica's manager.

You must take a lot of kidding about the name.

Oh, why's that?

John Carson, Johnny Carson.

What do you got?

You name it.

I'll have a glass of water.

Fine. So, where are you from, Dick?

Here originally, but we live in Vermont now.

Oh, yeah, it's beautiful up there.

I have an aunt or a grandmother.

Somebody lives up there.

I'd like to get back, but time, you know.

Yeah, I guess you could kill pretty close to an hour getting there from

So, have you been interviewing a lot of people?

Not really.

Erica's a little concerned, but I said, Erica, relax.

Your story is so incredible, a monkey could write it.

Dick, the thing we want most is for this story to be a quality piece of work.

Well, great. I feel the same way.

How fast do you think you can get it done?

I don't know. That depends on how much time Erica wants to devote to it.

Don't worry about Dick. He's been grinding them out for years.

I don't grind them out.

I'm sorry, Dick. I didn't mean to make you sound like a hack.

Believe me, when you need it, he'll have it.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late. Oh, my God, it's Erica Chase. Erica, this is Dick Loudon and

Elliot Gimler. How do you do?

Nice to meet you. I'm in awe. Thank you. Please sit down.

For you, Dick.

Are you sure?

Cross my heart.

Take it there.

Oh, um, excuse me.

Hello? Oh, hi. Hi, honey.

Yeah, everyone's here. We're just starting to get acquainted.

He is thrilled at the thought of working with you. Really? I give you my word,

money will not be a problem.

Honey, I know you wouldn't call if it wasn't important.

So what's the problem?

Joanna, if Stephanie doesn't want to stay there, there's nothing you can do

keep her there.

Honey, I really don't have a lot of time to talk about it.

My advice is que sera, sera.

That means let her go, let her go.

Now, I've got to go.

The moment I know something, I promise.

Tell him if he asks one more time.

He's not even getting his own picture back.

I love you, too.

Goodbye.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine. It's just a little thing back home that, for some

reason, is becoming a big thing.

Now, where were we? I was just about to get Eric a drink.

Did John tell you how I happened to ask for you?

Elliot said you read a book of mine. Yes, that's right. Last year, I read...

How to Make a Dog House Your Pet Will Thank You For, and I've got to tell you,

loved it.

It was funny and fresh and just so different from anything else you read.

So when this whole thing came up, I didn't want to go to the usual people. I

said to John, why don't we get that man who wrote the how -to book?

No, thank you.

So John started checking it out to find out who did it, and people said if it's

a how -to book, it's got to be Dick Loudon. And what can I tell you? Here

are.

I didn't write that book.

What? It's not mine. It was Preston Peter's.

Well, isn't that funny?

Yeah. Well, this is very embarrassing. I mean, apparently we have called you

here for nothing.

Wait a minute, Dick. You're a writer, aren't you?

Yeah.

Like, what have you written?

Lots of things, really.

How to build plywood furniture anyone would be proud of.

101 uses for garden hoses.

You know, if you're looking for something in the humorous vein.

And I guess my biggest seller would be You Too Can Carve.

Well, those sound cute.

Have you read any of those, John?

I don't think so.

You seem like a very nice person.

And I guess... A writer's a writer.

Exactly.

Why don't I at least tell you what we're looking for?

I'd really like to hear that.

Well, when they came to me with this idea, they said, Erica, if anybody's

is meant to be a book, it's yours.

And I guess it's true. I do tend to fall in love a lot.

The problem is, I know how to live.

But I haven't the foggiest idea of how to put it on paper.

That's perfect. Dick's just the opposite.

Anyway, what I'm looking for is someone I can feel comfortable with.

I think I do have some fun stories to tell.

Of course, I don't know if the people I'm going to name will think they're

Yeah, that is a concern of mine. What are the actual legal ramifications of,

know, naming names?

Don't worry about it.

Well, that clears that up.

So, what do you think, Dick?

Well, obviously, I'm interested or I wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry I'm not the person you were looking for, but I think I could do a

job. Do you really?

Yes, I think the important thing is that you tell your story the way you want it

told rather than the way the tabloids have already been telling it.

I like that.

I love it.

Can I be honest?

I don't know how you pick a writer.

If I did, I guess I'd have made better movies.

But I've got a feeling you and I could be good together.

Well, I think so, too.

What do you think, John?

Absolutely.

Then it's settled.

Why don't you guys go out and make whatever deals have to be made while

I pour a glass of something to celebrate?

You mean this is it?

Uh -huh. Hey, that's great.

Congratulations. This is great. You guys are going to make a great team. This is

going to make a great book.

This is so great, I can't believe it.

This shouldn't take long.

I think he's almost as excited as I am. Well, he should be. I think we're going

to make a great team.

Of course, it'll take a little while for us to get used to each other.

That's true.

One thing you should know about me before we begin.

I like to write in the morning. I just think I think better.

Well, there's one thing you should know about me, too.

What's that?

I've never worked with a man I haven't been intimate with.