Original subtitles

There's something I've been meaning to tell you, but…

…I'm scared 'cause this has been going so well, and…

-Wait, what? -I don't want you to end it.

What is it? Stop scaring me.

-Mm. -Dear Wendy Jones.

As grown women, we think we've developed good instincts.

That we can spot the red flags waving in the distance

and take a different route.

But sometimes we can't see them.

Not until it's too late.

What?

-What? -All right.

My Bar Mitzvah theme was Weezer.

What are you talking about? That's not a Bar Mitzvah theme.

-It sure as fuck was. -Was not.

Yeah. Everybody wore these Rivers Cuomo glasses.

And my brother and I, we got on stage, and we had these inflatable guitars,

and we were lip-synching to "Undone - The Sweater Song."

Oh my God. Mm.

Oh no, see? Now you're gonna dump me.

-I knew I shouldn't have said anything. -No. You're so cute, I wanna crush you.

-You know what? -Hmm?

♪ If you want to destroy my sweater ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Pull this thread as I walk away ♪

♪ As I walk away Let me unravel ♪

♪ Starin' down the barrel of the hot sun ♪

-♪ Shinin' with the sheen of a shotgun ♪ -♪ Shotgun ♪

♪ Carol has a little if we need some ♪

♪ Joa has a ride if we wanna come ♪

♪ Hangin' your jeans with a clothespin ♪

♪ Skin still wet, still on my skin ♪

♪ Mango in your mouth, juice drippin' ♪

♪ Shoulder of your shirtsleeve slippin' ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about anyone ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about anyone ♪

♪ I wanna sleep in your car ♪

♪ While you're drivin' ♪

♪ Lay on your lap when I'm cryin' ♪

X marks the spot with the dot, dot, dot.

A dash and a slash and a question mark.

A man comes around and stabs you in the back.

-He stabs you in the back. -Ow!

And the blood drips down.

-Criss-cross, applesauce… -You're making it up.

-Spider on your shoulder. -You're a spider now?

Cool breeze.

And a tight squeeze.

-No. -And now you have the shiveries! Mm.

I don't buy it. I think you just made that whole thing up.

No, it's a game.

We used to play it in summer camp, an all-girls camp.

It was actually really cozy. You would have really fit in.

-Cool. -How many tattoos do you have, by the way?

Uh, I don't know. Like 8 or 9, I think. I can't remember.

Do any of 'em mean anything?

Um…

Uh, no. Not really, no.

-Really? Not even that one? -Which one?

-This one, on your ass. It says "poly." -Oh.

Is that, like, a lifestyle signifier?

No, Polly's just a friend.

We got it in Portugal as a joke when we were there together.

But then the lady spelt it wrong, so, yeah.

It's got one L. I forget that one is there, to be honest.

I don't really think about it that much.

Cool. I love it. That's great.

Friends get tattoos all the time. So, she's a girl, then.

Um, I just am really relieved 'cause I thought it stood for polyamorous.

Polyamorous?

Is that the one where you date lots of women or just one?

I can never remember which way around it is.

Or is it like when you're married to lots of women?

-No. Is that monogamous? -What?

What's monogamous?

Is that like… That's the same thing, isn't it?

Isn't it?

No red flags yet, Wendy.

None at all… over here.

Liv! Nic!

Come give me a hand!

-Fuckin' hell, you two are so lazy! -Watch your fuckin' language!

Wow. It's so gray there.

I thought it was gonna be, like, you know, all creative vibe

and that it would make me jealous, but, yeah, I'm not jealous.

No, it's gorgeous. It's lovely. This just doesn't convey it, you know?

Um, I met someone.

Wow. You know, this is the only area where you waste no time.

Uh, what does he do?

Why is the first question always, "What does he do?"

How about, "How does he make you feel? What does he value?"

"Does he fuck you from behind in, like, a respectful way?"

"Does he finger blast you? Does he know how to finger bang?"

Okay, Jessica. I'm your mother, not your friend.

Keep that in mind. So, he's unemployed?

He's not unemployed. He's an indie musician.

Mm-hmm. And where does he live?

Well, he lives in a really indie neighborhood.

You wouldn't know it. You don't know the London area.

Divorced? Remarried? Still married?

Uh, no, not to my knowledge.

And, yeah, before you ask, he sleeps in every day

because he used to do a lot of cocaine

and he fucked up his circadian rhythms, okay?

Why did I say all of that?

The mommy effect! Ah, that's the mommy effect.

So, listen. I don't think we should be even talking to this guy anymore,

unless you're gonna get married or something like that.

Because there is nothing about this conversation

that makes me think that you have unbroken your broken picker.

I haven't broken my picker!

No, are you serious? I lo… The textures!

I mean, the gradient alone, I mean, it's… And… and… and the juxtaposition.

Office-wide alert! Office-wide alert!

Kim's mood board is so good,

it is making me wanna commit autoerotic asphyxiation!

I know what you're trying to do. Last night's texting was abhorrent.

Okay, well, I'm sorry about that, okay?

I had taken a lot of ketamine in a way that I hadn't tried it before,

and it all got a bit much.

But I'm serious. This is like…

This is like a cultural reset for people who don't even believe in cultural resets.

I agree with that.

It's Helena Bonham Carter in a headband. Cute.

It's sweet. It's The Turin Horse.

-Yes, and it's that old movie! -That was a pop-up.

You seem to be fitting in really well.

I did get a couple of names for a hair and makeup team

if you want me to send them.

I actually wanted to invite you for dinner this evening.

Wow. That's a little intimate, but sure. I mean, I'm open.

-I'm coming. -I'm coming.

Even I'm coming.

My wife and I are having a little get-together for the team. Yeah.

It's good to form a bit of a bond. Emphasis on "a bit."

Oh, and, uh, let Josie know the name of your date

so that my wife can watercolor a placement card, um,

or whatever she has planned.

And, uh, if you're gluten or veganarian or whatever.

Oh, and, uh, don't forget those ten red flags, okay?

Oh! I'm Julia Roberts, bitch!

-Wait. Are you doing the picture now? -Yeah.

-Don't do landscape. -Oh, sorry.

-Yeah. -But you can still see blue.

-Do you wanna give me that bag? -Yeah.

-Can I see what's going on? Oh. -Yeah. Have a look. It's like…

Have you ever taken a picture of a woman before?

Oh my God, I love it. This is the London I came here for.

The London I deserve! It's like out of a movie.

Yeah, a horror movie.

Trust me, I grew up with the broken children of these houses,

and it's way more Shining than it is Richard Curtis.

I know they're sort of painted all fancy colors,

but these people are full of pent-up rage and dark secrets.

I know, but look, it's a yellow house.

-Yeah, it's yellow. It's pretty. -Listen.

Okay, so, you know, this is my boss. My new boss.

And these are people that I work with, so I just wanted to let you know, like,

let's just play it cool.

Like two normal people. Cool as a cucumber, just me and you and…

And I'm not trying to control you. I wouldn't want you to control me.

-I want us to feel free in this… -No, I get it.

Sort of whatever we're doing, I want you to feel free as a bird, but…

-Maybe lose the hat. -Just be normal.

Don't even think about the hat. It was never even on! Looks so nice.

There was one girl called…

I think she was called, like, Victoria Peterson or something.

She lives on one of these streets, and basically, she was throwing up.

But because she'd drunk so much Guinness, like, it was all black.

So, it looked like she was like a scene from The Exorcist or something.

-I see. -That's the shit we're dealing with.

Oh my God. They have a blue door too! Mm.

Come on. That's the quietest knocking I've heard.

Now, that was aggressive.

They're gonna think I'm a delivery person or something.

Okay.

-Well, hello! -Hi.

Look at you both! What a breath…

I'm Jessica. I work with Jonno. And this is my… friend.

-Friend Felix. My… Felix. -Hi.

-Nice to meet you. -What a breath of fresh air.

And look at this coat!

I can tell you're gonna be an absolute bore.

-Is it a coat or a dress? -Um, it's a coat! Here we go!

Oh, normally, we're stuck here with toffs talking about ski slopes.

-Come on in. What a relief you are. -Okay, thanks.

Uh, spoiler alert. It's a candle. Just a nice-smelling candle.

You probably have a million. Put it in your candle closet.

You can never have too many sniff-sniffs, can you? Come on in!

-Did she just say… -"Sniff-sniffs," yeah.

-M'kay. -Not judgin'. Not judgin'.

When I realized that fonts were my way in,

travel suddenly looked not only like personal enlightenment.

-But also professional... -Fascinating, yeah. Yeah.

I'm hanging on every word of this story.

But I have to pause and ask, have you been to Lamu Island?

-Mm. Kenya. -Yeah. The archipelago.

-Just off the coast. -Um, no.

You know, everything in this room that you see

is, like, worth, like, hundreds of thousands of pounds.

-There you are! -Oh. Oh, we don't drink, actually. But...

-More for me. I'll take it. -Okay.

They look gorgeous. Glug, glug, glug. More for me.

He doesn't need anything. Doesn't even like water.

So, he's good. He's not thirsty.

All right. You must meet my cousin up from the country,

Imogen Tinsley-Derbyshire, and her wife, Bryony, over there. They run the…

Bon appétit to edible condoms.

Yeah, I don't know if it was, I kept getting different UTIs.

Like, I don't know if I'm getting 50 UTIs a year or it's one long UTI.

You know, it's, like, some days I'll wake up, I'm on top of the world.

Other days, I'm waking up and my piss hole's, like, burning fire.

I see. I see. Have you tried D-man nose?

It's a monosaccharide.

How do you feel about, um, buttock implants?

-I'm serious. -I haven't thought much about them.

I don't know if I should be having this conversation with my boss.

Why?

So, he calls me on Sunday night.

He's like, "I'm at Berghain. I've been here for 48 hours."

"You should come." It's like, "What is going on?"

The Kardashians have them, and Madonna's followed suit. I mean…

Mm. Is there butter?

Is that a pill that you're talking about? I have, um, glottal terror.

So I don't want to swallow things that I'm not supposed to swallow. Just…

I know the feeling. Jonno…

I'll suck the guy off. I'm not… I'm not swallowing it.

-I'll spit it out! -Oh God.

Excuse me. Oh! I'm sweating like a sow.

The menopause really should come with clearer warnings.

I love how you guys say, like, "the menopause."

Like it's like a celebrity.

You know, like, "Is that the menopause?"

"It is. Come get a picture with me."

What do you say in America?

Um, just "menopause."

Oh.

I'm not quite there yet, but I do have PCOS,

and that gives you cysts

and fuzzy sideburns I have to shave off with a literal man's razor.

Look, if you need anything while you're here in London, health-wise,

I'm just a phone call away, all right?

That is so nice of you to say.

-I love you. -Oh.

Piss and cum galore, I've heard.

I've heard. I can't wait to go. Can't wait to go.

-I've been wanting to go. -Yeah. You'll never forget it.

Anyway, he's like, "Come. You should come."

And it's, like, "Relax, babe." Right?

Like, I like him, but not take a flight to Germany

to fish him out of a sex dungeon levels of like him.

-Like, some things are deal-breakers. -Yeah.

I don't have a lot of resources or friends here, you know?

Well, at least you have your lovely partner.

-Mm. -How long have you two been together?

Um, you know, my instinct is to lie to you, but I want to be honest.

Ten days. I've been with my partner for ten days.

Well, no wonder you've got those issues down there.

You're basically hanging from the rafters still.

-Yeah, he's fuckin' me raw! No condom. -Oh my goodness!

I've always found, like, engaging with people's inner lives

is kind of a waste of energy, you know?

I can go deeper by staying on the surface.

-Literally, cheers to that. -Oh, we don't cheers, but that's lovely.

-And you're amazing. -Thank you.

Is that why you don't make eye contact with me?

To stay on the surface or whatever?

'Cause you haven't looked at me a single time for the whole evening.

I just find, like… I'm so honest, and this is really brutal.

I only make eye contact with people that I know that I'm not gonna fuck.

'Cause it's too much. At dinner, especially, it's like…

So, you know you're not gonna fuck him

'cause you've looked at him quite a few times.

But you're worried about, like, that we might fuck.

That… To put… If you're gonna be, like, really specific

about in terms of who I would and wouldn't fuck at the table,

that is… yeah, that is absolutely what I'm saying.

-Okay. -For sure. Which is no reflection on…

Like, you're… you are great, but there is more of a…

You can feel that there's a vibe! There's a vibe, but then you're going…

-Enormous vibe, yeah. -You're with my colleague, you know?

And like, what do we do? Like Romeo and Juliet over here.

I don't know. Like, I'm so scared of her dying.

You know, I'm so scared of the tumor coming back.

I mean, it's gone, but they come back, you know?

And I just lay in bed at night thinking about Astrid dying,

and I'm writing her obituary in my mind.

It should be published in The Times or People Mag.

I don't know what I would do without that little lady.

She has better thoughts than all of us. She's better than all of us.

You, my darling… you are just cracking my heart open

with that big, brave ability to just… love.

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Look at you.

Why don't you come with me just for a little minute?

I want to show you something special.

I will zip my lip and throw away the key. No one needs to know.

-Does that feel better? -Yeah. Just what the doctor ordered.

This is a nice party.

-Oh God. -Feels good, huh?

That's so much better. I needed a mood lifter too.

Me too. I was wondering when we'd do that.

Do you know, I had the most incredible dog.

Lettuce was her name. Lettuce the lurcher.

She had the most profound sixth sense of knowing exactly when I was in pain.

Emotionally, physically…

Oh.

-May I? -Oh, sure, yeah.

-It's the same color. Isn't that amazing? -Yeah.

You've got such gorgeous lips.

Look at you.

It was…

It was like, she would stay so closely at my heel, obsessively.

Almost to the point where it was irritating, like…

-Like an ex-lover you can't get rid of. -Hmm.

And it just… it came to be that she…

She just knew when I was hurting even before I did.

When I had to have back surgery, she was there.

And when my mother passed away, she was there.

And that was hours before I even got the news.

And when Jonno had his emotional affair with Kylie Minogue, she was there.

Oh my God. What happened?

-She became like a sister. -No, I mean, like, your dog.

Oh God! Lettuce, yes.

Well…

Yes, it was just heartbreaking.

Gardener left the gate open one night,

she got curious and met a potato truck going down a dark country lane.

-It was devastating. -Oh no.

But here's the thing I've come to realize.

Animals are the most incredible thing,

precisely because of how briefly they're here.

-Yeah. -Thank you. That is so… just…

You're too sweet. You're my Oprah!

Oh!

-Can I be? I love that. Oh! -I love you.

-Sorry. -No, that's okay!

-I love, love, love you! -You are…

You have empathy like I've never known it.

It's unbelievable. I see it in your face.

Right back at you, sister. I see it in yours.

What the fuck?

I don't know. I just, um… With Astrid, I just…

-I trust her so much. -Astrid?

-The dog. She's never done anything wrong. -Oh. God.

You know, she's a perfect angel, and it's so easy to trust her.

-It's so hard to trust people. -Yes.

You know, like Felix. He means well, and he's been so incredible to me.

But I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm waiting to hear that he has a wife and triplets in Aberdeen or something.

You know, or what if he watches porn too much?

Yes, I know. I'm not completely convinced that Jonno's not an axe murderer.

He's pretty opaque, as I'm sure you've noticed.

I could definitely see him hurting someone.

What? No, he's not violent. He's just moody.

But isn't this the best time?

This time you're in, when it's all so new and delicious and tender and terrifying?

Enjoy it, 'cause pretty soon you'll feel safe and sure,

and you'll have four children.

Then you'll be wishing he'd go to sleep in the garden shed.

And you'll miss those days when you didn't know everything.

Just enough to tip it off.

-You all right? -Hey! What the hell's up, brother?

How was the bathroom?

Oh my God, it is so gorgeous in that bathroom.

She has a beautiful soap dish.

I mean, I didn't even know that you needed a dish for soap.

Gorgeous, elegant, bold, just like Julianne Moore.

The Julianne Moore of soap dishes. Are you having fun with Boss?

-He… so has pink hair. -Yeah. Yeah, no, he's funny.

He has quite confusing values, though. Like all these people.

That guy, the banker guy, was, like, telling me to invest in oil

'cause war is gonna drive the stocks up or some shit.

Nice tip.

-Yeah? -Big money bags!

You okay? You've been doing the…?

No! Oh my God.

No. You are being so weird about the fact that I'm drinking.

And you're being weird about it.

And I told you, I know that I told you that I couldn't drink

because some stuff went down in New York where…

Some stuff where… Okay, I shouldn't be drinking.

But guess what? I think it's the stuff where I can have a drink once in a while.

You know, I can't drink all the time. Of course not.

But, you know, I'm not someone that can't pick up a glass or two.

-On a… on a holiday or a party. -Okay. No, I trust you.

What? Now you're being weird about not being weird.

No, I mean, I trust you.

You're a grown-up. You know what you're doing.

You are nasty to me.

-What's nasty about that? -Don't start a fight right now.

My wife trusts me. Big mistake.

That's terrifying to say.

-That's awful, Peter. Sorry. -Yeah.

It's been tough, but I've finally stopped crying myself to sleep at night.

I'm sorry about that. A yoga instructor!

I know. Such a cliché, isn't it?

-You need your intellectual match. -I'm spilling.

Peter's just got separated, and he's taken up skiing.

Oh my God, you're a LILF!

A late-in-life skier.

-That's funny! -Yes, I suppose I am.

-Yeah, LILF. -Mm.

-MILF. -Yeah, kinda like MILF, but not.

That's so funny.

By the way, I love your soap dish.

Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

I got it in the souk in Marrakech. Uh, Moroccan market, right?

This ancient woman, she had a face…

Just… pain all over it.

And I was passing by, saw her stall… It's the only thing she had.

And she just grabbed my hand and thrust it into it and said,

"I've been waiting for you."

And then she died.

Anyway, it's a beautiful dish, and I'm glad you noticed it.

Hmm.

You look quite familiar.

Where would I know you from? Hmm?

Uh…

-I don't know. I don't think you know me. -Oh, I really think I do.

Don't think so.

Not unless I sold you laughing gas in like 2013 outside Marble Arch.

Oh, it wouldn't be that.

I know you from somewhere.

I don't think it's me that you're thinking of.

-Are you sure? -Mm.

I mean, you can never be too sure, but…

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a liar by his big toe.

Is this an Anne Frank joke?

What? Is that even a type of joke?

I mean, people will always tear down a woman

that achieves success on her own terms.

I think she's just called Ann and we're in her attic.

I think you're overthinking it.

Okay, I'm freaking out, and I need to be told to breathe.

-Okay, breathe. Breathe. -Miss, you are not my keeper.

She's gagged. She's absolutely gagged. And not in the fun way.

At dinner, Jonno made this incredibly weird comment

about my dynamic with Josie in front of Josie.

Josie, who doesn't know that I wanna be a lesbian with her.

What if she's straight?

Okay, well, she's wearing two T-shirts, so I think she's a lesbo, guys.

I mean, do you like her?

"Like"? "Like, like, like." "Like" is such a juvenile word.

I don't "like" her.

I… I feel deeply drawn to who she is, who she could become.

-She's my destiny. -What's the difference?

Guys, guys, guys, guys. Have you seen?

Wow, Jonno on his downtime,

looking like the most well-preserved member of a heritage stadium rock act.

I die.

It's like, "Yeah! Sing me, like, a soft rock song

about, like, how you're a man."

"But you have mental health issues, but don't really."

But, also, what he did to Kim was really, really rough

and… and not appropriate at all.

I just think, honestly, he feels close to you.

That's what it is. He feels emotionally close.

Like, obviously, with me, it's more sexual.

It's more like, "There's a hole. Let me at it!"

But, um… but with you, he's more like a dad, I think.

-Yes! Come, come. -Ooh!

God! Yummy, yummy! May I?

Yes, this makes me so happy!

Look at you, enjoying my little contribution to the potluck.

Thing about cocaine is, in moderation, it keeps you young.

You know, I really wouldn't. But if Kim's doing it, I probably should.

'Cause otherwise, she'll do it, and she'll go crazy.

Then she'll feel very alone and low later. Also, I love cocaine.

I mean, I… I feel like I can't say no to my boss.

-Go for it. -I don't want to.

I just feel like I can't say no to the hospitality.

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God. Yeah, no. Go for it.

You know what's about to happen, though? Right? You know where this is headed?

What? You think everyone's gonna start fucking?

♪ Tap, tap, tap in, wrist on glitter ♪

♪ Waist on thinner ♪

♪ I'mma show you How to bag an eight-figure, figure ♪

-♪ Face on my zaddy ♪ -♪ Sheesh ♪

♪ Pockets on Jigga You better get the card ♪

♪ And make it swipe like Tinder ♪

♪ Private villa and a fur chinchila ♪

♪ When he post me all the… get sicker ♪

-♪ Bleh ♪ -♪ Boy killer ♪

-♪ Don't need fillers ♪ -♪ Nope ♪

♪ Never been a lame So the real chicks feel it ♪

♪ Daddy on the FaceTime You could never take mine ♪

♪ End up on the Dateline Uh, uh, uh, mwah! ♪

♪ Rich with no day job ♪

♪ Hit your wop, wop ♪

♪ Always on the court side, uh-huh-huh Billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪

♪ I'm from the West Coast They wanna go down south ♪

♪ These lame little rappers Tryna… for clout ♪

♪ Hmm, I won't let him hit But he can put it in his mouth ♪

♪ Lil' waist, fat, fat, baby, tap in ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap in, haters can't relate I've never been fake ♪

♪ I got a big baller Putting icing on my cake, mwah ♪

♪ Icy from my lips To my fingers to my toenails ♪

♪ Drippin' in Chanay-nay This ain't goin' on sale ♪

♪ All these birds boosie, baby I do not do friends well ♪

♪ Lotta haters… But I promised that I won't tell ♪

♪ Shh, now, what's my favorite word? ♪

♪ Icy ♪

♪ I can see the smile But I know she don't like me ♪

♪ Two hundred for a verse Yeah, I'm way too pricey ♪

-Hi. -Hello.

-May I? -Yes.

'Kay. A question.

Uh, as a… seasoned lesbian,

uh, might you counsel me on what to expect if I were to pursue this path?

It would be my absolute honor, okay?

-Go. -Did you always know you were queer?

Oh no. No.

I've always been intensely lustful,

but the objects of my obsession were varied.

And my very first relationship

was with my boss at Tatler Magazine and his wife.

Damn!

Oh my God.

I… I had one divorce, and I thought I was hot shit,

but… you're on fire.

And now I'm a grandmother of two.

And my partner had a whole other life as a housewife before I ruined her.

And at weekends, I kind of do my own thing.

Live my own life, you know?

-Speaking of which… -Yes.

I have a room at the Ham Yard Hotel.

-Oh. -Oh.

Oh! Uh…

-Honestly, I am… very flattered. -Good.

-But I'm new to this. -Yeah, I know.

And I think what you need is

an "eat it up, no crumbs" kind of experience.

And… I would leave all the crumbs.

-There'd be so many crumbs. -I could be a Hoover!

-The… I have a visual. -Well, okay.

-Okay, look at me. Are you ready? -Okay. I'm looking.

-Three, two, one, go. -Okay.

Oh my God, your stuff's way better than my stuff.

Cleaning your bag is like getting a colonic.

-Okay? Like, "That came out of me?" -Take this.

I don't know how much money's on it, but, hell, go crazy.

-Buy a bagel and a coffee. -A dollar!

I've seen these on TV. Do you use this?

A dollar. Never know when you need it.

You guys don't have any central air or heat or anything.

-I don't know how you cool down! -Ah! Ah!

Gauche alarm. You're being gauche. AC? In a Georgian-listed building?

We have a heritage. We have a tradition.

Oh really? What's your tradition? Eating beans?

You wanna get Camilla Parker Bowles? You wanna give her a lower-back tattoo?

You wanna say, "No loads refused"? That's crazy.

Why do you have so many condoms? Were you trying to hook up?

Mm, is it illegal to fuck now?

-Lock me in prison 'cause I fuck. -Sorry, I can't see you!

You finished all the champers, or is there still some lying around?

No, I did not. I actually think the culprit is your wife

who was sort of pouring it down her blouse.

I realize where I know you from.

You went to the same boarding school as our daughter Viola.

Ding-ding! Jig is up. Uh-oh.

You two were a bit of an item back then.

In fact, I may be within my fatherly rights

to smack you round a bit!

You do have a very fatherly vibe right now. Gotta say.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Dropped out, didn't ya?

Six months before your A levels!

I didn't finish school, no.

Yeah. Broke my daughter's heart and left just before A levels.

Classic behavior! Yeah, classy!

You don't know anything about me, so…

-Didn't you take Francesca to… -Talking about Viola, aren't we?

Oh! It's Vi, Vi, Vi, Vi, Vi.

Didn't you take Viola to Manchester for a show

and then leave her at a fucking Travelodge?

It was Liverpool, and there's more to it than that.

-But yeah, that's me. -Yeah, well, I don't love your tone.

-No? -No.

I think you need to back up. This is getting a bit weird now.

Oh, not one bit!

You dropout, you cad…

Can you stop touching me? What the fuck?

Fuck off! Are you trying to fucking…

Are you trying to fucking fight me?

You've got it down to a T, mate.

Yeah, I cheated on your daughter.

Then started trying to stick my 16-year-old pecker

into anything that moved.

I don't like your attitude!

Dude, what the fuck is going on with your grip? It's insane.

I'll tell you what really happened. My dad ran out of money.

-That's why I left. -Boo-hoo!

They put all my shit in cardboard boxes and told me to call my own fucking cab.

Your daughter said she'd wait for me like I was some soldier going to war,

and then within a week, she was dating Hugo fucking Wetherspoon

and wouldn't even answer my fucking calls.

Very fucking good manners. Are you trying to fuck me now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe that's why she left you. Because you've got bad manners!

Your daughter was a fucking brat, by the way.

I should have stuck with Lissa Larchmont. She was actually nice.

I went down on her in Julia Jessup's garden,

and she fucking cared about me, you gacked-up tosser. Get off!

-Oh, sorry! -Ah.

-Felix! -You okay?

-Oh, hi, Ann. -Oh shit.

Darling, have you seen that cooling sex gel?

I want to give it to Jessica.

-Did we leave it in the garden last time? -Uh, bottom right drawer.

-But… I can't see it. -Um, Ann, thank you so much.

This meant so much to me. I'm so sorry about everything.

Oh, it was lovely, darling. It was lovely.

Don't worry about Jonno.

He's always in the prone position at the end of a party.

Jonno, thank you for the hospitality.

Um, Ann, again, one minute with you is a million in heaven.

And one minute away from you is hell for eternity.

Thank you. Hope I get to see you soon. I feel safe with you.

Yes, we must. We must.

I'm sure you can find it at Boots, by the way.

-But will you see yourselves out? -Yeah, sorry.

-Thanks. Say hi to Viola. -All right?

That was a lovely night, wasn't it?

Did you have fun, darling?

-Mm. -Did it get a little crazy?

-Mm. -Mm!

All right. Are you going to clean up?

-No, no. -I can't do it.

Do you know, she got in the bath.

-Did she? -It was weird.

Got your coat. And your, um, bag… purse thing.

Also, you know that soap dish you liked?

-Thank you! -Got you that as well.

Oh my God, Felix!

-You're kidding. That is my boss. -Yeah, man. You said you liked it.

You can't just steal things from my boss. I can't smuggle around stolen goods.

Also, what did you say in there? "Gay-ass tortoise"?

-Do you mean "gacked-up tosser"? -Is that what you said?

Yeah. Gack is cocaine. And tosser's just, "You're a dickhead."

All I wanted tonight was for you to be chill.

For us to be two chill guys.

This is worse than if we would have both walked in with hats.

All I wanted was us to be civilized people who had, like, positive attitudes.

-I wanted us to have positive attitudes. -Why? They don't.

They have fucking hideous attitudes.

Like, almost as hideous as their fucking faux-liberal politics

when all they care about is money.

And how they judge everyone

who doesn't live exactly the same way they do.

And their sad fucking children

who've been hugged precisely two times in their entire lives.

Yeah. I called your boss a tosser, sorry.

But they were kind of fucked, yeah.

Also, by the way, you were hitting on Imogen.

-Don't think I didn't see. -God. No, I wasn't.

She's, like, some lesbian grandma who raises ducks.

Okay. Well, guess what? She touched Kim's almost vagina,

so she's not that innocent.

You know, she's a pretty young grandma. We must agree.

-We must agree! -Sure.

This has all just been a series of red flags.

I mean, when I came to find my English dream,

I wanted to be in bed with, like, Mr. Darcy or Hugh Grant

from the British Jones's Diaries.

Okay, did you just say "British"… Did you say "British Jones's Diary"?

-Yeah, there's four of them. -Yeah, it's not called "British Jones."

She's British!

She has a diary! What are you talking about?

You're just some guy with a random girl's name tattooed to your ass.

And you're just… You don't even have an electric bill!

You don't even know the difference between polyamory and monogamy.

What is the difference? They sound exactly the fucking same.

It's really different. It's really different.

-Okay. -Also, I'm sorry.

Lissa Larchmont in Julia Jessup's garden?

-What the fuck? Is this a game of Clue? -Yeah. That's fair.

-Cluedo? Do you mean Cluedo? -No. I mean Clue.

The board game? With, like, the library and the pipe.

And the Colonel Mustard or whatever. We call that Cluedo.

Well, that doesn't make sense 'cause it's a game of clues!

I don't know why you have to add your little, you know,

teacup of charm into it.

I'm just telling you. It's what it's called.

I feel like the problem is that you're, like, obsessively scanning me

for red flags, but, I mean, I don't, like…

I'm not assessing you for red flags because that's not how my brain works.

But if I did, it's not like you don't have any.

No. I don't have any. Name one. I'm so fun!

Okay. You end every sentence with a question mark.

-I do not? -Yeah. Two red flags?

Like, you send crazy-long texts one after the other.

Like, multiple paragraphs.

Before I've even checked my phone, you've basically sent me an essay.

You talk about your ex the whole fucking time.

But you've never told me what he actually did,

so I don't know if he's a horrible monster or if you're actually overly sensitive.

Also, by the way, sometimes when you come, you look dead.

-That's hot. -Okay, fair enough.

And, like, your dog smells really weird. Your dog smells of vinegar.

-Vinegar is a cleaning product. -Why? You've never had a good explanation.

Also, why do you keep telling me you're sober?

You just had three signature cocktails and took some coke!

-For what? To be polite? -Who cares?

And you set yourself on fire the first time I met you.

Literally, the first time I met you, you're on fire.

-You're a ridiculous guy! -Within five minutes.

You literally set yourself on fire.

Oh my God.

You're too much, man. Too much.

Maybe I'm not too much. Maybe you're just not enough.

No, I don't mean, like…

It's not an insult. I mean, like, you know, you're too much.

Like, it's a good thing.

Like, just the right amount and then, like, a little bit more.

Oh.

♪ I was just coastin' ♪

♪ Never really goin' anywhere ♪

♪ Caught up in a web ♪

♪ I was gettin' kinda used To stayin' there ♪

♪ And out of the blue ♪

♪ I fell for you ♪

♪ Now, you're liftin' me up ♪

♪ 'Stead of holdin' me down ♪

♪ Stealin' my heart ♪

♪ 'Stead of stealing my crown ♪

♪ Untangled all the strings 'Round my wings ♪

♪ That were tied ♪

♪ I didn't know him ♪

♪ And I didn't know me ♪

♪ Cloud Nine was always out of reach ♪

♪ Now I remember What it feels like to fly ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Now, you're liftin' me up ♪

♪ 'Stead of holdin' me down ♪

♪ You're takin' my hand 'Stead of takin' my crown ♪

♪ Untangled all the strings 'Round my wings ♪

♪ That were tied ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Mm-hmm-hmm ♪

♪ You give me butterflies ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪