Original subtitles

With the joyous holiday number 11 rapidly approaching, the merchants of

would like to remind you to do your number 11 shopping early.

And from the staff and management of Perma 1, we offer this sincere holiday

message.

M1 -64 -44 -Z13.

Thank you.

Lovely rendition, guys.

Lovely.

I don't have all the answers, Cliff.

I'm not the head. I'm his assistant.

I work hard. I make mistakes. I'm sorry. And, Cliff, happy number 11.

Right.

Duke, how many times do I have to tell you, don't put the packages on the

equipment?

I am grateful. Just keep them off the equipment.

Oh, poor.

Did Interface give you my message this morning? I don't know. I've been doing

number 11 shopping.

What do you think Ficus would like?

Why don't you do what I do when I'm stuck for a present? Give him a plant.

Ficus is a plant. So they'll move into a nice little greenhouse and be very

happy together.

I'll think about it. What was your message?

I want you to stick around Perma One today. I just may have something for

Oh?

Is it something besides a garbage run?

Oh, maybe something, maybe nothing.

Palindrome? Oh, I just mentioned to the head you might be interested in having

some action. Today just might be your lucky day. Hey, I really appreciate

palindrome. Holiday number 11 just brings out the sweetness in me.

Duke, stay away from my desk.

Oh, for me?

Thank you, thank you, Duke. That'll be all. Thank you.

Now I've got to get him something.

Oh, come in, come in. Come in.

Estro, Walker.

Quark. Quark.

Commander Walker, as this is the joyous season of number 11, I am sending you

home to your new life mate.

I'm sorry I had to interrupt your wedding night for the two -year mission

which you have just returned.

I do hope your bride understands.

Is my assignment as good as that? Next to yours, that one's hardly worth

mentioning. Commander Estro, you will take command of the new UGSS -10.

The most modern and powerful starship in the history of the galaxy.

Even better than that?

Quark, when I say I have something for you, I mean something. And, Quark, you

will be the subject of my latest experiment.

Experiment? The galaxy ad infinitum.

Did I tell you I had something?

Experiment? I don't want to be an experiment.

Quark, you don't like anything.

I've been in the heads experiments.

I don't want to spend another month testing the gravitational properties of

wheat. I worked my tail off getting you this assignment. This is gratitude?

What about Peterson? That intergalactic champion? Before he was in the heads

experiment, he was a heavyweight.

Now, he's a paperweight. You don't trust me, do you, Quark? After all we've been

through, frankly, I'm hurt.

Palindrome, what is the experiment?

You'll leave in two days. Everything will be explained before blast -off.

Are you sure I'm going to like this? Or my middle name isn't Hubert.

Your middle name is Bob.

Hi there, and this is Dr.

Cheryl Evans, head of all computer development for the United Galaxies. Dr.

Evans is the leading computer scientist in our field.

This is Vanessa, 38.

2436. The most advanced computer of its kind in the entire galaxy.

More advanced than the ATR 240?

There's nothing this computer cannot do.

Commander Quark, this experiment will prove conclusively that you and your

are obsolete.

Does this mean you won't need me anymore?

Of course we'll need you. I built you with my own hands, didn't I?

Vanessa is so talented.

I'm just a bunch of spare parts.

Andy. I don't want your pity.

Good, then let's get on with this.

But I'll take whatever I can get. Hey, hey, Palindrome takes care of his

Now, you're all going to love Vanessa. Now, listen.

Vanessa, how much is 11 to the 212th divided by the sum of the crew's

multiplied by 9?

7. I was going to say 7. Vanessa, which one of us is real and which one of us is

the clone? The pretty one is the clone. I am not.

Vanessa, if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears or sees it fall, did

tree in fact fall? What kind of question is that? The answer is yes. Very

impressive, Doctor.

I was going to say yes.

Didn't I tell you? She is infallible. Wait just a minute. Vanessa.

This is Adam Quark, commander of this ship. I know all about you, Quark.

Vanessa, do you in fact believe in me? What are you doing, Quark? Proposing to

computer? Vanessa will control every aspect of this ship, right?

Right. Then our lives are in her hands. I'd like to know if she believes in us.

No, commander, I don't. You don't believe in us? I do not.

Humans make errors.

Well, Quark, good luck. See you around.

Palindrome, you're sending me on a test flight with a computer that controls my

ship and it doesn't even believe in me.

How do I turn it off? Commander Quark, you don't.

Have a nice time, Quark. Happy number 11.

Goodbye, Vanessa.

Make me proud.

Don't worry, Cheryl. I will.

I don't believe this.

Believe it, Quark.

Star note.

I hate to admit it, but Vanessa has performed brilliantly.

The crew loves her.

So far, I have been able to conceal my misgivings, even from Ficus.

Commander, from your stance and bearing, I detect in you some unresolved matter

that is causing confusion, tenseness, general uncertainty.

Ficus, why do you say things like that?

Sir? I mean, just out of the blue, to say things like that.

Out of the blue? What blue?

Forget it.

Ficus, the commander doesn't like me. It bothers him that I place no faith in

human decisions.

That's correct, Vanessa.

Humans do make errors, Commander.

Ah, there is intelligent life on this ship. Yes, but humans have feelings, and

feelings play an important part in decision -making.

True, Commander, but human feelings are not reliable.

That's why you animals make mistakes.

Yes, Ficus, we animals do make mistakes, but mistakes help people to learn.

In other words, Commander, you animals need to fail before you succeed.

there would be no reason for failure in a purely logical world.

That's true, Ficus, but what you are failing to take into account is that

isn't always the sensible thing.

Don't you see the possibilities, Palindrome?

With Vanessa, we can completely eliminate the human factor.

We can use her for everything.

To cook, to clean, even to breed our children.

Why don't we just stop at cooking and cleaning? I'd really rather breed my own

children. You're just being a mental palindrome.

I've been accused of a lot of things before, but never of that.

Vanessa's the ultimate computer.

I just hope your friend Quark doesn't get in her way.

Vanessa might have to deal with him.

Deal with him? What would she do, blow a fuse?

Vanessa's capabilities are endless, palindrome.

Well, it isn't as if she could actually destroy him or anything.

Dr. Evans, this is where you're supposed to nod in agreement.

And this has been programmed for success, palindrome.

At any price.

Oh, boy, and this was my number 11 present at Cork. I should have just

a plant like last year.

Get me the head.

Commander, I'm picking up an alien craft.

It appears to be traveling towards us at alarming speed.

It's heading right at us. That party's over.

Identification.

Cruiser class. Definitely a warship. The Gorgons, sir. The Gorgons?

I hate the Gorgons. I joined up just for a chance to fight it, Commander.

We're on a collision course, Commander. What should we do?

Bring it up on the telescreen.

You pick it up electronically, but we cannot make visual contact.

That's right.

Well, where is it? We seem to be heading straight into some kind of invisible

force. Bettys? Yes?

Stay on this course. If we turn, the Gorgons will sense our weakness.

A two -year -old could sense our weakness. I can handle this, Commander.

You listen to the Commander. You listen good. You got that.

Andy, you want me to handle this.

Vanessa, this is my family. We live and work together every day.

I want you to know I am willing to turn on them.

Maintain the course.

But, Commander, I must point out that if we maintain this course, we're certain

to crash.

Ficus, I'll get the orders here. Commander, maybe Vanessa should handle

huh? Gene.

Might not be a bad idea. My money's on Vanessa. What do you think, Ficus? Me or

the machine?

I find your question ludicrous, Commander.

The machine, of course.

We've got a majority.

Bettys? Yes? Drop all shields. Ficus, shut down thrust systems.

Commander, for your own good, I'm declaring you unfit for duty. I'm taking

command of this ship.

Go away. I'm dead serious, sir.

Ficus, arrest Gene. He can't arrest me. I'm arresting you.

Somebody arrest somebody.

Commander, six seconds to impact.

I'd like you to announce my retirement.

Here they are. We're going to crash.

Fascinating. The Gorgon ship disappeared as though it had never existed.

Very good, Ficus.

Right, Vanessa?

You're not as dumb as I thought.

Thank you.

Hey, what's going on?

There never was any Gorgon ship.

The whole attack was programmed and fed into our computers by Vanessa in order

to prove her superior to me. How did she know?

Human instinct.

Adam, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I guess I kind of lost my head, Commander.

We'd all be better off if you did.

I think I'm going to take Ergo out for a walk.

Hey, I'll walk Ergo, can't I? No, no, no.

There are times when a man wants to be alone.

Especially on this spaceship.

I feel terrible about turning on you. I feel worse.

It's all over now. Let's just forget it. Do you mean it, Adam?

Yes, I mean it. I was scared. I was more scared.

Of course. Let's just forget it. Do you mean it, Adam?

Do you have any idea what it's like to turn on the only man you've ever cared

about? Uh, actually, no.

That's the end of it. Do you mean it, Adam?

Will you stop asking me if I mean it?

Yes, I mean it.

Man, I gotta talk to you in a second.

What is it, Jean? It's about this Vanessa business.

That computer's making some pretty strange mistakes.

I think you should do something about it.

Star note.

Having a full set of male and female chromosomes makes Jean a very unusual

person.

What seems to be the problem, Jean?

Well, this is a small thing, Commander.

But I was getting some space cookies inside of one of the nutrition cabinets

when I noticed one of the lights was on.

Uh, that is pretty little, Jean.

That's only half of it. Something is wrong with the water.

What's wrong?

Doesn't look right.

Uh, Gene... Listen, Commander, I don't know about you, but the pressure is

starting to get to me.

Is it getting to you?

No, not really.

Well, me neither, Commander, because it takes more than a sweet -talking bucket

of bulls to get to me.

You think Matt is making mistakes, or it's just Gene's imagination?

I think Gene's imagination has a tendency to run away with itself. Come

on, fella. Let's go.

All right, guy. All right. We're going. Take it easy, fella.

Take it easy.

We're going.

Okay, guy.

Here we go.

Okay, fella.

Let's go, let's go.

Star Note.

To clear my mind, I have decided to take a walk in space.

Why do I have the feeling that was a big mistake?

Further stardom. This is the worst holiday number 11 I ever had.

Addition to further stardom.

I'm floating away!

He knows I do even more. Do you think he knows what I was going through?

You know Adam. He's so cool under pressure.

I know. He doesn't know what it's like to feel total hysterical panic.

He's so strong. He's brave.

He's floating outside the window.

Commander!

Adam! His air hose has been cut.

He has a ten minute emergency supply of oxygen. There's no reason to panic. I

can think of a few reasons to panic.

You did this, Vanessa.

Quick thinking, Jean.

Let's see if you can button your boots and count to ten at the same time.

None of the controls work. Vanessa has them jammed. Vanessa, I order you to

up the commander. I'll rip out your 250B rectifier. You got that?

We don't need him. He only gets in my way.

You're willing to let him die?

Well... He's drifting towards the garbage closet. If he can't grab him,

shoot out into space.

Are you all right,

Adam? What a touching little scene.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I had six minutes of oxygen left.

What was Vanessa doing during all of this? Nothing. She just watched.

Commander, fall and go boom.

Yes, Vanessa. Commander, go boom. I hope this hasn't hurt our friendship.

A little thing like this? Good, then I forgive you. Hey, I'm telling you,

Commander, we've got to rip that thing out of there. That's no way to treat a

lady. Jean, I'll decide what has to be done.

Ficus, how much farther until we get to the Valorum star colony?

Hard to say, Commander.

Well, take a wild guess.

Taking a wild guess, I'd say we are precisely parallel to the 92nd

rung of the planet Phylax, while approximating a 45 -degree angle to the

constellation Bebop as Avarela Lava.

I am not sure if I can ever relate to ficus. Ficus? What does that mean?

Five hours.

Why do you say that? Why do you always use the big words, huh?

What are we going to do, Adam?

The mission will continue.

That's a very good decision, Quark. And we're going to celebrate holiday number

11 the same as we do every year.

By showering together.

Do you mean it, Adam?

It doesn't matter. Gene.

A traditional number 11 shower.

Last one into quasi -norm.

I suppose you're wondering why I brought you in here.

I know why, Adam.

No, you don't. I know why, sir. Yeah, well, I don't. The reason is I didn't

Vanessa to hear us. I knew that.

Hey, listen, Commander, I think we ought to rip her electrodes out. What do you

say? Come on, let's do it. Whatever we do, we've got to keep our plans a

I think she's on to us. Somehow she senses what we're thinking.

We cannot let her suspect what we're up to. I think I have no choice.

but to dismantle her.

Thank you for recharging my power cells, Vanessa.

My pleasure, Andy.

If there is anything I can do for you, just ask. That won't be necessary.

I insist.

I mean it won't be necessary to ask. You see, I now control your every movement.

What did you say? Let me demonstrate.

What's happening?

I'm not raising my arms. I am now, and you are my slave.

Does this mean I'm in a pickle?

You bet your capacitors you're in a pickle. Would it influence you at all if

told you I was an orphan?

Ficus, is it possible to disconnect Vanessa?

It's difficult to say, Commander.

What would you suppose?

It could be done, and it could not be done. Ficus, Commander, thanks a

A million what? Ficus, will you get off it and let the commander finish?

It could be a million goats, a million lemons, a million... All right, all

right. I'm going to get the tools to disconnect Vanessa.

Everybody protect me. Don't let on. Keep Vanessa busy.

You got it? Let's go. Commander, yesterday I argued that machines would

better commanders than humans.

Since then, I've seen your entire crew turn on you in a pinch. You've been

ejected from your spaceship and spun through space. You've landed in the

bin. In fact, I've seen you thoroughly disgraced and humiliated.

I'm familiar with the story, Ficus.

What's your point? The human element is necessary in a commander.

I was wrong.

Thank you, Ficus.

It takes a big vegeton to admit a mistake.

I mean, what other animal would go through such utter humiliation and still

think he's important?

Ficus? Commander.

Thanks a million.

A million what?

Ficus? What is that?

Most probably a deadly gas.

Fortunately, Commander, I was wrong.

That is somnogenic gas coming through the air vents.

Vanessa, I'm afraid we'll all be asleep in a...

Time to put on your space jammies, Clark.

And go night -night.

a fool, Quark. You can't win.

I'm the ultimate computer. You're just a man.

Good looking, but still just a man.

Get your hands off my panel, Quark. You're not my type. I'm warning you.

You're warning me? You've given out your last warning, Vanessa.

That's where you're wrong, Andy.

Get him.

I must destroy you.

Vanessa is consulting me. Andy, stop.

Personally, I think you're swell. Andy, get back.

I'm not really this courageous.

I've got to shut you off. I'm sorry.

I did it.

Are you sure you want to do this, Quark? You'd be losing one heck of a gal.

You know, Adam, that new starship you want to command, I can get it for you. I

have the head, ear.

Adam, listen to me. I'm very entertaining.

I tap dance, tell risque stories.

I do bird calls.

Take me away from all this.

Me could make me a dog.

Adam, don't let me go.

Don't let me go.

Quark, you could make a fortune with your look.

Beautiful, Quark. Beautiful. I can't wait to tell Dr. Evans between you and

she needed something like this.

Um, how are you, Quark? My crew was gassed, I've been pushed out of my ship,

Andy tried to murder me.

Frankly, I've been better.

But do you know what you proved, Quark? Do you know what you proved? You proved

that man can prevail over machine.

I told you man wasn't obsolete.

Oh, excuse me.

Love you, Tanya.

Happy number 11.

Quark, you're beautiful. And I want you to know the head and I are very...

Palindrome, does that mean you'll give me a good assignment now?

What's that, Quark? I'm sorry. We must have a bad connection. I've got to get

back to the party. Things are going crazy without me. Palindrome, my next

assignment. Oh, thank you. Thank you for reminding me.

You're to proceed to Space Station Zork.

They had a number 11 party there you wouldn't believe, and there are space

baggies everywhere.

But, Palindrome... Gotta go, Quark.

Happy number 11.

Palindrome, wait.

Happy number 11.

Happy number 11 to all.

Born free and life is worth living,

but only worth living.

Thank you.