Original subtitles

Yes, I'm Commander Quark.

You're Freddy Estro?

Of course I remember your dad. I babysat for you when you were 12 feet tall.

That was a long time ago.

My goodness, you've really shortened well.

I'll bet you hear that all the time.

How old are you now?

13 years old.

And you're just out of the cadets and you're going to get your first

huh?

There's nothing to worry about.

Good morning, Commander Walker.

We're just in time for the briefing.

The time for the briefing, sir, is zero, niner, four, two, exactly.

Don't let Walker scare you.

Commanders, you may enter.

Excuse me.

Don't slouch. I have this theory.

In facing the head, it depends on how you stand.

If he senses any weakness, he won't give you a good assignment.

Knock it off, Quark. Nobody likes you, Walker.

Well, commanders, let's see what the head has in store for us today. Shall

Commander Walker.

Yes, sir. You will be my representative at the Ambrosia Tasting Festival.

I'd go myself, but Ambrosia goes straight to my head.

Yes, sir. It will be done, sir.

Stand up straight.

Commander Estro, as you know, space is the final frontier.

Yours is a five -day mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new

civilizations.

Not bad to go exploring on your very first assignment.

And Quark, we have reason to believe that the dreaded Gorgons are behind a

dastardly plot concerning the planet Columbus.

Your mission is to determine why no person has ever returned from Columbus

alive.

It's a task you could call suicidal.

Suicidal? Good luck. The galaxy ad infinitum.

Palindrome!

Oh, Dick, let me help you with that. Sorry.

No, I don't mind suicide missions.

You did well, Fred.

No, your posture was very good. Say hi to your dad.

Get together if I'm alive. That's cute, Fred.

Cute.

Why me?

Because you're the best, Bork. That's why.

If I'm the best, why am I still shooting around the galaxy in a used garbage

ship? Why don't I have the best starship?

There are some missions for which a starship would be too obvious, too fast,

powerful. But who'd suspect an out -of -date garbage scowl with obsolete

and a crew that is, how should I put it, unique?

Palindrome, eight commanders have been sent to investigate Columbus.

All of them have mysteriously disappeared, vanished right out of the

Do you know why those eight others never returned?

Bad attitude.

Palindrome, please.

No, I'm not... kidding, Quark. I'm absolutely serious. It's a question of

attitude. Oh, sure, we've all heard the same stories.

Black holes, space warps, anti -universes. Anti -universes? There you

Quark. Watch that negative attitude.

Palindrome, we've got to have a talk.

Oh, no time to talk now, Quark. No time to chat.

Now, here is your Palumbus navigational plan.

Now, I want you to return that cassette when you get back. It's the last one we

have. Can you at least give me a clue why no one has ever come back alive?

We don't know. No one's ever come back to tell us. So what makes you so sure

that I'll come back? Or would I ask you to return my only copy of this cassette

if I didn't think you'd be coming back?

Well, no. I guess not.

Of course not.

No, do.

How's our supply of Columbus Navigational Cassettes?

That many? Oh, we're in great shape.

Star note.

We are now orbiting Columbus, a planet nobody has ever returned from.

It could be very crowded down there.

According to statistical analysis, the odds against any of us leaving the

surface of Columbus alive are 1 ,000 to 1. Those odds are good enough for me,

Commander. I'm ready. Gene, you can best serve the mission and the Confederation

by staying aboard.

I want you to ready the ship for an escape at a moment's notice.

But, Commander... Spacehead, Spacehead, the Commander's afraid you'll get him

killed down there. Just a little robot joke.

As this is a suicide mission, I can't order any of you to come with me. I can

only ask for volunteers. As a vegeton, death holds no threat to me. I don't

the meaning of the word fear.

Ask me.

I'll explain it.

We'll go, Adam. To die with you would be so romantic.

I'd do anything for the chance to die with you, Adam. Thank you both, but

hopefully it won't be that romantic.

Oh, Commander, this just isn't fair. We finally get a good suicide mission, and

I gotta hang up here with this little cowardly hunk of metal. I'm not

Cowards live longer.

Gene, you'll do as I say.

You can't do this to me, Commander. I need action.

Knowing that you guys are down there being up here, I'm telling you, I'll go

crazy. You'll be fine, Gene.

I guess I will, Commander. I'll just catch up on my letter writing and do my

nails.

That's fine, Gene.

All right, are we ready?

Bettys?

We follow you to the ends of the universe.

I would follow you to the door.

to transport down.

Jane, transport down.

Why?

Follow me.

Ficus, what was that?

Hard to say, Commander. It only appeared for a millisecond. Well, take a shot at

it. Taking a shot at it, I'd say it was a man.

Forty -five years of age, brown hair, dark eyes, six feet tall, 165 pounds,

a slight scar behind the right ear. Ficus, what is his... He holds the

Medal of Honor.

What is his... He graduated fifth in his class from the Academy, and he sleeps

in a Pilmar nightshirt. What's the man's name?

Commander, I only saw him for a millisecond.

What should we do, Adam?

Let's find that man.

Sir, now what? Look.

Who are they, Ficus?

Hopefully they're Colombians or brainless arithmetic greedy.

Betty, come back.

Betty, I feel like dancing.

Me too, Betty.

Ficus, what's going on? I believe it's what you animals call dancing. I know

that. But why?

Perhaps the Bettys are dancing to the beat of a different drummer.

Ficus.

What do you make of that? A most fascinating phenomenon, but one which

the mind facing a myriad of possibilities, alternatives, and

are at best strictly hypothetical with no sound basis in fact.

In other words, you don't know.

That's what I said.

Gene, Andy, transport the beddies up to the ship immediately.

Andy?

I'm going to the bridge.

Oh, Andy, don't go. We need you to transport us down again.

I can't do that. The commander would be angry.

Not even for me?

Nope. Don't I always charge your cells, Andy?

Yes, you do that. And don't I always service your conductors?

I get that point.

Thanks, Andy.

They only love me for my parts.

Are you all right, sir?

It appears Columbus has very unusual wildlife.

It might help to think of familiar space creatures, such as the deer, the

Voltarian kibble, and the banshee.

Well, she's no banshee.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

There he is.

Captain, Captain, it's Adam Quark. You're safe. I've come to rescue you.

From what? This, uh, planet.

Why? It's my job.

Do it someplace else, Quark.

I've never been happier in my life.

I have a Zelda.

The best food. The best weather.

No worries.

And I'm not the only one.

Look over there.

Recognize Dr. Pallet?

Developer of the Acton Ray?

Or Frank Hoffman? The man who discovered the Quandrex Galaxy?

Sir, they were reported lost in this area three star years ago.

But then we found the Limbicon.

The Limbicon?

What's the Limbicon?

You must experience the Limbicon, Quark. A mere mortal can never fully convey

the power and the majesty of the Limbicon.

If one should desire to perform an ocular reconnaissance of this

Stay on this road.

The Limbicon is in the Sacred Valley, just beyond the Roddenberry Bush.

Wait. Wait!

Commander, be careful. I sense that something on this planet has the power

cloud our minds.

Cloud our minds?

I believe the captain and those others fell victim to E over M to the seventh

power to equal the cosine of Y squared.

But what is Y minus T over seven when divided by Q plus seven?

Four over Z to the 21st.

You have a strong grasp of familiality.

Where did she go?

I know you, don't I?

Oh.

Work here.

Commander, this is Gene.

Wes, I can't hear you.

He's all tied up.

Commander, are you all right?

Couldn't be better.

Well, sir, it seems to me that you've forgotten your mission. I'm coming down

there. I think you need my help.

There we are, Gene.

That's an order.

That's disgusting.

That is really disgusting.

Look at that, will you?

Change the frequency.

There's a better show on 195.

I can't believe it. We finally get a good suicide mission and he's down there

doing mushy stuff.

I'm going to transport down.

Gene, many robots would take advantage of being left alone on a ship and

their programmers.

But you can count on me. It will be work, work, work.

I thought he'd never leave.

Commander Quark, get a hold of yourself.

Interspace operator, get me perma one number 6596 -1985.

I'd like to speak to Mandy.

This is Mandy.

Hello, Mandy. This is Andy.

Hello, Andy. This is Mandy.

The crew's running around down on some planet. I wish you were here. You don't

need me. You have the Betty.

Don't be jealous, Mandy. It's bad for your electrodes.

My electrodes are my business. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sir.

Sir, you're obviously crazy. I'm taking over command of this mission.

Hello, Gene.

This is Gene.

Ma 'am.

Commander, we've got a job to do and you're fooling around with a bundle of

space fluff.

No offense, ma 'am.

Gene is our chief engineer.

Commander, you're in danger.

Gene, relax.

This is a fun place.

Kralix Warriors?

Who? They're from Zoltar Meets the Kralix Warriors.

Are you a Zoltar fan, Commander? That's a kid's story. Me too. It's my favorite.

Gotta reach Permo One.

Maybe they can tell me about the Limbicon.

Andy, come in.

Don't be silly, Mandy.

The Bettys are only human. What do they know about life?

Do you mean it, Andy? Yes, Betty. Betty!

I have made a Freudian slip. Come in, Andy.

We take it apart with our bare hands!

June, come in, Andy. Please.

Andy and June.

Andy, come on, please.

Andy, I have to check in with the commander. Please forgive me for calling

Betty. Well... Please, Betty.

What? Oops.

I am not on top of my game.

The sine of B plus X to the seventh equals the tangent of R.

Oh.

But only when taken to the...

Full magnitude of be over.

Sex and violence, that's all you get on this thing.

Those guys ever run out of laser flash?

They never did until Zoltar meets the Kralix Warriors.

Andy, I've had a devil of a time reaching you. Is anything wrong?

Everything is, hunky -dory.

I was concerned that Quark might be caught up in whatever it is on that

that's causing people to disappear.

Does Quark have any idea what that might be?

The commander's deep into it. Ah, then you think he's hopeful I'm the thing to

be wrapped up shortly, huh? You can depend on me.

Good. The head will be very pleased.

Oh, my.

I could be in big trouble, but only if the commander survives.

See?

Oh, brother.

Yes, little ranger, it's Zoltar the Magnificent. Commander, it's Zoltar the

Magnificent. That's not really Zoltar. Zoltar is a character in a story

cassette. 25 different story cassettes, to be exact, with sales well over 10

billion copies.

Terrific. Second in sales only to the Earth's Bible and Feebar the Fool. I'd

love to discuss literature with you.

There is danger.

Quick, isn't he? What's going on here?

Commander, don't worry. Zoltar will save us. Like to save the aliens and Zoltar

meets the Kralax Warriors?

Well, actually, sir, they were all wiped out. Hold it. I'm not putting my life

into the hands of a character designed to appeal to the mind of a nine -year

-old.

Sotar, lead the way.

We must fight them. You must fight them. I must reach the Limbicon.

We must either fight them or give them the woman. The woman? Yes, that's what

makes the Kralix warriors so fierce.

You see, Commander, there are no Kralix women.

I love you, Adam.

Don't let them take me.

Okay, let's fight them.

Come on, you lousy warriors!

Come and get us! What's the matter, you guys? Chicken, come on, you red -booted

weasels! Come on! Gene, they're already frustrated. Don't make them mad.

Good little ranger.

I don't believe this. My life is a comic book.

What's happening? They disappeared.

He's out cold.

I hit him.

What was it Ficus said about something on this planet clouding men's minds?

Are you alright?

Yes.

What's wrong, Adam? I do know you.

You're Diane from my academy days.

I loved you, but I could never get you away from Harry Lanigan.

Well, you've got me now.

But this can't be. You must be a fantasy.

That's it.

Ficus was right.

Zoltar was Gene's fantasy. That girl with the captain was his fantasy. And

scientists, now I know why they worship the Limbicon.

It makes all your fantasies come true.

They all found paradise here.

You can too, Adam. Z to the 7th divided by 2 to the 4th.

will produce a hypermorphic parabola. And when Z is changed to G,

the parabola becomes a rhomboid.

I must find the Limbicon. My crew could be trapped here forever.

I have to think about my mission and the future of the galaxy.

I love you, Adam. This is absurd.

You're only a figment of my imagination.

I always did have a great imagination.

You've got the kind of arms a girl could get lost in. You're so masculine.

Really? Am I the most heroic man you've ever met?

Uh -huh.

Except for Harry Lanigan. Harry Lanigan? I can't even have a fantasy without him

coming along to louse it up. I'm just a reflection of your mind, Adam.

If I say that Harry Lanigan is heroic, it's because you think so.

I suppose you're right. You know, you looked just as you did when I first met

you. I wonder what happened to the real Diane.

She married Harry Lanigan.

How do we look?

Light passes through the retina to an optic nerve.

No, how does our dancing look?

Dancing has no vision.

We're talking about the quality of our dancing. What do you think?

Oh, I misunderstood.

The quality of your dancing.

Very bad.

Plant!

You know, I never really wanted to be a teacher.

Y over Z to the seventh.

Equals T over 4 to the N.

Again? We haven't even gotten to calculus.

So that's the limbicon.

You can't destroy it, Adam. I must.

I'll stay with you forever. I'll never grow old, I promise.

I'll rub your back.

I'll be waiting your every return.

I love you every minute of the day. I don't want a love slave. I want a woman

who's my intellectual equal. You do?

Remember, I'm not making this stuff up.

You felt something, didn't you?

It doesn't matter what I feel.

I have a job to do.

And a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Oh, Adam, you can't do it.

What will it be, Adam?

A life of eternal bliss with me?

Or the safety of the galaxy?

Eternal bliss.

Maybe the galaxy could get along.

Nobody's going to miss a few scientists.

If you pull that trigger, you'll destroy heaven.

What am I thinking?

I must destroy the Limbicon.

Diane, please, step out of the way.

Take one last look, Adam.

No palindrome appreciates what I'm doing.

Hi. Diane.

Diane.

Thank you, Madam Fork.

Hello. Uh, there was this girl here.

My name is Listera. I'm queen of the clay people. The clay people?

Yes. We're the true inhabitants of this planet. Uh, this girl, you didn't happen

to notice which way she... The Limbicon was left here by the Gorgons to drain

all scientific knowledge from the minds of those who were trapped here. Yeah.

Uh, you couldn't miss a tall girl, dark hair, pretty, very pretty. For

centuries, my people have had the power to turn fantasies into reality.

A power we used only for good. The Gorgons left the Limbicon here to

people. And to use our power for their own evil ends.

That doesn't mean that you... I am the girl that you knew as Diane.

Well, now I know why everyone hates the Gorgons. You were the only one who was

ever strong enough to destroy the Limbicon.

It was your bravery that freed me from the prison of Diane's body. Diane's

I know. I promised to go with you.

Oh, well.

We all make promises.

And I'm willing to keep that promise.

Sometimes in the heat of passion, people say things.

Andy, transport me up right now.

Because of you, I know what it is to be loved.

Well, you know how those things are. You're all alone on a planet. Andy,

Will you hate me if I choose to stay with my people? Hate you?

You're a queen.

It would be wrong of me to separate a queen from her people.

The next time I give you an order to stay aboard, follow it.

Yes, sir.

Sorry about the punch.

I still think it was out of line, Commander. You know how I abhor physical

violence.

I had a fascinating experience on Columbus.

It left me rather stimulated. Quite puzzling. Could it concern the lady we

you with?

Perhaps. The first time can be puzzling.

I better contact Perma One.

Palindrome, I did it. I'm returning from Columbus, and I'm alive.

You're beautiful, Quark.

Palindrome, I had to destroy paradise.

You destroyed paradise?

That's wonderful.

You'd better hurry back. I'll have the space medics ready.

But you don't understand.

I had to destroy my dream girl. Dream girl?

Hurry, Quark. The doctors will be waiting.

Palindrome?

Palindrome?

Goodbye, Diane Goodbye, Columbus

thank you