Original subtitles

Oh, come on, Zink. You're a good -looking guy.

Every species has trouble with commitment.

Take it from me, there are plenty more Gravulites where she came from.

Anytime, fella.

Palindrome! Oh, Warwick, I'd like you to meet Commander Kroll. He just got back

from defeating a Bloton brigade.

Of course, Commander Kroll. I read about that in the periodical. And this is

Commander Stark. She just finished stealing the Gorgon defense plan.

Commander Stark, I've always wanted to meet you. I read about your efforts in

Primal Report.

What have you been doing, Commander Quark?

Ah, gee, well, I've been reading about you guys a lot.

Bork commands our garbage ship. He's very good at it. Oh, so you're in

No. That must be very, uh, interesting.

Well, not really. There's not a lot to say.

Tell him about the time you couldn't get your garbage hatch to open, so you had

to go down there personally with your space tools.

Well, palindrome, I don't think these two really... Actually, it was kind

You see, I couldn't get my hatch open, so I had to get my own. It is getting

late, palindrome.

Oh, that's right, yes. The head will be waiting.

Come, Fork.

See the darn hatch.

Well, Fork, you'll just have to tell the commanders your story some other time.

I can't wait.

Commander Crow, you will feed the hostages on the planet Novosel.

Commander Stark, you will destroy the runaway comet.

Insectal tree and quark.

Garbage. The galaxy ad infinitum.

Star note. My mission to boldly seek out grime and grit. To collect the

uncollectible space baggie. To always leave the area cleaner than when I found

it.

Come here.

I gotta talk to you about Ficus. What about Ficus, Gene?

I don't know. I just don't know. What do you think?

I didn't bring it up, Gene. I really don't know what you're trying to say.

Me too.

Like this morning, he had a gauge in his ear.

Although I should learn to be more tolerant.

Ficus is weird.

Ficus is weird.

Adam, what do you think of my new outfit?

What do you think of my new outfit?

They're very nice.

Ficus, what do you think of the Betty's new outfits?

They would appear to be 20 % film art, 50 % helium, with a certain amount of...

Ficus! Forget the fabric content.

What's your opinion?

Excuse me, I misunderstood.

They're terrible.

Ficus!

Insensitive plant.

Ficus, even if you didn't like their outfits, you should have said something

nice. But, Commander, that would be a lie.

I mean, where can they possibly hold their gamma guns or protect themselves

the heat and cold? Look how little material there is. I know. You see,

Humans sometimes lie in order to protect feelings.

That's true, Commander.

But protected feelings are false feelings. That's true, Ficus. But to

false feelings feel good.

Say, Ficus, why is there a gauge on your ear?

Well... Commander, I'm picking up something on my scanner. I can't make it

The ship has just bumped into ultralight. Something out there is

forward. Why, Ficus?

Sir, are you referring as to why the gauge on my ear or why this phenomenon

occurring? The phenomenon, Ficus. I thought so.

I must point out that my calculations are not complete as this problem has

surfaced. Ficus, give it to me straight.

Giving it to you straight. All signs point to us being sucked into a black

I don't want to be sucked into a black hole.

Ficus, are we in big trouble? The biggest.

We're in quasi -norm. Relax, Gene. We've been sucked into a black hole.

I don't want to be sucked into a black hole. That's what I said.

Oh, grot. Don't swear, Andy. I'd rather be a maid.

Quikus, in your estimation, can the ship handle this pressure?

No.

Is this one of those times I should have lied?

Yes. I thought so.

Couldn't we activate the scanner and see what the inside of a black hole looks

like?

Activate scanner.

Commander, I've dreamt of dying my whole life, but not in a black hole. Let's

slingshot out of here. Gene, I'll give the orders.

Commander, for your own good, I'm taking over command of this ship. Gene, stop

it. Ficus, let me know when the pressure reaches zero. Commander, you're not

listening to me. I said I'm declaring you unfit to command.

Gene, not in the middle of a black hole.

I'm sorry, Commander.

I didn't mean to question your authority.

That's all right, Jean.

Must have been a blow to your male ego.

You've all been in space too long.

Sir, the pressure's approaching zero. There's nothing we can do. The ship will

explode any second.

Explode? I don't want to explode.

Adam, look how beautiful it is.

Isn't it romantic, Adam?

Romantic? What do you mean, romantic? Let's get out of here.

But it is beautiful.

Look at all those pretty colors. Colors? Who gives a space wallop about colors?

Let's blast out of here. Attention does strange things to you, doesn't it, Gene?

Everything does strange things to Gene, Adam. Sir, look. The pressure's coming

back. We must be passing through the black hole.

Bugis! We're going to live!

Starship Maya, this is Adam Quark, standing by to receive your garbage.

Prepare to eject load.

Roger. We have you on our scanner, Quark.

Opening hatches.

Prepare to receive load.

What's going on? It sounds asleep.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Enunciate.

You mean the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is here?

Oh, boy. If Admiral Flint's around, this must be big.

Admiral Flint.

Uh, we're waiting, palindrome.

Oh, yes, Admiral Flynn. Uh, what seems to be the problem? I demand an audience

with the head.

Oh, I couldn't bother the head at this hour without knowing why.

Palindrome, you get me the head.

Now, on the other hand, you wouldn't want the head without good reason.

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir. Were you thinking?

What else can I do, palindrome? I'm not that good an athlete.

Oh, not that good an athlete.

Admiral Flint here. What is it, Admiral?

The finest ship in my fleet.

The battleship Maya has been obliterated, knocked out of the galaxy,

to know who did it. I think we should take everything we've got and throw it

against him. I want this animal caught.

Yeah, Admiral Flint.

Adam Quark is one of the most alert, wide awake, aware, on top of it

in our entire fleet. And you should see how active he keeps his crew.

Yes, they're always ready for any situation.

tireless magicians of space and muck.

Ficus, see who's calling us. Yes, sir.

Oh, and Ficus, why is that gauge in your ear?

Because it is imperative that I... Mort, you are to return to Perma One at once.

Palindrome, you seem awfully serious. Is something wrong?

Look at him, playing innocent.

You traitor!

Traitor? What are you talking about? We've just taken our naps.

Oh, look at him, taking a nap.

Admit it, you're a Gorgon sympathizer.

Who was that?

Quark, the Maya's been blown up and they say you did it. What?

That's ridiculous.

We haven't even reached the Maya yet.

You haven't even reached the... Quark, watch this scan back.

Can you explain that, Quark?

Palindrome, I... Quark, return to Perma One. That's an order.

I don't understand. I saw it, but I don't believe it.

I love you all, but if there is any trouble at Perma One, I've never seen

you before in my life.

Pipe down.

We've got to stick by the commander's hour of need.

Thank you, Gene.

I appreciate that. Yeah, at least until we get you back to Perma One for your

court -martial.

Adam, was it really you who blew up the Maya?

No. I mean, yes, I mean...

Ficus, this is just a thought, but could it be possible that passing through

that black hole in any way caused this to happen?

I cannot be sure for certain, but in my personal opinion, I'm certain that I'm

not sure. Ficus, what does that mean? Can't you just say yes or no?

Yes. Yes what?

Yes, I can say yes or no.

I know we didn't blow up that ship.

I'm innocent.

Quark in the second grade. I would like permission to read it and enter it

officially into the record. Permission granted.

Thank you, sir.

In the second grade, Quark wrote the following.

My daddy is big and strong.

He always talks about the evil Gorgons. I think they sound funny.

Funny? The Gorgon? Funny?

I see nothing humorous about the arch enemies of our universe and our way of

life. with freedom and justice for all.

Well, Admiral Clint, Quark was seven years old.

The Gorgons get them young, palindrome.

Oh, never thought of that. Get them young? Of course, sir. Just knowing

are men like you makes me feel secure.

Oh, quiet, palindrome.

I could go on and on, but is there any doubt in this room that Quark is a

sympathizer? No!

Would anyone care to speak in favor of Quark?

Well, Quark doesn't go around blowing up ships.

He's not that creative.

I've just learned that Quark has destroyed my battleship Luna. I demand

-out attack on Quark. This doesn't sound like Quark.

but I'm afraid I don't have much choice.

Silence! Quark has served the United Galaxy well. His mind must have snapped.

Space does strange things to men.

Perhaps the strain of too many garbage runs. We shall have a moment of silence

in Quark's honor.

All right, Clint. Blow Quark out of the universe.

Is the gauge doing in your ear?

Interesting you should ask that, Gene.

You see, as a vegeton, there are certain requirements that I have. Commander,

I'm picking up another ship.

Identification? It looks like United Galaxy Sanitation Patrol ship.

Sir, its markings are exactly the same as ours.

Bring their commander up on the telescreen.

Jump in spaces. That's you, Commander.

Star note.

This has been a very unusual day.

I guess.

What's going on? It's obvious, Commander.

Yeah, well, it ain't to me.

That black hole we passed through was an anti -universe.

What you're seeing is your opposite, your anti -self.

Anti -self?

I thought it was tough being a transmute. Commander, from what I've

I'd say you're face to face with evil Adam Quark.

Listen to the plant, Quark.

I'm going to destroy you.

Look at that coward run.

I've always hated Quark.

This time, victory will be mine.

I heard this before, Adam. Your good side always lips you, baby. Always.

Not this time, clone.

I ain't no clone.

I don't understand this. What's going on around here?

It's obvious, Gene. What we're seeing is the classic example of the molestarian

theory of duplication caused by the divisibility of Spolmedic space.

That explanation makes me... What's wrong with you?

Commander, let's chop ficus up into a little salad. Gene, if anyone chops up

ficus, it'll be me.

I can't stand it anymore. I gotta kill something.

Then start with Quark.

I want six KM -190s to go after Quark.

Right here.

Six KM -190s? Admiral Flint, be reasonable. Quark commands a garbage

Make a note of that.

Autopel and drone defending a Gorgon sympathizer during an emergency.

What?

Gorg is calling me?

I'll take him to the office.

Make a note of that, too.

It wasn't me. It was my evil side.

Your evil side?

Yes. I'm in a battle with myself right now. You're in a battle with yourself?

I told him you weren't a Gorgon, Quark. Crazy yes, Gorgon no. I wasn't sure if

you were going to believe me. I told him you needed a little time off, a little

rest. But oh no, Admiral Flint has to send the entire fleet out to destroy

They're going to destroy me?

Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you, Quark. That slipped out.

Palindrome, you've got to stop them. Oh, promise me you won't tell.

I could get into big trouble.

You could get in big trouble. I'm going to be destroyed.

Quark. Do you know what's at stake here?

Yes, my life.

Something much more important, my job.

You've got to help me. I'm telling you, I'm attacking myself at this very

moment. Quark, please.

Calendrome, if you don't defend me, I'm going to tell about your little slip

-off. Quark, I can't go in there and tell them about your evil side. They'll

think I'm crazy. It's a terrible career move.

Quark. Quark, don't do this to me.

While being attacked by myself, I've learned that all the forces of the

Galaxy have been sent to destroy me.

It's moments like this that make me realize it isn't very pretty what a

without pity can do.

Star note.

Being out of the black hole is fun. I can't remember being this loose and

Adam has an evil thigh. You never told us, Adam.

How exciting.

Ficus, program maneuver plan red.

Yes, sir. Gene, give me as much power as you can. Yes, sir. Ficus, program

attack plan red.

Yes, sir.

Gene, give me more power or I'll break your face.

Commander, you're such a space head. I'm taking over command of this ship.

Try it, transmute, and you're space jelly.

It's no use. We're both making the same moves at the same time. It's like

shooting into a mirror.

Betty, get me Commander Quark.

Well, what else should I call him? He's coming up on the screen, Commander.

Quark? Quark, if this battle continues, we are both going to lose.

We'll blow each other up. You're breaking my heart.

It's not me I'm worried about. It's my crew.

Maybe we should get together and have a dance.

Don't you wise off to the commander like that.

Gene. I don't care if you're on the commander's evil side. You don't scare

Gene, I... You try anything and we'll spot that ugly face of yours from here

ask folks for. You got that? Gene, you're talking about my face.

Oh, sorry.

Quirk, I propose that we meet face to face. Just you and me. That's right.

We'll meet at a neutral spot.

The Phalax asteroid.

One on one.

Exactly. And no weapons.

I like it.

A fight to the death on the Phylax asteroid.

A fight to the death?

I didn't say a fight to the death. I said a meeting.

We're closing in on Quark. One minute.

Everybody, everybody, can I have your attention, please? Just for a minute,

please.

Well, things aren't always what they seem.

Life's funny that way.

Life's funny that way. Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say is that everybody has

a good side and an evil side.

Good and evil?

I'm dying, aren't I, sir?

Yes, Palindrome.

Well, I tried.

Admiral Flint, I'm closing in on Quark.

Nail him, Jordan, nail him. But, Admiral, there's a problem. There are

quarks. Two quarks?

Admiral, hold your fire till we get to the bottom of this.

Hold my fire?

Hold my fire?

I've got six KM -190s, two Z -240s, and eight photon death cruisers. Now, what

do you want them to do, have a prayer breakfast?

Admiral, I order you to hold your fire.

Oh, but you heard Quark's essay. The man's obviously a Gorgon. Flint, you're

much.

The next thing I know, you'll be accusing me of being a Gorgon.

Check up and see if you can find any of the his old essays, would you?

Did anyone hear me say a fight to the death? Oh, Adam, this is the bravest

any man has ever done. To think that I can tell people that I once knew Adam

Quark, a man who fought a fight to the death. I never said a fight to the

I said a meeting.

Resolve our conflicts in open and honest discussion.

Ficus. Yes, Gene.

Define the issues.

Throw the switch.

Come to terms.

Chat with each other. Get to know one another as people. A mutual ground on

which to base an understanding.

Quark, you're not being fair.

All right, Quark.

I couldn't be more fair than this.

Choose your weapon, gun or dagger.

All right, that's better. The gamma gun. Good choice, Quark.

Hello. Don't hello me, you creaky bucket of volts.

I hear a familiar voice.

How's this for a familiar voice?

Are you my evil side?

I ain't a toaster, you goody -goody droid. Thanks for clearing that up. You

a pitiful, creaky excuse for an android.

I agree completely.

Come on, Bettys, we'll watch the commander on the telescreen.

I wouldn't go near there.

Bettys, us!

You know, I thought you space bimbos were lame.

Wait a minute, you can't talk to our Bettys that way.

I happen to like it. Who you calling a space bimbo, bimbo?

I didn't say that, you did. This is a fascinating experience, isn't it?

Greetings. Yes, it's very interesting to clear up many of the questions I've had

regarding the effects of Manifian logic on the construction of... Fight, yes!

...when applied to deodetic conforms. Fight, yes!

Exactly.

What's going on? You like your evil side? Correction, Gene.

There are no good or evil plants.

There are only plants.

Lasting you was going to be a pleasure, Quark.

Inside of me, I've always hated the good side.

I'm going to get you or my name is...

Now it's my turn to get even for all those times you got me into trouble at

educational center by writing bad words on the walls.

You didn't even have to spell them. I did, too. You did not.

Liar.

Churchgoer. Villain.

Hero.

Get up.

I knew you didn't have it in you.

I would have pulled that trigger without batting an eye. That's what separates

you and me.

I have character, strength.

Moral fiber, yes.

Which is why you're no fun at parties.

I don't have to take any more from you. I've got the gun.

Call your crew and have them beam us up to your ship.

So, Quark, what now?

I dismantle your weapon systems and your reactor, and I send you back to your

black hole, Quark.

Maybe we can work out a deal.

No deals, Quark.

Where I come from...

We believe that goodness and honesty are burdened, not deceit and villainy.

How cute.

Goodness will always triumph over evil. It's the foundation of our confederacy.

I'd rather be dead than hear this. Wherever men strive to help their fellow

wherever one lonely voice cries out, I'm beginning to get homesick for my black

hole. Don't worry, Quark.

You'll be home soon enough.

Transport me aboard, Gene.

We're taking these guys back in.

Betty, how's the tractor beam holding up?

Tractor beam on target, Commander.

We're approaching the black hole, Commander.

We're here, Commander.

All right.

Let her go!

Starnut, keep your deflectors up, do -gooder. You haven't seen the last of

face.

Hey! Hey,

I'm one proud space jockey, Commander. You were mighty tough with that guy.

Well, Gene...

Sometimes you just have to be firm with yourself.

Palindrome. Smooth, Clark.

Very smooth.

But I smell Gorgies. And one of these days you're going to slip, and then I'll

crush you.

Do I know you?

You a Gorgon? That's ridiculous.

Sorry, Dink. We're committed.

Yes, Quark?

I'm sorry about all this trouble.

You're sorry?

Just for destroying two of our finest ships? For costing us over three billion

round ones?

These things happen in space.

What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

Ficus, for the last time, why the gauge in the air?

Well, it's very simple.

You see, this time of year, vegetans have a tendency to lose their moisture,

causing my legs and lower torso to become brown and brittle.

Your torso becomes brown and brittle? If I'm not careful, yes.

This gauge monitors my moisture content.

And here's the interesting point.

You see, by alternating my interpithers with my outer... Again with the big

words! I am able to perform a punctuary symbiotic... But what a remarkable

vocabulary.

And four, if I were in your shoes, I'd have dropped this whole crew off down

black hole.

Star note, I admit they may be somewhat unique, but they are mine.

You're the clone.

I'm not the clone.

The other hand, I personally would put it...