Original subtitles

All in favor of making the flounder the official town fish, say aye.

Aye. Nay.

I think the bullfrog should be the official town fish.

George, bullfrogs are amphibians. Well, we can be flexible. We made the flying

squirrel a town bird.

We're going with the flounder.

For the reason why we're here, to celebrate the 216th anniversary...

For the rest of today's anniversary celebrations are as follows.

At three, we meet at the water fountain at Six Years Young today.

At five, our Johnny Cake Community Theater will present Fiddler on the

Mr. Takodachi, would you like to come to the play? There's still a few hundred

seats left.

Yeah, you'll like Fiddler. Especially the song Too Rife, Too Rife, Rahayim.

I was going to enter the video of the ugly American, but I would be

honored to attend.

Well, that concludes the anniversary celebration. I'll see you at the

at three. Before you go, I have a proposition.

I have only been a visitor in your town for a week, but I have fallen in love

with its beauty.

Now, my proposition is this.

I'd like to buy your town and turn it into a golf course.

Oh, we're sorry, but we love this little village of ours too much to sell.

No, Mr. Tagodachi, this is one town you cannot buy.

I'll give you one million dollars for each home. Bring on the freaking

bulldozer.

What happened to loving our little village?

I mean, we've only been here eight years on it, and I wouldn't think of leaving.

Oh, come on, Dick. This place is a hellhole.

We'll be by your homes later with the contracts out.

Well,

you know, I guess for people who name the flying squirrel the town bird, this

par for the course. But I know we're not selling our inn.

Okay, we build around you.

You say hello and we say goodbye.

We're out of this village of the darned.

We sold WPIV to Mr. T and now we're rich, rich, rich.

So I guess you won't be staying on as our maid.

Oh, right. Then I could have the best of both worlds. I could be a millionaire

and clean toilets.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

No hug or anything?

Well, Joanna, it isn't proper for an employee to hug her employer.

We're more than just employee and employer.

We're friends.

We are?

Well, you should have said something sooner.

I wouldn't have bad -mouthed you so much behind your back.

Goodbye, Joanna.

Goodbye, Stephanie.

Goodbye, Dick.

Farewell. Dear Loudons, pray may I nuzzle your napes that I might remember

scent.

Seems like a reasonable request.

Adios, my Jojo.

Goodbye, Michael.

Adios, my Dick Dick.

Michael, stop crying or I'll cut your nuzzling time short.

I've come to say goodbye now that I'm rich, rich, rich.

Would you like to smell us before you go?

Okay.

George, I didn't know you had property to sell.

I bought a few acres years ago. I was going to build Utley Land, an amusement

park for handymen.

Then I sobered up and... I realized it was

an idiotic idea.

Look, I'm not, you know, very good at goodbyes, but I'm really

going to miss you guys. You hear that, Steph? He's begging us for a group hug.

He sure is.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

That

was

so good.

Oh, come on. Let's do it again.

Okay.

Well, my comrades, I...

Guess it's time for us to leave our little village of Anatevka.

Anatevka, Anatevka, underfed... What

the hell is going on

here? See, Dick, in Fiddler on the Roof, all the people who live in the little

town... Ivana Tepka, are forced to leave because the evil czar is... Oh, heck,

just enjoy the show.

Yeah, it's not often you get to see an all -millionaire production of us.

I play Fyatka, the Russian goy who marries Kava.

Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl. We

are going to Chicago, America.

We have an uncle there.

Sometime maybe we'll meet on a happier occasion.

Meanwhile, we suffer.

Oy, how we suffer.

May God bless and keep the Tsar far away from us.

I'll work hard, Papa.

Well, I guess we're the whole town now, Golda.

Oy vey, Tevye.

Get out, Lenny.

Ohayo, Tomodachi.

Ohayo.

Joanna, I'm going to tell you something you may not be aware of.

You're not Japanese.

Four!

I hate living on the 14th fairway.

I think the sound of a golf ball against wood is almost soothing.

Lay off the sake, Joanna.

Oh, thank you, Sadaka.

The smell of raw fish makes me drool.

Ew, what a lovely image.

This isn't breakfast. This is bait.

Could you bring me some pancakes?

No.

Would you like to keep your job here?

Nah, I'm just killing time till a decent job opens up at a luxurious 5 ,000

-room Tagadachivo Hotel and Country Club.

Could we have some more tea?

No, I do not feel like brewing another pot.

Brew the damn tea, Sadaka.

You know, you don't have to be so formal around here. Our last handyman didn't

wear a suit and tie.

Joanna, it's just Sunatro's way of saying he's honored to be working for

Honored?

I laugh.

I must always look presentable when I apply for work at the luxurious 5 ,000

-room Takadachiville Hotel and Country Club.

There must be some work you will allow me to do at your beautiful hotel. Any

chore I will deem an honor. I will clean doggy deposit anything to get out of

this living hell.

Sinatra, it may be five years before doggy deposit custodial position opens

Five years?

Another five years working for him?

You must have patience and inner strength.

You are right, Takatachi -san.

Ready for today's round of golf.

I'm always ready for golf.

You know, my life really had no meaning until you introduced me to this

passionate, stimulating sport.

I knew I lost you the day you broke par.

Honey.

You'll never lose me.

What?

Look, I hate my life. I made a mistake when I didn't sell you the Stratford

years ago.

Couldn't you buy it now?

I will not hear it. It is more important that you maintain your pride.

You are to be respected.

But I...

I don't want to be respected anymore. I want out. I'll even throw in Sadaka and

Sunatra.

And our gardener, Frank Jr.

Or... I'm going to have Sinatra put up a

rubber siding.

Aren't you going to introduce us to your lovely new wife?

Well, I would if I had one, but this is my old wife. She's Japanese now.

Joey! I miss you.

Golly geisha, Tokyo Joe.

You sure are a far east feast for these occidental whores.

How do you get your hair so stiff and black?

It's a wig.

It looks so real.

Well, you sure have grown.

I'm Dick.

I used to hold you when you were a little baby.

Ew!

Sweaty hands!

Isn't she precious?

So what are you three doing back here? I thought you were living in Zurich. The

whole town decided to meet here five years ago on this day to see if you and

Joanna would still be alive.

Are we?

Hard to tell. Looks can be so darn deceiving.

Hi,

everybody.

George. Michael.

No.

Hi,

Dick. It's me, George Utley.

Nice to meet you. It's sure nice to see some things never change.

So what have you been doing with yourself?

Ate a lot, gained 20 pounds. Did slim fast, lost 20 pounds.

Ate again, gained it all back.

Went to Arizona.

Smoked a peace pipe with some neat Navajos.

After that, I didn't worry about my weight anymore.

It's a wig, okay?

And it looks so real.

So what's new with you four? Well, after my lovely wife ran off to Puerto Rico

with Officer Shifflett, I moved to the Marina del Rey, California, where Jim,

Mr. Rusnak, and Miss Goddard have a very spacious houseboat.

Just a few slips down from Robert Goulet.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Allow me to introduce our bitter haves.

Let me guess.

Mary, Carol, and Carol.

Neat. Well, my brothers and I were... Let me tell them, hon.

You see, us three girls were in Atlantic City playing keno when we see these

three dreamboats losing their shorts at the craps table.

So I say, Seda, Zora, those three guys are going to be our future hubbies.

to God.

So, we start to mosey over to the dreamboats when these lugs bump into us

knock us on our keisters.

We went drifting in gin.

Oh, it was sketch. You're both wrong. As I live and breathe, it was amaretto. It

was gin. I know what I...

can speak. Why didn't they say anything up till now?

I guess they've never been this peyote before.

Here, go buy yourself something pretty.

I

never

thought I'd hear myself saying this, but I really...

I really missed you guys.

We missed you, Dick, and our little town. Yeah, like fools, we thought money

could buy us happiness.

True, true.

And it has.

True, true.

We could never move back. Our homes were leveled to create the luxurious 5 ,000

-room Taka -Dachaville Hotel and Country Club. They're booked years in advance.

Oh, if only there was some place else in this town to stay.

I know there's a crowd forcing it. Why not? Steve the Stratford.

No one ever stays here.

True, true.

Well, you know, I guess you could check in for, you know, for a night or two. A

night or two?

We'll stay forever.

Wait, no, wait, wait. We don't have enough rooms for all of you and your

and your children. It's merely a matter of living arrangements. We can work it

out. We can work it out. Only time will tell if I'm right or I'm wrong.

As Mayor Emeritus, I hereby declare an emergency town meeting to be held at

in the sofa area of the Stratford to discuss who will be bunking with who.

If it's okay, if it's okay, Chester, I'd like to bunk with my wife and daughter.

I mean my buddy Berger and Smallfoot.

My brothers and I would like a room for ourselves and a separate room for our

wives.

preferably in a different town.

I refuse to buzz with Mr. Rustic. He snorts like a pig.

My septum happens to be badly deviated.

I don't mind. You want to be by me? No one is listening to me.

Honey.

Honey.

Honey, wake up. You won't believe the dream I just had.

But don't you want to hear about it?

All right, Bob.

What is it?

I was an innkeeper in this crazy little town in Vermont.

I'm happy for you.

Good night.

Nothing made sense in this place.

I mean, the maid was an heiress. Her husband talked in alliteration. The

handyman kept missing the point of things.

And then there were these...

Three woodsmen, but only one of them talked.

That settles it. No more Japanese food before you go to bed.

And I was married to this beautiful blonde.

Go back to sleep.

Good night, Emily.

What do you mean, beautiful blonde?

Go to sleep, Emily.

You know, you, uh... You really should wear more sweaters.