All language subtitles for Newhart s08e22 Father Goose

James Ponderilli.

No.

Robert Wandry.

God, no.

Oh, hi -ho, Joby, Dickby.

Well, it might be, Steph B.

I'll be you both.

We'd be fine.

You early birds looking for worms?

Close. Actors.

We're casting the titular role in the
new PIV super series. Oh, baby, Steph

I just acquired the rights to a classic
piece of American literature.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

What a coincidence. I did my college
thesis on the symbolism in this book.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

Giddy... Giddy Goose.

Giddy... Giddy, giddy goose.

There goes giddy goose.

That is some twist at the end there.

I just love that goose.

See, he comes, he's giddy, and then he
goes.

Looks a powder keg of nonstop action and
high drama.

Sounds like a nice Saturday morning
children's show.

Jojo, this ain't no Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles.

I'm birthing this bird on Sunday to lead
in for Vermont today.

Michael, I don't think a goose show will
attract the same audience as my talk

show. Well, a little goosing is just
what your show needs.

Meanwhile, could the casting director
take five minutes and maybe get us some

breakfast?

Just pray your eight -by -ten glossy
never crosses my desk.

This is Regis Draymond.

Oh, it is.

Remember when we saw his Petruchio in
the park?

Good God, I hope he was erected.

No, he was applauded.

He is an actor's actor.

Well, this chap may have stammered some
pentameter, but can he portray a

barnyard animal?

I think the man who captured the madness
of Richard III can somehow capture the

giddiness of a goose.

Okay, I'll read him, but a tad burrows,
he ain't.

What? No gasps of recognition?

He may not have played this Pinocchio
you rave about, but this actor's actor

graced every major dinner theater in
Arizona and Florida.

See, we only go to dinner theaters in
Colorado and Utah.

Well, he did do Owl and the Pussycat
with Donna Pascal.

Well, then he has aviary experience,
assuming...

He played the owl.

I will mock if you must, but serious
dinner theater goers everywhere break

wild applause at the mere mention of Tad
Burroughs. Oh, Tad Burroughs!

Will you ever forget his barefoot in the
park with Peggy Cass?

He was masterful. And the roast beef was
exquisite.

Does Tad still have a shot at giddy?
Well, he's my fave, though Picky Dicky

is pushing some Regis Draymond.

Never heard of him.

Has he ever performed opposite Donna
Pascal?

No, but he has played opposite Glenda
Jackson and Vanessa Redgrave.

Like who's ever heard of those broads?

This, uh, resume reads a little skimpy,
Steve.

Well, uh, up till now I've been...

Honing my craft, first at Juilliard,
then at the Actors' Playhouse, and for

last few years at the Royal Academy.

Let's cut to the chase.

Have you played a goose?

Uh,

no.

But I did understudy Thumper the Rabbit
in Disney on Ice.

Impressive, but a skating bunny does not
a giddy goose make.

Try the line, Stevie.

Hey, hey, hey, kids, here comes the next
cartoon!

Too, uh, too bunnyish.

Honk for me, Stevie, honk.

Honk! You call that a honking goose?

Well, I grew up in New York. The best I
can do is a honking cab.

Thank you.

Honk! Hit the trail, thumper.

Be prepared to humiliate yourself.

I always am.

Oh, I hope you're not here to grovel for
the goose part, Dick Burns.

No, I'm not. If you don't mind, I'd like
to sit in during Regis' audition. I

mean to think that one of the world's
greatest living actors is sitting right

out there in the lobby.

You want to sit in the next piece of
meat?

Oh, Mr.

Draymond, I'm Dick Loudon. I think that
you are so, so, uh, good.

You, sir, are exceedingly perceptive.

You're schmoozing the wrong schmojo.

Cast your line in this direction.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, kids!

Here comes the next cartoon!

I keep

asking myself, are American kids really
ready for

a limey honker? I think not.

Trust me, Regis, you're too good for
this.

All right, you are.

But television pales in comparison to
the grandeur of the theater.

I want to be Ziggy!

I want to be Ziggy!

Send in the fabulous Tad Burroughs, por
favor.

I'm Michael Harris, CEO and VP of PIV.

This is my little helper, Dick.

He, uh, he likes to watch.

You must be some talent, a spearhead, a
media empire at your age. Now, this is

what I call schmoozing.

Now, Tad, ray your resume. I see you've
had one stellar career in the chow and

bow circuit, which leads us to the
burning question. I know, Ken.

Tad Burroughs play a talking goose.

Weave your spell on us.

Hey, kids.

Here comes the next cartoon.

Hulk Hulk!

Genius. I mean, for a nanosecond, I
actually thought there was a goose in

room.

Well, better be careful where we walk.

Dickers, we found our giddy. Now, all we
have to do is parade you past our prez.

Oh, I love a parade.

Honk! Ted, right now our prezzie is
knocking back a bottle and then has to

a nap.

Oh, to be that rich.

Actually, my six -month -old Spriglet
owns the station. But not to worry.

do flippies over you.

Honk! Honk! Honk! Oh, come on. Honk with
us.

Honk!

All done?

Finished your book yet?

No. See, honey, Gord Vidal's latest
novel is about 800 pages longer than

Comes Giddy Goose.

Did you know Tad Burroughs played that
dancing distributor cap in that Spark

Plug commercial?

Oh, I guess versatility is Tad's middle
name.

No, it's Jerome.

Evening, everyone.

Hi. Or should I say, honk, honk.

Oh, I feel so much better after my nap.
You know, George, the mattress reminded

me of my mother's mashed potatoes.

You mean soft and fluffy?

Nope. I mean hard and lumpy.

Hey, Michael, do you have any?

Pat, allow me to introduce my spouse and
spawn.

Mother, Goose.

Papoose. Well,

wing it, Giddy -to -be.

Hey, kids.

Here comes the next cartoon.

That gurgle guarantees it. I hereby
proclaim that Tad Burroughs is Giddy

Would you like to hold your new
employer?

I'd love to.

I've never seen the baby take to a
stranger's home. She usually spits up on

Dick.

One more thing, Dicketing.

On this week's Vermont Today, you'll be
introducing our giddy to the world.

Gore Vidal is my scheduled guest. I've
spent the whole week reading his book,

his unbelievably long book.

Well, Stephanie made me Vito Vidal the
second she found out it wasn't Sassoon.

Well, maybe if your Gore guy knew
something about hot oil treatment.

I believe that baby's cooing.

You've been around babies before.

Weren't you the Papa Pimento in that
olive commercial?

Oh, no, no, no, that was Regis Draymond.

That's the damn pimento I ever saw.

But I do have a son named Michael.
Michael Burroughs, that's a manly

Oh, no, you see, Burroughs is my stage
name.

My real name is Harris.

Hey, cool, your son and I have the same
name.

Hello, son.

This can't be true.

I'm afraid it is, son. Stop calling me
son. This man's an imposter. He's a wolf

in goose clothing.

Look, I'm not surprised you didn't
recognize me. I mean, after all, we

seen each other in over 30 years.

I thought you said your father was blown
to bits by the Red Baron in a cat fight

over Germany.

That's dog fight, kitten.

I believe the Red Baron was World War I.

You were born in the 50s.

That means your mother would have been
in labor 35 years.

Maybe I liked it in there.

Look, I know that there's a lot for you
to take in, but I am your father, and I

have proof.

You have a small birthmark in the shape
of a mandolin on your left buttock.

He does?

He sure does.

See, I was birdwatching by Johnny Cake
Creek last summer with a pair of high

-powered binoculars, and I just happened
to see Michael skinny -dipping.

Oh, my God, I was there, too.

And you don't have a blemish on you.

Does she, Dick?

I was busy watching the woodpeckers.

You know, Michael, there is a certain
resemblance between the two of you.

I mean, the hair, the height, the honk.

Well, maybe, just maybe, you could have
sowed the seed that sired me, sir.

But if you did, where were you during my
wonder years?

Look, your mom and I were... We were
just married with a newborn baby.

But I was an actor. What could I do? I
was...

Forced to travel from town to town,
playing bit parts in lousy, rat

dinner theaters.

Gosh, you make it sound so glamorous.

And then, then I got my big break.

The lead in Life with Father at the
Aurora Borealis Dinner Theater in Nome,

Alaska.

Look, I was planning to come back to you
and your mom after a four -week run,

but... Well, my reviews were so good, I
just couldn't leave. And then we were

extended another 15 years.

Well, those pipeline workers really love
good theater.

Yeah, well, I'm sure there's no place
like Nome.

But while you were the toast of the
tundra, Mom and I were eating stale

rolls made soggy by our tears.

Well, I don't know about you fellas, but
I sure could go for a nice tossed

salad.

We just had dinner.

I'll put bacon bits on it.

Why did God make me so weak?

Michael.

Save your breath, Ticocrates.

I'm too upset for one of your act mature
and be forgiving speeches.

I was just going to say, your fly is
open.

Why did you have to come here and
shatter our gingerbread lives?

You, you thespian.

Look, I'm sorry, I...

I was only trying to put the family back
together again.

I saw your mom. I spoke to her. She told
me where to find you.

Then she told me where to go.

I'll save the soft pedal. You just
wanted the goose gig.

Ah, stuff the goose.

I only came back to see you and your
daughter and your knockout of a charming

wife. You know, Michael, there's
something about this guy I like.

Look, mistakes, I've made a few.

But then again, not too few to mention.

Can't you ever find it in your heart to
forgive me? As far as I'm concerned, my

father's body was ripped apart by enemy
bullets and eaten by German dingoes.

And I want to preserve that beautiful
memory.

Oh, well, I'll just go pack my trunk and
head back to Nome.

They love me there, you know.

Michael, say something.

Wait.

Let's face it, you may have laid an egg
as a father, but you're still one hell

of a goose.

You mean you're not going to fire me?

No, but I'm cutting your salary in half
and giving you a very small dressing

room.

I'll do you proud, son.

I mean, sir.

Like father, like son.

Glad I had a girl.

Michael, I just saw Ted coming out of
the broom closet.

You mean his dressing room.

It's only temporary, just until Bud gets
out of the third stall.

Well, that could be a while. He borrowed
my Gore Vidal.

Michael, uh...

You know, there are going to be kids
watching.

Tad won't be going on about his personal
problems, will he? Oh, relax, Dick. The

man's a pro.

What you'll be getting is one big goose.

Hi, Michael.

We just came by to see if that goose
still had you down.

This is no time for fun puns, huh?

In five, four, three, two... And now...
It's Vermont Today, starring

Dick Loudon.

Hi, and welcome to Vermont Today. I'm
your host, Dick Loudon.

Today we have a special surprise for all
you Gore Vidal fans.

You can turn off your TV and keep
plowing through his book.

Because he's not here.

Instead, call the kids in from outside
and get ready to meet WPIV's newest

Here comes Giddy Goose.

You want to wish me good luck, son? I'm
not your son. I'm your boss and you're

my bird.

Hey, Dick.

Thanks for having me on your show.

My pleasure, Mr.

Goose. Or should I call you Giddy?

Whatever. You don't... You don't seem
too, you know, giddy. I've been having

some personal problems, Dick.

Look, giddy, I was assured that you
wouldn't be talking about... Well, you

I've got this son.

You mean... You mean your... Your
guselet.

Right.

Anyway, he hates my guts.

See, I've just been getting so involved
in my own career.

flying most of my life from one dinner
theater to the next. You mean bird

sanctuaries? Yeah, that's right.

One week it was Norman, is that you?

Next week it was Natalie Needs a
Nightie.

Man, I sure played some toilets.

You mean bird baths?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, I never knew the Giddy character
had so much subtext.

Oh, it's all there in the book.

You just have to read between the lines.

I don't know. I just began to hate
myself.

I started chain -smoking, and then I was
downing generic brand gin, which did a

real number on my liver.

You mean you're pate.

My life was one stinking, drinking

hell.

You might, uh...

You might want to send those kitties
back outside.

You know, not a day went by I didn't
think of my wife and my little goose.

I heard that he got married and had his
own goose. All I wanted to do was just

see her.

You can understand why a goose would
want to take a gander at his baby grand

goose.

Well, sure, it's only human.

So I came back home, my tail feathers
between my legs.

Oh, Dick, why won't he let me back into
his mess?

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

So,

uh, what kind of cartoons will you be
showing?

Holy analogies, I get it. It took the
wisdom of a goose to make me see how

he loves me.

Oh, Cuppy Tad's my dad.

Fly to him, Michael.

Fly to him.

I forgive you, my fine -feathered
father.

to see more of Giddy and his gaggle of
merry gooselets.

Tune in every Sunday before Vermont
Today.

This is Dick Loudon.

Ah, what the hell.

Hello. Hi, my name's Vernon Wilson.

What can I do for you, Vern?

I'm estranged from my son, too.

Did I mention we're both chipmunks?