Original subtitles

Have you guys seen the tweezers?

Eyebrows getting a bit bushy there, George?

My eyebrows are perfectly arched.

I've had this splinter in my finger for three days now.

I know wood could be dangerous, but you always figure it's something that's

going to happen to the other guy.

Hi -dee -ho, my duo does.

How's my ailing woodsman? Still sporting lumber in that limb?

Yes, and thanks for caring.

Dick doesn't seem to give a damn.

I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember what I taught you about fake

compassion? No, I remember your lesson on insincere compliments.

By the way, you're my reason for living.

Thank you.

He hopes that finger splint won't cause you to sprint from tonight's tent.

Oh, nothing can keep me away from one of our poker games. You guys...

Play poker? What time do you start? Three in the morning.

Perfect. I usually get up at two.

Actually, we start at nine, though we usually get there at eight for an hour

man talk.

I've heard their man talk.

They argue about who makes the best dip.

There's no argument.

Some people are reckless when it comes to adding dill.

Well, you're out of your avocado.

My dill dip is to die for.

It can't have that effect.

Girl, save it for your game, okay?

So, you have room for another player? Well, we already have six. There's me

Michael, Larry, Daryl, Daryl, and Tim Conway.

Tim Conway? The Tim Conway? You wouldn't be so impressed if you tasted his dip.

I've said to him over and over, Tim, go easy on the paprika.

How do you guys know Tim Conway? All the Daryls know him from when they were

producing the Carol Burnett show.

I can't believe that you guys never told me about this poker game.

You know, I bet Tim and I would be good friends, you know. I mean, we both have

a kind of offbeat sense of humor, and we both like paprika.

No, we don't think you should play with us, Dick.

You know how weird you get around superstars.

George, I think you're confusing me with Lucy Ricardo.

Besides,

I make a dip that is so zesty, the night that I served it to Joanna, she agreed

to marry me.

See you at eight. Use lots of dill.

See you at eight.

Don't use any dill.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to make my special dip so I can play cards tonight.

You're making our dip for someone else?

Well, it won't exactly be our dip because there won't be an engagement

the bottom of the bowl.

Hello, Stephanie.

Joanna. Hi, Miss Goddard. I'm not here in my professional capacity as town

librarian. I'm here as a depressed woman who needs to talk to someone about her

feelings.

Well, I pride myself on being a good listener, but only when I'm the topic of

conversation.

See ya.

I need two people to hear my emotional outpouring.

I have a lot of guts to spill.

Well, as long as you say it pretty like that.

Well, today is my 25th birthday, and I don't have a date.

It's the first time this has happened since I was six.

I went on this hayride with Billy Miller.

He was six also.

Yet he had the body of an eight -year -old.

Anyway, you can see why I'm depressed.

You're only 25?

Yes.

Does that surprise you?

Nope. Not at all. The fact that I'm still talking proves I'm not speechless.

Lou, my auto mechanic friend, was supposed to take me out tonight, but at

last minute his wife put her foot down.

Some wives can be so possessive.

Until now, I've never been without a man in my life.

My dance card's always been full, so to speak.

In fact, there have been weekends when my dance card has become all sweaty from

overuse.

There's no law that says you have to spend your birthday with a man.

Yeah, why not spend it with Stephanie and me?

Or better still, why not spend it with just Joanna?

Come on, Stephanie, it'll be fun. The three of us having birthday cake

champagne, a little girl talk.

Maybe we'll even tell some off -color jokes.

I guess there are worse ways to spend an evening than telling dirty jokes with

two pitiful women.

Now, what can this be?

There are no moving parts.

Is it doilies? No, not doilies either.

So, we've eliminated a brick of wax, a box of rye crisp, and doily.

And you did say it was something I would like, but it doesn't resemble a body

part.

What can this be?

Oh, why don't you just open it like a normal person?

I thought we were trying to have fun.

I guess I was mistaken.

Oh,

a book.

A librarian can never get her fill of these.

Good going, Joanna.

When my birthday comes, think gift certificate.

Well, we didn't come here to insult each other. We didn't?

Oh, we came to celebrate Miss Goddard's birthday and have an evening of girl

talk.

Ah, let's make a list of the sexiest male movie stars.

Right on top would have to be Sean Connery, oh yeah. I mean, even without

this guy is gorgeous.

Sean, I got your news.

I got your news.

Sometimes it isn't easy to hide a hickey.

Tried everything.

Makeup, a band -aid, a leather collar with metal studs.

I think I have to add John Goodman to the list. He might be a little chunky,

he is so cuddly.

John?

Hi, Miss Goddard.

Ted, this is a surprise.

A very pleasant surprise.

You know, Lou felt bad about standing you up, so he sent me in his place. You

want a massage?

Neither of us can take our clothes off here.

If you like, you may sit next to me, but you mustn't try anything.

Oh, okay.

Will you just say the word?

I'll be all over you like rust on a muffler.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was talking about sexy actors. Stephanie was grabbing the baby's nose.

And I believe you were saying something about a hickey.

Oh, a sudden kink in my neck.

Here, let Ted work his magic.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Lovely party,

Joanna.

It really tastes great.

So crispy. You know, you don't actually need anything with them. Just plain

as... You know, I couldn't help but notice no one has touched my dip.

Yours truly took a taste test earlier, Dikitos.

And I must say, dippity -doo -dah, dippity -doo -doo.

My brothers and I couldn't get close enough for a taste due to the blinding

smell.

Tim's here.

I'd recognize the sound of that battered old Hugo anywhere.

Oh, right, right. Tim Conway drives a Hugo.

That's a good one, George.

All

right,

I'm late, guys.

Took the long way so I wouldn't have to pay the toll.

You know, if you can save a quarter by cutting across somebody's backyard, why

not, huh?

Who's the guy laughing at the straight lines?

That's, uh... That's Dick Loudon. He promised he'd behave.

Hi. Tim, I'm a big, big fan of yours. I think I've seen everything you've ever

done. Really? Oh, yeah.

Did you see my TV series, Rango?

No.

Turn on.

No.

Some fan.

What died and became dipped?

Dick made that. Daryl thinks it's a derivative of mustard gas.

Let's get going here, huh?

You know, I spent $3 in gas to get over here, so the sooner I win it back, the

sooner I'll stop shaking.

Okay, everybody, let's 80 up your 10 -cent pieces.

Oh, by the way, Daryl now considers bluffing to be a sin, so he'll

be engaging in self -flagellation.

All right, everybody, show Pappy what you got.

Hold it.

Pappy, what happened to raising?

These aren't matchsticks we're playing for. These are real dimes.

Raising is verboten in this casino. Where do you think you are, fabulous

Laughlin, Nevada?

Well, what kind of game is it if you can't raise?

What are we playing, remedial poker?

Okay, okay, okay. Let him raise, all right? I mean, what's it going to cost

Another nickel?

Actually, a quarter.

Quarter? Oh, boy.

That's it. I'm out of here. Oh, yeah.

Yes, sir. You've got yourself a gambling problem here, mister. Yes, sir.

You ought to get professional help.

I'm gone, boys. Yes, sir.

Tim, please don't go.

No, no. Oh, no.

My little change purse is not safe as long as he's still breathing.

Dick, stop breathing. You're ruining things for everyone else.

Sure cheap place in town to eat here, boys.

Danny's Diner out on Route 14.

You can get a whole meal for under $3.

Oh. Maybe I'll just have the soup.

All I did was raise a quarter.

Oh, how could we have told Dick about this game?

It was the promise of dip that clouded our thinking.

The only bright spot I can find is that it wasn't my loose -lipped brothers who

spilled the proverbial beans.

Any chance they get to make that gesture, they take advantage of it.

The last time seemed gratuitous.

Why am I getting all the blame?

I mean, you have to admit that Tim Conway is a bit on the...

the cheap side.

Stop trying to pass the buck, bucko. Everything was a hunk of dory till you

walked into the party and watched yourself gavotte.

Watch myself what?

Can't help you there. Don't know what it means either.

All I know is Tim Conway came here every Saturday for over a year and life was

good. Then along came Dick.

All right, all right. If you want, I'll go to Denny's Diner and apologize to Tim

for raising in poker.

Good, good idea. Tell him you did it because you're a co -dependent.

It's supposedly the very latest in excuses.

Here's your hot water. Thank you.

Sure you don't want a meal with that?

No, no, no. No, thank you.

Oh, excuse me. Here you go.

Let's see.

That's for you.

What's this?

It's your tip.

I thought you could get a half a penny for it down at the recycling center.

Gee, thanks.

Can I get you anything else, Mr.

Aluminum Tycoon?

Oh, I'll tell you what. Could I have a slice of lemon, please?

Better yet, bring me a whole lemon.

And any complimentary fruit in season?

And some of those packages of jellies and jams.

And the mustards and the ketchups. Okay? And some artificial sweeteners.

Don't forget.

Oh, they're here. Never mind. I got them.

Hi, Tim.

Oh, yeah.

You're that card shark that tried to steal my money over there, huh?

I'm, uh... I'm sorry. Sorry about that. You know, sometimes when I look at a

quarter, I forget that it, you know, it represents, uh... 25 cents.

Oh, my God!

My tea bag!

Oh. It's all right. It's okay.

Boy,

I've had that since October.

Excuse me, Mr.

Conway, can I get your autograph?

Will you buy me a cup of soup?

Hey, I'll buy you a bowl.

Yeah, all right.

Yo, hey.

Bring me a bowl of soup, will you please? Yeah.

And throw a lobster in it, will you? Yeah.

And he's paying.

Okay, here you go.

Thanks.

My wife wants to know if you're anybody.

Well, I am the host of Vermont Today.

He's nobody.

Here you go.

Here's your soup, your lobster, and your condiments. Oh, great.

Bon appetit. Great. Oh, here, here, here, here you go.

Here you go. Here's a copy of my latest video, Dorf Hunts the Great White

Minnow. There you go.

Gee, thanks.

Yeah. Uh, excuse me. It's 30 bucks.

Go to hell.

Right.

Isn't there anything I can do to keep you coming back to the game?

Well, you can buy me that apple pie over there.

Now, wait. Let me get this straight. If I buy you that apple pie, you'll come

back to playing poker?

That pie is $8.

Uh, miss?

Yeah, you want to wrap up that pie for our friend here?

Uh -huh. I'm paying.

Hey, you probably want to buy them out of my videos here, though. $30.

Go to hell. Right.

You know, one reason I wanted to meet you is because, well, you know, you have

kind of a... You have kind of an offbeat sense of humor, and, you know, we just

have... so much in common, you know, I thought we might, you know, we might

become friends.

Oh, boy.

Okay, why don't you just hold that thought, okay? I have to go to the

offbeat comedian's room.

Say, listen, buddy, could I borrow a dime for the pay toilet?

You know, I'll pay you back next week when we get together and talk about

friends. Oh, sure.

What friend, you know, would let his friend...

crawl under a stall. Aw, thank you so much. And listen, FF, if I don't see you

in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.

That's a good one, Tim. That's very funny.

I think I'll laugh until the cows come home.

Goodbye.

That'll be $8.

Cash only. No videotapes.

There you go.

Do your restrooms have pay toilets?

Yeah, why?

You doing a survey?

No, no. I just wanted to find out if our friend is trying to rip me off.

My keys.

My keys.

Tim's stealing my car.

Tim Conway.

There's a speaker in my house!

Minds me, sweetie, tomorrow we're going to the zoo.

Well, we'll be turning in now, Joanna.

Thank you for inviting us to your party. We had a wonderful time.

Those are called insincere compliments.

We use them on Joanna a lot.

Happy birthday, Miss Goddard.

I hope I made my point about not needing a man to have fun.

When our guests come down for breakfast, just throw a blanket over yourselves.

that Tim Conway stole my

car.

You two wouldn't want to buy some pie, would you?