Original subtitles

Sorry, Michael, you landed on lose a turn again.

Dratsy.

Your spin, George.

The category is 19th century Russian literature.

Finally, an easy one.

That last one about Norwegian sea chandies from the 15th century was a

Name the brothers and the brothers Karamazov.

Ernest. And Julio?

No, that would be the brother's gallop.

At this rate, I'll never get off the start square.

Well, at least you have Joanna to keep you company.

The fun's in the playing, not the winning.

I'll have to remember that lame excuse if I ever miss a question.

Your spin, spouse.

Giddyap, girl, you landed on Kentucky Derby winners of the 1920s.

Flying Ebony won the Derby in 1925.

What color uniform did his jockey wear?

Acre.

That's right.

How did you know this?

Well, Flying Ebony sounds like a black horse, and I know whenever I wear my

black Valentino.

I like to accessorize with something acrue.

Fun facts about South Dakota.

What is the average annual precipitation in Huron, South Dakota?

I already know the answer to that.

I'm a big fan of the weather channel.

Good, honey. Okay, I'll take a guess.

Let's see.

20 inches.

Right, like it's going to rain in round numbers.

The answer, of course, is 18 .66 inches.

Yep, right again.

I do know my weather.

Oh, shut up, Dick.

I lose a turn. At least I don't have to look stupid like the rest of you guys.

Itty -bitty mammals.

What is the iddiest, biddiest mammal in the world?

Oh, I don't know.

Emanuel Lewis?

I think it's the shrew, but I'll just check to make sure. Yeah, I'm right

Where'd you learn that? The mammal channel?

I hate this game.

You have to think too hard.

That's why it's called Big Bulging Brains.

Whatever happened to all the simple old -fashioned games? Where did they go?

You didn't need big, bulging brains to play hopscotch.

All you needed were big, bulging feet.

Well, those were the days. There wasn't a girl around who had the guts to

challenge my swollen dogs.

See, Joanna, when a low -pressure front runs into a high -pressure front, you

get what's called a precipitation.

Now, let me, uh... Let me show you how God makes wind.

Great, I married Mr. Wizard.

Don't mind us. Just passing through. Keep your seats. Just passing through.

I see you've been marketing in our kitchen.

Well, the weather was too yucky to go to the store, so we just took a few items

from your fridge.

In other words, you're robbing us blind.

If we were stealing, we wouldn't be doing it right under your noses, would

So it's more like borrowing?

No. You see, borrowing implies returning, and that's not likely.

Oh, I went to the trouble of jotting down a few things you've run out of.

Oh, I had no idea we'd gone through all the baby food.

Yeah, that's my fault, Joanna. I went on another one of my...

Strain -carried binges.

Tutti -frutti. Oh, Rudy, we forgot the tofutti.

I'll get it. Let me help.

And while we're in the kitchen, I'll teach you how to play grocery shopping

reverse.

Remember how upset I was that time we played Big Bulging Brains?

Vaguely. You mean about an hour and a half ago?

Well, I've just invented a brand new board game.

I'm calling it Handyman. See?

Each square... is a chore I do here at the inn.

And you play with wingnuts?

I was going to use old nails, but I was afraid the players might get tetanus.

First, you roll the die and move like this.

Dick, water here, get nine points.

Put up storm windows, get nine points. Take down storm windows, get nine

Paint Dick's study without dripping on him, get nine points.

I'm sensing a trend here.

Why nine points? Like I'd paint a whole study for four points?

Anyway, you keep going around and around and around the board thousands and

thousands of times. Until you get dizzy and vomit.

No, until you get to one million points.

And then?

You put the game away.

I figured we could play handyman around the inn. You know, to escape that.

Daily drudgery.

Around the end? Try around the world, Georgius Fogg.

This game is breathtakingly beautiful in its simplicity.

It's simple, all right. I've got this game's game plan all mapped out. Step

we go local.

Two, national.

Step three, we buy me a really big house.

Step four, we go international.

And before you can say Milton Bradley, you'll be jet -setting in your own Lear,

dear, nibbling at the napes of six -foot bronze showgirls. Hear that, Dick? I'll

be nibbling showgirls.

Well, it seems to follow. Come on, Parker.

Let's toddle off to Toy Town and demo Handyman, the new feel -good game of the

decade. Coming, Dick? Of course he's coming. Now, while George and I are

schmoozing with the manager, you and little Pop Pussy will innocently wander

over, spot the game, and gush your brains out.

Quell like you've never quelled before.

Find yourself another queller.

Not going to be your shill.

Don't you care if I sell my game, get famous, and find the happiness that's

eluded me my whole pathetic life?

You really want those showgirls, don't you, George?

Oh, God, yes.

All right, I'll... Well... All

right, go browse. When I cough, that's your cue.

What a waste of time. I could be watching the weather channel.

Good day, good fellow.

We'd, uh, we'd like a Moe with Mom.

You're looking at him.

Your mom?

Yeah, it's a franchise.

I think the name creates a warm, friendly atmosphere.

Hey, kid, you touch that, I break your fingers!

Uh,

Mom? My main man, Michael Harris here. George Utley there, creator of Handyman,

the brilliant new board game that's guaranteed to amuse the masses while

amassing you moolah.

George, show Mom your wingnuts.

Yeah, they're nice enough nuts, but will they sell?

Well, let's ask an amazingly average consumer and find out. I'm an average

consumer. I have two children, a sheep dog and a Jeep Cherokee.

Oh, and my husband and I make love once a week right after Dallas.

The average consumer has 2 .5 children. Come back when you're pregnant.

Well, here's an amazingly average man out toy shopping with his child. What is

your name, sir?

Dick. Well, what an amazingly average name.

With an amazingly above average child.

Strange when you consider how amazingly below average the father is.

So what do you think of these fancy nuts?

They're breathtakingly beautiful in their simplicity.

Isn't there a game board that's supposed to go with these fine nuts?

Oh, right.

Rick, is it?

Dick.

See? I call it handyman.

And you roll the die and move your nut and go around and around thousands and

thousands of times until you reach a million.

Don't you want to buy this revolutionary product?

Oh, yeah, I forgot. How much?

Twenty bucks.

For some wing nuts and a piece of cardboard?

All right, eighteen.

It comes with a little pencil.

Well, you know, if it comes with a little pencil.

Oh, and I noticed your adorable daughter eyeing this earlier. That's my

granddaughter. Why don't we let her father buy it for her?

That handyman game looks wonderful. I'd like to buy one for my average little

son.

Sorry, I just sold the last one. Come back tomorrow. I'll have plenty more.

Right, Oakley? Right, Mom.

Heavens be praised.

Handymania has hit.

You forgot my things.

Mom don't give change.

Brought some clay.

Dick don't want clay.

Then Dick get nothing.

Hey, you dump too much clay.

Remove

dead mouse

from trap behind front desk.

Nine points.

Looks like you've got about 18 points back here, George.

I'll get to them, Dick.

Mom sold out my first set of games in an hour and wants 50 more ASAP.

Wow. This road to fame is not all bright lights and bronzed showgirls. I hear

you, George.

My road to fame was pretty bumpy, too. What fame?

People don't really buy your books, and most of your Vermont Today audience is

shut -ins.

Well, I've worked hard to corner the shut -in market, George.

You're sounding a little pathetic, Dick. Tell you what, you could live

vicariously through me.

Thanks, George.

There he is, Jim, the genius behind Handyman.

Hate to intrude, George, but will you autograph our handyman board?

Wow, my first board signing. What should I say, Dick?

How about, uh, there's a sucker born every minute?

Pay him no heed, George. He's just jealous of your newfound celebrity.

Doesn't it eat away at you that you live vicariously through George?

What do you want me to do, live vicariously through you?

No, Chester lives vicariously through me.

And I enjoy it thoroughly.

Come on, Chester, let's set up the board and start in.

You're playing here?

Where better?

This way, when we have to re -varnish the banister, all we have to do is lift

our heads and gaze upon the real thing.

Good day.

We're the World Weary. Stupaks.

Dr. Charles and Dr. Lydia.

Well, I'm the Vermont Weary Loudon.

Mr. Dick.

Did he just borrow your quip, Charles?

Simple mimicry, dearest monkey fee, monkey do.

Well, what can this monkey do for you?

We'd like your most tranquil room, far from the general hubbub.

Well, all our rooms are without hubbub.

Bub.

Refinished bookcase. Get nine points.

What's all the hubbub?

Bubs.

We're playing Handyman, the feel -good game of the decade.

How amusing.

Where does one purchase one of these mindless diversions?

From the mindless one himself.

Gee, Mom is supposed to sell these for me. Well, here's $50.

Go buy the old dowager a shawl.

Oh, thanks.

He'll love it.

Look, Dick, I bought the last Candyman game Mom had in stock.

Why didn't you buy it from George?

George doesn't give clay as change.

Oh, have you met the world -weary Stupaks?

Oh, hello.

I'll do.

Oh, I see you're caught up in the handyman craze, too.

Perfect remedy for our urban angst. Stop babbling, Lydia, and roll that dice.

All right.

Fork it over, woman.

Fork over what, Mr. Rudnick? Mom was holding the last handyman game for me. I

have the rain check to prove it.

There must be some mistake. Why don't we discuss it over a game?

Okay, but I go first. Why?

Because I'm the man.

Sorry, far be it for me to be rude to a room full of uninvited guests.

Dad, do you mind?

Stephanie,

don't you think you'd find that game more challenging if you had an opponent?

And have somebody else with grubby little fingers touching my die?

not a zero.

A nine with a conservative loop.

Maybe I should keep score.

Women can't add.

They can only multiply.

What kind of a crack is that?

I didn't see you guys come in.

Hi.

The boys seem pretty engrossed in their game of handyman.

Their competitiveness harkens back to their prep school days.

After one particularly fierce game of cricket, they went an entire trimester

without so much as saying a word to each other.

And they're usually so damn chatty, you know.

Daryl, stop waving that mouse carcass in your brother's face.

I better get back to my scorekeeping duties. Maybe soon they'll break their

-to -zero tie.

Guys, it might help, you know, if you roll the die instead of that lump of

Jim, why do you have to press down so hard? If you break that pencil, Mom said

we have to buy a whole new game.

Couldn't we just buy a new pencil and not tell Mom?

Dick, you didn't hear that.

And here's a little something...

to make sure that mouth of yours stays shut.

Well, I've never been plied with clay before.

Dick, take a minute and look around.

What do you see?

I see idiots, George.

But they're my idiots. They love me and they love my game.

Holy house of games.

This hotel's a hotbed of handy mania.

How did it go with that game manufacturer in New York?

Toy -rific.

What did they love the most, its beauty or its simplicity?

Well, the Chiefs are still pow -wowing on that as we speak. But listen up. They

want 20 ,000 games produced pronto, Tonto.

20 ,000? Hear that, Dick?

Handy Mania is going to sweep the nation. This means goodbye.

Oh, don't worry, Dick. No matter how big my toy empire gets, I'll be in touch

with you every day. Car phone to car phone.

George, I don't have a car.

Then I guess this is goodbye?

A million points!

I got handyman!

I got handyman!

Whoa!

Hold on there, Chester.

On examining your score more closely, it seems you got a million and eight.

Well,

I'll re -add. Nine and nine are eighteen, and nine is twenty -four. It

occurred to me.

One million is not divisible by nine. This game is flawed.

Fatally flawed.

What a stupid, stupid game.

I feel so used.

Wait a minute. This is ridiculous.

I mean, if this is so upsetting to all of you, then the one who gets to a

million and eight wins.

You can't change the rules on a whim, Dick.

It's clearly stated on the board. The first handy guy or handy gal who gets a

million wins.

That's the rule. I wrote it myself.

This game is a sham.

And a travesty.

And if I had my thesaurus, I'd really nail you to the wall.

Come, Charles.

Aren't you going to check in?

We'd rather check out, little man.

I prefer little monkey man.

And to think, I literally kissed the ground you walked on.

My brothers would stick their tongues out at you in derision, but their mouths

are filled with clay.

You blew it, toy man.

I was going to name my next child Wingnut.

I pin my hopes on the Utley star, and then I hear you can't do long division.

Keep the change.

A cheer up, George. I mean, you did have, you know, your 15 minutes of fame.

Oh, what good is fame if you can't share it with a six -foot -tall bronze

showgirl?

You got me there.

Hey, Dick. Yeah, George.

Remember when I was the guy who invented a game that had the whole town buzzing?

You know, it seems like only, only seconds ago.

Well, look at me now.

I'm a broken shell of a man with nothing but just a lump of clay.

Well, now you got two, George.

You think this is enough to get me a showgirl?

No, but you could start building one.

Hey.

Starting Monday.

Lucy, don't push me too far. Watch one hit after another all night long, every

night. Yeah, that's why television was invented.

Here at the place where TV hits, Nick at Night.