Original subtitles

What are you doing out there, George?

Watching the snow fall.

If it keeps piling up like this, it's going to engulf the inn.

And we'll be trapped in here.

And we won't have any food.

And we'll start eating each other's flesh to survive.

George, the basement is full of canned goods.

Dick, that stuff is loaded with sodium.

George, winter will be over soon. You just have a mild case of cabin fever.

That's what Shelley Duvall said to Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Right before he buried an axe in Scatman Crother's chest.

Okay, Dick. I made up those five silly rooms for those five silly guests you're

expecting.

And did you clean up their five silly bathrooms?

Well, all except the one at the end of the hall. It has a defective mirror.

Makes me look pouty.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Couldn't we just cram these guys into one room and charge them for five?

You know, maybe you should be the innkeeper, and I should be the maid.

No, thanks.

People in sedentary jobs tend to get those repulsive cellulite deposits.

Why do you think I wear slacks?

Did you put mints on their pillows yet?

You just love sucking the lifeblood out of me, don't you?

Hi, welcome to the Stratford. I'm Dick Loudon. You must be the party of five.

Are we that obvious?

Well, when you work behind the front desk, as long as I have you, you know,

develop a keen eye.

and repulsive cellulite deposits.

Boy, Vermont sure is beautiful in the winter. It turns you into a frozen

That's George Utley. He's our social director.

We thought after we settle in, we'd like to grab a bite. Can you suggest a good

restaurant? The Lusty Buccaneer out on Route 14.

Waitresses wear hot pants and eye patches.

Doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant a priest would frequent.

not, but you guys should have a hell of a time.

You mean you men are all... Are you guys, the fellow holy

men, here to open a winery?

No, we're on retreat.

Occasionally we're able to get away to do some self -examination, meditate.

And, God willing, raise a little heck.

All right.

Let's lay some ground rules.

There will be no rough housing in the rooms.

No all -night beer parties.

And if I find one cigarette burn in the carpet, Dick, I'll have you booted out

of here. Clear?

Yes, ma 'am.

Dick.

These guys are real loony. I just thought I'm praying to their pancake.

Deputy, they were saying grace.

Do people still do that?

Yeah, there's still some loonies around who thank God for their daily bread or

flapjacks.

I wouldn't know.

A vanderkeller never has to pray for anything.

Excuse me, miss.

Could we trouble you for some more coffee?

All right.

But forget about the grace. I already blessed the pot in the kitchen.

Would it be a bother to ask for some decaf? Yes.

All right.

Here's your decaf.

Dick, isn't it time to tell Stephanie they're priests?

Joanna, let me enjoy this a little while longer. I mean, there's so little in my

life that makes me smile.

So, knew what the gas station was right. You are harboring five eligible

bachelors.

Uh, Miss Gaddard, I don't know how eligible they are.

Then I guess it's up to me to find out.

Nick, tell her.

Not, not yet.

I'm smiling.

Hello, boys.

Hi.

I'm Prudence Goddard, the town librarian.

I'm also the unofficial welcome wagon, so to speak.

Friendly town.

Avert your eyes, John. I've seen her type before, a hotbed of sin.

What do they call you, fella?

Miss Goddard, we're all men of the cloth.

And I'm a woman of the sea.

Miss Goddard, I guess our priests.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

Are any of you drifting from the pond?

I see.

Well, I'm sure the church appreciates the sacrifice you're making.

What a shame.

I was prepared to show you a whole new kind of heaven.

Morning, George. Sleep well?

When's this winter hell going to end?

I slept well, too, thanks.

George.

If you're not too busy today, we'd love to have you take us ice fishing.

Well, I was planning to stare at the fireplace again today.

But heck, I can do that later.

How about it, man? A little ice fishing? Excellent idea.

Gee, if I'd known we were going fishing, I would have brought my boots.

Are you saying you could use the... the shoes of the fisherman?

Oh, Stephanie.

Our guests are going fishing, and they'll need box lunches.

You know, if you don't learn to do things for yourselves, no woman will

have you.

You haven't told her about our vocation, have you?

Not yet.

Does that make me a sinner?

How long has she been working for you?

Seven years.

Then you're serving your own particular kind of penance.

Are people supposed to read those Bibles we keep in the nightstand?

No, no, they're just for show.

Well, that's what I thought.

Maybe they're priests on retreat.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hi, everybody.

Look what we caught.

23 of the scaliest perch ever to be plucked out of Johnny Cake Pond.

why don't we take these fish into the kitchen and start cleaning them?

They just came out of the water. How dirty could they be?

Joanne, it means you have to cut off their heads, rip out their guts, and

off their skin.

Ew!

Come on, Stephanie, just pretend they're poorly dressed townspeople.

Thanks for taking George along. This little outing really, really perked up

spirits. He was indispensable, especially when it came time to remove

hook from Jasper's bum.

Thomas? say there's something about Vermont that produces a special breed of

man.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Then there's the occasional hybrid.

Rumor has it that Stratford is playing host to a quintet of ecclesiastics.

If you mean priests, yeah. This is Father Kent.

How can I help you, Larry?

Hi. We made this pilgrimage to obtain papal authentication for several of our

holy relics.

The first one being the head of Judas Iscariot.

The thick eyebrows and fleshy cheeks are trademark features of the dark apostle.

I hate to disappoint you, Larry, but this is a coconut.

with a monkey's face carved in it.

We do have another item that's bound to catch your ecumenical eye.

The Trout of Turin.

The Trout of Turin? My brother Darrell befriended this particular trout while

were touring the Canadian provinces.

He became so attached to it that he kept it under his pillow.

I'm afraid of...

Fish staying on a pillowcase doesn't qualify as a holy relic.

Well, Daryl, it appears as if our sacred sack is sacred no more.

Come, let us part the waters of Johnny Cake Bog and seek solace in that ancient

ark.

Excuse me, I feel a sudden need to go upstairs and pray to St. Jude, the...

patron saint of hopeless causes.

Well, it sounds like you had a good day, George. Oh, you bet. I never knew

priests were supposed to have fun.

Father John told this dilly of a joke about a wayward Lutheran who went to

farmer's house. George, George, I know the joke, but it was a wayward Baptist.

Baptist?

That's even funnier.

George,

I guess you're over, you know, your winter blots.

Oh, it wasn't just the winter, Dick. I was depressed because there wasn't any

meaning in my life. But that all changed this afternoon.

Dick, I've decided to become a priest.

Just because a priest tells you a dilly of a story, you're ready to sign up?

This isn't the first time I've considered the priesthood.

When I was an altar boy at St. Michael's, I was a hot prospect.

Then one Sunday, I dropped a 50 -pound Bible on Father McNee's toe.

He couldn't genuflect for a month.

George, don't you think maybe you're a little old

to be starting over?

Dick, what's age got to do with it?

From now on, I'll be answering to a divine boss.

You know, I always thought of myself as a...

Kind of divine boss.

Don't delude yourself. You're as mortal as they come.

Greetings, master of the house.

Where is your minor spouser?

She's in der kitchen.

Now she's in der Lobby.

Guten Abend, my little schnitzel. Michael, why are you talking fake

Here, Dick started it.

Dish not.

Oh, the pew, Steph. What stinks?

Me. I had to clean a ton of perch for some fishermen staying here.

Oh, my malodorous muffin.

You were bullied by a band of barnacle barbarians? Yes.

Were they cute?

Hey, Dick.

You want to watch going my way?

I've decided to model myself after Bing Crosby.

He was a good priest and a heck of a crooner.

Well, I hope they teach crooning at the seminary, George.

Hello, George.

Hi.

Any reason for you to be here?

Well, uh... Let's see, I own the inn.

I live here.

No, none whatsoever.

So, George, is it true you're entering the priesthood?

Yes, I'm leaving my sinful life behind.

I've taken the vows of poverty and obedience.

I can't help but notice you left out chastity.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Heavens, no.

I see.

In that case, I'd like to send you off with a very special gift.

Very much like the one I bestowed upon Tommy Anderson before he joined the

And like Danny O'Shannon before he joined the Sideshow.

And Scotty Buck.

before he... I guess he wasn't going anywhere.

Miss Goddard, you're trying to entice me with your femininity.

Just think of me as your last supper.

I already ate.

Then think of me as your after -dinner mint.

Miss Goddard...

I don't think priests are allowed to snack.

You have more inner strength than I thought.

You'll make a wonderful priest, George.

Thank you, my child.

Not even one quick game of woof -woof?

Just remember, sweet George.

I'll be waiting for you in the afterlife.

I just withstood the greatest test known to man.

Did Miss Goddard do her dance of the 17 veils?

Thank goodness, no. I would have been a goner for sure.

Uh, any reason for you to be here?

Well, let's see. I still own the inn. I still live here.

None whatsoever.

Hi, Father Kim. How's Father Jasper feeling?

Better. Some people can eat perch and it doesn't affect them.

Others break out in angry red blotches.

You know, I've been wanting to talk to you, Father.

You're interested in becoming a priest.

Yeah, how'd you know?

You're holding the copy of Going My Way.

It's about as close as we get to a recruitment film.

Tell me, when did you come to this decision?

Right after Father John's story about the nearsighted Presbyterian and the

goats.

That one brought the Archbishop to his knees.

You know, George, you're seeing us at one of our rare vacations.

Most of the time, being a priest is hard work.

Yeah, I guess those exorcisms can really wear a guy out.

Well, some exorcisms.

But a more time -consuming task is to provide counsel.

Say one of your parishioners confessed that he was being unfaithful to his

spouse. Do you mean like Officer Shifflett and Miss Goddard?

See, he was going on a stakeout, and Miss Goddard wanted to send him off with

very special gift, so... George, a priest is supposed to keep all

confidence. Boy, if there's anyone who can't keep a secret, it's me.

though I never told a soul that Joanna has a tattoo of a seahorse on her thigh.

Joanna has a tattoo?

Well, since you know that much, I might as well tell you the rest.

See, she was showering, and I was outside on a ladder... Good, George,

I think we've concluded that you've got a problem in the loose -lip department.

Well,

that aside, a priest must also have the calling.

Who calls you?

God. What does he sound like?

Does he have a deep voice like Brenda Vaccaro?

It's not so much a voice, George, as it is a call from the soul.

Gee, I haven't heard a peep out of my soul.

There are other ways to show your devotion.

You could volunteer your time at St. Michael's.

Well, I don't think they'd want to see the likes of me again. We had a falling

out years ago.

The church is all -forgiving.

Unless you're that notorious altar boy who dropped the 50 -pound Bible upon the

knee's toe.

Do you think they need any help over at St.

Christopher's? I'm sure they'd be very grateful.

Well, thanks for being so straight with me, Father. Maybe I'll put off this

priest thing for a while.

I guess I'd better return going my way, unless you want to see it.

No, thanks. I've seen it over a hundred times.

Well, I've got all of Cheech and Chong's films.

That's what's going my way.

I hope you had a pleasant day.

Oh, we did.

Now I know what hell is like.

Well, come on. I'll give you directions out of hell.

So, I guess you won't be taking...

Taking George along?

No. Funny, seems like every time we have a retreat, somebody wants to join up.

This time I thought it'd be you. Well, I did consider the priesthood briefly

when I was a kid. Then I went to see The Bells of St. Mary and noticed how hot,

how lovely Ingrid Bergman looked.

Say no more. We've lost a lot of candidates for that movie.

Oh, you're checking out.

I better not find any Bibles missing.

Goodbye, Father Kim. So long.

Why are you calling him Father?

Because I'm a priest.

You are not.

Yes, he is.

I don't think you've met my little daughter, Duffy.

I was going to name her Madonna.

Oh, she's lovely.

Bye now.

Did I tell you that my daddy is chummy with the Pope?

How does Cardinal Ken sound?

I like it.

Come out to the car, we'll talk.

Look what I found in the side yard.

The first crocus of spring.

About time, George.

I'm going to take it over to the library and offer it to Miss Goddard.

Woof, woof.

All right.

Who told those priests about my tattoo?