Original subtitles

loud and nice.

She's becoming more like yours truly every day.

The future frightens me.

Hey, want to see pictures of baby Stephanie?

What a question, of course.

Hey, these snaps are in black and whitey.

If this is some sort of artistic statement, well, frankly, I don't get

It was an old roll of film. It was in an old camera.

That's owned by an old man.

Holy

Kodak!

It's a monstrous -looking teenage boy.

The lab must have mixed up the pics.

Michael!

That means somewhere a monstrous -looking family is passing around photos

baby.

Wait a minute.

This teenage monster is me.

Well, lucky for you, you grew into that face.

George, are you saying this film's been in your camera over 40 years?

Well, I've been wanting to finish it.

Isn't this Jim and Chester standing next to you?

Yeah.

That's when we were in this gang, the Vermont Hooligans.

Back then, I was called Pliers, Jim was Mustache, and

Chester was Little Stinky.

Why Little Stinky?

You had to be there.

And you wouldn't have wanted to be.

Pliers, this cat's curious.

What sort of gang activities did you guys participate in?

The usual.

We soaped windows, threw snowballs against the sides of buildings.

Of course, snowballs were more a seasonal thing.

You hooligans make the gangs in West Side Story look like a bunch of dancers.

Hey, you ever think of having a gang reunion?

What a great idea.

All this talking about the hooligans has made me realize how much I miss them.

Well, it's not surprising, because when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way.

From your first cigarette to your last dying day.

None of us hooligans ever smoke.

Except for Butts.

May he rest in peace.

mustache, little stinky.

What are you doing here, Mr. Rosnack?

My Uncle Butts was a hooligan.

May he rest in peace.

Well, I'd like to go on record as saying I'm against having guests.

Hooligans' meetings were never open to the public.

That's because your mom's porch only had room for six.

Now, Dick's here. This must be the Vermont Tour, the Maple Candy House, and

Hooligan Reunion.

I'm just, uh, I'm just, I'm passing through. What does it matter? Just sit

Let's get this show on the road.

Well, I can't, I can't stay. I, uh, I have a life.

Stay.

Better do it, Dick. You don't want to tick off Little Stinky.

Why don't you three hooligans sit over here and reminisce about the days of

while we sit over yonder? And hang on your every word, our mouths agape.

Hey, remember that time we soaked Mrs. Gordon's windows?

Hey, what about when we threw that snowball at Ms. Quigley's house?

Oh, you left out the day that we soaked old man Shapiro's windows and threw a

snowball at his house.

What a lame gang.

Hey, you ever think of starting up the old gang again? We'd join.

We could call ourselves the New Hooligans.

The New Munsters did it.

Oh, you kids today with your dreams and your bell -bottom trousers.

Starting the gang up again would just make us look silly.

Unless Dick joins.

What? Why, you'd lend credibility to the gang.

Everybody knows how sensible you are. We'd be sensible by association.

Forget it.

Oh, gee.

Sir, why put yourself out when you can just sit back and destroy people's

dreams?

You single -handedly dealt a death blow to the hooligans.

Even our arch -rivals, the ruffians, were never able to do that.

Okay, I'm a hooligan. All those in favor of Dick being gang leader, say aye.

Aye.

How did I get to be leader? Oh, you're the sensible one.

I used to be.

All right, all right.

My first act as hooligan leader is to adjourn this meeting till next year.

Dick, we know you're anxious to strut around town telling everyone you're a

hooligan. But first we have to assign new nicknames to all the new members.

Now, let's see. Since you're the brains, your nickname should be something

like...

Brains.

Very apropos.

If this Mr. Rusnak works in a shoe store, he'll be laces.

I'd rather be leather.

We're going with laces. It's less pornographic.

And since Michael spends way too much money on clothing, we'll call him

horse.

Gang -ish, yet fashionable.

I'll trade you. Yeah, right, like I'd want to be called Laces.

I just want to compliment everyone on how much we've accomplished today, but

once again, the meeting is adjourned. Not so fast, Brains.

We still have to order the jackets.

Oh, yeah, jackets.

Okay, uh...

Hoods or not?

Oh, we're hoods, all right.

Stay with the program, Pliers.

Do we want hoods on our jackets?

Well,

Vermont has gotten colder in recent years.

Hooligans aren't afraid of the cold. Some of us hooligans have poor

And when your head's warm, your body's warm.

I don't agree. Now, what if on a snowy day you went out without pants?

wearing a hat. Are you saying it wouldn't be cold?

You're muddying the issue. We will be wearing pants.

Hooligans have always worn pants.

The problem I have with hoods is that damn string.

That damn string is what prevents the hood from flapping in the breeze.

But sometimes the string slips inside the hood and you can't pull it out.

Just... Just tie knots in the ends. That's my secret. Yeah, well, what kind

knots are we talking about? Enough already!

We're going with hoods, and that's that. Now, I adjourn this meeting till next

year. No, you mean till next week. We still have to pick up the jackets.

Fine, we meet next week, and then we adjourn till next year.

Is that a year from today or a year from next week?

brains as having a stroke.

So what do you hooligans have planned for today?

Gonna thump some windows or throw some snowballs?

We're waiting for our gang jackets to arrive so bare.

Oh, Joanna, they're getting jackets.

What's next, gang nightshirts?

Yeah, this used to be a quiet town.

Then the hooligans wrote in and gave us something to laugh at.

What's their problem?

Oh, women always laughed at us hooligans.

That's why none of us ever dated till we were well past 30.

Remember, you're hooligans, not ruffians.

Brains.

Flyers.

Clothes hearts.

Laces.

Little stinky.

Just throw it in the dryer for a week. It'll shrink.

Did my jacket also say hula gals?

Don't worry.

It does.

Now, how'd that happen?

This might explain things.

Next to my order, George checked extra, extra large.

And under gang name, he wrote hula gals.

Darn if I know what I was thinking.

Why we left the ordering to Pliers instead of Clothes Horse is beyond me.

Well, there's only one thing to do, send back our jackets, disband the gang, and

live happily ever after.

Or we change the name of our gang to Hooligals. Hey, that's great!

an opened window.

That's the ruffian's calling card.

It's from the ruffian.

Unembossed stationery.

Well, the ruffian's leader owns a print shop.

Fine work at reasonable prices.

Dear hooligans, we heard you're back together. You are cordially invited to

attend a rumble at 2 .15 this afternoon in the alley behind Miss Dana's

Tap and Twirl.

Wow, our first rumble. This will keep the gals from laughing at us hooligans.

Right.

As gang secretary, I'm checking the will attend box.

This afternoon, we rumble.

Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble.

Oh, Brain.

I washed your hooligal jacket.

Shouldn't you be getting ready for your rumble?

Not if I'm not going.

Oh, come on. You'll disappoint your little hooligal pals.

masculinity in one room is making me swoon.

One thing about being a hooligal, you get to hear a lot of sarcasm.

We went over to the alley and picked up all the broken glass and things. This

way there'll be no injuries.

Yeah, you know, you wouldn't want to get hurt at a rumble.

We even scraped up all the gum and hosed down the area.

Boy, a person could eat off that asphalt.

Laces did.

Trying to get my nickname changed to Oinker.

Michael, I made you lunch for the rumble.

There's hot cocoa.

a Twinkie, and a Flintstone vitamin.

Now, don't go trading the ruffians for things their mommies put in their

lunchbox.

Do my eyes mislead me, or is my merciful muffin getting lap lines?

So, brains, ready to rumble?

No, no, but you guys go and have a good time.

Tell the ruffians I say yo.

You make me sick.

Could be all that alley food you're eating.

Pretty soon that guy won't have any tires left.

Hey.

It's a beautiful turkey from the ruffians.

Now I feel bad about all those nasty things we said about them.

Suppose now we have to cook them something.

Here, brains.

This is addressed to you.

Did I mention you make me sick?

I believe you did.

Dear brains, we knew you'd turkey out.

You don't have the giblets to rumble.

Sincerely, the ruffians.

Gobbler must have sent this. His father owns that turkey farm over in Tyville.

Delicious birds at reasonable prices.

So, Brains, you, uh, turking out?

Do you have giblets?

I have giblets. I may not know what they are, but I'm sure I have them.

Well, come on, let's go, hula gals. We've only got the alley until 2 .30.

Yeah,

and I got a knife fight at the freight yard at 3.

Looks like those ruffians are late. I bet they got cold giblets.

You guys

are

more pitiful looking than I remember.

And that's not saying much.

Well, since Brains is our leader now, he'll be the one responding to your

Oh, so you're Brains, huh?

What's this, your dad's jacket?

No, it's not my dad's jacket.

My wife tried to shrink it.

But it, uh... It didn't... It didn't work.

Good comeback, Brains. Very factual.

Hey, that jacket's a hula gal's. Sounds like we're fighting a bunch of Hawaiian

dancing girls.

Oh, yeah?

Another bar for you to respond to.

Maybe there's something about Hawaii being the 50th state.

You guys are kind of brave for a gang called Puffians.

Okay, okay.

Glass houses.

It's Wrench's fault.

He did the ordering.

Wrench. What a silly name.

You tell them, Pliers.

Hey, look, we didn't come here to gab.

Or did we? I've never been to one of these.

We came to rumble. So let's rumble. Rumble, rumble, rumble. We're not gonna

rumble. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I'm not turking out.

I just think that rumbling is stupid.

Speaking of stupid, your name is Beauty?

I used to be quite a looker.

Well, I was.

Maybe Brains would rather be home writing one of his how -to books.

You know, the ones with all those grammatical errors.

My books don't have grammatical errors.

It is important to gently hammer the towel racks into position.

You split an infinitive?

Tell me it ain't so, brains.

The publisher rushed me on that book. I suppose it was your publisher's fault.

You used a dangling participle, double negatives, and all -around poor sentence

structure.

You know, you got a lot of nerve criticizing the work that I devoted my

Did I just hear you end a sentence with a preposition?

How would you feel if I said that your father strangled the turkeys all wrong?

So your book's garbage.

Well, we'll just put it where it belongs.

That's it.

We rumble!

and Jerome Robbins without a choreographer were pretty much dead in

What did you do the other times you rumbled?

We never rumbled before.

We never had a reason.

Come to think of it, we don't have a reason now.

Yes, we do. The Puffians insulted my books.

No, that's your reason, not ours.

get us involved in your vendettas.

Yeah, I think we should all go home and start thinking about next year's jacket.

Hey, wait a minute. Nobody's going home.

After everything I've gone through, I'm entitled to a rumble.

Rumble.

Rumble.

How about if the two of us just arm wrestle?

Would that make you a happy guy?

Arm wrestling's good. Oh, all right.

Come on.

We just clean.

Okay. Come on, Bray. On three. Come on, beauty.

Come on. One. Take them down. Two. Get your head in it, Bray. Three. Come on,

Bray.

Oh, shut up.

All right, Prange, you got us this time, but there's always next year.

Knock wood, we're still alive.

We'll be ready, Puffians.

Yeah, I got you, Puffy, right here.

Well, now that we've won, what do we do?

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to Disneyland.