Original subtitles

Stephanie, are those headphones?

Actually, they're womb phones.

Womb phones?

Why? See, yesterday there was this German psychologist on that gab show,

Female.

I taped it by accident.

Like you accidentally tape the bold and the beautiful every day?

I only watch it for the bold stuff.

Anyway, this... A German expert said that children in the womb, or womb

can actually hear sounds before they're born.

And what are the young kids listening to these days?

Oh, Mother Goose and that sesame seed stuff.

But not our little biddle.

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump.

Today's tykes are tomorrow's tycoons.

Stephanie, I think you're putting too much pressure on the baby.

You should feel what it's doing to my bladder.

Down. This bad boy better blow.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top. Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Hardest working grocery clerk in Vermont.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Cans on the bottom.

What's on top?

Eggs. Right.

Restless night, George?

Oh, I've been tossing and turning a lot lately.

It's this recurring nightmare I keep having over and over and over again.

Yeah, recurring nightmares are better, you know, when you only have them, like,

once.

What's it about?

Well, I'm standing on this really high cliff, surrounded by a bluish fog, just

like in those rock videos, only I'm not wearing spandex pants.

That would be a nightmare.

A glittery figure is standing behind me, whispering, jump, George, jump.

And just as I turn to see who it is, I'm pushed off the cliff into the unknown.

I start falling, and just when I'm about to hit the ground, boing, I wake up.

Well, you know, that's because if you hit the ground, you'd die.

And they say, you know, if you die in your dreams, that you're really dying.

I didn't know that.

Well, you know, it's just what they say.

Well, they wouldn't say it if they didn't mean it.

George, trust me. You don't have to worry about dying in your sleep.

You bet I don't, because I'm never going to sleep again.

Anybody want coffee?

It's caffeinated.

I think I'll pass, George. Normally, I love a big jolt of caffeine, you know,

just before bedtime.

You're not really planning to stay up forever.

Why not?

Maybe man doesn't really need sleep.

Probably just a lazy habit that he's gotten used to.

I knew you'd mock me.

George Utley to stay awake for the rest of life.

Dick Loudon expected to mock him.

The new editor is really on top of things.

Nice old photo of you with your watermelon.

Oh, thanks.

That was taken the night of my senior prom.

I tried to get a date.

Is this a schedule?

Yeah. Some of my pals are taking turns coming over to keep me awake.

You have me down for the 5 a .m. shift.

Well, good night, George. I'm off to bed.

Sweet.

Never mind.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother, Daryl.

my first shift is here.

We come bearing gifts, not unlike three wise men on another special night.

I gather you bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh?

Oh, Dick, you gather incorrectly yet again.

Though you did happen to name two of our accountants.

Gold and myrrh? No, frank and incense.

A thermos of warm milk, your favorite bedtime stories, and Burl Ives'

album.

I thought the object was to keep George awake.

That's where these come in.

Nice, sharp knitting needles.

George, listen, I hate to tell you this. I know...

You know, you're scared, but... I mean, you've got to sleep.

Ah!

You made your point, and now Daryl has made his.

Guess I can sleep on my stomach.

It looks like your brothers have had enough excitement for one evening.

They've never been once for small talk.

That's why they continually refuse to attend Mary and Swifty Lazar's post

party at Spago's.

You know, Larry, we've known each other a long time.

I'll bet we have a lot in common.

Like what?

Well, we both wear hats.

Hey, you're right.

Want to switch?

Okay.

Want to switch back?

Okay.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

Morning, Dick.

You remember Miss Goddard, the town librarian?

Hop aboard. There's always room for another cute boy, Bunny.

Mr. Rosnock, circus with cues?

Touch my hips and die.

Not anymore, George.

Hey, you're early for your shift.

This is bunny hopping time.

George, the 50s were bunny hopping time.

4 a .m. is... It's sleeping time.

It's guys like you who kill the hustle.

Why don't you take this hop -a -thon back to your place?

And wake my elk?

You keep an elk in your apartment?

I've got two bedrooms.

Well, then, you got the room.

George, your bunny hopping is waking up the entire inn.

Larry and the guys don't mind the noise.

They've been... Larry says they chase

cars in their sleep.

I've seen them do it awake.

Get on the top, boys. Time for another bunny hop sandwich.

No, no sandwich.

Everyone out of here and go to sleep.

If George sleeps, he dreams. If he dreams, he dies.

Is that what you want, Loudon?

Miss Goddard, you're an educated woman. Tell George it's just an old wives'

tale.

Oh, George, I don't want you...

It's moments like these that make me wish God had given me emotions.

It's moments like these that make me question this town's sanity.

If I have to die, I want to die a hero's death, like fixing a TV antenna in the

middle of a thunderstorm.

Not like some cartoon coyote falling off a cliff.

Pardon me, but Wile E. Coyote never actually dies.

The impact just forces his legs into his head and he walks around all squished

up for a few minutes.

Well, I don't want that to happen either.

Well, maybe you could try flapping your arms before you crash like this.

That'll work.

Well, I don't know. My arms aren't as mighty as yours.

I'd better just stay awake.

Perhaps I could provide some alluring diversions.

Hey, no diversions in my inn.

George, I'm worried about you. I mean, bunny hopping at four in the morning.

I think you need professional help. From Arthur Murray?

No, from Dr. Mary Kaiser.

Everybody knows no Utley has ever been to a psychiatrist.

Well, you know, I knew no Utley had ever been to a chiropractor. Do you think I

need a shrink?

I thought you were my friend. Look, George, I'll... I'm not finished.

Or was I?

I guess maybe I was. No, no, there's more.

You may think I'm confused, but...

There are two things I'm absolutely sure of.

One is that I don't need therapy.

And what's the other one? I bunny hop or I die.

Right.

That's why I'm checking out at 7 a .m.

I'll hop, hop, hop over to the Ramada and get some sleep.

I wish you'd give us another shot. This really is a very peaceful little inn.

You know, Dick, I can't help noticing this wall doesn't do anything.

They just hold up those pictures.

And the fireplace and the ceiling and the big support beam that supports

everything in the end.

I don't care. I'm taking her down.

George, George, you've been awake for 32 hours. You're tired, very tired.

Give me the salt.

Turn it off for me.

George, why don't you just busy yourself with something else?

Well, there is that leaky gas line in the basement.

I'll get my blowtorch. George!

Why don't you just tinker?

Yeah, I can tinker.

I can tinker better than anyone.

Don't sleep, tinker.

Don't sleep, just tinker.

Tinker!

Morning.

Oh, hi. I was just coming up to wake you.

A simple tap on the shoulder would have suffice.

Something wrong?

The womb phones double -crossed us.

We thought Trump was teaching our baby how to use strong -arm tactics to wangle

other babies out of their millions.

But the tape wasn't playing.

All this time, the recorder was switched to radio.

AM radio.

to a country western station.

Ew.

Oh, God. Right now our child is doing a two -step.

Well, it certainly has wound to dance.

Nice, Dick. A pathetic pun during our moment of crisis.

Oh, don't listen to Dick. I don't.

Why don't the two of you go get some breakfast?

I suppose a nice bowl of grits would help.

Michael! Did you hear what I said? I said grits! What's happening to me?

It's the demon hayseed inside you.

Oh, Michael!

Please promise me we won't have to move to the Ozarks.

I wish I could, Steph, but I can't.

been bothering you too, George? Oh, no.

I like this wall.

These are just love taps.

What a dick, Dick.

Yeah, all right. I'd better call for an appointment with Dr.

Kaiser.

You want to make one for me too?

The receptionist said that Dr.

Kaiser would be right out.

As soon as she revs up her atomic brain machine.

She doesn't use machines, George. She just talks.

Okay, but she better not get personal.

That's her job, George.

Don't you understand the concept of therapy?

Maybe I don't. Or maybe you're just transferring hostility to avoid

your own feelings of inadequacy.

Hello. You must be George.

It's like she's undressing my mind with her eyes.

And Dick, I haven't seen you since that marriage counseling group last year.

And how is your lovely ex -wife, Joanna?

We're still married.

Lost that bet.

And now, if you don't mind. Oh, right. I'll just, I'll wait.

Outside. Well, then, where shall we start?

I don't want to die.

Let's start there.

Would you like to lie down? Okay.

I see your little game.

I lie down, and all my change falls between the cushions.

You found me out, George.

Oh, that ain't gonna happen, lady.

I think what we should do is have you close your eyes, relax, and describe

your dream to me.

Well, I'm standing on this cliff.

And you're covered in a hazy sort of bluish fog.

How did you know?

I read it in the paper.

And that glittery figure is standing behind you. Uh -huh. And it's about to

me off. Let it, George. Let it. I don't want it to.

Too late. I'm falling.

Falling. Falling.

Falling. George.

Falling. Falling. Can you hear me, George? Falling.

Falling.

George. I'm still falling.

Falling. Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Where am I?

Johnny Cake Pond.

Oh, yeah.

And that's Johnny Cake Cliff. You're right.

You see, you didn't die.

You did land in the water, though.

Oh, yeah. I was wondering why my shorts were sticking to me.

Are you God?

No. Are you God's wife?

No. But I am world -renowned figure skater Peggy Fleming.

Yeah, you are Peggy Fleming. And that's the glittery outfit you wore at

Grenoble, France when you were the figure skating champion in the 1968

Olympics. Oh, George.

You're making me blush.

Hey, you're the one that keeps pushing me off that cliff. What the heck's wrong

with you?

Well, I'm doing it to help you get over your fear.

Of dying?

No, of swimming.

Swimming?

Well, that's right.

I never learned how.

Hey, you know, the kids used to tease me because I wouldn't jump off that cliff.

Well, no one's ever going to tease you again.

Why, are you going to run over their feet with your ice skates?

No, I'm just here to remind you that swimming lessons begin at your local

next week.

Oh, yeah.

I keep seeing that flyer in the hardware store. Wait a minute.

Wouldn't this dream have more impact if you were a swimmer? This is your dream,

not mine, George.

Good point.

You want to do a little skinny dipping?

This dream is over, George. But remember...

It's never too late to learn to swim.

It's never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

Heaven's too great to spurn within.

That's it.

I believe that George has finally learned to face his fears by seeing

More as a passage than as an end.

I thought he was saying never too late to learn to swim.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's why I have this wall of diplomas.

Anyway, I'm free now if there's anything you would care to discuss.

Actually, there is.

There is something.

Do you ever have the feeling...

that you're the only sane person in a town full of crazies.

Is that how you feel?

All the time.

I see.

Well, my appointment book is in the outer office. Why don't I just go and

you down for, oh, every day next week?

Oh, no, see, I can't afford, uh...

Where's George?

We brought him some Retina A cream.

Not sleeping is like putting out a welcome mat for wrinkles.

And tell him it's very expensive. He should only use it on the parts of his

that show.

Actually, George's sleeping problems are over.

Deja, coincidence.

So are our wolf on woes.

Wheelie.

If our little doggie wants to be a C &W singer, that's OK Corral with us.

Although I still won't do a mother -daughter thing like the Judds.

You know, I... I think you've grown as people.

Oh, I would never say that.

You realize how much money there is in country? I mean, our little coal miner's

daughter, or son, has the potential to rake in bazillions.

Come on, Michael. I'll cook you up a mess of corn bones and a heap of

Jambalaya.

Oh, Stephanie, you forgot your wrinkle cream.

Why don't I just leave it there, Joanna?

And later, when you're all alone, I'm sure you'll do the honorable thing.

Well, that does it.

I don't care if their kid's album goes platinum. I'm not going to buy it.

You don't think I need this, do you, honey?

I think George missed the wall over here.

Stephanie, are those headphones?

Actually, they're womb phones.

Womb phones?

Why? See, yesterday there was this German psychologist on that gab show,

Female.

I taped it by accident.

Like you accidentally tape the bold and the beautiful every day?

I only watch it for the bold stuff.

Anyway, this German expert said that children in the womb, or womb kinder,

actually hear sounds before they're born.

And what are the young kids listening to these days?

Oh, Mother Goose and that sesame seed stuff.

But not our little biddle.

The art of the deal by Donald Trump?

Today's tykes are tomorrow's tycoons.

Stephanie, I think you're putting too much pressure on the baby.

You should feel what it's doing to my bladder.

Down. This bad boy better blow.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top. Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Hardest working grocery clerk in Vermont.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Cans on the bottom.

What's on top?

Eggs. Right.

Restless night, George?

Oh, I've been tossing and turning a lot lately.

It's this recurring nightmare I keep having over and over and over again.

Yeah, recurring nightmares are better, you know, when you only have them like

once.

What's it about?

Well, I'm standing on this really high cliff, surrounded by a bluish fog, just

like in those rock videos.

only I'm not wearing spandex pants.

Yeah, that would be a nightmare.

A glittery figure is standing behind me, whispering, jump, George, jump.

And just as I turn to see who it is, I'm pushed off the cliff into the unknown.

I start falling, and just when I'm about to hit the ground, boing, I wake up.

Well, you know, that's because if you hit the ground, you die.

And they say, you know, if you die in your dreams, that you really die.

I didn't know that.

Well, you know, it's just what they say.

Well, they wouldn't say it if they didn't mean it.

George, trust me. You don't have to worry about dying in your sleep.

You bet I don't, because I'm never going to sleep again.

Anybody want coffee?

It's caffeinated.

I think I'll pass, George. Normally, I love a big jolt of caffeine, you know,

just before bedtime.

You're not really planning to stay up forever.

Why not?

Maybe man doesn't really need sleep.

Probably just a lazy habit that he's gotten used to.

I knew you'd mock me.

George Utley to stay awake for the rest of life.

Dick Loudon expected to mock him.

The new editor is really on top of things.

Nice old photo of you with your watermelon.

Oh, thanks.

That was taken the night of my senior prom.

I tried to get a date.

Is this a schedule?

Yeah, some of my pals are taking turns coming over to keep me awake.

You have me down for the 5 a .m. shift.

Well, good night, George. I'm off to bed.

Sweet... Never mind.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl. Hey, my first

shift is here.

We come bearing gifts, not unlike three wise men on another special night.

I gather you bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh?

Oh, Dick, you gather incorrectly yet again.

Though you did happen to name two of our accountants.

and myrrh? No, frank and incense.

A thermos of warm milk, your favorite bedtime stories, and Burl Ives'

album.

I thought the object was to keep George awake.

That's where these come in.

Nice, sharp knitting needles.

George, listen, I hate to tell you this. I know, you know, you're scared, but...

I mean, you've got to sleep.

Ah!

You made your point, and now Daryl has made his.

Guess I can sleep on my stomach.

It looks like your brothers have had enough excitement for one evening.

They've never been once for small talk.

That's why they continually refuse to attend Mary and Swifty Lazar's post

party at Spago's.

You know, Larry, we've known each other a long time.

I'll bet we have a lot in common.

Like what?

Well, we both wear hats.

Hey, you're right.

Want to switch?

Okay.

Want to switch back?

Okay.

Hop, hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

Morning, Dick.

You remember Miss Goddard, the town librarian?

Hop aboard. There's always room for another cute boy, Bunny.

Mr. Rosnock of Circus of Shoes, touch my hips and die.

Not anymore, George.

Hey, you're early for your shift.

This is bunny hopping time.

George, the 50s were bunny hopping time.

4 a .m. is... It's sleeping time.

It's guys like you who kill the hustle.

Why don't you take this hop -a -thon back to your place?

And wake my elk?

You keep an elk in your apartment?

I've got two bedrooms.

Well, then, you got the room.

George, your bunny hopping is waking up the entire inn.

Larry and the guys don't mind the noise.

They've been... Larry says they chase

cars in their sleep.

I've seen them do it awake.

Hand the chalk, boys. Time for another bunny hop sandwich.

No, no sandwich.

Everyone out of here and go to sleep.

If George sleeps, he dreams. If he dreams, he dies.

Is that what you want, Loudon?

Miss Goddard, you're an educated woman. Tell George it's just an old wives'

tale.

Oh, George, I don't want you...

It's moments like these that make me wish God had given me emotions.

It's moments like these that make me question this town's sanity.

If I have to die, I want to die a hero's death, like fixing a TV antenna in the

middle of a thunderstorm.

Not like some cartoon coyote falling off a cliff.

Pardon me, but Wile E. Coyote never actually dies.

The impact just forces his legs into his head and he walks around all squished

up for a few minutes.

Well, I don't want that to happen either.

Well, maybe you could try flapping your arms before you crash like this.

That'll work.

Well, I don't know. My arms aren't as mighty as yours.

I'd better just stay awake. Perhaps I could provide some alluring diversion.

Hey, no diversions in my inn.

George, I'm worried about you. I mean, bunny hopping at four in the morning.

I think you need professional help. From Arthur Murray?

No, from Dr. Mary Kaiser.

Dick, everybody knows no Utley has ever been to a psychiatrist.

Well, you know, I knew no Utley had ever been to a chiropractor. Do you think I

need a shrink?

I thought you were my friend. Look, George, I'll... I'm not finished.

Or was I?

I guess maybe I was. No, no, there's more.

You may think I'm confused, but there are two things I'm absolutely sure of.

One is that I don't need therapy.

And what's the other one? I bunny hop or I die.

Come on, George, grab my hips and live!

I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Right. That's why I'm checking out at 7 a .m.

I'll hop, hop, hop over to the Ramada and get some sleep.

I wish you'd give us another shot. This really is a very peaceful little end.

I can't help noticing this wall doesn't do anything except hold up those

pictures.

And the fireplace, and the ceiling, and the big support beam that supports

everything in the end. I don't care. I'm taking her down.

George, George, you've been awake for 32 hours. You're tired, very tired.

Give me the salt.

Turn it off for me.

George, why don't you just...

Bid to yourself with something else.

Well, there is that leaky gas line in the basement.

I'll get my blowtorch. George!

Why don't you just tinker? Yeah, I can tinker. I can tinker better than anyone.

Don't sleep, tinker.

Don't sleep, just tinker.

Tinker!

Morning. Oh, hi. I was just coming up to wake you.

A simple tap on the shoulder would have sufficed.

Something wrong?

The womb phones double -crossed us.

We thought Trump was teaching our baby how to use strong -arm tactics to wangle

other babies out of their millions.

But the tape wasn't playing.

All this time, the recorder was switched to radio.

AM radio.

to a country western station.

Ew.

Oh, God. Right now our child is doing a two -step.

Well, it certainly has wound to dance.

Nice, Dick. A pathetic pun during our moment of crisis.

Oh, don't listen to Dick. I don't.

Why don't the two of you go get some breakfast?

I suppose a nice bowl of grits would help.

Michael! Did you hear what I said? I said grits! What's happening to me?

It's the demon hayseed inside you.

Oh, Michael!

Please promise me we won't have to move to the Ozarks.

I wish I could, Steph, but I can't. Oh!

That, uh... That was... That wall been bothering you too, George? Oh, no.

I like this wall.

These are just love taps.

Not a dick, Dick.

Yeah, all right. I'd better call for an appointment with Dr.

Kaiser.

You want to make one for me too?

The receptionist said that Dr. Kaiser would be right out.

As soon as she revs up her atomic brain machine.

She doesn't use machines, George. She just talks.

Okay, but she better not get personal.

That's her job, George.

Don't you understand the concept of therapy?

Maybe I don't. Or maybe you're just transferring hostility to avoid

your own feelings of inadequacy.

Hello. You must be George.

It's like she's undressing my mind with her eyes.

And Dick, I haven't seen you since that marriage counseling group last year.

And how is your lovely ex -wife, Joanna?

We're still married.

Lost that bet.

And now, if you don't mind. Oh, right. I'll just, I'll wait.

Well, then, where shall we start?

I don't want to die.

Let's start there.

Would you like to lie down? Okay.

I see your little game.

I lie down, all my change falls between the cushions.

You found me out, George.

Oh, that ain't gonna happen, lady.

I think what we should do is have you close your eyes, relax, and describe

dream to me.

Well, I'm standing on this cliff.

And you're covered in a hazy sort of bluish fog.

How did you know?

I read it in the paper.

And that glittery figure...