Original subtitles

All right, one free guess as to how we spent our morning.

Serving meals at the Mission?

No, we've been shopping.

We were at the mall bagging more goodies for our Bambino to be.

Can Baby Harris come out to play?

Oh, my God, two more months of this.

Michael, get up. I feel a mood swing coming on.

Stephanie, your mother just called. She's helicoptering up to see you today.

Allow me to lend a limb.

Oh, thank you.

Guess you want me to haul this up to your room, huh?

Ixnay, Jorge.

The Papoose paraphernalia goes next door in room seven.

I thought we decided seven would be the baby's viewing room.

Fake to differ, Mama -san, but when we knock down the wall between five and

seven becomes six. See, an eight turns into a little... Michael, we're not

knocking down any walls.

Wouldn't dream of it.

George is.

Sounds like fun, old mule.

Well, I'd like to have lunch first, young ass.

Listen, we don't mind your staying here when the baby comes, but in one room

with the original four walls.

Joanna, you can't expect us to live in the same room as a baby.

What if it cries or something and wakes me up?

In the morning, I'll be all cranky and I'll look like hell.

Oh, well, if it'll keep you from waking up puffy -faced to cut the damn place.

You mean it? No.

Methinks we three peas need a new pod.

Of course.

Let's buy a house.

He thinks the three peas are out of their shells.

Michael, you can't afford a house.

You're a bad boy.

You barely make minimum wage.

Plus tips.

Mrs. Levinson's always good for a buck.

More if I'm wearing my stone -washed 501s.

But surely we stray.

Have you considered renting?

Oh, Joanna.

Amanda Kellan doesn't rent.

Okay, but if you change your mind, I'm handling a rental that just came on.

Do you know the Enright Estate up on Johnny Cake Heights?

Do we know it? Oh, sweetmeat, that mansion's mucho magnifico.

And it would be fitting for us to look down on the town.

Almost, almost poetic.

It's the guest house that's for rent, and that's only until the main house

sells. Oh, darn.

There's that pesky reality again.

Don't crumble, Muffin. Let's take a pregnant pause and peruse the positives.

We'd have an impressive mailing address creating the illusion of wealth. Nothing

to scoff at there.

And we could still look down on the town.

And just because the house is small, that doesn't mean your egos have to be.

He's right.

When can we move in?

Well, we can go look at it now.

Wonderful. Okay.

We'll take it.

Stephanie, this is the main house. The guest house is out there.

Behind that old garage?

On top of that old garage.

Michael! Talk about your convenient parking, though.

Don't fret, my worried pet. We haven't seen the inside yet.

Key, please?

Well, I think it's in the kitchen, but it's not really a key.

It's more like a garage door opener.

Right, like that won't look clunky on my Tiffany keychain.

Oh, but this place.

Michael, can you imagine how glorious this room would look filled with

of us?

And we'd finally have room for that mural I've always wanted to paint a few.

You mean the Four Seasons of Stephanie?

Oh, but we can't afford this place. Why are we torturing ourselves?

And others.

But I love you, you big, beautiful house.

Stephanie? He loves me, too.

That's Joanna.

I'm still trying to find the garage door opener. It's so big, you'd think it'd

be easy to spot.

Oh, Michael, this is the longest hallway I've... Look, there's no end to it.

There's got to be. Tie me in a hall dash.

Ready, set...

Bet you can't.

Ready, set, go.

Do you see him yet?

Oh, wait, I think that's him.

Come on, baby, run to mama.

Ten seconds. A new personal best.

I could have done it in nine, but I stopped for a second to eyeball the

-outdoor pool.

and your whole life long you've had that recurring dream about owning a pool

like that.

Is that the same dream where you're tied to the diving board by Fiona, the

rubber -suited mistress?

No, my mistake. What am I thinking of? That's my dream.

Ew.

Okay, I found the opener.

Joanna, I want this house. I don't care what it costs. I want it.

It's a million two.

Think they'll come down?

Michael, you can't even afford the two part.

Oh, Michael, Dick's right. We don't have enough money to buy this place.

I'll just have to ask Mommy to buy it for us.

Yes! Yes!

Dear diary, today I decided to leave Vermont.

Mommy's coming.

Mommy's coming.

Mommy's coming. Mommy's coming.

Now, Michael, remember, let me do all the talking. I know how to pull this

woman's strings and make her dance like a drunken puppet.

Steffi. Mommy.

Joanna.

Mrs. Vanderkellen.

Dick.

Hello, Michael.

Pleasure as always, Mrs. V.

Well, pregnancy certainly becomes you. Oh, I think we all knew it would.

I can't get over how much you're looking like him bathing her these days.

Am I right, Jack?

Uncanny.

Nobody wears Elizabeth Taylor's passion like you, Lady Vanderkeld.

My, your husband seems to be sucking up more than usual.

Okay, what do you two want?

Want?

We're young and beautiful with a baby on the way. What more could we possibly

want?

She spotted her prey.

Oh, I suppose we could use a little housewarming gift.

Let's see. We have a coffee grinder and a juicer.

Michael, do you have a house?

A house? Not that I recall.

They're circling their victim.

I see through your little charade.

You want me to fork over a down payment on some cute cottage.

And now the kill.

Bottom line, Mom, we want you to buy us a big, big mansion.

How much?

Only a million, too, and there's room for a mural of me.

It's a very soft million, too.

The owners are flexible, motivated, and willing to carry.

What does all that mean?

I'm not sure, but I bet someone in my office knows.

Normally, if it's over a million, I'm supposed to consult with my husband.

See, honey, I'm not the only one who subscribes to that policy.

But Arthur is buying an election in Central America right now.

Oh, what the heck, I'll pop for the house.

Yes! Yes!

Damn, you're a granddad.

There is, however, one provision.

Stephanie, as you may have noticed, you have no siblings.

That's why at Christmas I get all the presents.

That's what Christmas is all about.

Alas, there's nobody to carry on the family name.

So, Michael, Mr. Vandercallen and I have discussed making you an offer.

Offer? The timing couldn't be more fortuitous. In exchange for this big,

mansion, we'd simply like you to change your last name to Vandercallen.

What? You want me to sell my name, my legacy, my very being for some house?

That is correct.

Okie doke.

off the master bedroom.

Well, right now it's a walk -in closet, but you could turn it into a darling

nursery for the baby. Michael, did you hear that? A walk -in closet.

Holy Imelda, we're blessed.

Michael, hasn't it occurred to you you sold your soul for a lot of closet

No.

Well, don't you get it? When you give away your name, you're giving away your

identity, your integrity.

Dick, when we got married, I gave away my name.

Are you saying I gave away my identity and integrity?

Of course not.

Why is that?

You're a woman.

Meaning?

Meaning you're not a man.

So?

So it's different.

What do you mean it's different?

It's not the same.

Dick, I know what different means.

Good. Glad we cleared that up.

Dick, you're sitting here.

Yeah.

For years, you've been sitting at that table, and now you're sitting at this

table. I don't like it.

I didn't mean to rot your world, George.

Hey, quick quiz, G -Man. Say you were offered a hippo house to change your

name. Go or no go?

Heck, a man's name is his most important possession.

Once it's gone, he's no better than some lost, forgotten animal who roams the

streets, eating rotten garbage and sleeping on dungeons.

But that's just me.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my book.

Talk about your unsettling spectacles.

I know, I know. I normally sit over there. Now I'm sitting here. I just felt

capricious, okay?

I was alluding to the chunk of blueberry stuck to your front tooth.

No, Daryl. You let Dick lick off that blueberry he's felt.

See, Daryl, you were wrong.

Just because Michael's taken on Miss Stephanie's name doesn't mean he's

into a femme fatale.

Although, with his legs crossed in that sultry manner, he does resemble a young

Shirley Booth.

Question.

Would you quirky crossbred country kinsmen consider mangling your monikers

mansion on the mount?

First off, kudos on your spectacular, if not excessive, alliterative skills.

Your query is moot, however.

Since years ago, Daryl altered his given name to avoid confusion both at home

and at obedience school.

What did Daryl's name used to be?

Larry.

So you guys do approve of me taking the Vanderkellen name?

What?

We thought you were taking Miss Stephanie's lilting first name.

Selling your last name would mean losing your identity and integrity.

We'd sooner brush our teeth than change our last name.

Come on, Daryl.

I said, come on, Daryl.

That's me. Did I do right?

I mean, even Larry and the guys think I shouldn't change my last name.

Michael, they also think they're dogs.

Still. Come on, let's go pick up tile samples before the store closes.

Mr. Vanderkellen.

Oh, I like that.

Michael, don't worry about losing your identity and integrity.

That only happens to women.

You, uh, you don't have much respect for me anymore, do you?

I see. Well, hear this.

No matter what name I go by, I'm still the man in this family.

Michael, I need you to run upstairs and get my purse.

The Louis Vuitton clutch or the Coach Classic? The Coach.

Rightio.

We'll, uh, continue this discussion later.

Oh, store.

Okay, so you didn't like the peach -colored grout I picked out.

It's not the grout, Steph. It's me.

I just had to see if this was all worth bidding adieu to my identity and

integrity. Michael, of course it is. That's a solid brass whip for her.

I know, I know.

But last year, when I... when I lost you and my job and a sizable section of my

sanity, all I had left was my name, and now I'm losing that.

But now you have me.

And a new job. And nearly all of your sanity.

You don't need your name anymore.

Eagle, did you swim in?

Oh, you know those linen pants are dry clean only.

Even done a tooth backstroking naked before escrow closes.

If it ever closes.

Come on.

You want to try for a new record in the hallway, Dash?

The time wouldn't be official.

I'm carrying about 20 pounds of water.

Tell me about it.

Okay.

I'm about to do something very unselfish.

You?

I guess this...

giving up your name thing is some kind of big deal to you, so I'm going to give

you permission to make up your own mind about it.

You are? You mean it's up to me? I can make this decision? Oh, stop rubbing my

nose in it.

Steph, am I the man of this family?

Well, Michael, you are a man.

And we are a family, so I guess in the technical sense.

So no matter what I decide, your feelings for me won't change?

No, Michael, I'll still love you.

Even if I have integrity?

Okay, okay, okay.

Thanks. I'll, uh, I'll meet you outside.

Where are you going?

Well, just in case I never see this place again.

a lovable lunatic.

Michael, you're dripping wet.

Dear boy, a Vanderkellen man is only permitted to wear wet trousers while at

sea.

I can wear wet pants anywhere I want.

I'm not giving up the Harris name.

No. No.

No. Yes.

My means may be meager, but I do own something of value.

My self -respect and my dignity.

Right, Dick?

Well, the words are there, Michael.

I see.

Darling, did you give Michael permission to make up his own mind?

Yeah.

Good night, all.

Didn't my little morality place weigh you even a smidge? Oh, goodness, yes. It

was very touching.

So, we still get the house?

Certainly not.

But you said it was touching.

I thought the sound of music was touching. But we didn't buy Christopher

a house.

Come to think of it, I believe we did.

He was most grateful.

Mommy, you can't do this.

Couldn't we negotiate or something?

Negotiate, right. Run with it, Steph. I'm listening.

Well, try this out.

Michael Van Harris.

I could live with that.

I couldn't. How about Michael Vandy Harris?

I think not.

Michael Vander Harris.

Sorry. Michael Vander Kell Harris.

Michael Vander Kellett. Hmm.

Michael Vander Kellett. Now that I love.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Excuse me for a second.

Doesn't that name sound vaguely familiar, Genevieve?

Quiet, Dick. There's a house in it for you.

Sorry, Mrs. V, no doubt.

You know, this situation reminds me of a certain young suitor from my past who

also had character in the courage of his convictions.

Daddy does have that way about him.

Oh, not your daddy. The boy I dumped for your daddy.

Your father had very little integrity.

But, man, was he loaded.

This other chap, did he go on to become a big tycoon, a captain of industry?

Actually, he died a penniless drunk.

And the jury is still out on you, young man. And you'll want to lose that

sweater. Certain men can't carry off pearls.

Look, I know that two of you feel miserable right now, but I...

I think you'll find that life, you know, is as wondrous as it can be. Oh, shut

up, Dick.

You know, that woman has been moody ever since she gave up her last name.

We're among the homeless.

You could still rent the guest house.

Good going, Dick. Do you stay up nights thinking of these sick ways to hurt us?

only when Carson is in rerun.

If you need a place to stay, the swallows have left their nest.

Oh, Michael, please don't make me live in a nest and having a baby, for God's

sake.

Uh, no. I mean, they were nesting in the carriage house out back, and now it's

empty. Really? You know, Steph, I always thought that rustic retreat had fixed

me up, Potench.

And it is on that little hill. We could still look down on Dick and Joanna.

Oh, you don't need a hill for that.

He's right.

Okay, we'll take it.

Do you think there's enough closet space?

Well, if George knocked a hole in the back wall and built a long hallway to

barn... You're right. Then that whole humongous barn could be our closet.

Well, your closet.

Dick, help me.

Sandra Kell Harris does have a certain sloth appeal.

Meow.