Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl, and this is my other brother,

Hi, fellas.

What's new?

It seems a few years back we borrowed some sugar from you and never returned

Today, as serendipity would have it, Daryl found it when he inadvertently

reached into the wrong pocket for his tube of Orogel.

Guys, why don't you just keep the sugar?

Joanna and I recently decided to come along.

Hypoglycemic.

We felt it with time.

Well, you know where it is if you start to get dizzy.

Excuse me, but I can't help noticing you pay your own gas bill.

Of course. Who else would pay it?

Johnny Carson pays ours.

Johnny Carson, the one that hosts the Tonight Show?

He has time to do both things.

It only takes a few minutes to write a check.

And he does have his Monday nights off.

Somehow I'm skeptical.

I'll show you the TV guy.

No, I mean about Johnny Carson paying their gas bill.

I don't think Dick believes this.

No, I'm just saying, you know, it seems far -fetched. You know, maybe if you had

said Jay Leno.

We've got better things to do than stand here and be humored by an ersatz

hypoglycemic.

Come on, Daryl. I guess there's no point in telling him who pays our cable bill.

I bet it's George Maharis.

Hi, Michael. How are things at the market?

Super.

Call me Mikey. Bag boys' names have to end in Y or I -E.

Some union thing.

I see you're bringing your work home, then. Yeah, it's Fred. It's one of the

fringe bands of the bag boy biz. You get all the day -old white and wheat you

want.

And since my crust runneth over, this bread's for you.

Thanks,

Mikey.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Michael.

Uh, this is Todd, a man.

Stephanie, I don't mind if you call Todd a man, Todd a date. Unless, of course,

he's not a date, in which case he's wasted a snoot full of good cologne.

So, so how was, how was your, uh, your date? Oh, great.

Just great.

What a great, great date.

Was it great for you, too?

The greatest.

Todd is such a date.

You make it easy.

I'll call you tomorrow.

You are great.

No, you are.

Great.

Well, I'm so glad you two hit it off. You know, sometimes when you fix people

up, it doesn't work out. And today, Todd's a lerp.

You wonder why you even bothered.

wrong with him?

He hasn't the vaguest idea how to treat a woman. He only told me I looked

ravishing four times.

The swine. Perhaps as a fetus, he didn't get enough oxygen.

I mean, the dress alone is worth going on and on about.

And then he took me to some stupid, boring play, the taming of the

True. I heard that, Dick.

Tiffany, if you had such a miserable time, why did you let him think you'd go

out with him again?

I didn't want to destroy him. And besides, since this whole thing's your

you'll have to destroy him for me. What?

Well, that seems fair.

Boy, there sure are a lot of losers out there.

And you seem to know them all.

Brainstorm, Steph. Let Michael find you someone. One special boy. One boy to

laugh with, to joke with.

Have a Coke with.

You'd do that for me? Who better than I?

We were a cupcake twin pack for five years.

I've read all your diaries.

What? Did I say I've read them? Well, hey, ravishing dress.

Good save.

Besides, I'd like to think I'm still your friend.

Well, I guess enough time has passed since we split up that we could be...

friends. And while you're finding a guy for me, I'll find a girl for you.

And I hope that she turns out to be someone who'll watch over ye.

Fantastic.

Now, where will we find thee someone?

Where else? The mall.

Steph, bad hair needs gel.

You're right.

How about her?

Tendency towards weight gain.

I can tell even without my calipers.

What an eye you have.

Him?

Doesn't know the 60s are over.

Maybe I'm not being critical enough.

Now, that passerby is possible. Excuse me, sir.

Could we ask you a few questions?

Sure.

Name? Dirk Anderson.

Occupation? Bag boy.

Ew.

Oh, sorry, Michael.

Dirkie?

Mikey?

I didn't recognize you without your day -old birthday cakes.

Is your adjusted growth income from line 30 of last year's tax return above $100

,000?

What are you, stupid? I've only been bagging for 12 years.

Thank you. Please move on.

What are these questions for, anyway?

Well, we're, uh, testing soft drinks.

Shouldn't you give me a soft drink to taste?

You don't make enough to taste our soft drinks.

Now, please move on.

See you at work -y, turkey.

Hey, how about her?

Has possibilities.

Excuse me.

Come over here, please.

Name?

Stacy Willows.

Favorite magazine?

National Review.

I'm not sure what that is, but I'm still taking points off.

sat through an entire Shakespeare play without falling asleep.

How could anyone fall asleep watching Shakespeare?

Well, if you have to ask that, please move on.

We have got to talk to mall security. They're letting in just about anything

these days.

Brett Schwenken.

Thank you. Please move on.

Hold, hold, please.

Steph, we've been here all day. Maybe, maybe we should lower our standards.

We're not lowering them to Schwenken.

Go, please.

Excuse me, but didn't the two of you once give me a fashion citation?

I don't see any obvious violations.

That's because your citation really had an effect on me. I was forced to

reevaluate my entire life and color sense.

I am now possibly the best -dressed bag boy in my grocery.

Brady?

Mikey? I didn't recognize you without your ripped sacks of flour.

They're in the car.

Well, keep up the good work, you hear?

Later.

Is it some sort of bag boy holiday?

Mall's closing in five minutes.

Oh, we can't leave yet. We haven't found our dates.

Why don't you go hang out with the other mall rats in front of Mr.

Stiffy's motel?

There's a lot of dates down there.

You don't understand.

We're doing a scientific survey to find our spiritual mates.

And you haven't interviewed me?

Name? Barber.

Floyd D. Barber.

Do you net over $100 ,000 a year?

No, but I will soon.

I just finished a screenplay and people are saying good things about it.

Very nice. Please move on.

Hey, how about her? She seems to have date survey potench.

Sure,

for the plain Jane type.

We better leave before your eyes go completely.

Excuse me, miss.

Can we ask you a few questions?

All right.

Name?

Jennifer Allison.

Sounds like it was changed from something.

Probably schwenken.

Favorite magazine?

Ooh, either Cosmo or Vogue.

Please don't make me choose which one.

Michael, she's all wrong for you. She's wishy -washy.

Hey, are you two screening for dates?

How do you know?

They do the same thing all the time.

I haven't had much luck, though.

Of course, I've never surveyed you before.

How do you feel about Shakespeare?

Oh, I love him.

He makes the best pizza in the mall.

Wipe off that frown and cheer up. Put on a happy face. This is my dream girl.

worth of gas bill receipts.

Johnny Carson paid this gas bill.

He wrote this?

No, I did.

That doesn't prove that he pays your gas bill.

I see.

So you're implying that we'd mess up a perfectly good gas bill just to pull off

an elaborate hoax.

We're shocked.

In fact,

Carol can't even look you in the eye.

It has nothing to do with that style of his.

Dick, I can't help feeling a little hurt.

Why is that, George?

Well, Johnny Carson pays their gas bill.

Who's ever offered to pay mine?

George, I pay your gas bill.

And that's the best I can do?

Hi, honey.

Hi. Santa, did you dump Todd for me?

Sort of.

I told him you're off to Paris for a year to train for the Tour de France

bicycle race.

Well, at least you didn't tell him something silly.

I said dump the guy, not lie to him. You can be so mean sometimes.

Greetings, innkeep.

Housekeep.

Hi, Mikey.

Steffi, I just stopped by the mall.

Did you buy me something?

Did I buy you something? Well, actually, I... Hey, ravishing babushka.

Another classic save.

Anyway, I was cruising by the sporting goods store to give Jennifer a morning

-ho.

And as luck would have it, she was just starting her break. We spent the entire

ten minutes just... talking.

What did you find to talk about all that time?

Shoes.

I mean, I used to sell slingbacks, sandals, and slippers while she sells

by the seed store.

Oh, she's got a real challenging job.

And to think my ex -cupcake brought me to my cupcake in the baking.

I mean, thanks to you, we're having a dream day dinner at Danny's Diner at 8

-ish.

Thanks for the love connection, Steph.

You're the best friend a guy ever had.

No, that would be Johnny Carson.

Now are you ready to order?

Actually, I'm still waiting for my gal pound.

But I'm sure she'll be here soon.

Probably still trying to pick out just the right ball gown to wear to this

elegant restaurante.

She'll be here, Flo, all right? Yeah, yeah.

Stephanie?

Michael!

What are you doing here?

Suddenly got a craving for something gray and wet.

Hey, weren't you supposed to meet your dream date here tonight?

Yeah, she's a tad tardy. Maybe there's a traffic tire.

Well, you know these country roads.

I hear a cow jackknifed on Harley Memorial Bridge.

Milk everywhere.

to cramp your style, I'll just grab this booth over here. Oh, look, as long as

I'm sitting here... That time you showed, huh?

Oh, actually, this isn't my date. This is my ex -girlfriend.

And she knows about the new one?

She practically picked her out for me.

The only thing I want to pick out for my ex is a headstone.

Is this the kind of place you eat at these days?

On special occasions.

Usually I just stay home and make a nice day -old bread sandwich or some day

-old bread pudding.

Well, things are always a little tough when you're starting your life over, but

you have a new job, new outlook, new haircut.

And maybe a new girlfriend.

You know, going to that sanitarium was the best thing that I ever did.

And I was falling apart, and they put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Hey, what's keeping Jennifer? Maybe I should call the store.

She's not coming.

She's not?

Somebody called her and told her to stay home.

Well, who would do a thing like that?

Uh, your mother.

My mother's in Finland getting a chemical peel.

Oh.

Then I guess it was me.

You blew off my babe? I had to, Michael.

Jennifer isn't good enough for you. Oh, really? And just who were you to make

that decision for me?

Your friend?

Oh, yeah. Well, as your friend, I say keep your little pert, little cute,

button nose out of my business.

Now you're talking like exes.

Of course it's my business. I know you better than anybody else.

I used to dress you.

Oh, yeah?

I found I could dress myself the day I dumped you.

Oh, yeah? Well, your shoes don't even match your belt.

All right, so...

So I make mistakes.

But they're mine. They're all mine. And for once, I don't have you bossing me

around.

And I don't have you tugging at my ankles like some whining puppy begging

tell him what to do.

For once in my life, I can think about me, me, me.

Well, that's all you ever think about is you, you, you.

You are the most self -centered, egotistical little daddy's girl who ever

if you could just give me Stephanie's address in Paris.

I forget. It's on Rue de something.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find.

I know how important cycling is to her, but I... I just feel that she's the

one for me, and I know in my gut that she feels the same way.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, looks like you're...

Guts are playing you for a fool.

Where are you two going?

Why, to bed, of course.

Maybe we missed a beat here. I thought you were just friends.

Oh, we're not friends anymore.

We're married!

This is the front desk.

It's noon -ish.

Time for your wake -up call.

Stephanie, I can't hear you. Can you stop Michael from singing after the

Fine, I'll call you around four -ish.

You're Johnny Carson.

And you're the Yahoo that call my friend Larry a liar.

I mean, do you really pay their gas bill?

Hey, Sparky, do I tell you what to do with your money?

Easy, Johnny. He ain't worth it.

Come on, Darryl. We got to get Mr. Carson on that Noonan shuttle back to

Burbank.

you know what really irks me about people like you all you ever do is take

take why don't you give once in a while

Meow.