Original subtitles

Mail call.

Right here.

Here, Ann.

It's for Dick.

Oh, Fudd. Why do we even bother having a mailbox?

It's a scattered thing.

Boy, Dick, that's some rooster.

It's a hand, George.

Are you sure? It looks more like a rooster.

Okay, it's a rooster.

You want it?

Wow, thanks!

Look, Joanna, an original unsigned deck.

Nice rooster.

Oh, honey, listen to this. The Brookville Academy wants me to speak at

commencement ceremonies next Saturday. Well, that's wonderful.

I don't believe I've ever heard of the Brookville Academy.

And listen to their motto.

Educating tomorrow's leaders. Not followers, mind you. Leaders.

Why would they want you to speak? You're not important.

Stephanie, I'm a successful author and talk show host.

Yeah?

Maybe somebody lost a bet.

Hi -ho, Loudon, and... Loudon counterpart.

Hello, Stephanie.

Michael.

So, that thumb bag you've got there, Michael.

It's for you. It's all the little mementos you've given me through the

figured you'd want them back now that we're apart, so... Number one lover?

I didn't give you that.

I bought it for myself.

It was on sale.

Well, it would be silly for you to keep these things.

After all, we mean nothing to each other anymore, right?

Right.

Michael, guess who's going to speak at the Brookville Academy's commencement

ceremonies?

I am.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother.

Uh -oh, Daryl. I think we may have wandered in on some smooth boys in

But what can I do for you guys?

We've come to remind you about our dinner party this Saturday.

Also to tell you to dress casual.

Although Daryl does have strong feelings about people who wear culottes to

dinner.

Oh, Larry, I'm sorry we can't make it this Saturday. Dick has a speaking

engagement. As I recall, when we made these dinner plans four months ago, you

promised to be there.

We should have known you were just slipping us the old rubber possum.

Come on, Daryl.

Guys, guys, wait.

What if Joanna went alone?

What?

I guess that would be okay.

I don't think so, Daryl. Even though Miss Joanna will be coming unescorted,

she's still a married woman.

Larry, you know I'd love to go, but Dick needs me at the graduation to look on

adoringly as he speaks.

Hey, Jojo, what if I go with you?

I don't have a life.

And the unemployment office said I should never turn down a free meal.

What do you say, Miss Joanna? We'll be serving most of your favorite

vertebrates.

Then how could I say no?

Great.

Daryl, why don't you watch TV so I can discuss the dinner menu?

They may have food allergies. We don't want their throats to swell shut.

You know, Larry, I do seem to have a slight reaction to jumbo shrimp.

Although regular shrimp doesn't affect me. And clams, well, don't get me

started. Actually, that was just a clever ruse so I could explain my

need for company.

See, even though my brothers are more fun than a barrel of Jan Murray's,

just not deep thinkers.

They'd rather spend their time making teeth mosaics than discussing anything

relevance.

Kids today, you know, if they're not watching MTV, they're making tooth art.

Guys, would you like me to turn that TV on for you?

Oh, John.

Do you find this inspiring?

As you leave these hallowed halls and go forth... I don't want to hear it.

Because of you, I may have to eat beetle tonight.

I understand it tastes like chicken.

Honey, would you stop worrying?

You'll have a great time.

All you have to do is believe in yourself.

And if you believe in yourself, you can climb any mountain.

Forward any stream.

Follow any... What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, it's from my speech.

Were you inspired?

Yeah. To get a gun.

Salutations, Dick.

And, Date, are you ready for a scrumptious dinner of God knows what?

Ready as I'll ever be. Been coating my stomach since this morning.

Now, listen up, Michael.

I want Joanna home at a decent hour, and I don't want her walking in here with

her blouse misbuttoned.

Don't worry, sir. I'll have your spouse and her blouse in the house by 11.

Good, good lad.

Well, I'm off to enlighten the future leaders of America.

John, aren't you going to wish me luck?

Are you going to be eating bugs for dinner tonight?

Night, honey.

Don't you have a home?

I'm here to escort Joanna to Larry, Daryl, and Daryl's for an evening of

dining and highbrow conversation.

You ready? We better get there before our dinner slithers off.

waddles off.

Good night, Stephanie.

Watch out for him. He likes to touch your thigh when he's shifting.

I'll sit in the back.

Hi, Stephanie. What are you doing?

having a much better time than Michael and Joanna could possibly have in a

million years.

Oh, sorry I interrupted.

Oh, George, wait.

It's just that this is the first Saturday night since I was 13 that I

had a date.

Oh, you don't need a date to have fun on a Saturday night. I hardly ever go out,

and I have lots of fun.

Really? What do you do?

Well, first... I make a big bowl of popcorn, sometimes with Mrs. Dash and

sometimes with Molly McButter.

Then I plant myself in front of the TV and eat until I'm so full I see dots.

Then I wash it down with a gallon of scotch.

How many times must I tell you the chipmunk fork goes to the right?

Our guests have arrived.

Daryl, put that joy buzzer away.

There'll be no novelty items tonight.

And that includes wax lips.

I'm Lawrence. This is my good brother, Daryl. And this is my other good

Daryl.

Hey, guys.

Nice dig. Not half as weird as I thought it'd be.

Thank you. We appreciate the backhanded compliments.

Miss Joanna, you're being in real estate. You'd be qualified to help us.

Daryl's been batting around the idea of putting our home on the market.

What do you think our little nest would fetch?

Well, the land alone is worth at least $30 ,000.

And the combination of land and house?

17 tops.

Before dinner, we thought we'd start with cocktails.

Oh, sounds great. I'll have a margarita.

Bloody Mary.

Listen to that, Daryl. Miss Joanna and Michael named their cocktails.

What an interesting, albeit eccentric, custom.

supposed to eat these?

I don't know. Let me try a little improv here.

To the swamp.

To the swamp.

To the swamp.

Well,

if we're all done with our cocktails, I'll go get the finger sandwiches.

like doing after cocktails?

Holding our hands up to make sure all our fingers are there.

Okay, Larry. Bring on the finger sandwiches.

Wonder what she'll do when we serve the rump roast.

graduates have achieved a higher degree of academic excellence than ever before.

It's our hope that your speech will inspire them to even greater heights.

Well, you know, this is my first commencement address, so I won't be as

as, say, Lee Iacocca or Bill Buckley.

Oh.

Well, just do your best.

That's all we ask of our students, so that's all we can ask of you.

Sort of an A for effort.

We'll see.

Now, if you'll just take a seat.

Did you even try to get Iacocca or Buckley?

They wanted money.

Well, I just hate scraping bottom like this.

He's tough.

Oh, he's tough, but good.

Because of him, 90 % of our students end up as heads of major corporations

before they're 27.

Wow.

How did I get this job? Did somebody lose a bet?

Sure. Rub it in.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to Brookville Academy.

I am Dean Dagman.

And it's a great honor for me to introduce to you the graduating class of

Hit me.

Gee, for a wine you said tasted like swill, you're sure sucking it back.

Well, I was too quick to judge. This wine has a personality that's not

immediately evident.

That's what my mother used to say about me.

Oh, look.

There's a picture of Michael and me on that picnic in the forest.

We had to fire our Mater D because he placed our blanket on an incline.

Hey, you want to make a volcano out of baking soda and vinegar?

Here we are at the amusement park.

They kicked us out because we stayed too long in the House of Mirrors.

And here we are in the rowboat on Lake Winnipeg.

It... It started to pour, and Michael had to row the boat ashore.

Hallelujah.

You know, I'm usually not one to give my opinion unless I'm asked, but

you're not acting like the Stephanie I know.

You mean I'm usually not a drunken sot?

No, you're usually not so pathetic.

Wouldn't you feel sorry for yourself if Michael broke up with you?

I'd be heartbroken.

I suppose, like Pagliacci, I'd hide my deep sorrow behind the mask of

the happy handyman.

But then I'd be plenty P .O .ed.

I mean, the nerve of that Michael dumping a sweet guy like me.

You're right.

Michael broke up with me. I should be furious with him.

Who do you think you are, you out -of -work clothes whore?

I don't need you in that damn rowboat.

Oh, you ripped his head off.

I'm just getting warmed up.

Miss Joanna, how did you enjoy your entree?

What was it again?

It was a little recipe passed down from my great -uncle Daryl and my other great

-uncle Daryl.

Something old, something new. Something borrowed, something dead.

Well, I'm glad to see you included something from each of the four major

groups.

You gonna eat those quills?

Enjoy.

Thanks, Uncle.

Let's take these home for a late night suck.

Well, I guess it's time to begin our intellectual discussion.

Yeah, there they go again. Anytime they hear the word intellectual, they throw

themselves into their teeth.

Now, are there any issues or topics you're particularly fond of?

Etymology?

Theosophy?

Physics?

Well, as long as I don't have to turn my head and cough.

I'll start the ball rolling by throwing out a question.

What's your opinion on the Big Bang Theory?

Well, uh, there are so many schools of thought.

Personally, I think they're fine if you have a high forehead.

Excuse me.

Do you feel as dumb as I do?

Yeah. It seems I overestimated the caliber of Miss Joanna and Michael's

intelligence.

I know now that I shouldn't have looked elsewhere for intellectual stimulation

when all along it was right here in my own backyard.

Our problem now is what to do about our guests.

Good thinking, Daryl. You go get ready.

i guess you two are brain tired from our mental workout why don't we take a

break a break is good my brothers will now entertain you with a musical

interlude

Good luck, Dylan.

You'll be a fine asset to Merrill Lynch.

And now I would like to introduce our guest speaker, novelist and talk show

host, Mr.

Richard Loudon.

Thank you, Dean Deckman. Actually, I'm not a novelist. I write how -to books.

I have created some memorable novel -like characters, like Mr.

Spivak, the knowledgeable hardware store owner.

Or Mrs.

Sadakoy, the well -meaning but daffy plumber's assistant.

Get on with it. You're losing the... Graduates of Brookville Academy.

As you go forth into college,

kindergarten,

you'll look back on these years, a year,

with a great sense of nostalgia.

That means you'll, like, remember all the fun stuff.

See, I...

I thought you kids would be older, so a lot of my speech doesn't...

All right.

Who shot the spitball?

You may think that's funny, but, you know, you can... A person can lose an

Of course, you know, it'd have to be spit real hard.

You know, kids, there are two paths that you can take in life.

The one path... like the one taken by the anonymous spitballer, can lead to a

life of crime and possible imprisonment.

The other path, I'll call the path of goodness,

can lead to a life of happiness.

So it's up to you to decide which path you'd like to take.

Thank you, and that concludes my speech.

Mr. Loudon, that was a wonderfully brief speech.

Not bad for a how -to writer, huh?

Well, you get what you pay for.

Now, since we were all so inspired by Mr. Loudon, I think it only appropriate

that he now lead us in the singing of our school song.

Dean, Dean, Dean Dackman, I don't know your school song.

Bingo was his name -o.

B -I -N -G -O.

B -I -N -G -O. B -I -N -G -O.

And bingo was his name -o.

Farmer had a dog and bingo was his name -o.

I -N -G -O.

I -N -G -O.

I -N -G -O. And bingo was his name -o.