Original subtitles

Joanna, why didn't you stop me from eating that fifth pancake?

I tried. Didn't you notice me jabbing your hand with my fork?

You should know me by now. You've got to break the skin.

Somebody left us a note.

Good morning. Saw you were eating. Didn't want to interrupt.

Checked myself into room two. Hope you don't mind. Al Gardner.

Somebody came in off the street and checked themselves in?

Oh, I remember an El Gardner wrote us for reservations about a month ago.

I wonder if that's who it is.

Don't go out on a limb, Joanna.

Joanna, if you were going to a $2 ,500 -a -plate charity dinner at the Ritz

-Carlton in New York, which, of course, you aren't, and you had to decide

between two designer gowns, which, of course, you don't own,

Which one would you choose?

Well, obviously the white one.

Okay, you've got another shot at it.

The black one?

That was my first choice, too.

What charity is it?

Oh, it's one of those causes.

The needy, the starving. I forget which.

The point is, we all get to dress up, eat a lot, and impress each other.

Do you know the water is running in room two?

Yeah, we have a guest in there, Joyce.

You didn't happen to catch a glimpse of whoever's in there, did you?

Joanna, I'm not in the habit of peeking at guests in the shower.

Not since Dick yelled at me.

Oh, Steph!

Hi, Michael.

Hello, Stratford inmates.

Uh, bad news, Bear.

Starting today, the circus of shoes will be open 24 hours a day.

Who would buy shoes in the middle of the night?

Ask my manager. This silly scheme seeped out of his cerebellum.

It's gonna fail, just like his buy one pair, get one shoe free idea.

Poor you.

Ready for tonight?

Sorry, Cuppers, there's a time card with my name on it.

Well, I guess there's no choice.

Quit your job.

My mitts are manacled. None of the other salesmen can work tonight. Timmy's

cramming for a spelling bee and the manager has his SATs coming up.

Well, that means I can't go to the ball.

Stephanie,

if it'll make you feel better, you can hang out with Joanna and me tonight and

play Yahtzee.

Well,

that certainly helped.

Dick, you know I would never ask you a favor unless you were around.

This dinner means mucho to my muffin. Do you think you could possibly pinch hit

for me tonight?

Michael, I'm not very comfortable at formal affairs.

Suck in that ego, Dick. I mean at the shoe store.

No.

All right, all right. You can go to the ball. I don't want to go to the ball. I

hate those things. If I can't import an escort, there'll be no more muffin on my

menu.

michael i still don't think that don't make me resort to blackmail dick you

don't have anything on me you see how pathetic i am and that was my

trump card

Dick, these are 200 of the most prominent people on the East Coast.

You don't say, wowee.

You use words like, ah, hmm.

I guess the richer you are, the fewer syllables you have to use.

Oh, the Thorntons are here.

When you meet Mr.

Thornton, don't mention the word indictment.

I try to keep my acerbic tongue in check.

One more thing. When you finish eating that shrimp puff, don't sniff your

fingers.

I suppose I can't spit on the floor either.

This isn't the Stratford.

Pardon me. Have you seen Binky?

Huh?

It is with Tess.

Hmm.

Dick, if you don't know the answer to a question, don't say, huh?

Just toss your head back in a playful manner and laugh knowingly. Like so.

Maybe I should just wait in the plane.

My, oh, I had a good time.

Oh, damn.

Libby Harcourt is here. We hate her.

Why do we hate her?

Oh, she's one of those spoiled, snotty, little rich girls. You know the type.

I have a pretty good idea.

Her coming out party cost $50 ,000 more than mine.

Her parents even flew in Carol Channing, who made us all sing along to Hello,

Libby.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

Libby, dear.

Stephanie, darling.

It's been too long.

Stephanie, your hair.

Oh, do you like it? Not a bit.

Oh, I see you're wearing an original Giannina Bruzzese.

Yes, and I see you're wearing the knockoff.

Have you met my escort, Scooter Drake?

Hello, Stephanie Vanderkeller. Yes, of course. Libby's told me so much about

you. You're the one who got smashed at a coming out party and tried to choke

Carol Channing with her boa.

My escort, Richard Loudon.

Scooter? Hello, old man.

Did you hear that Scooter's microchip company has just been sold for $280

million? Two hundred? Wow!

And these are my neighbors from Southampton, Kip and Anastasia DuPont.

Charlie.

You mean the DuPonts?

Obviously, Richard.

I have your carpet in my bedroom.

Your escort is just too droll.

Isn't he, though?

Richard, my glass is empty.

Oh, right. And while I'm getting you a refill, I'll...

Try to come up with some more droll lines.

We'll be looking forward to them.

Act of a party, huh? Indeed.

I don't believe we met. Colonel Reginald Truff Tipton.

But call me Binky. Everybody does.

All right, all right, Binky. I'm Richard Loudon.

Not her, Richard Loudon.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl. Hi, fellas.

What's up? It seems a puzzling phenomenon occurred.

We were in the woods choosing up sides for a quick game of naked prey.

But Daryl forgot the turtle wax for the bonus round.

So we went back to the cafe where we found this.

Good afternoon.

Couldn't find a waiter, so I made myself breakfast.

Hope you don't mind. Al Gardner.

Did you happen to get a glance at Al Gardner? No. Sorry.

What's that?

You saw the Al Gardner in question?

Well, is it a man or a woman?

It seems to be a discrepancy of opinion.

Daryl thinks it's a woman, but Daryl begs to differ.

Since my brothers are known for their extraordinary gender -guessing skills,

it's safe to assume that Elle Gardner could only be a swing dancer from the

company of the lilting Jerry Herman musical La Cage Aux Folles.

I was so far off.

And Scooter just bought the most charming little villa in Anguilla.

It's only 14 rooms.

I bought it for the rhyme.

Well, Richard and I winter at this charming little inn in Vermont.

We also spring, summer, and fall there.

Vermont? How backwoods -y.

I just happen to own that charming backwoods -y inn.

Bethany is well acquainted since she is the... Oh, Richard, my glass.

I've never seen you so parched.

Wherever did you find your Richard?

He's such a refreshing change from an interesting person.

Well, actually, Richard is very interesting.

He's just so modest.

It's really such a chore to get him to chat about his incredible wealth.

Oh, really, Steffi, do fill us in.

We're all so well -traveled. Surely you've stayed at a Loudoun hotel.

I don't believe we have.

You should splurge once in a while.

Come to think of it, I believe I have stayed at a Loudoun hotel in Boca Raton.

Oh, of course.

Kip and I honeymooned at the new Loudon in Portofino.

The golf course was most challenging.

And so was Anastasia.

Oh, don't I know.

So he's that Richard Loudon.

a loud and conceptual art wing at the Whitney.

What me?

Richard, darling, we're all just dying to know more about those little ends of

yours.

Absolutely thrilling to have one's name be synonymous with the word luxury.

It must be.

What a delightful sense of humor.

The next time we weekend in Bimini, we'll have to stay at your resort.

I don't recall having a resort in Bimini.

You know the one, Richard, the small one on the bluff.

Oh, the bluff one.

You know, Stephanie, I have a sudden urge to refill your glass.

Would you care to join me?

No, no, it's your fault.

Polish it off on the way.

He's such an imp.

What is going on here? Why did they suddenly think of me as a hotel tycoon?

Oh. You know, the social elite, they probably just assumed.

They assumed I had a resort in Bimini?

I don't even know where Bimini is.

Well, maybe I embellished a little bit.

Maybe you lied your head off.

I was forced into it. Libby didn't find you very interesting.

I don't care what Libby thinks.

We hate her anyway.

I don't want to look better.

I'm Dick, not Richard Loud.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to go over there right now and tell that to

Scooter and Kip and Anastasia and Libby and Dinky. It's been deep.

Whatever.

Dick, you cannot go over there. You'll humiliate us both, especially me.

Excuse me, aren't you Richard Loudon?

No, I'm... Mert! Griffin?

That's right.

Yes, I'm Richard Loudon, but you can call me Dick. Everyone

does. And I'm Stephanie Vanderkell, and Dick's a very, very special friend.

Very nice to meet you.

Say, Richard, I've been hearing your name around here all evening.

Ah.

That's what I miss about having a talk show.

meeting really fascinating people like you.

You know, I have a talk show, too.

Ooh.

Oh, there's more. Listen, I promised my dear friend Malcolm Forbes that I'd sing

I Want to Go Back to My Little Grass Shack.

Why don't you join me for a duet?

Well, I could do a little harmony.

Oh, that's good. Okay.

Meet me at the Steinway.

I'm going to sing harmony with Merv Griffin.

Maybe I could sing the high part.

Stephanie, this is a duet for guys. Just Merv and me.

I want to go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii.

I want to be with all the Connie's and Wahine's that I knew long ago.

I can hear those guitars a -playing, playing on the beach. I can

hear those Hawaiians saying,

I'm determined to sit right here until Al Gardner comes in.

Care to join me?

Aren't you being a little bit silly?

Oh, right. I guess we would have more room if we sat on the sofa.

Listen! You hear that?

It's him!

Or her. How do I look?

Fine, George.

Gosh! He looks just like Michael Harris!

I am Michael Harris. Oh, for a minute there, we thought you were El Gardner.

No, I'm only El Shoe Clerk.

But I could be El Gardner if the pesos are right.

If you're looking for Stephanie, she's not back from New York yet. Oh, yeah, I

didn't think so. You know, now that I'm selling clogs around the clock, my lunch

break is midnight till one and everything's closed.

Any french fries in the fryer or fresh fruit in the fridge?

I hate to hear myself say this.

But I'm afraid I can find a few frozen frankfurters in the freezer in front of

the fettuccine Alfredo from Friday.

Stephanie, what are we doing a week from Tuesday? Brooke asked to invite us to a

soiree.

Well, dear, you've already committed us to that yachting thing with the Trump.

Darn. I hate to put Brooke off like this.

Oh, I'm sure your little Brooke will understand.

You're not upset, are you? Oh, why would I be upset, Mr. Bell of the Balls?

You're upset because they like me?

They only like you because they don't know who you are. If they knew the real

you like I do, they wouldn't like you at all.

Richard, come quickly.

We're toasting the Murdoch's summer home.

I don't want to miss this. Rupert's imported some new sconces for the

room. Thank God. They've been waiting for months for those sconces.

Wowee. To the little summer home.

Yes. And their new sconces.

Yes.

Well, Richard, seems that I finally have you all to myself.

Well, uh, what happened to the scooter?

Hoot is just a boy.

I want you, Richard.

There's a lot to be said for boys.

I was just looking for you.

You're wasting your time, Libby. There's something you should know about

Richard. He's not one of us. He's just a middle -class innkeeper.

a pitiful attempt to grab attention.

It's true.

He's an imposter.

He's as fake as the nose on your face.

This can't be. I've stayed at his hotel in Bimini.

He doesn't even know where Bimini is.

Tell me it isn't true, Sir Richard.

It isn't, Binky.

I'm pretty sure I know where Bimini is.

Stephanie is right. I'm just an innkeeper.

She's a maid.

A maid?

My, my, my. How delicious.

If only Noel Coward were here.

He'd make great sport of this.

What are you all laughing at?

I mean, I'm an innkeeper, and she's a maid.

It doesn't make any difference whether you're rich or poor. I mean, when all is

said and done, you know, we're all the same underneath.

Malcolm

Forbes.

Henry Kissinger.

Merv Griffin.

Well, there goes my doubles match with Merv and the Gabor's.

There goes Don Trump's helicopter.

Stephanie, I can't take the silent treatment anymore. Say something.

How could you humiliate me in front of my friends like that?

What friends? You said you hated everybody in that room.

That's because I felt superior to them.

Now the only one I'm superior to is you.

If I embarrassed you, I'm... I'm sorry.

You're forgiven.

I know how easy it is to be seduced by wealth and power.

Some people can handle it with grace and dignity and...

Others become drooling idiots.

I'm sorry I brought you, Dick.

Apology accepted.

Now, can we go inside?

I am never going back in there.

From now on, this balcony will be our home.

Sure, it's safe.

Everyone's left except the cleaning crew.

Don't go away.

Newhart will be right back.

What time is it? We fell asleep.

That's Al Gardner.

He... She's driving away.

Now's our chance.

For what?

If we cut through Briar's Field, we can head him or her off at Johnny Cake

Ridge. George, it's seven in the morning. Hurry up. Elle's getting away.

This is the stupidest.

Hello?

Hello?

Does anybody ever work in this town?

I should have just listened to my travel agent and gone to Jamaica.

Go on vacation.

Take a dick.