Original subtitles

Hi, Dick.

I'm all ready for tonight.

Do you think Joanna would let me borrow some of her makeup?

George, when I invited you to the Patriots game, it was at a buddy not

date.

No, no, I thought if I painted my face different colors and danced around like

an idiot, they'd put me on TV.

No, that's the way Alistair Cook got his start.

How is jury duty?

Oh, it's almost over. We go into deliberations this afternoon.

Joanna, can I borrow some of your makeup?

I'm going out with Dick tonight.

Just say yes, Joanna.

Sure, George.

Gee, thanks.

Hi,

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother, Daryl.

What can we do for you guys?

Well, we spent most of last night scratching our heads.

And this is unusual?

Well, normally we do it to stimulate our follicles.

But this time it was due to a philosophical question Daryl posed

in an intellectual quandary.

Well, you've piqued our curiosity.

What was the question?

If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it

a sound?

Larry, that's an age -old question. It is.

So it didn't just pop into your head.

I apologize for my brother's plagiarism. It was just a shoddy ploy to pass

himself off as a deep thinker.

Well, at least he didn't tell you he wrote The Dead Sea Scrolls.

I suppose your poem, The Toad Not Taken, is stolen, too.

Larry, that probably is actually his.

Anyway, does the tree make a sound or not?

Well, that's a question, Larry, that no one can really answer.

You mean, like, why when you cut a worm in half, the two sides live, but you

can't do the same with a hedgehog?

Exactly.

Maybe we can find the answer to our tree question.

Come on, Daryl, the wood's awake.

People, this isn't a coffee pledge. Let's get started.

My, I wonder who has tickets to the Patriots game tonight.

This has nothing to do with football. The Constitution guarantees a prison, a

speedy trial.

I guess our forefathers had Patriots tickets, too.

The first thing we have to do is elect a foreman.

Boy, Dick, you sure know a lot about the law. Maybe you should be foreman.

Well, nobody objects.

Nobody cares.

Okay, then, I'm foreman.

All right, let's see how everyone stands. I vote guilty.

I was wavering between guilty and innocent.

But since that football game is so important to you, I'll vote guilty, too.

Sounds good to me.

Sure, why not?

I'll go along with everyone else.

Wait a second. You can't vote guilty just because I have to go to my game.

You can't?

No, your decision has to be based on the evidence we heard and nothing else.

Oh, dear, if I'd known that, I'd have listened more closely.

And he's the mayor.

Okay, we all know the defendant was in the pet store on the day in question,

right? If you say so, Dick.

And we also know he was caught two blocks away with an alleged stolen

on his shoulder.

That's a funny word, cockatoo.

I like cock -a -doodle -doo.

One that always gets me is cock -a -may -me.

Does anyone else have a funny word, or can we go on?

What's the point?

You've convinced us to vote guilty.

Look, our decision could send a man to jail. His life could be ruined.

And we can't take that responsibility lightly.

You're right, Dick. This is too important to leave up to winds.

I've changed my vote to innocent.

Sounds good to me.

Sure, why not?

Like I said, I'll go along.

You can't vote innocent. The man is clearly guilty.

Dick, please stop these sadistic mind games.

Stop, Chiquita.

Hi -ho, JoJo.

Hi, Michael. Where are you two going? To the mall.

One day a month, we donate our time to community service work.

You and Stephanie?

Mm -hmm.

We approach shoppers who have no sense of style and help them by handing out

fashion citations.

It's terrible.

That's why we only do it once a month.

It's not like we don't give them a warning first.

It's the repeat offenders we're after.

If someone is tempted to buy something that would look atrocious on them, it's

their job to teach them to just say no.

And to think all I do is read to the blind.

Well, that's important, too.

Oh, Michael, maybe someday there won't be any need for fashion police.

My little dreamer.

As long as poor misguided souls continue to wear I'm with stupid T -shirts,

we're on call.

Let's roll.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my injured brother,

What happened?

Well... We were in the forest trying to answer that age -old question. Oh, no.

You're not going to show me half a hedgehog.

Oh, I mean the tree question.

We chopped one down and then tried to run out of the forest before it hit the

ground.

The tree fell on him?

Yep.

But it wasn't a total loss.

We did learn that if a tree falls on Daryl, he doesn't make a sound.

Daryl, you already missed your opportunity to say hi.

Come on, our quest continues.

So, would you like some cocoa?

I'll take that as a yes.

You all think he was innocent. He was caught red -handed.

Well, maybe the bird got on his shoulder without his knowing.

It was established in the trial that the bird's wings were clipped.

Oh, dear, I must have been wool -gathering when they said that.

Perhaps it climbed on the man's shoulder. They didn't clip its feet, did

I've seen cockatoos climb ladders on TV.

Once I even saw one of them drive one of those little fire engines.

Did you see that on TV, too? No, he saw it on a highway.

Well, you have to admit, Dick, that the evidence is really stacking up in the

defendant's favor.

What evidence?

The bird used a fire ladder to climb on the guy's shoulder?

No one said a fire ladder. I believe we said a regular ladder.

We know you want to get to your football game, Dick, but there's no need to

twist our words.

How can a man walk two blocks with a huge bird on his shoulder and not notice

it? I mean, someone has got to say, Hey, mister, you got a huge bird on your

shoulder?

Well, once I had a big piece of clove stuck on my tooth for two days, and

nobody noticed that.

Well, I noticed it was a scream.

Jim, you should have said something.

I did. I told everyone.

Maybe we should reenact the crime. That's what they do on TV.

Great. The first thing we need is a cockatoo.

There's no cockatoo in here. I already checked.

Annette, maybe you could make one. She took an origami class at the Y.

I can only do elephants.

Well, a bird's just a skinny elephant with wings.

Okay, I'll try.

This is so stupid.

Look at her work.

It's as though her fingers were divinely guided.

There.

It's a paper plane.

Why don't you put the bird on my shoulder and I'll see if I notice it.

Well, I can't feel a thing.

Obviously, a bird can't sit on someone's shoulder without the person noticing.

That bird weighs less than an ounce.

A real cockatoo weighs over two pounds.

So what?

That's how much a real cockatoo weighs.

You noticed that, didn't you? Yes. Now, please take it off. I'm losing feeling

in my arm.

Then we were right after all. The man is guilty.

We should have listened to our hearts and not to Dick.

Fine. Let's take another vote so we can get out of here. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Innocent.

I don't understand. We all agreed he's guilty.

Well, like you said, Dick, our decision could send a man to jail. We can't take

that responsibility too lightly.

Well, I can.

Let's put him in jail and let's get out of here.

I just don't think that we should rush into things.

Maybe we should order something to eat.

Good idea.

I'll ask the bailiff for menus. How does everybody feel about Chinese?

Italian?

No.

No food until he votes guilty. Take it easy, Dick. This trial's about a bird,

not evolution.

Boy, it sure is getting hot around here.

Could someone turn down the thermostat?

No. As mayor, I had all the thermostats put on automatic timers.

Why?

Don't rile him. He'll crush your other shoulder.

All open the window. Stay calm, Dick.

That's the last time we hired George Utley to paint. He just slops the stuff

like there's no tomorrow.

Why don't we just throw a chair through the window?

Why don't we just throw Dave through the window?

Oh.

How'd it go at the mall?

Bust any bell bottoms?

people did react a little less violently this month, although a badly dressed

florist did try to push us down the escalator.

But all in all, it was a good day. Six warnings and three citations.

You must feel so fulfilled.

Well, charity does begin at the mall.

Miss Joanna, we finally got the answer to that tree question.

What tree question?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's there, does it make a sound?

I've got the answer.

Who cares?

We put one of Daryl's video cameras in front of a tree. You have a video

He's quite the videophile.

Every time a new camera comes out, he's got to have one.

He's the same way with pudding pops.

Anyway, we put two hungry beavers in front of a tree, then turned on the

Then we left and came back an hour later.

The answer's right here on this tape. Prepare to be enlightened.

You know, Daryl, I'm kind of a video buff myself. We should get together

sometime and talk tape technique.

I can, you two.

Look, Daryl, our beaver's on the tube.

That's Dean on the right and Jerry on the left.

How can you tell them apart?

Jerry's the one with slicked -back fur.

Oh, I have a coat like Jerry.

Look, they're starting to know off the tree.

Wow, those choppers can really chop.

Why are they chopping?

And why is Dean giving Jerry that funny look?

Whoa, that's why.

And on top of pine cones.

I think our Jerry's been masquerading as a boy.

Same plot line as Yentl.

Dick would get this passionate.

Joanna, I'm going to drive over to the courthouse and wait for Dick outside.

That's nice, George.

Oh, I didn't know we had cable.

I bet hell feels like this.

Especially if Chester set the thermostat.

You fool, you painted the window shut.

Yes, sir.

Get a grip.

You're not going to hit me, are you, Dick?

We'll see.

Look, you know the defendant is guilty, don't you?

Yes.

Then why are you doing this to me?

I like it here.

What?

I like it here.

The people, the atmosphere, the warmth.

Are you out of your mind?

Dick, I stuff envelopes for a living. I hardly ever get to go out except to buy

stamps. It's the most fun I've had in years.

I never want it to end.

Never?

Never, Dick.

Excuse me.

Everyone, Dave just informed me why he's not going to vote guilty.

He doesn't want all this fun to end.

Ever.

He likes us.

Well, did you tell Dave that we like him too?

Not yet. I wanted to get your okay.

What if we tell Dave that if he votes guilty, when this is over, we'll

all get together?

That's a good idea, Dick.

And here we were voting to impeach you as former.

We hear you lied.

Did you have to tell everyone?

Look, we decided if you vote guilty, we'll all get together sometime.

I don't believe you. They said the same thing after traffic school.

We'll all get together sometime.

Nobody ever called.

We're different.

Well... Great!

How about Saturday?

That's no good for me. I promised my sister I'd help her weed.

Well, cancel it.

You don't know my sister. Nobody cancels on Heidi.

How about the following Saturday?

No good for me. I've got a date with Heidi that Saturday.

How about that Sunday?

Depends if I get lucky with Heidi Saturday night.

How about one evening during the week?

Well, Tuesday and Thursday are out for Chester and me. We're taking a massage

class.

And I have pastry club on Mondays and Fridays.

But look, we're getting together and that's it.

How about Wednesday? Sounds good to me.

Fine. Wednesday it is. Right. We'll meet every Wednesday evening from now on.

Every Wednesday? I mean, isn't that asking a little... Oh, oh, okay.

Guilty or innocent?

Let the bird man fry.

Let's go tell our verdict to the judge.

Uh -oh, uh, people, I almost forgot. I always have dinner with my mother on

Wednesdays. Bring her!

I'm real sorry we missed a game, Dick.

Who knew my face would react to the makeup that way?

Yeah, who knew?

Now go to bed, George.

The doctor in emergency told me it's not unusual for a man my age to be allergic

to certain eyeshadows.

Good.

Hi, George.

He gave me a list of hypoallergenic makeup that I could use... Just go to

Sweet dreams, Dick

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