Original subtitles

This is my brother, Daryl, and this is my other brother, Daryl.

Hi, fellas. What can we do for you?

That depends.

How do you two feel about the swamp?

We love it as much as the next guy.

Then brace yourselves.

Some big city developers want to fill it in.

Well, I'm sorry, Larry. I know how much you three enjoy that swamp.

Especially during mosquito season.

That swamp holds memories for us.

Daryl got his first kiss there.

Remember that bullfrog, Daryl?

Well, there'll be other swamps, other frogs.

We have a plan to save this swamp. With enough cash, we could purchase it

ourselves. And we all know that the best way to raise cash is through a walk -a

-thon.

Well, that's the way the major corporations do it.

Now, a walk -a -thon needs two things. People willing to walk and people

to pledge a dollar a mile.

We're willing to walk.

Well, then you're halfway there.

Guys, we'd be happy to sponsor you.

Frank, we'll start walking now.

The swamp will survive.

When your grandkids want to play slip and slide in some algae, you won't have

take them to a theme park.

only a dollar a mile.

Well, I guess it's worth it just to see the smiles on those algae -covered kids.

Well, it's that time of year again.

The new phone books are out?

That too? Wow.

When it rains, it pours.

What are you talking about, George? What do you think? The Ye Olde Apple Days

Festival.

Seems like only yesterday when great -great -grandpa Utley... hosted the

one back in 1816.

I heard that Ye Olde Apple Days is being discontinued. Who told you that?

I'm not sure. I just remember hearing talk about ending it because some people

found it excruciatingly dull.

Ye Olde Apple Days?

Maybe I'm thinking of the Ice Capades.

Well, we're back from the mall, all.

And we come bearing a bounty of riches.

Uh, the bounty for us. I don't know if Michael made that clear.

Hey, are you two going to the town meeting tonight? I'll be talking about

olde apple days.

Oh, I'd love to, George, but I think Steph and I are going to stay in tonight

and take a finger trick through the new Neiman's catalog.

Uh, Michael?

I want to go. Don't you remember the last town meeting?

Yeah, we sat in the back and made fun of what everybody was wearing.

Wouldn't miss it, George.

Great!

And, George, would you please wear those bright green pants?

You know, the ones that show off your ankles?

Sure.

And, Dick, you can just wear what you have on.

in favor of Annette Gordon being in charge of refreshments for future town

meetings, raise your hand.

All opposed?

You're in. The citizens have spoken.

Boy, that certainly wasn't the slugfest I expected.

George, I believe you have the next order of business.

told you're giggling until everyone has spoken.

Well, as everybody knows, the Utley family has been in charge of organizing

olde apple days.

Quiet down.

George, didn't we put a stop to that thing?

No.

Make a note. Let's put a stop to that thing.

I thought everyone liked ye olde apple days.

Maybe you should give George some support.

I think he's doing fine.

The chair recognizes Dick Loudon.

Thank you.

I know this event isn't as exciting as it used to be.

There is a certain...

sameness to it year after year after year.

And it has lost some of its appeal since the advent of radio.

Wow, Dick, why don't you just knife George in the back?

Look, ye olde Apple Days is a town tradition, and I don't think that we

give up on it. If it isn't working, We should fix it. All it needs are some new

ideas. Do you have any new ideas, Dick?

No.

So, basically, you'd just like to hear the sound of your own voice.

Maybe Michael has some ideas.

He's not too busy giggling.

What do you people want?

Well, we all thought that since you're hip, you could help George with some new

ideas for Ye Olde Apple Days.

You all think I'm hip?

The hippest.

Well, I guess I could spitball some ideas.

Great. All in favor of Michael spitballing, raise your hand.

Wow, it's a landslide.

What do you think about this idea for the Apple Fest?

Female applesauce wrestling.

It's a little tasteless, but delicious.

Of course it's delish. It sprung from the George man's gray filth. Hey,

I just got another idea. Why don't we have kids paint pictures of apples and

give a prize for the best one?

What a genius.

I could kiss you.

You're a man.

Well, that painting idea is brilliant, which doesn't mean we couldn't put a

twist on it. Whoa, revelation.

Instead of little kids painting, we get adults.

How come?

Well, little kids, paintbrushes, nostrils.

Oh, you're right. No ceremony is worth injuring children.

And instead of canvases, we paint the apples directly onto the applesauce

wrestlers. What do you think?

That's a twisted idea, all right.

It's just another nugget of a notion from the gold mine of the George

What do you think about an apple sack race?

Eureka, the mother load. I love it. I wouldn't change a thing.

All right, first off, we 86 the sack.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Hi, this is Larry. Next to me is my brother Daryl and my other brother

What can I do for you guys?

We thought you'd like an update on our walk -a -thon.

We're in Cheshire, Connecticut.

You mean you've been walking for four days?

Not technically.

To break the monotony, we hopped on one foot through the Berkshires.

Daryl, don't eat that.

In a dollar a mile, I must owe you... Where exactly is Cheshire?

Uh -oh, gotta go.

Daryl, how many times do I have to tell you? Face away from the road when you do

that.

Where's my atlas?

Gee, I don't know, Michael. A laser light show sounds a little high -tech.

Georgie, Porgy, Puddin' and Pie, it was your idea.

I thought my idea was an apple sack race.

That's what this is.

Now, come on, let's down some decaf and flesh out your idea about skinny dipping

for apples.

That was bobbing.

Hello? Daryl, if that's you, could you put Larry on, please?

Hi. Hi, Larry. Where are you now?

In a place called the South Bronx, though the absence of magnolia trees

think it's not the Deep South.

You've gone another hundred miles.

When are you guys coming home? We miss you.

Actually, we almost turned back this morning.

Daryl had this blister on his foot.

Fortunately, it turned out to be an extra toe we'd never noticed before.

Daryl, don't buy that Rolex.

It's a knockoff. I gotta go. I'm losing control over these boys.

They've got to be stopped.

What are you doing out so late?

Just walking.

Do I owe you money for that?

I don't think so.

Good.

George, are you all right?

Not really.

You remember how Michael called me a gold mine of ideas?

Yeah. Well, he took the ideas and gave me the shaft.

The George monster's been fired.

George, the new phone book's here.

You want me to look up your name for you? That usually cheers you up.

Sure. It's probably under you for unhip.

Just because Michael says you aren't hip doesn't mean anything.

Well, you're just as hip as... Dick.

Whoa, a half -priced slipper sale.

Thanks, Joanna.

Hello, fellow citizens of Appleopolis.

Michael, if you don't tell them right away, I'll burst.

Right.

Prepare your accolades. The Apple Fest is now a Michael Harris production in

association with Stephanie Vanderkill and Enterprises.

Michael made me his co -producer.

Exactly what does a co -producer do?

I welcome people.

I lie and tell them how nice they look.

I smile demurely when they tell me how nice I look.

Great -great -grandpa Utley never smiled demurely.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in front of my makeup mirror and practice

sincerity.

I'll miss you all.

Good start, Steph.

And while you're up there, pick out a dress that won't clash with the ballroom

at the Ramada.

You're holding ye olde apple days at the Ramada Inn?

No, we're holding apples, apples, apples there. New name, new concept, new zip.

What kind of zip is that?

Well, just your usual singing, dancing, multimedia, spectacular kind of zip.

Great -great -grandpa Utley would be shocked.

Well, I gotta run. I'm meeting Dee Dee, the choreographer, for a well drink.

Wait a minute.

Where is it written there can't be two Ye Olde Apple Days festivals?

I don't know, but I'm sure I thought somewhere, George.

I'm going to hold my own festival right here in the inn where it should be.

Ye olde apple days, live!

Does it have to live here?

It figures. Michael advertised his show on TV.

I relied on word of mouth. I wish you two had friends.

Well, it's still early. I wouldn't mind waiting a few more hours.

Well, that wouldn't be fair to the people who did show up.

Besides, we can have just as much fun with three as we can with 300.

Yeah, it's just that with 300, it doesn't seem so stupid.

Well, I guess it's time for my opening speech.

Quiet down, please.

Welcome to the 172nd Ye Olde Apple Days Festival.

I see a few unfamiliar faces out there.

George, why don't we just skip the speech and go right on to the

Good idea.

Would a pie -eating contest with three people seem stupid?

Pie -eating contests can be held with any number of people without looking

stupid. Really? Okay, then it'll be just you and Joanna. I'll be the judge.

Contestants, take your seats.

Grab your forks.

Welcome and bienvenue.

Welcome.

What?

Stephanie, I'm usually not one to complain, but these ticket prices, $22

person?

Well, obviously you've never been to a Broadway show.

No, but we did see the movie version of The Music Man starring Robert Preston.

And Buddy Hackett.

Boy, that guy's a national treasure.

Jim, that was Stubby K.

You're crazy. It was Buddy Hackett. I'm crazy. You're the crazy one. It was

Stubby K. Oh, you think everybody's Stubby K.

Welcome and bienvenue. Welcome.

What?

Oh, here.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting a Michael Harris...

in association with Stephanie Van Der Kellen Enterprises.

Everyone is great by God.

an apple?

Dick, you're supposed to guess what kind.

Um, uh, Macintosh.

Sorry.

Damn.

It's your turn, Joanna.

Good luck.

after you've eaten four Pippin' Pies.

This is your fifth ribbon.

Oh, thanks, George.

Boy, I'm running out of room.

Hey, it's apple -bobbing time. I'll get the tub.

Dick, he's getting the tub.

We have got to put an end to this.

Sure, now that you're ahead five ribbons.

Let's just tell George it's impossible to have a festival with three people.

Okay. I think I could have bobbed the pants off of you.

Uh, George, could we speak to you?

I know what you're going to say.

Ye olde apple days is a ye olde bomb.

Well, I wouldn't say ye olde.

Tub, Jim, they're only up to apple bobbing.

What are you doing here?

We walked out of Michael's show. It was awful.

We didn't get to do anything.

No spin the apple, no apple limbo.

All we did was sit and watch.

Yeah, the worst part was Michael strutting around like some apple pimp.

Mr., what is that on your cheek?

Dear, those laser beams must have vaporized my eye.

It looked like applesauce.

So it is.

I told you not to lean in so close during the wrestling match.

George, we're sorry we abandoned you.

Oh, that's okay. One of the seven tenets of ye olde apple days is forgiveness.

You're a good man, George.

Oh, Steph.

You were right. They thought our show was over.

Okay, folks, let me explain the concept of intermission.

Michael, they left because they didn't like your show.

Didn't like my show?

How did they feel about my Demir smiling?

They didn't say.

People usually don't say anything when they're pleased.

How could they prefer this? My show had glitz, glamour, production values.

Michael, this isn't Las Vegas.

It never will be as long as people dunk their heads in tubs of water.

Well, you're welcome to join the celebration.

Well, thanks, George.

I guess you know your audience a little better than I do.

You must feel bad about everybody walking out on your show.

I'd feel worse if we had a refund policy.

Have you ever bobbed for apples?

No, but in college I did have my head dunked, but it wasn't in a tub.

And they weren't apples.

Could I have a cupcake?

All right, as long as you don't get your hair wet. I'll be careful.

Hello? Hi, this is Larry. Next to me is my... Where are you now?

Graceland, home of the king of rock and roll.

Graceland, I...

That's in Memphis.

I know. Our walk -a -thon is completed.

Your pledge has provided us with adequate funds to purchase the swamp.

And with enough left over to buy a 9x12 Colonel Tom Parker area rug.

That's... That's 1 ,400 miles.

Gotta go. Darryl just won an impromptu look -alike contest.

And we gotta help him divvy up the babes.

That's $1 ,400.