Original subtitles

Stephanie, those are outgoing postcards. You can't read them.

Why not? Dick does it all the time.

I don't read them. I glance at them.

There's a big difference between reading and glancing.

Hi, Stephanie.

Joanna.

Glancing at the postcards again?

Here, George, why don't you just run these on down to the post office?

Are you through?

Yes.

Oh, hi.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon, and this is my... You don't have to tell me.

You're Dick Loudon.

Have we met?

No, but I feel like we have. I've read every one of your books.

Oh, really?

I love what you do, but I'm sure people tell you that all the time.

Well, you know, you get used to it.

You know why I love your stuff?

Because it teaches.

I mean, you take someone like Norman Mailer, well, sure, he's a good read,

when you're done, what do you got?

Zip.

Well, you know, let's not be too hard on Norm. He's pretty good for, you know,

for what he does.

Oh, yeah, didn't he write Vanna Speaks?

No, that was Vanna White.

They're both writers.

Literature is literature.

Oh, by the way, Al Griswold.

Oh, please forgive me, Dick. I get carried away sometimes.

You know, if you had to pick, like, your favorite... No contest.

Heating systems.

Not just a lot of hot air.

That was a good one.

Especially that chapter on ductwork turned my life around.

Oh, I remember that chapter. Honey, remember that chapter? We were taking a

in the woods and it just came to me.

Right, Dick.

I can't believe I'm in the same room with Dick Loudon. I feel that way myself

sometimes.

Well, I've taken up enough of your time.

Boy, Dick Loudon.

That's what they call me.

So where are you staying?

Well, in my car.

It's a new Hyundai.

Why don't you stay here as our guest?

Oh, I couldn't impose.

We'd love to have you. I'll show you my typewriter.

You talk me into it.

Stephanie!

Would you show Mr. Griswold... Al.

Would you show Al to room two?

I think Al would be more comfortable in room three. The bed's already made up.

Then make the bed up in room two.

Do you really think it's polite to keep your new friend waiting while I make up

a stupid old bed?

Room two, Stephanie.

Boy, some guy drools all over Dick and we treat him like a king.

Good help is hard to find. We wouldn't know.

All right.

You can freeze. Side order of slime.

What's going on here? Not to worry. Cough him, boys.

This is a mistake. He's a guest of ours and a big fan of mine.

You're talking to Al the Mole Griswold?

It seems Mr.

The Mole Griswold broke out a Woodstock Correctional at approximately 0500 this

morning, stole a blue Hyundai XL, and headed due south to this location.

Oh, gosh, this is so embarrassing.

Crawled out through a heating duct.

But I can't take all the credit.

Dick, here. You can take them away.

Thank you, Angelo's duck tip.

Whoa.

Are you implying you had assistance from the outside?

Uh, no.

Okay, you broke me.

I got help from one of Dick's books.

Well, two, actually, if you count the one that helped me acquire it.

All right, man, get this low life out of my face.

Is there something you want to get off your chest, love?

No.

Oh, you're a tough nut to crack.

A few hours under the lamp and he'll be singing like a von Trapp in a room full

of Edelweiss.

Look, I don't even know that guy.

Okay, Dick, room two is made up for your buddy, Al.

Thanks. Thanks, Stephanie.

Room two, if memory serves, the finest room in the establishment.

Figures.

I just met the guy five minutes ago.

You coming quietly, or do I break out, Mr. Billy?

Now, this is just stupid.

Dick didn't plan the escape. He only wrote the instructions.

Thanks a lot, Joanna.

I should have taken my chances with Mr. Billy.

Oh, no.

He doesn't really read other people's postcards.

He just glances at them.

Oh, they're going to love you up at Woodstock, pretty boy.

Okay.

You're in room two.

The bed's made up and everything. Oh, thank you, dear.

Yes?

Our maid is terribly overworked.

Anything that you could do to help would really be appreciated.

You know, like sleeping on top of the covers and not using your towel.

Do you mind if I use the soap?

Oh, not at all. We're here for your comfort.

Oh, you're finally back. This place has been a madhouse. I had to check in

again.

I hardly think one guest constitutes a madhouse.

Well, I never realized that running an inn could be so stressful.

Poor you. No wonder you look so haggard all the time.

I mean, I don't get it. Al seemed like such a nice guy.

Dick, they're still finding bodies in his basement.

Honey, just because a man is a homicidal maniac doesn't automatically make him a

bad judge of writing.

Well, at least... the police let you go. Now, let's just try to put this behind

us, okay?

What's all this we hear about Dick springing his underworld buddies?

Who told you that?

Well, Chester told me.

No, Jim, I heard it from you.

Then where'd I hear it?

Look, it was just a small misunderstanding that was blown out of

it's all over now. Boy, talk about lip service.

You know, Dick, a thing like this could really shake up a town.

Maybe instead of writing harmful books, you should use your God -given talent to

write something that will help somebody.

Like how -to books?

Boy, Dick didn't learn a thing.

Well, come on, Jim. Obviously, being inspirational is wasted here.

Oh, Dick.

Glad you're here. I was worried you'd be out scaring people straight.

Is this whole town on the same party line? No matter, my controversial

compadres. The important thing is television plus controversy equals

Now that Dick's part in a prison break is major tongue wags, we can just sit

back and scoop up Oprah -sized ratings.

I was not part of a prison break.

Sure, Dick. Tell it to the judge.

Now, on the way over here, I had a hundred water of an idea. This involves

too. Picture this.

A show devoted to the woman behind the accessory.

The mall behind the menace. What do you think? I think you're demented.

And it's just the tip of the iceberg.

We interviewed JoJo on Vermont Today. Are you loving it?

You ask the probing questions.

What is it about your criminal leanings that attracts her?

Michael, that is not entertainment. That is exploitation.

Tomato, tomato, Dick.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Goddard.

Yes, yes, I wrote How to Spackle Like the Pros.

Yes, I wrote that one, too.

Well, I don't know if prolific is exactly the word.

What's that?

Well, you have a nice day, too.

That was Mrs.

Goddard, the librarian.

They were pulling all my books off the shelves.

Don't you people have homes?

That's it, Joanna. Pack up. We're moving.

Dick, don't be ridiculous.

Right. Get me my gun.

You don't own a gun.

Damn.

Joanna, I'm getting sick of this small -town mentality that the next thing you

know, they'll be coming at me with torches.

Dick, this isn't a witch hunt. They're just a bunch of busybodies with nothing

better to do.

I say we throw him in and see if he floats.

Holy backlash, Dick man.

The whole town's in a snit pitch.

Michael, this isn't a good time.

All right, well, then I'll do this as painlessly as possible. Joanna, you

be a guest on Dick's show.

Damn. And I was going to sing Stand By Your Man.

Oh.

It doesn't matter. I'm going to use the show to tell my side of the story and

end all this nonsense.

Minor snag there.

You're not on your show either.

What? Whoa, Dick, put that vein back in your head.

Nobody wants to sponsor the man who helped spring Al How To Griswold.

I thought it was Al the Mole Griswold. He changed it. He never really felt

comfortable with the mole.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'd love to host a pity party, Dick, but I've got problems, too.

On the bright side, now that your show's nixed, I can finally expand Family

Double Dare to the full 90 minutes it deserves.

Boy, Dick, who'd have figured you in cahoots with Al Howe to Griswold.

George, I'm not in cahoots with anyone.

The town doesn't think so.

They're all trying to find copies of your books.

What? Didn't you hear? There's going to be a big book burning tomorrow night.

I just want you to know that I'm not going to the you -know -what

tonight. We're going to miss you when we move, George.

Stop it. We are not going anywhere.

Excuse me.

Yes? You know, I just adore these great little tucked away towns. Are there any

points of interest I should see?

Well, normally I'd give you one of these.

But tonight there is going to be this really big book burning.

Oh, how New England.

Tell me, what books are we burning?

Yes.

Don't look now, but I think somebody just put arms on this statue of Venus.

And gave her a manicure.

And kudos to you, Dick. That book -burning idea is mucho caliente.

It wasn't my idea.

Funny, it screamed Dick to me.

Still, it's just a shot in the arm this humble Hamlet needs.

Michael, has it occurred to you that Dick is being wronged? Well, of course,

I'm not going to dwell on it.

Did I mention that I'm personally handling local coverage of the big book

Great. Anyone else would have turned it into a circus.

Michael, I have a question.

Fire away, Steph. No pun there, Dick.

About this book -burning thing, should I dress theme and go for a flashy look,

or should I go subtle and try to contrapt with the flame?

Doesn't matter what I wear, because I'm not...

going. We know, George.

Well, Steph, I think there's only one way to untangle this fashion snafu.

A trip through my closet?

Oh, could we?

Hi.

Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

We thought you could use a heap of support during this, your time of need.

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Daryl feels an extra spurt of empathy being like you in so many ways.

You both possess that jaunty joie de vivre so rare in these parts.

I've noticed that myself, but I was too afraid to say anything.

Anyway, as a show of solidarity, Daryl and I will not be attending tonight's

book -burning gala.

What? Do you feel the same way, Daryl?

I may have shot off my mouth prematurely.

Daryl has pointed out that not attending an event of such stature could

seriously stunt their social growth.

Well, I mean, they've come this far.

Therefore, we will be present in body but not in spirit.

I won't be present in body or in spirit, Dick.

That's a rumor, George.

Come on, Daryl. I hope you saved up plenty of arm hair to curl in the fire.

Well, I'm still in your corner, Dick.

Even though I hear book burning is a great place to meet chicks.

That's where I met Joanna.

Well, if you need me tonight, I'll be in my empty little room in the dark.

Alone.

George, go to the damn book burning and have a good time. Are you sure?

Yes. Gee, thanks.

Well, this really galls me.

In one day, this whole town has turned against you.

Maybe they have a point.

I mean, a maniac did escape from prison and I was...

Partly responsible.

Honey, that was a fluke. It only happened once.

That we know of.

But that's the point. I mean, what if some pyromaniac slipped a copy of my

Keeping Your Hibachi Happy, Volume 2?

There's a whole chapter in there. I'm starting a fire.

Where are you going?

I'm going to take a long, long walk, and then maybe later I'll go over and watch

my career go up in smoke.

That was the ladies' auxiliary ensemble doing their public domain medley.

We want to thank some of the other people who are making this book burning

a rousing success.

The volunteer fire department for organizing the book drive.

Lambert's hardware for the butane lighters.

Book banning.

Censorship. Protection for society or constitutional calamity. You be the

Enjoying the Burnabaloo?

Oh, I think it's thrilling.

A real book burning. Most people only get to read about them.

You mean this has been done before?

Oh, for hundreds of years.

Cut. Cut.

Stephanie. Oh, no.

What? Well, I don't know how to tell you this looking as resplendent as you do,

but it seems fate has made you the unwitting victim of a horrible faux pas.

your eyes, Jess.

Stop taping. I said, look, press the button on the top. Oh, give me that.

People, people, sure a book burning can be fun, but only if we follow proper

safety procedure.

Now, should one of you weenie toasters catch on fire, remember, stop, drop, and

roll.

Well, I've said my bit.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for.

It's time to set flame to this mountain of filth.

Tell me, is it true that this Loudon character worships the devil?

Oh, I don't think so. Of course, I sleep in on Sundays.

I've heard that if you read his books backwards, they contain messages from

hell.

I'm sure you've heard wrong.

Thanks, George.

Hey, everyone, it's Dick Loudon, the man who made this whole evening possible.

Look, I know you have your mind set on this book burning thing, but before we

ahead, I'd like to have my say. Can you believe this guy?

Look, I realize that one of my books, possibly two, may have indirectly

an illegal act.

But, I mean, any book could have done that if...

if read by the wrong person.

No one ever broke out of prison from reading the Bible, Dick. Wow, Dick's

comparing his books to the Bible.

No, no, the point is that you can't blame the books.

I mean, these are just nuts and bolts books about nuts and bolts.

I mean, one little incident has mushroomed into mass hysteria.

I doubt if any of you have read any of my books. Well, of course not, Dick. We

don't want to spend eternity in H -E double hockey sticks.

All right.

Does this sound like the work of the devil?

Turn off water at source.

Before detaching U -shaped portion of pipe, remember to place drip pan

underneath to prevent staining floor.

Loudon's right.

These are nothing more than instruction manuals. And boring ones at that.

Well, maybe we should burn them.

Can't burn things just because they're boring?

Otherwise, Chester would have been charcoal years ago.

It's a shame to have these weenies go to waste. Isn't there something else we

can burn?

Well, there's wood.

What an idea.

As mayor of this town, I declare this the big wood -burning. A big cheer for

Dick!

Honey, you were wonderful.

Honey, the wood -burning thing was an obvious choice.

I mean the way you handled the crowd. You really turned them around.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Without being too preachy. Uh, Dick?

I may be a little late for work tomorrow.

You know what I mean.

Hello. Hi.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon and this is my... Oh, you're Dick Loudon. And I'm finally

getting to meet you face to face. Out.

Get the hell out of my house.

Not every fan is a criminal.

Honey, I can't afford to take that chance.

Boy, I don't know what you did, Dick, but you sure ticked that IRS guy off.

Meow.