Original subtitles

So everything in this inn is exactly the way it was in the 18th century?

That's right.

They had Antonella on carpet back then?

Well, yeah, those were the more advanced looms.

Oh, you two really seem to have a great life here. This place is perfect.

Well, almost.

Like, I've always wanted a piano over in here where people could come in and

gather around.

And stare because no one here knows how to play.

Honey, with all those people standing and staring, there'd be a lot of

on one of us to learn.

Even without the piano, this is the best place we have ever stayed.

Well, we've got one more stop left on the tour. Dick's study. Yeah, this is

where the magic happens.

And he writes books in here, too.

Hi, um...

I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother, Daryl. Hi, guys.

Fellas, this is Leah and Carrie Myers.

We were just giving them a tour of the inn. Oh, could we hook up with you now?

Or do we have to wait for the rest of the group to come by?

Actually, the tour is over.

Good, because we wanted to throw something at you and see if it sticks.

It's all right. It's just a figure of speech.

Right, guys?

Yeah, sorry to disappoint.

Things haven't been going so well at the cafe.

We need your opinion.

About what?

Used food.

How do you feel about it?

Well, that depends.

What are you going to do with it?

Serve it.

See, we've noticed that we've been getting a lot of our food back with just

couple of bites taken out of it.

We figured if we priced it at a small discount, a slightly irregular hamburger

could become quite popular.

Daryl worked out the figures, and it seems we could get three to five times

return on a single piece of meat.

Guys, could we talk about this later?

Sure. How about you guys come over and join us for supper?

Be the first to sample our new idea.

Oh. Well, actually, the second.

Guys, this sounds like something we should discuss over the phone.

Okay. Darrell, let's get to work on his new slogan. How's this?

Clean the plate of someone who didn't.

Friends of yours?

Well, let's put it this way. They live in the neighborhood, and as innkeepers,

it wouldn't be right to lock the front door.

Why don't you guys join us for dinner tonight? We're going to have baked

halibut. Well, we were going to check out the scenery.

Why don't you have dinner with us and... Look at these.

Okay, we will. Great!

I think you're really going to enjoy the fish.

Joanna and I hardly touched it last night.

Okay. Two grapefruit halves. But I ordered the jumbo stack of pancakes.

Trust me.

Morning, guys.

Morning, George.

Morning, George.

Boy, if we had a dog, I'd think he was dead.

We don't, do we?

No, it's nothing worse.

It's the Myers.

No, no, George.

The Myers are checking out today. We're going to meet them.

Oh, darn.

They're leaving already?

Gee, they're probably the nicest couple I've ever met here.

Not counting you two, of course. Well, you don't really count because you live

here.

Of course, it did take me a while to warm up to you two. Especially you,

First couple of weeks, I thought you were... George!

To be with, they're the only couple in history who have ever gotten Dick to

charades.

Really? Dick?

Charades? Once I got the hang of it, I was pretty unbeatable.

They're just two of the most likable people I've ever met.

Yeah, they were a pretty nice couple.

Stephanie, you liked some guests?

Uh -huh.

They were real sweet.

I only had to tell them once, and from then on they did all their own chores.

Try not to let Carrie and Leah see you like this. I mean, I'm sure they're

feeling bad enough themselves.

Good morning!

I guess they don't like you anywhere as near as much as you like them.

You're never gonna believe what we just did. I can't believe what we just did.

What? Wait, wait.

How many words? Oh!

You bought something.

You bought a house.

They bought a house.

That's terrific. Where?

In the kitchen.

You bought a house in the kitchen.

No, no, no, no, no. Down the block?

You bought that old Victorian down the block?

That's great. We're going to be neighbors. Wait, wait, there's more.

You... You're turning.

You're turning what?

You're turning the house... In.

You're turning the house in?

You're turning the house...

Dick, stop gloating. We came over here to wish them well.

Right. We do like these people, and we know how hard it is to get an inn off

ground, and these people need our support. They call this a lobby?

Dick, Joanna, welcome to the Loon Inn.

So, what do you think now that it's all done?

Well, I just can't believe you got all this done in one month.

Gorgeous bay window, lovely wallpaper, and beautiful hardwood floors.

My piano.

Honey, why don't you give Carrie the gift we brought them?

That's my piano.

Dick.

All right.

Congratulations.

It's supposed to be the hardest jigsaw puzzle in the world.

3 ,000 pieces all black.

Yeah, we would have gone crazy the first couple months, you know, waiting for

people to check in.

Hadn't meant for that, baby.

And maybe, you know, you won't have that kind of time.

Sorry, I wasn't here to greet you. Can you believe this?

Hey, did you see our review in the Boston Globe?

No, we were the only ones in the free world who didn't.

You won't believe this, Dick, but we called them up and their travel editor

running right over.

Hey, I wanted to ask you, how do you handle your waiting list?

Pretty much like this.

Oh, Dick, Joanna, this is Susan, our maid. Oh, hi.

Oh,

boy, it just never stops, does it?

Did you get everyone's kids to sleep? One and a half fairy tales, and they

out like a light.

Sounds like you like kids. Oh, yes, I love them.

You might even like guests, too.

I'm a people person.

More wine?

I think when God was handing out hired help, he said, watch what I do to the

loudest.

Okay, everybody. You know what time it is.

Well, for something terrific, I'll bet.

Gray skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face, everybody.

So put on a happy face.

Uh, is, uh, is this the, uh, the loon in?

Do, uh, do, uh, do you have, do you have a room for tonight?

I, I see. Help.

How soon will one be available?

I don't know if I can wait that long. I am an elderly gentleman.

Bye. Bye, Sonny.

Dick, you forgot to ask if they have Prince Albert in a can.

Book through the end of the year. Now do you believe me? We're goners.

Honey, don't you think you're making a little too much out of this?

I don't know. They open, we close.

Maybe you're right. It's no big deal.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Stephanie.

It's almost 11 o 'clock.

11? Oh, no.

I wanted to be in the stores by 10.

Stephanie, are you ever planning to dust and vacuum again during your stay here?

What on earth for, Dick?

I mean, nobody's here.

Nobody's here, right? Nobody called ahead for reservations?

Well, no.

Darn.

Before you go, if we had some guests and they

had kids, would you consider babysitting for them?

I'd burn my hair first.

Well, that might entertain the kids.

Oh, good.

They're here.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl. We

got something to discuss with you.

Sure does.

We'll break it to you gently.

You're ruining our lives.

All I can say is, oops.

All these years we've been racking our brains trying to come up with some

promotional ideas, i .e.

used food, organ meat of the week.

and a disappointing gizzard on a stick.

But now we realize all the ingenuity in the world won't help us overcome our

biggest liability, our location, smack dab right next to the black hole of

commerce.

We'd like to ask you a favor, and feel free to say no.

Would you consider shifting your end back a few feet so that there's a more

direct view of our place from the loon?

No.

Darn.

Looks like we built our forearms up for nothing.

Oh, George, sit down. We're going to have a meeting.

Uh -oh.

This is it, isn't it?

This is just the way it happened the last time the inn went under.

It did?

This is a meeting to get more people to come here, so I have to do work again.

I don't really think I want to be any part of it.

Now, it's no secret

that the business hasn't exactly been booming. Is that a car?

It is!

They're pulling in.

They're looking at a map.

They're pointing to the loon.

They're driving away.

I can't watch anymore.

Okay, we've played dead long enough.

And we've got to come up with a plan that'll put us back on top.

Dick, while you guys think, is it okay if I start boarding up a few windows?

George, sit down.

What's the use?

The old owners try to laugh.

ditch effort to save this place, too.

Wait a minute. Are you saying the Stratford closed before?

And it might close again?

And if that happened, I don't suppose you'd keep on paying me.

Well, come on, people. What are we going to do?

Okay, the first thing to do is to get this place in tip -top working order.

since I want to keep the staff I have,

I think each one of us should come up with a way that we could be better at

jobs. All right.

Join. Okay.

I've been thinking we could put together a whole pampering weekend package.

Stephanie could even serve people breakfast in bed.

George?

I might be able to make the basement into a game room if Stephanie could help

clean out some of the junk and cobwebs.

Great, George.

Stephanie?

George, going under, was it really that bad?

Hi, hi, Stratford inmates.

Still doing solitary?

Michael, we're in the middle of a meeting.

Oh, you mean about this place going belly up?

Well, listen, I've been giving the problem some thought, and I think I've

up with a solution.

Picture the neon.

Dick's Rendezvous Inn.

Heart -shaped beds, a few well -placed mirrors. You've got a whole new ambiance

here.

No. Trust me, the only way to fight quality is with sleeves.

Okay.

I've got one more idea in the winner's circle.

Start rumors about the other place, huh?

Maybe that poltergeist thing?

Or no, wait.

The ghost from Amityville.

Give it up, Michael.

Well, Joanna, that spook had to go somewhere. Who's to say it's not right

the street?

It could be.

Everybody else is.

I didn't know you played.

Well, I don't really. That's all I know.

Just the one song? No, just the one intro.

See, last year at the Beaver Pancake Fest, I won a one -hour piano lesson

Mrs. Klinkerman at Klinkerman's Piano and Tractor Emporium.

But you know, Dick...

it takes more than an hour to learn how to play the piano.

So that was as far as she could teach me before the timer dinged.

I hate this stupid dress.

It makes me look like a maid.

And the people who just pulled into the driveway are probably going to see me in

it. George, go look and make sure they're getting out of the car.

No way. I've been burned too many times.

All right, this is it. This is the beginning of the new and approved...

Stratford Inn. All right, everybody, line up.

Welcome

to

the Stratford.

I actually come from a very wealthy background.

Stephanie. Well, you made me wear this.

Hi, I'm Dick Loudon, and this is my fun -loving wife, Joanna, and everybody's

pal, George.

I'm Dick.

I'm sure we're going to be real, real good friends.

Orders? No, thanks.

My daddy could buy and sell you.

Stephanie, would you please go and get room four ready?

Actually, I think we'd like to wait just a little while.

Why? Well, see, we're on standby at the loon.

You can see the other end from the porch.

It's almost like we're there.

Yeah, it's quite a photo opportunity right out there along that railing.

Oh, if that's for you, could you keep it short in case the loon's trying to get

through to us?

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Well, you're in luck. It's the loon. Be nice.

Okay, I'll tell him.

It doesn't look good.

Now what are we supposed to do?

I know this may be kind of out of left field, but... You know, you can stay

here.

What do you think?

Well, it's either this place or sleeping in the car.

Well, we don't have to decide now.

I mean, there's no chance you're going to fill up, right?

No.

But in five minutes, everybody's pal George will throw you out.

Okay. Okay.

Room four, top of the stairs to your right, and George will bring up your

luggage.

Honey, it won't be that bad.

I hate this place. I feel like I'm in hell.

Guests of the new, improved Stratford.

Just what I've always wanted, a hotel full of bitter, loon rejects.

Someone's coming up the walk.

Okay, everybody, let's get into our... I'm not lining up until I know they're

staying.

Harry, Leo.

Oh, good, people were serving for their own.

Mind if we sit down for a while?

I just wanted to go someplace for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Funny, funny, I...

place would have popped into your mind.

Boy, you guys have it made.

This is the kind of inn we wanted to build.

How do you create such a quiet, relaxed atmosphere?

Hey, we're not giving away all our secrets.

If we'd wanted the rat race, we would have stayed in the city.

This word of mouth is killing us.

Tell you the truth, Dick, we're thinking of selling.

You are.

Someone's already made us an offer.

The bizarre thing is they don't even want to use it as an inn.

They just want to live there.

Do you think we should sell?

We're probably not the people to ask.

Oh, come on. Talk us out of it.

Don't sell.

Nice try, Dick, but we really have to.

We're going to miss you guys.

All I can say is ditto.

Well, thanks for all your help.

I guess we better get back and start canceling all those reservations.

Oh, we could refer them all to the Stratford. Oh, no.

Couldn't do that to Dick and Joanna.

Well, it's...

You know, it'd be a nightmare, but... You know, feel free, just...

Just this once.

Oh.

You guys.

Bye.

Well, we shut him down inside of a month.