Original subtitles

Is he here yet? Not yet.

Michael, look at this.

Dick, I cried because I had a broken chair until I met a man who had no

Michael, today we have an idol of mine on my show, Edwin Newman.

I mean, suppose he comes into the office and sees this. I mean, it's

embarrassing. Dick, I'll take care of it. I'll make certain he gets absolutely

nowhere near your office.

Take a gander at some of the questions I wrote up.

Michael, I don't need questions.

I mean, I'm a major fan of Mr. Newman's. I prepared the interview myself.

But Dick, I did a lot of digging and I uncovered a few surprising facts.

Did you know Edwin Newman was one of the major news honchos at NBC?

Of course.

Wow, you really are into this guy, aren't you?

Let's see what questions you came up with.

Do you think you could beat Mike Wallace in a one -on -one brawl?

Well, come on, Dick. You can't say you're not curious.

Hi, hi.

It's Edwin's people.

Yes.

Oh, no.

Really? Well, uh, do me a favor.

See if a picture of President Jackson will change his mind.

Looks like Edwin Newman's a slow fade to black.

Canceled? And that's final? You heard me offer his man an easy 20.

They said they were going to try and find us another date.

Rats.

Whoa, rats.

You are disappointed.

But we're in luck. I think we can get the unbelievable Jerry.

Michael, we can always get the unbelievable Jerry.

He hangs around every Sunday dressed for the show just in case.

Ten minutes before we go live, Dick. I think his time has come.

I don't need a phony psychic on the show. It's better if I go on all by

All right, Dick.

I bet Jerry's predicting it's going to be a big bomb.

So, Dick, who'd you get to replace Edwin Newman?

You going to go with the unbelievable Jerry?

No, Jerry, I'm going to go on all by myself.

Good idea, Dick.

I'll have the test pattern standing by.

And now it's Vermont Today, starring Dick Loudon.

Hi there. Our originally scheduled guest, Edwin Newman, couldn't be with us

today.

Rats.

So I thought I'd try something a little different.

You know, talk to you off the top of my head about what's on my mind.

You know, a psychic phenomenon is on everyone's mind these days. I

just happen to have someone here who claims he's involved with that. So could

someone try and find the unbelievable

Jerry?

Thank you very much.

I'm fine. Yes, it is my real name. Oh, about nine years.

See what I just did there?

I answered your first three questions before you even asked them.

But those weren't my first three questions. I'm getting another picture

You have another business besides this one, am I right?

Yes. It's a lumber company, ladies and gentlemen.

No, it's an inn. But what is it made of?

Lumber, correct?

Yeah, but I mean, any... I sense a little skepticism here, Dick.

What I'm going to do is unite my mind with the cosmic forces of the universe

perform the greatest test of psychic ability known to man.

I am going to bend some spoon.

Why is it all you guys ever do with your psychic ability is bend spoons?

I also bend keys.

And did you ever think of harnessing your amazing powers and doing some good

the world like...

Maybe helping peace talks along somewhere?

Hey, I'll go anywhere they supply a spoon.

Which reminds me, I'll be at the Beaver Creek Mall this Thursday evening,

providing personal and financial advice to shoppers of all ages for a very

reasonable fee.

And we've got a special discount for you seniors out there.

What exactly qualifies you to give personal or financial advice?

What qualifies me?

Take a look at this spoon, Dick.

This is ridiculous.

You're no psychic.

You're a... You're a weenie.

I can't believe I said that.

I have never been treated like this. And before I walk off, I'd just like to

remind everyone I'll be at the carpet warehouse.

Get out of here!

So, where, uh... Where, where was I?

Ah, what... What was on my mind?

JJ!

Joanna?

I'm about to make an important decision that will change my entire life.

I've decided to get personalized license plates.

That is a life -changing decision.

I guess that's why I put it off all these years.

But I'm not sure what I wanted to say.

In a lot of ways, it's the most irreversible decision a person can make.

if you marry the wrong guy, you can always get a divorce, but if you choose

wrong license plate, you have to stand in line at the DMV for hours.

I've narrowed it down to either I'm a doll or cupcake.

What do you think?

I don't even have an opinion.

I told you it was a tough decision.

What's a tough decision?

Well, Stephanie's getting personalized license plates, and she can't decide

precious little thing it should say.

Which one do you like for me, George?

I'm a doll or cupcake?

I don't know, Stephanie. Maybe I'm old -fashioned, but to me, you'll always be

XPG407.

Okay.

I've decided.

I'm going with cupcake.

That is the statement I want to make.

Now, I just have to be sure it's available.

Stephanie, where'd you get that?

They don't let people remove those books from the DMV.

They do if you go like this.

Oh, cupcake is already taken.

That's just not fair. Nobody could make a better cupcake than me.

Get them to give it to me.

Stephanie, they don't release that information to the public.

Joanna, they let me take this book home, didn't they?

Hi, honey.

Boy, the show today was really something.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Dick, it wasn't as bad as you think. It was kind of exciting when you called him

a weenie.

Honey, I have never used that word in my life. And the one time I do, it's in

front of hundreds, thousands of people.

Dick, it was better than the what was on your mind part.

Yeah, Dick, I think you lucked out.

You'd look a lot worse if you'd called Edwin Newman a weenie.

Pinch me. I'm dreaming.

The phones have not stopped ringing. We're up to our keisters and kudos.

Try this title on for size.

Dick Loudon's Target Practice, with your host, Vermont's own verbal kickboxer,

Machine Gun Mouth Loudon.

Michael, what happened today on the show was a fluke. I was tired, I was

frustrated, I was disappointed.

All things we can recreate again.

Michael, we're not changing the show, and that's final. Okay, Dick, all right,

have it your way. We'll go back to the old format.

You talking interrupted by the occasional test pattern.

Oh, hi, Dick. Ready to get out there and grab them all over again?

Michael, I thought we agreed the show was going back to the way it was. Dick,

relax. We agreed on the guest, didn't we?

That, uh, fuddy -duddy from the University Museum of Antiquities?

He's your kind of guy, Dick. He's got a Phoenician bowl exhibit.

Five seconds to wear.

Pull him over, Dick.

I wasn't expecting you.

I hope this doesn't have anything to do with last week's show.

Well,

let me introduce my first guest.

Dr. Miles Randall -Dix, curator of antiquities at the University Museum and

-nuclear war activist.

I'm sorry. I think we had a little mix -up there. I'm sure our announcer...

Didn't mean to say pro -nuclear war activist.

Sure he did. I'm a pro -nuclear war activist.

Yeah, I did.

You see, Mr. Loudon, when you've really studied ancient civilization, you become

acutely aware of how much mankind has deteriorated.

Why has this happened?

Because the process of natural selection has been irrevocably tampered with.

and there's just no way to really clean house anymore.

Which is why I believe we should have a limited nuclear war.

Blow a lot of the scum off the face of the earth and simply start all over

again.

Go get them, Jack!

So, Phoenician balls.

How far back do these babies go?

1200 BC.

They're relics of a time when quality craftsmanship was an important part of

everyday life.

Why? Because back then it was survival of the fittest.

In those days, a plague or a famine could build up some steam.

But now, look at the crowds you see everywhere.

Even the lines for 12 items or less are enormous.

Which is why I reiterate, a carefully managed, violent nuclear war

would be a much -needed cleansing, a bath for humanity.

Okay,

I'll admit, a nuclear war would probably make a lot of lines

shorter.

I mean, what about the fact that afterwards the, you know, the entire

would be poisoned?

Yeah!

Well, Mr. Loudon, obviously you're not interested in discussing this

intelligently.

In fact, at any moment, I bet you're going to call me a weenie.

I have no intention of calling you a

weenie, Dr. Eddle. Ah!

even though you are one.

Good day, Mr. Loudon.

Have a nice nuclear winter.

The Phoenician Bowl exhibit will... will continue at the University Museum

until the 15th.

something. Will you at least have your cereal?

Honey, it's in a bowl.

Don't you forget about yesterday's show. You're being too hard on yourself.

Dick, take a look at these ratings. We actually got a whole number.

We finally beat out those unoccupied channels.

Michael, you know I couldn't care less. Wow.

This means nothing. I mean, some of the worst shows in...

in history, have gotten great ratings.

True, but did any of them get great reviews?

Dick, hold on to this paper with one hand and pat yourself on the back with

other.

Dick Loudon's acerbic wit cuts like a knife through the dull baloney of

afternoon television.

Gee, I... Usually I agree with this guy.

Excuse me, Mr. Loudon.

Could I...

Possibly have your autograph.

I don't think you want that.

Please, we love your show. I can't believe we're staying here at your inn.

Thank you so much.

Can I ask you one more thing?

Sure. This is my husband, Tim.

Would it be too much trouble for you to call him a weenie?

I don't think he really... No, please.

Call me a weenie.

It'd be an honor.

You're a weenie.

This is so exciting.

So, Dick, did I just see that hat size jump a notch?

Michael, I don't care what other people think. I care what I think.

And right now, I think Joanna and I are going to take a drive.

You want to buy more newspapers?

Well, you know, if we pass a stand.

Oh, Michael, good.

Michael, this is Vince Dinsmore, you know, Cupcake.

You're Cupcake?

Yes.

It's my license plate, and there's nothing going to make me give it up.

Michael?

Well, Vince, you know, I'm just curious. What would a well -built, barrel

-chested drink of water like yourself want with a wimpy little plate that says

cupcake? Of course, it's the name of my million -dollar business, Cupcake Inc.

Big, big deal.

Cupcake Inc.? You know, tasty little cake. Get in the cup, grab it by the

handle, eat it right up.

I got a whole fleet of cupcake trucks.

I got...

promotional t -shirts. I got keychains.

But, Michael, I'm the only true cupcake.

Steffi, sweetheart, for the first time in your life, you may have to accept

there's something in this world that you can't have.

Michael, are you trying to make me break out into a rash?

Steph, I'm afraid none of those old standbys are going to work this time.

Damn good pout, Steph.

But it's just not enough.

What kind of monster are you?

Look, if it means that much to you, you can have the dumb plate.

I'll contact the DMV first thing in the morning.

Could you try to be there by 7 .30 so you could be the first one in line?

No, no, no.

Okay, okay, lighten up already.

Real leather?

Actually, it's real leatherette.

But you deserve the perk, Dick. The show's so hot, you're going to have to

in asbestos.

Bev's even thinking of moving the time slot to right after 60 minutes, you

to capitalize on an audience that's already been primed for a fight.

You know, what I do is not that much different from 60 minutes.

I expose charlatans in a...

In a tasteful way.

Dick, whatever you're talking about, I agree.

I wouldn't be surprised if you sweep those Nobel's this year.

Michael, that's ridiculous.

Maybe a more local award.

Take a gander at next week's guest.

Mrs. Henrietta Epson, author of The Fudge and Whiskey Diet?

That's right, Dick. How many more innocents must plump into a fat stupor

she's stopped?

I guess I could nail her.

Great, Dick. Her only demand is that someone drive her here in a car with a

really big back seat.

Jesus, a pro -nuke nut.

Dr. Randall. Mr. Loudon, I just stopped by to say thank you.

You're welcome.

For what?

For allowing me to be a guest on your show.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing since the show aired. I've already signed up

new members, which is an increase of 3 ,000%. Because before that, it was

just me.

I want you to know, if you're ever looking for a sparring partner, I'm your

weenie.

Because of you and your show, The whole world is just a little closer to nuclear

disaster.

That's it. We're going back to the old format.

Dick, no.

Michael, I would rather bore people senseless than cater to the lunatic

Dick, there's no good reason why we can't do both.

Michael, I want to do the kind of TV I want to do.

It's more important to be good than popular.

Is that your final word, Dick?

I'm afraid it is.

Well, to tell you the truth, I respect you for it.

Thank you, bud.

Excuse us.

Edwin Newman's here, Dick.

You know, I was so excited about this interview, I couldn't sleep last night.

Don't worry, Dick. I'm sure we'll all be able to catch some Z's during the

interview.

Welcome to Vermont Today with your host, Dick Loudon, and his very special

guest, Edwin Newman.

I am honestly thrilled and delighted to introduce my guest today.

Quite frankly, he's always been one of my heroes.

Well, actually, more than one of my heroes.

He's a sort of idol of mine.

Before I completely embarrass myself, why don't I just introduce him?

Mr.

Edwin Newman.

It's an honor to have you here, sir.

Mr. Loudon, when I originally agreed to be a guest on your program, I took it on

faith from a publicist, an act of some naivete, I agree, that yours was a

program of reasonable quality.

I've had occasion these last two weeks to watch the program myself, and I have

found that it typifies everything that is wrong.

in television today.

So I came on the program to tell you that myself.

Now, I intend to leave before you begin your usual name -calling.

And by the way, the correct term is not weenie, it is wiener.

Good day, Mr. Lowden.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Edwin Newman.

I could have told you this would happen.

Meow.