Original subtitles

Well, I got rid of that squeak, Dick. Thanks, George.

Don't thank me, thank this oil.

I'd rather just thank you, George.

Is there anything else you want me to do, Dick?

No, I think that's it.

Great. For the first time since I can remember, I have absolutely nothing to

I haven't done my job so well I've made myself obsolete, have I, Dick?

Come on, George. Do you know the sense something's breaking all the time?

You sure that's not just wishful thinking?

Yeah. I hope something breaks pretty soon.

We all do, George.

Whoa!

That's Diane.

You recognized me.

Well, I recognized you. What are you doing here?

Kissing you on the lips, Dick.

Oh, sorry, Diane. This is George Utley. George, this is Diane Beckwith. You're

not going to say hi to me like you did to Dick, are you?

No.

Oh.

Dick and I are old friends, but actually my name is Diane Gordon.

Some old friend, Dick. You don't even know her name.

Well, George, Dick couldn't have known. You see, I just switched back to my

maiden name after getting my divorce three months ago.

Uh -oh.

Well, I figured after getting away from Arnold, I may as well get away from

everything for a while, do a little skiing. Where better than in Vermont? By

staying at Dick Loudon's Inn.

I think Joanna could suggest a few places.

So, do you have a room?

Uh, uh, yeah.

He has a wife, too.

George. I look forward to meeting him.

And spending some time with you.

Same here, although I get to be with me most of the time.

Well, I'm going to unpack and hit the slopes.

Hopefully not with my behind.

George will help you with your bags. Oh, thank you, George.

Dick, I don't think you should let her stay here.

George, it's nothing to worry about.

Come on, Dick. She kissed you and then she mentioned her behind.

George, she's somebody I used to go with in college. It's nothing.

I'm sure Joanna will think it's nothing, too, Dick.

Joanna, should we really be going through all this? I heard it was better

natural food.

Stephanie, vegetables are natural food.

Well, then we should serve them in their natural size instead of going through

all this.

Okay, Stephanie, you don't have to chop any more onions.

I'm not chopping onions. I just don't like being here.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi. This sounds pretty intimate. I should probably leave.

Stephanie.

Um, I guess... I guess just check them.

Oh, that's good.

She's a... She's a woman.

Well, they're one of the two best kinds.

Actually, she's a woman I used to know in college.

Stephanie, maybe you better leave.

Are you kidding?

Anyway, I used to date her in college and...

And now she's here.

Did you hear that George has run out of things to do?

Dick has an old flame.

She's not old.

And she's not a flame.

She was more like an ember.

Dick, you are so cute.

Honey, it's silly of you to be uncomfortable just because a former

staying here.

It is.

Good. Well, you know, I thought so. I just wanted to make sure that you

so, too.

You want to know what I think? No.

When do I get to meet her?

Excuse me.

Oh, I guess now is as good a time as any.

Diane, this is my wife, Joanna.

Joanna, this is Diane Gordon.

Oh, sure that Diane dictated his senior year in college. He told me all about

you. Nice to meet you. You, too.

So, you're the woman who married Scooter.

Scooter?

Oh, yes, that was my nickname for Dick in college. He used to ride around

on a red scooter.

A Scooter?

A motor scooter.

You never told you that? Would you?

Diane, this is Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I'm sorry, we couldn't meet under different circumstances.

What do you mean?

Well, look at us.

We're in a kitchen.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry to just barge in here like this, but I thought maybe I could

a snack before going skiing.

Well, we have vegetables.

Are those cupcakes?

Oh, yeah. Would you like one?

Oh, maybe a half.

Oh, what the hell? Give me the whole thing.

Who needs to exhale?

And how would you like to join us for dinner tonight?

Say, about 8 o 'clock.

I'd love to hear more about Scooter.

Well, I'd enjoy hearing more about the innkeeper. Well, good. Then it's set.

Tonight. Dinner and Dick Loudon. Then and now. I'm glad I have a date.

Boy, you really dressed up.

What do you mean?

I mean, look at you.

Honey, it doesn't look like I haven't worn that suit before.

Yes, it is. You've never worn that suit before.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but the tie's been around the block.

Gee, look at you two.

Is that a new toot, Dick?

Yes. Yes, George.

So, does anything in here need repairing?

I don't think so, George.

Darn. The dining room was my last hope.

Why can't a real clumsy guy check in?

George, you know, I think...

I think the lamp might be broken. Really?

Oh, boy.

Don't toy with me, Dick.

George, you should just be proud of the work you've done here and enjoy your

time off.

Boy, where's a squeak when you need one?

I'm going to check on dinner.

Okay.

Dick. Do you realize this is the first time you will have dated both of us

together?

I just hope I'm the one you end up with tonight.

We'll see how you do.

Oh, made in England.

Nice job, too.

New suit?

Uh, yeah.

You look nice.

I know.

I mean, I just... I just looked at myself in the plate.

You look nice, too.

See?

Oh, there you are. How was skiing?

Oh, it was fun. Good.

Okay, enough small talk. I want to hear all about Scooter.

Oh, no.

Enough about this crazy scooter guy.

Let's talk about my television show. It's on every weekend.

Weekends? I always used to go see Dick at the basketball games on weekends.

Dick, you never told me you played college basketball.

Well... He was the scorekeeper.

Honey, a guy can shoot a winning basket in triple overtime until I put the

points on the board. The game is not over.

You know, let's talk about the present. I didn't peak with scorekeeping. You

know, my life is pretty darn neat right now.

How did you two meet?

In school.

Surprise, surprise.

How did you and Dick meet? We were both working at the same ad agency.

He used to steal all these paperclips off my desk, then return them bent up in

all these different shapes and insist they were pieces of modern art.

And do you realize if you kept any of them, we could have retired by now?

Oh, and then he used to try out some of his ad campaigns on me before he'd

present them in a meeting. What was the worst one?

What kind of question is that?

Oh, come on. Worsts are always more fun than best. Oh, well, now the worst one I

remember was Dick's campaign to get people to use more Brylcreem.

His slogan was, Brylcreem, a big glob will do you.

You've got to love a guy with a mind like that.

Is that what just attracted you to Dick?

Yeah, I guess so.

What attracted you?

Well, I think his caring.

Yeah. His kindness.

His legs. You're kidding.

If you don't mind, I'd like to step into another dimension.

Honey,

come on. We're just having fun.

I know I am.

What else can we compare about him?

Well, let's see.

Oh, I know. How did he propose to you?

Here's something interesting.

About Diane.

Did you know that she makes her own quilts?

Honey, that was a real good dinner.

The food part, I mean.

See, you were wrong.

When I married you and when else?

When you said that I was silly to be uncomfortable that she was here.

That's because I didn't know you'd propose to her.

What else don't I know about you, Dick, if in fact that is your name?

Joanna. Why didn't you ever tell me about this? I did tell you. You never.

Well, you might have been asleep.

I mean, this isn't the kind of thing that a wife likes to hear.

At least, judging by the reaction so far.

If she said yes when you proposed, would you have married her?

That's only polite.

I can't believe you wanted to spend your life with somebody else.

How am I supposed to deal with this dick?

In a calm, rational manner.

Is this her ring?

Of course not. I bought her a one -carat ring.

That's bigger than mine.

Honey, I've been burned once.

Honey, the reason I didn't tell you...

about this before is because proposing to Diane was probably the most

humiliating experience of my life.

Sort of like tonight's dinner was for me.

Anyway, I brought her to the auditorium late one night and I got up on stage

and I got down on one knee and I proposed and she

laughed.

And what a laugh.

I mean, the acoustics were really good at it.

You gave all that thought to proposing to her?

You just turned to me on a bus and said, what say we get married?

Honey, you're missing the point. I don't think I know you.

In that case, how do you feel about sleeping with strangers?

Honey, this is silly.

I mean, when I proposed to Diane, I didn't even know you.

Besides, I don't think she was really ever that interested in me.

Well, maybe she's interested now.

Oh, honey, come on.

She shows up out of nowhere on the heels of her divorce at the inn of a man who

bought her a gargantuan ring.

You'll figure it out.

Honey, she's not after me.

I mean, after all, I'm a married man.

Right?

Good morning, everyone.

Let me guess. You told me.

How could you, Dick?

George, I didn't know Joanna then.

You probably had another handyman in your past, too, huh?

I hope you want breakfast because I'm not getting you any.

Joanna, what do you want me to do? I can't go back in time and not propose to

her. Have you tried?

What if I promise never to propose to another woman again?

You're all overreacting.

It was a long time ago.

Hi, Sheik.

So where's the harem?

Michael? Well, I guess you'll be packing for Utah, huh?

Leave it alone, Michael. Dick, Dick, Dick, heat up that cold stare. This

impressed. You've got one knockout -looking wife and another one waiting in

wing.

She isn't waiting in any wing.

Oh, sure, Dick. She'd just stumble onto your inn by accident. Quite a

coinkydinky, don't you think?

Michael, I don't generally think in terms of co -inky dinky.

She came here to ski.

Dick, get with it. Do you need the writing on the wall to be a neon?

She's recently divorced, isn't she? It's obvious she came up here hoping you'd

be like Kareem and grab that rebound.

Michael, when I asked her to marry me back in college, she laughed in my, she

said no.

Well, you were probably just some runty kid back then.

But look at you now. You're a successful author, an innkeeper, a popular TV

host, thanks to yours truly.

Except for the fact that you're married, you're the most eligible older guy in

town.

Now that she sees what she's missed, she's gotta want you.

I guess maybe she did make a pretty big mistake.

That's using the old ego, Dick.

And if you need any more help with wife number one or bachelorette number two,

you know who to turn to.

I mean, if there's one thing I know, it's how to handle women. Michael? Right

there, Steph.

Uh,

Dick, I've been thinking.

Since it was so long ago that you proposed to Diane, and since you didn't

me to turn to for advice back then, well, I've decided to forgive you.

Thanks, George. You were the one I was most worried about.

Oh, that's nice, George. You're reading one of my books.

Yeah, I thought Shelf Help deserved a second read.

Besides, since I can't be a handyman anymore, I figured reading about it

help me relive my glory days.

Look at this.

Put Peg A into Groove B.

Boy, does that bring back a lot of memories.

George, your career isn't over.

Dick, I didn't even put on my hammer this morning.

George, you're our handyman. That's your job for as long as you want it, whether

anything ever breaks again or not.

Really, Dick?

Yes, George, just treat it like a mini paid vacation.

Go crazy.

Well, I haven't been ice fishing in a while.

Well, go to it, you nut.

Thanks, Dick. If there's ever a handyman's hall of fame, I'm going to

that you're in it.

Excuse me, but our radiator isn't working.

Oh, that's great.

Our handyman will be right up there.

Did you hear that, George?

Yeah, I guess I'm going to go put on my hammer.

George, I thought you wanted something to fix.

Well, that was before you got me all hepped up to go ice fishing.

Thanks a lot, Dick.

Oh, there you are. Just the man I've been looking for. I know.

Diane, can we talk for a minute?

Sure.

What are we going to talk about?

Us. Oh.

Not us. I mean, you and me.

Isn't that us?

Diane, I'm married. I know.

I had dinner with you and your wife last night.

No, no, I mean really married.

I love Joanna.

And even though you're free, I'm not.

And I'm not going to be any time again.

Now, I know it's hard to accept, you know, my life turning out as well

as it did, but, I mean, you...

You had your chance.

You think I'm after you?

Hey, I don't need the writing on the wall to be neon.

Dick, I'm not, really.

Come on.

Are you saying that you wouldn't be at all interested now if I said, Diane,

you marry me?

Well, at least the acoustics aren't as good.

Dick, I... I don't think we were ever meant to be a couple. I

think we were meant to be a couple of friends.

Oh, you know, that's the way I've always felt.

Why... Why were you looking for me if it wasn't...

Because you were after him.

I wanted to check out.

That... That would be my second guess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

She dropped this. Her key, here.

Joanna, Joanna, please, wait.

I understand there's been some tension because of my being here, but really,

it's all so silly.

Believe me, I'm not at all interested in your husband.

Really, Dick is not my type. He never has been, he never will be.

Maybe you can imagine the two of us together, but trust me, I can't. I mean,

there was hardly that much between us back then. All right.

She's convinced.

Well, thanks for telling me that.

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Dick, I'm sorry.

Well, it has been nice seeing you again.

Yeah, yeah, we had some laughs.

Well, I have some packing to do.

Dick, I'm sure she exaggerated some of that just to make me feel better.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I mean, what woman could really resist Dick Loudon?

More than I care to remember.

Oh, and thank you for saying yes when I propose without even a snicker.

My pleasure.

Dick, you know, I just think the thing that upset me the most about all this,

besides you not telling me before, was wondering, you know, if you'd had the

choice between us.

Would you have picked me?

Honey, between you and anybody, I would have picked you.

Now, how about I take my first choice out to lunch? Okay.

I just hope there are no more deep, dark secrets that I don't know about you.

Honey, don't worry.