All language subtitles for Newhart s05e11 Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

Stephanie, what are you doing?

Well, since gloomy old man winter is out
there, Michael decided to cheer me up

with an indoor picnic.

I'm making the flowers and Michael's
making the forest creatures.

Well, I'd love to join you two, but I
have this damn reality to deal with.

Stephanie, it's almost five o 'clock.
Have you dusted the bookcase yet?

Joanna, I was going to, but...

As you can see, those top shelves are
awfully high for a true petite.

And I couldn't find the ladder anywhere.

I checked every window in the house, but
I just couldn't find that draft,

Stephanie.

Oh, look.

Recommended for use by true petites.

Stephanie, I want this bookcase dusted
by the time we get back from shopping.

George.

Now, we'll be back in one hour. That
gives you 55 minutes to put it off.

I don't know why I have to do this.
Anyone stupid enough to look up there in

first place deserves a face full of
dust.

Oh! Now, don't worry, young lady. A
broken toe isn't serious.

Of course, you may have to stay off your
feet for a while.

Oh!

You know, you're very lucky that it was
only the second rung of that ladder.

How long will it take to heal?

Oh, about two weeks or so.

Doctor, that stay off my feet thing,
could you put that in writing?

Well, she certainly has a sense of
humor.

Not really.

Now, I just want to say that I don't
blame anyone for this, especially the

obvious choice, Joanna.

Stephanie, I was just trying to get you
to do your work. Well, I hope you think

twice before you try that again.

It was my ladder. Why couldn't it have
been my toe?

Doctor, is there anything we should do
for Stephanie?

No, just keep the pressure off her foot.

Now, young lady, you don't be afraid to
let other people do things for you.

Yeah, you're really going to have to
drill that into her.

Michael, it's only a broken toe.

Oh, Michael, it was awful. Joanna forced
me to climb this rickety old ladder.

And when I finally got to the... Oh, it
must have been the fifth rung.

It broke and I crashed to the floor.

Dear God, why?

Excuse me, Lamb Chop. I just have to
talk to the doctor.

Dick.

poop, I can take it. Will there be any
scars?

No.

Of course, your nail may grow in a
little crooked for a few weeks. Oh, my

Dick, I expect whoever is responsible
for this heinous crime be swiftly

to account.

You're right, Michael. I'll have the
latter taken out and destroyed.

I'll do it, Dick.

No, you won't, George. Now, no one or
thing is to blame.

That's right, George. An accident can
happen to anyone at any time.

Gee, Dick, that's kind of a scary
thought.

You mean this never occurred to you
before, George?

No.

Wow.

We're all a thread away from oblivion.

Honey, what are we going to do for the
next few weeks without a maid? We've got

lots of reservations.

Simple. We'll just hire a temporary
maid.

You think we can find anybody on such
short notice who can do Stephanie's

I don't believe...

I said that.

Oh, Michael.

This is so much fun. And just like a
real picnic.

You know, Steph, even in illness, you
look as perfect as you always do. I

Well, I better get back to work.

Oh, don't worry about that. The new maid
will clean it up.

Whoa, life is a picnic.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Daryl.

other brother, Daryl.

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

That's okay, Michael.

Miss Stephanie, we hear you've been off
your feed due to a defunct digit.

Well, Daryl here is quite medically
adept, and he's always held a special

fascination for feet.

Thanks, Larry, but I think I'll just
stick with the doctor I have.

It never hurts to get a second opinion.

I would have lost my arm once, but the
second doctor just took the splinter

Well, I'll just take my chances, Larry.

Okay, but we did bring you a miracle
salve that you yourself can apply to the

affected appendage.

Now, despite its tempting aroma, this is
not to be taken internally.

Could it possibly be taken out of my
sight?

Okay, have it your way.

I ain't never seen anyone turn down free
Bengay before.

Come on, Daryl. Bossy ain't picky about
what we rub on her.

How are you feeling, Stephanie?

Just the same as I was when you checked
15 minutes ago.

Stephanie, you never know when an
accident might happen.

I brought you these.

Thanks.

I think I'd like to take a nap now,
George.

Okay. But rest safely.

Your pillow can become your death mask.

Excuse me, Mom.

Mind if I tidy up a bit in here? Not at
all, Sylvia. I like to watch other

people work.

Oh, not me.

I prefer to do it myself.

Ew.

No wonder we beat your country in a war.

Don't forget to clean that up.

Oh, you made this mess.

Oh, I thought it might be one of these
little forest creatures.

Before you do that, you might puff up
these pillows. Oh, right -o.

Oh, yeah, that's exactly what they need.

Mum said no one could puff pillows like
me.

I thought I was mum.

No, I'm talking about me mum -mum.

Oh, she's back home in London. You know,
she's going to be, what, 75 this month?

Uh, a little fluffier, please.

Oh, all right.

Listen,

if you don't mind my inquiring, how did
you get that toe?

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be fed up
telling people about it. I was climbing

enormous ladder.

Hello, madam, sir.

Poor brave girl was just telling me
about her frightful accident.

What rung is she up to now?

So, Stephanie, how are you feeling?

We've seen the doctor's note.

It's going to take me a lot longer than
I thought to recuperate.

It's perfectly all right. There's no
rush.

There isn't? No, no rush at all.

Sylvie, I know you've been working very
hard, but if you get the time later,

could you clean the dining room floor?

Oh, it's already done, Mum. And waxed.
And the kitchen floor, too.

She's good.

I didn't do the lobby because I ran out
of wax.

We're used to a bottle lasting six,
eight months.

Well, it's all right, though. I sweat,
mopped, and double -buffed.

She's good.

I'd like to chat longer, but I've got
windows to wash, grout to clean, and

to scrub.

She's good.

You know, I'm feeling a little better.
Maybe it won't take me as long as I

thought to recuperate.

Tiffany, take as long as you need. We're
in good hands.

And don't lose that note.

Now, let's see, that's two breakfast
specials and you're just going to have

coffee, right?

Excuse me, same as yesterday.

Right, yeah.

She's good.

I know, I know.

What a shame, we'll have to let her go
when... when Stephanie recovers.

We... we will have to let her go, right?

Of course.

You know, Stephanie will get better
and...

We'll have to, have to let Sylvia go.

Right?

Right.

I mean, you know, otherwise we'd have,
we'd have two mates.

One, one made terrific and, and, and
one, one made Stephanie.

Dick, you're not thinking of replacing
Stephanie.

Oh, no, no, it never, never, never
crossed my mind.

Besides, you know, after a while, Sylvia
will probably start to slow down a

little bit.

And then she'll only be a

hundred times better than Stephanie.

Morning, Dick, Joanna.

Well, that's a big agenda for today.

First, I've got to make sure all those
stairs are completely secure.

I've got to put non -skid rubber mats in
every bathtub.

And I've got to... Dick, it's really
better to take smaller bites.

George, I think I know how to eat. I've
been doing it all my life.

And we want that to continue, don't we,
Dick?

They say you should chew each bite 25
times before you swallow.

George, this is oatmeal.

I know.

but who's to say there isn't a lump with
your name on it?

George, I like living on the edge.

George, don't you think you're
overreacting to Stephanie's accident

little bit? I just wish someone had been
overreacting to that latter.

Dick, that coffee could be scalding hot.
You should blow on it.

George, I'm an adult. I know how to
drink coffee.

Not yet, she hasn't.

Want me to carry you, Stephanie?

Thanks, George, but I have to get used
to living with my handicap.

I think we have a movie of the week in
the making.

Here, sit in my chair.

It seems pretty safe.

It's nice to see you downstairs,
Stephanie.

Sure.

I bet you really missed me.

We did.

Right, Dick?

Right.

Believe me, things haven't been the same
without you.

You look a lot happier than you do when
I'm serving breakfast.

That's ridiculous. We're not happier,
are we, Dick?

No.

So, where is Miss Perfect, anyway?

Look, Stephanie, Sylvia makes mistakes
just like anybody else.

Name one mistake she made.

Well, she, uh... She kind of dropped a
plate of eggs before.

Oh.

She made a big mess.

Well, actually, she caught the plate
just... Just before it hit the ground.

Well, now, is everything all right,
everybody?

still black and blue and cute all over?

Michael, I'm going to be replaced by a
foreign person.

Steph, if you could take a second
injury, I'd say bite your tongue.

No one could replace you.

Michael, the woman's a dynamo. And one
day she dusted all the rooms, cleaned

floors, and washed the windows.

And I had Dick and Joanna convinced it
takes a month to do all that.

Oh, Steph, relax. I think I know Dick
and Joanna pretty well.

And they'll never dump my dumpling.

Michael, today in the dining room, the
guests applauded Sylvia.

Your history, Steph.

Oh, Michael.

Think of it. My cupcake being replaced
by a crumpet.

Oh, dearie, I thought you might like a
nice cup of tea. Oh, and I finished your

shirt, sir.

But, Steph, my colors never look so
vibrant.

Now, look, miss, you drink your tea.

At home, I really used to look forward
to tea time.

At home?

That's way over in England, right?

London.

Oh, London's wonderful.

Don't you miss the Queen?

Well, when I was there, we didn't get to
see a lot of each other.

But what about Buckingham Palace, Big
Ben, the pub?

Had me down.

Shopping at Harrah's while stupid
tourists are in Westminster Abbey

dead people.

The British Museum had lost its charm.

Well, actually, I don't miss London all
that much.

Not even your mum?

Oh, me mum, mum.

Oh, yeah, well, it would be nice to see
that bright chipper smile again.

Emma's for the many things she gave me.

You know, I haven't seen her in six
years.

She keeps writing, you know, wishing I'd
visit.

Oh, as for the other time, she tried...
Oh, Michael, stop, stop, stop. I can't

do it.

Look, Sylvia, stay here and work and
save your money and bring your dear

over and show her this date.

That is a wonderful idea, Stephanie.

Oh, thank you.

Now you finish your tea.

Head off.

Steph, what gives? We had her. The
British were going. The British were

I just couldn't do it, Michael. She
doesn't play fair.

She's nice.

Well, Steph, she may have you in that
department, but you've got her in the...

No, she's got you in that department,
too.

Michael, do you think I could be a good
maid?

You mean one that actually does work?

Yes. I mean, if I really, really, really
tried.

Do you want me to say yes, Steph?

Oh, yes.

I'll show them.

I'll clean and I'll scrub and I'll make
this place shine like never before.

That's my little hazel.

Out of my way, Michael.

Oh, my God.

I'm fighting to keep a job I hate.

I'm feeling much better and I'm going to
make this room sparkle like never

before.

What?

Well, Tiffany, that's nice of you, but I
don't think this or any room needs to

be cleaned.

That's because you don't have the eye of
a professional like me.

Trust me, Joanna, there's work to be
done here.

Well, go ahead.

The woman's dick.

I

don't need your

charity.

Stephanie, we're not firing you.

We hired Sylvia as a temporary
replacement. And when you're ready to

work, then Sylvia and most of this shine
will leave.

Really? Really.

Oh.

Well, if I'm not as good as her, why are
you keeping me?

keeping you because you're our regular
housekeeper.

Oh.

Well, I don't want you to keep me out of
pity, are you?

Uh, hi.

Stephanie, we would never keep you out
of pity.

This is a family inn and you're part of
our family.

You mean I'm sort of like a daughter?

Sort of.

And so you love me?

You're sort of like a daughter.

Oh, Dick.

Joanna.

That's one of the nicest things anybody
ever said to me.

You've made me very happy.

What just happened here?

I think we just got rid of a great maid
and adopted Stephanie.

Dick, you should hold on to the railing.

George, once and for all, you can't
spend your entire life worrying about an

accident that might happen.

You're making my life longer, but I'm
hating it.

All right, Dick.

I'll do it for you.

From now on, I'm just going to live my
life and hope everything will be fine.

What was that?

The antlers fell and almost killed me.

You nut.

Well,

I'm on my way, folks.

Oh, could I rehang that for you?

No, I'd better get used to my old way of
life.

Oh, it is good to see you all well
again, ma 'am. I want to thank you for

so nice to me, Sylvia.

Oh, that's my pleasure, ma 'am.

Would you like me to show you a trick to
get that shiny?

No. We're sorry to see you go, but I'm
sure you'll find other work soon.

You being perfect and all.

Thank you, Seth.

Well, goodbye.

You know, we still have her phone
number.