All language subtitles for Newhart s05e10 Sweet and Sour Charity

Oh, hi.

Is room fixed available?

That's my favorite.

Oh, you've been to the Stratford before?

Oh, you bet.

The old place still looks the way it did
the last time I was here.

When was that?

1775.

We've had those two chairs reupholstered
since then.

It works?

Jonathan Curtis.

This light.

Jonathan Curtis.

Dick, Dick Loudon, that would be this
life, too.

You know, the last time I was here, I
was a scared young fur trapper named

Patrick Todd on my way to join General
Washington's militia. Well, I can't tell

you how many times this innkeeper has
heard that story.

Oh, George, would you show Mr.

Curtis to his room?

Sure. Oh, you're in the John Hancock
room.

You named a room after him after he
stole all those towels?

He did? Well, I guess my history teacher
was covering that up.

Dick, do you really think we should have
let that guy check in?

Honey, I'm not going to discriminate
against a man because of race, creed, or

number of lives.

Good morning, Dick.

Jim, Chester.

Dick, as mayor, I've selected you to do
a big favor for the town. It's a great

honor. Especially for a newcomer.

A newcomer, John, and I have lived here
for five years.

We know, but we're still willing to take
the risk.

Dick, the town library is suffering from
a serious book shortage. Everyone's

already read the ones we got.

And to make matters worse, some
scofflaws haven't been returning their

books.

Oh, that reminds me.

They're meaning to return those.

So that's what happened to the fiction
wing.

irresponsible, but with your advertising
background and all, I think you're the

man to be in charge of getting more
books for the library.

You mean a book drive?

Wow, he's already come up with a
catchphrase.

So you'll do it, Dick?

I'd be honored.

I guess all this unpacking and settling
in is just going to have to wait.

How's it going with the book drive?

Oh, pretty good. It was...

It would help if I had someone to bounce
ideas off of like I did in my ad agency

days.

Honey, would you stick around for a
while?

That sounds like fun.

Okay.

Raising money to buy books. Book drive,
book drive, book drive.

What about an auction?

Honey, you're the bouncy.

I'm the bouncer.

Sorry. Now, where was I?

Book drive.

Book drive.

Book drive.

Right. Book drive.

Raising money to buy books.

Buying books. Borrowing books. Adopting
books. Adopt a book. Adopt a book!

That's it, Joanna. You're in crap.

What's adopt a book?

Honey, you were there.

We make a list of books we want, and
then people put up the money to adopt.

A book with a library.

Oh, that's really cute.

We'll make posters. I see Hemingway Poe
Shakespeare in baby bonnets saying,

adopt me, adopt me.

Oh, this is great. It's starting to
write itself.

Yeah, all you have to do is get a couple
of backup ideas and you're all set.

Backup ideas.

Joanna, when you've been in the ad game
as long as I have, you can smell a

winner.

Adopt a book.

Take a whiff.

As most of you know, the library has
been suffering from a marked shortage of

volumes. Yeah, does anybody know who
gutted the fiction wing?

I'm proud to announce that because of
his advertising background, we've asked

Dick Loudon to help us solve the
problem.

Excuse me, but should we be giving so
much responsibility to such a blatant

newcomer?

Harley, the Loudons have been here
longer than you.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my
other brother Daryl.

We realize when this town wants to know
what's acceptable and what ain't, it

takes its cue from us.

And we're giving him thumbs up.

Thanks, sir.

Sure, he has his quirks.

But with adequate supervision, we think
he'll do a fine job.

Well, with that vote of confidence, here
he is, Dick Loudon.

Thank you. Wow.

Look at that easel.

And a special thanks to George Utley for
making this easel.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea
that is going to get the library so many

books that someone is going to actually
have to alphabetize the card catalog.

Wow.

How are we going to get all these
wonderful works of literature?

Where is the money coming from?

Three magic words.

Adopt a book.

How does it work?

As simple as its title.

A person picks out the book.

Of his choice. In return, his name is
engraved on the jacket alongside the

of one of these gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
Adopt a book.

What else you got, Dick?

Trust me, people won't be able to resist
this idea.

Who are those ugly babies?

All right, forget the poster. The adopt
-a -book idea is a winner.

Boy, a guy blows into town, says he's
been in advertising, and we believe him.

All right, I'd like to rescind our
previous endorsement.

Now, now, Dick's a professional. I'm
sure he wouldn't come in here without

backup ideas.

Go ahead, Dick.

You know, I have some, but I don't have
any that were really

thought through carefully.

Honey? Honey?

What about the auction idea?

Honey, nobody's going to get excited
about an auction.

Auction? Hey, that's a great idea!

Yeah.

Actually, the auction was Joanna's idea.

It's great.

No babies with beards.

Let's hear it for Joanna.

Well, if you liked it here so much the
first time, why did you wait 200 years

come back?

Actually, I tried once about 50 years
ago when I was a grasshopper.

that porch before some kid caught me in
a mayonnaise jar and the little beggar

forgot to punch holes in the lid.

That wasn't me. I always punched holes.

Don't mind me. Just here for the meeting
to plan the big auction.

Just talk among yourselves.

Anyway, George, being a bug is always
the worst.

It's right at the happy ending, though.

A couple of days later, I came back as a
housefly.

I figure, what the hell? I'm looking at
a two -day lifespan tops.

So that morning, I dive -bombed the
little beggar's cornflakes.

Yeah, revenge is sweet.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

What can you tell me about the male cock
schmoozing with your handyman?

He's some dead guy who checked in
yesterday.

I had a hunch.

All I can say is I would only come back
as myself.

I'm sorry, George.

You can't do that.

Well, then you can just forget it.

Officer Shifflett, welcome to our town.

Where are you from, stranger?

Oh, here and there.

Now and then.

I'll be watching you.

Well, things were all here.

Start the meeting.

Let the record show I was here first.

Since we're having an auction, my guess
is we're going to need an auctioneer.

I hired one from the Boston Guild, and
he comes with his own gavel. Wow, she's

good.

Oh, boy.

Dick's here.

Don't mind me. I'm just getting a cup of
coffee.

Honey, are you sure you won't stay? We
could really use your help. Honey, the

auction was your idea.

Besides, what could I add? People bid,
people buy.

Well, I made a lot of calls today, and
everybody wants to give something.

And get this.

Ted down at NOAC Antiques has agreed to
donate a whole bunch of stuff.

Well, that's terrific.

Then all we have to do is decide where
to have the auction.

Geez. It's too late in the year to have
it outside.

Why don't we try the library?

There's plenty of room.

There's no books there.

I checked, but Mrs. Terrell said the
auctioneer would have to whisper.

Excuse me, guys. I don't mean to
interrupt, but the reason I couldn't get

this auction thing was I had a feeling
you were going to run into big problems.

I have a new idea that doesn't have any
location snagged.

What is it, Dick?

Picture this.

We have a booth in town where people buy
books for the library directly.

Maybe a donor's card on the cover with
the donor's name.

I call it Foster Books.

Boy, talk about beating a dead horse.

Okay, but good luck on finding a place
where the town can have an auction.

Hey, what about the town hall?

That, uh, that could work.

Thanks for your help, honey.

I think the town hall is the perfect
place to have it. Why not?

Do you

believe this

turnout? It's everything we hoped for.

And more.

Oh, hi, Joanne. Can you believe all
this?

It just goes to show you how this town
gets behind a really great idea.

Oh, hi, Dick.

Joanna, the auctioneer is really anxious
to meet the lady who put this all

together. Oh, honey, I'll be right back.

Gee, Dick, it took a lot of guts for you
to show up at Joanna's auction.

She make you come?

JJ, I don't expect you to understand
this, but I'm hoping it'll be just as

success as everyone else.

Sure, Dick.

I'd like to run that smile through a
polygraph.

Honey, this is James Reeves, the
auctioneer from the Boston Guild. This

husband, Dick.

So everybody tells me you're an
auctioneer.

Yeah, who are you going to believe, me
or everybody?

Okay, people.

Let's start the auction and the bidding.

Our first item is contributed by Miss
Stephanie Vanderkellen. A strand of gold

appraised as priceless.

Thank you.

It's hair.

Five dollars.

I have five dollars.

Michael, bid now.

A cupcake? I already have enough of your
locks at home to weave a car cover.

Michael, do you want my hair in another
man's pillow?

Ten dollars.

Fifteen. Twenty.

Twenty -five dollars.

To you, sir.

Fifty dollars.

I have fifty dollars.

Will anybody make it sixteen?

Sold to the gentleman for fifty dollars.

Oh, Dick, fifty dollars.

Must be a new hair record.

Steph, you didn't donate anything else,
did you?

Michael, even my generosity has its
limit.

Our next item is a clock radio, donated
by Chester and Dora Wanamaker. Why don't

we start the bidding at $30?

Do I hear $30?

Hey, Chester, isn't that the one you
said was always shorting out on you?

Okay, do I hear $20?

$20, $20, $20, $20, $20. I'll give you
50 cents for it.

What are you going to do with a busted
radio?

When you're unemployed with nothing to
do, smashing things kind of fills the

time.

Sold for 50 cents.

Our next item, donated by Dewey Leahy,
is an all -shook -up salt and pepper set

commemorating the death of Elvis
Presley.

Well, let's start the bidding at $20.

Say, Dewey, did you ever get the nose
back on the pepper one?

It's breakable. I'll give you 50 cents
for it.

Close again for 50 cents.

Dick, tell me it's going to get better.

You've just had two bad items in a row,
that's all.

Our next item is donated by Larry,
Daryl, and Daryl.

A critter du jour dinner for three at
the Minute Man Cafe.

I dare anyone to find anything wrong
with that.

I don't know the Minuteman Cafe, but I'm
sure it's one of the finer restaurants

in Vermont.

Why don't we open the bidding at $20? Do
I get $20?

$20 bid down.

$20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20 bid, $20
bid, $20 bid, $20 bid down.

Ten. Who will give me ten? Who will give
me ten?

I'll take the first $1 bid.

$1 bid, $1 bid, $1 bid down. Come on,
Daryl. Let's get on home so we can take

this insult line down.

Oh, feelings are being heard.

I want to be nice. Michael Bidds.

One dollar.

Boom. Finally.

You and Miss Stephanie are in for a
treat.

Beryl, you best be checking the
interstate to find out just what that

the day is.

Why don't we just skip ahead to the big
undamaged items?

Donated by Noah's Antiques, we have a
collection of toys dated between 1750

1770 and highlighted by this snow sled.

Appraised at $3 ,000.

Thank God for the horse. I'll open the
bidding at $1 ,000. $21 ,000. $1 ,000.

,000. My sled!

And Harry the horse.

And my skates.

Drop that toy or you're a dead man, dead
man.

These toys are mine. My father made them
for me when I was a little boy.

Wow, some antiques. That sled must be
all of 20 years old.

Oh, everybody, wait, please.

Please come back. It's all right.
They're real antiques.

He's reincarnated.

I'll give you 50 cents for it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Loudon, but I could lose
my license for presiding over a sham

auction. God only knows if the Elvis
Shakers will legit.

We don't even have an auctioneer. Oh,
dear.

The next item up for bid? Dick, the
auction's over.

The auction isn't over until the fat
lady is sold.

Our next item is this cookie jar, and
we'll start the bidding at $1.

Do I, do I, do I hear $1?

Could you speed it up, Dick? We're
dozing off here.

$1, $1, $1, $1, $1, Dick.

$1, $1, $1, $1, $1, $1, Dick.

Do I, do I hear $2?

Harley had Mrs. Peterson's soul on this
waffle iron. When she made a sharp turn,

I rolled off the hood.

Okay, Dick, let's hear it.

Aren't you going to say I told you so?

Maybe not.

It was a total disaster.

It wasn't a total disaster.

Harley had the fever. I had to lend him
50 cents.

What good can $347 do for a library?

If only Stephanie had donated more hair.

Would it help if I did $20 on waffle
iron?

Oh, honey.

You are so sweet.

Probably the world's worst auctioneer,
but darn sweet.

Especially since a part of you wanted
this auction to fail.

That's not true.

Well, you know, maybe a tiny part.

But I didn't want it to be a complete
failure.

I just didn't want it to be, you know, a
rousing success.

Well, I wish we could have raised a few
thousand for the library. We just let

the town down, Dick.

There they are.

So, okay, honey, I don't smell any tar.

Listen, everyone, I want to apologize
for letting you all down.

What do you mean, apologize? Didn't you
hear? We raised $347.

Yeah, a Newtown fundraising record.

That's the record?

It's the first time we cracked that
elusive three -figure barrier.

With the library discount, we should be
able to add about 70 new books.

And based on this rousing success,
you're no longer a newcomer.

Joanna, you're a full -fledged member of
the town.

Well, thank you.

What about Dick?

Any more ideas, Dick?

Welcome to our town.

Meow.