All language subtitles for Newhart s05e05 Desperately Desiring Susan 1

Guess what?

The new Norma Kamali line is out.

Oh, Steph, you know I hate it when you
guess better than it is.

Guess again.

Henderson's is having a moo -moo sale.

No, better.

Yours truly has been chosen to put
together a major project.

The WPIV five -year anniversary special.
Can you believe it?

It's a three -hour extravaganza filled
with, well, whatever I decide to fill it

with. I get my own staff and everything.

Well?

How exciting. Exciting.

What does this mean to me?

Well, it means we're both happy for your
guy.

Michael, every time you say project, it
means take a back seat, Steph.

Untrue. Unfair, Steph. You know my life
is a two -seater.

Just you and me.

Oh, yeah. The last project you worked on
forced me to go dateless for longer

than I had since I was five.

I had to spend a lot of time at the
station. They were trying to unionize.

a lot of effort to squash one of those
things.

But this special is a different animal
altogether.

Then this stupid lucky break won't
interfere with my fun?

Cross my heart, may I chip a front
tooth.

Our relationship won't suffer a smidge.
Now, what say you and I celebrate?

Dick, I'm done.

Hi, Dick. What's with the dimples?

I'm just, uh, glad to see that Bev took
my advice and decided to do an

anniversary special. You mean the
extravaganza was your idea? Just

Well, sounds like this guy owes you a
big thank you. Dick, it's on my to -do

list.

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother,
Daryl. And this is my other brother,

And this is our card.

Your... your card?

We regret to announce...

We had to discontinue our popular
enterprise, anything for a buck.

Due to the ravages of inflation, we had
to go in an entirely new direction.

Anything for a buck ten.

We'd appreciate it if you'd spread the
word.

Try and stop me.

Could I get that back? We only have the
one.

Those buck tens haven't started rolling
in yet.

Michael,

could we talk for a minute? Oh, could
you make it quick, Dick? I'm editing

golden moments from the Mr. Sing With Me
hour.

There are so many.

I'm trying to find a segue from Row,
Row, Row Your Boat to Michael, Row Your

Boat Ashore.

Sounds like you got a long night ahead
of you.

So, what's up?

Michael, I just felt we should discuss
what my part on the anniversary special

is going to be. Oh, no problem, Dick.

You won't be in the special.

What? Well, Dick, it's not that we don't
love you. It's just that we have this

pesky time problem.

The special's only three hours long.

Michael, we had some brilliant Vermont
today. It's one of the station's major

shows. Dick, no one knows that better
than I do. It's just not visual enough.

Well, it's certainly not as visual as a
cartoon ball bouncing over the words,

life is but a dream.

Exactly. I'm glad you grasped it so
quickly.

I'd love to talk more, but J .J.'s on
his way up here with my new staff. I've

got assignments to give out, you know,
names to learn. The whole anniversary

show was my idea. Hold that thought,
then.

Staff is starting to arrive. The first
introductions are really important. They

set the tone for the entire
relationship.

Michael, meet Susan Polgar.

Nice to meet you.

What are you, my secretary, my runner?

My editor?

Yes.

You mean she's the whole staff?

If it helps, I have been called a
dynamo. Michael, if you're through

names... Wait, Dick, I've already
suffered a major disappointment, and I'm

trying not to cry.

Michael, I'm going to find some Vermont
to take clips for the anniversary show.

Gee, I thought we decided to stay away
from those static talking head things.

Lunchtime?

AJ?

Well, gee, I don't know whether to have
you make coffee or a low -level

decision.

I'm sorry that our meeting was spoiled
by me being it.

But just think that when this show is a
great success, everyone will say, and he

did it without a decent staff.

That's true.

Okay, then, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

You know...

I've seen some of your shows, and
compared to a lot of local television,

really impressive.

Really? And I'm not just sucking up. I
mean, I thought that spin -off you tried

to do with Pearl's Kitchen... You mean
Pearl's Pies?

Yeah. I thought that was a bit one
-noted.

Wow. You're not a sucker.

Not that that's something I necessarily
frown on.

Well, I hate to crack the whip, but I'm,
uh...

I'm in the midst of one hell of a tough
edit here.

Well,

what

do you think?

Do you want me to be honest, or is this
one of those times I should suck up?

Stephanie, I know you're mad at Michael
because this project is taking up so

much of his time and he's had to break
every date.

But people come here for a restful
vacation.

No one wants to spend it cowering in a
corner because of an irate maid, right,

George? Yeah.

Uh, right.

All right.

Try to control it.

Why should my misery prevent other
people from having the time of their

Atta girl.

I'm going to the kitchen now, George.

You're the room monitor.

Okay, as long as I don't catch an eraser
in the back of the head.

Sam! Michael, I want to see some
groveling and I want to see it now.

Cupcake, I'm sorry I've been working so
much. I'm scum on low life. I'm a snail

trail.

That's it?

Michael, not only have I not seen... you
all week, but the one time I got

through to you on the phone, you put me
on hold.

Michael, I had a self -doubt.

Oh, Steph, I'm the thing that eats a
snail's trail.

Don't be mad. I'm here now. I made a
special effort just to come see you.

but I can't help but notice you're still
standing.

Oh, Michael, I'm such a softie.

Ah, Michael.

You said you'd be here an hour ago.

A special effort just to see me, huh?

Any chance of a reprieve if I do that
head thing again?

You've got your heart. This project
wouldn't affect us, and it has.

Cupcake, I'm sorry. If you're going to
blame anyone, blame Dick. This whole

anniversary special was his idea.

Sorry to make you take a number, Dick.
Well, what's up?

Michael, did you see the list of Vermont
State clips I put together?

I did, Dick. It perfectly illustrates my
point that the show is visual death.

Visual death? Dick, Dick, Dick, lower
those clenched dukes.

I think I've solved our problem. We can
shoot some new footage and claim they

were old Vermont State clips.

No one will know the difference because
not that many people watch anyway.

Michael? Dick, I'm glad you're smart,
but me first.

How's this for visual? You.

In a bolero shirt, limboing.

No. All right, you're thinking
intellectual.

I can go with that.

You're interviewing a beekeeper, and the
glass breaks.

You're swatting. You're screaming. I'm
excited.

I'm not mammoing under a stick. I'm not
working with insects, and I'm not

shooting any new footage.

All right, all right, Dick. I'll do what
I can with what we've got.

I'm going to put you into the show
because you're my friend. I care about

You're pulling this incredible star trip
on me.

Hey, I believe you've seen our card.

Yeah, yeah, Larry.

I thought I asked you guys not to come
to the dining room during meals.

It's kind of urgent.

Daryl here is so perturbed, he's been up
all night counting sheep.

It took us an hour this morning to find
which meadow he was in.

What's wrong?

We have a bone to pick with him.

Good. Someone else for once.

What's the matter, guys?

It appears you've been taking the taters
right out of our mouths.

Seems like I would remember that.

Did you or did you not help Dewey
Crenshaw find his pet black snake?

Oh, yeah.

Aha, you admit it.

Now, Daryl, in that same time period,
how many jobs has anything for a buck

racked up?

See?

One to zip.

It just don't seem fair you snatching a
job that we're eligible for, especially

a snake one.

That wasn't a job.

I did that as a favor for free. Free?
You didn't charge anything?

No.

Looks like we have some serious mulling
to do.

I don't know how we're going to compete
with those prices.

Not and still make a profit.

All right, it works.

It's great.

You realize what this means.

What's that?

We've finished the first half.

We have, haven't we?

Shouldn't we be celebrating or
something?

Susan, these are the kinds of moments we
professionals take in stride.

Of course, when you work all night, you
lose some of that professionalism.

It's okay.

You should get excited more often. You
look real cute disheveled.

It's my new styling gel.

It lets you run the gamut from blow -dry
to messy and still look groomed.

I have a way to fill it. Of course, it's
not as professional as yours, but...

Ta -da!

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Whoa, you read my palate.

You made these all by yourself, just for
me?

Well, I was sort of hoping I could have
just one.

Thank you.

And you... You cut off the crusts.

Wait a minute.

I just got a... A toast.

Oh, Michael, please, no more
compliments. Please, I hate that. To

one assistant.

As good as a staff of five.

Really, Susan, you've been amazing.

Oh, go on, Michael. I just want to say
one more thing, then I'll shut up.

I was planning to grab credit for this
whole anniversary special.

But since you've worked so hard, when I
do, I'm going to feel a little guilty.

You know, I used to eat a ton of these
sandwiches watching television.

Now I'm eating one and working in
television.

I'm in a rut.

All I did when I was a kid was watch TV.

What was your favorite show?

When I was nine years old, nothing could
touch Gilligan's Island.

You're kidding.

I love those wacky castaways.

I won a neighborhood contest once for
the best skipper imitation.

Oh, do it.

Hey. little buddy.

Great.

Oh, who do you think the professor liked
best?

Marianne or Ginger?

Well, Ginger had all those great gowns.

But I used to love when Marianne would
get on that bike and make electricity.

Okay. What was your favorite series?

Well...

I used to imagine I was part of the
Partridge family, and I had brothers and

sisters, and we all sang.

When they canceled that show, they...
They canceled my family.

Oh, Michael.

Don't worry. When you run a network, you
can bring them back.

I could, couldn't I?

Look at the time.

You realize we've been in this room for
14 hours straight?

We should get home, get some sleep.

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, remember, we're half done.

See you tomorrow, Fiz. Thanks again for
the sandwiches.

Oh, you're welcome.

Night. Good night.

No one's dead.

I don't know what... I mean, uh... Half
the show.

Half done. Half done, half done, half
done.

She brought me peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, for goodness sake. I just...

We talked.

She loves television. I love television,
so I spilled my life.

She was nice to me, and that threw me.

I mean, Joanna was probably nice to you,
and good Lord, look what's happened to

you two. You're laying here all married.
Oh, no.

Wait a minute.

Michael, it was just a kiss.

And a kiss is just... Yes.

You love Stephanie? I do.

I do.

It was just the emotion of the moment.
Yes. Just keep picturing Steph in that

pink sweater.

Yes. That's it.

I feel better.

Steph in pink Angora. Yeah.

Okay. Steph in pink Angora. Steph in
pink Angora.

I told you we should have bought a gun.

in case you need to know the rules,
don't ever come into my bedroom again.

I'm sorry, Dick. I was temporarily out
of my head. You know, I was tired.

Something happened and I blew it all out
of proportion.

But I had a good night's sleep, a swell
shower, and I'm back to my normal self.

Don't ever come into my bedroom.

Thanks for your concern. I'm fine, Dick.

Want to go steady?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Excuse me.

The swell shower.

No problem.

Everything is fine.

And then... Hi. And boom!

Firework! My heart's a puddle. My soul's
dancing.

It's not fair. I don't want her. I mean,
I want her. I just don't want to want

her. Oh, dear.

It's just too fast.

I know. I just haven't seen Stefano.
That's it.

I'll go by, I'll see that cute little
button nose, and I'll be all right.

okay. I just hope to God she's wearing
that pink sweater.

marketing scheme has succeeded.

How can we compete when you've undercut
anything for a buck ten by a buck ten?

Gee, sorry, guys.

We even devised our own marketing
scheme.

We tried to beat you to the customers by
anticipating their needs even before

they knew what they were.

Oh, my God.

Yep. We started the morning anticipating
Miss Huffman would need a home

permanent.

It might have worked out if Daryl hadn't
anticipated her needing a bikini wax as

well.

Just so you boys know, I don't need
anything.

Ever.

We couldn't have helped her anyway.

To avoid prosecution, we made a deal
with Miss Huffman.

That we'd give up our new strategy.

Of course, without that going for us,
we're screwed.

Another small business crushed under the
heel of a well -meaning handyman.

Guys, wait.

I didn't mean to crush you under my
heel.

I was just doing favors for some
friends.

Like today, I picked up Miss Vivian's
groceries.

And then I fixed Mr.

Denim's ladder.

That's it?

You seem to be specializing in the
mundane.

I guess that snake job was just a fluke.

Yeah.

And if I hear of a job that sounds more
suited for you than me, I'll let you

know. Come to think of it, Miss Vivian
has rats.

Does she want them?

No.

Thanks for the tip.

Come on, Daryl. Let's get our fives and
the sheet music from Pierre Gant.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad to see that sweater.

And you.

Michael, would you like a comb and some
time to yourself?

I had a few spare moments, so I dashed
right over to see you.

Oh, what a nice, albeit tiny, gesture.

I know you're still mad at me, and you
have every right to be. I had no

ignoring you and working so long. It was
wrong and dangerous.

And I'm never going to do it again. I'll
quit the project.

Really? Really, just forgive me, please.

Well, I don't know if I can forgive you,
but I'll be less mad.

That's my muffin.

I've got an idea. Since we haven't seen
each other in a while, let's talk.

Talk?

Well, okay, if we don't do it for very
long.

So how are you, Stephanie, really?

Still a bit grumpy.

But it's nothing that dinner and a drive
can't cure.

No, I mean, how's your life?

Michael, I work as a maid for people who
expect me to act like a maid.

And? And that's icky.

Look, I'm not much of a chatter.

You know that. So why don't we do
something instead, like have fun?

Could we cuddle a little? Sure.

Beard stubble.

Sorry. Didn't you run the electric razor
on the way over?

The cigarette lighter isn't working.

You have broken stuff in your car?

Sorry.

Steph, do you like peanut butter and
jelly?

Ew.

Michael, I don't understand this. Why
are we sitting here doing this boring

talking stuff?

But we never talk.

That's not true.

We discuss where to go for dinner and
how nice I look.

And whether you look better in navy or
forest. We talk tons.

Now let's go. Steph, did you ever want
the professor and Marianne to get

together?

Aren't they other people?

Steph, I'm afraid we have a terrible
problem.

I want it very thick.

I have something stuck in my teeth.

No, it's a different kind of problem. I
want to date another woman.

Oh, that's an easy problem. No, no, no.

Well, either I date her or I keep making
out with her at the office.

I'm sorry, Steph. I didn't mean for it
to happen. My lips went and I just

followed.

Sorry, I just like her so darn much.

I can't.