All language subtitles for Newhart s04e20 Dwight Schmidlapp Is Not a Quitter

Honey, can I see a blast from the past?

Candlelit Perfect.

Oh, Dick, I haven't seen this in 15
years.

No, I just wrote it.

This is the blast from the past.

Written by Dwight Schmidlap. Oh.

I don't get it, Dick.

Oh, that was the pen name Dick used when
he was writing his first book.

So that's your first book.

Oh.

No, no, I just wrote this.

See, George, 15 years ago, when Dick was
still working at the ad agency, he used

to put Dwight Schmidlapp on his
manuscript so no one would know he was

on the side.

So it took you 15 years to write that?

No, I just wrote this, George.

Look, see, I put Dwight Schmidlapp on it
because I thought Barney, my publisher,

would get a kick out of seeing the name
again.

Oh.

I hope he gets the kick out of it. I
did, Dick.

Oh, my.

Isn't this a beautiful place?

Thank you. We're very proud of you. What
are your rates?

A room for three is $50 a night. Really?
Does that include the reduced rates for

children? That's only for kids under
five.

Brian, tell these nice people how old
you're going to be next month.

Five.

Maybe little Brian would like to tell us
what year he was born.

About five years ago.

On the button.

Preschool's really paying off.

Well, with the toddler rate, that would
be $45.

And don't you knock off a few bucks for
repeat customers?

We've never seen you before. Yeah, but
we're coming back next year.

Forty -five dollars.

We'll take it.

George, could you help with the bag?

Sure.

Oh, uh, is it customary to tip the help
of this country in?

Yes, it is. No, no, no, no. Get away
from those.

Good morning, honey.

They rejected my book.

Barney Halpin would never do that.
Barney never saw it.

Somebody didn't recognize the name
Schmidlapp and gave it to some kid

editor still in diapers who mistook it
for Doody.

Good work for a beginner.

Shows some promise that someday might
just publish something. That's very

encouraging, Dick.

George, I'm a professional writer. I've
been publishing books for 15 years.

Whoa. Then he really lays into you,
doesn't he?

Ooh, Dick, reject it. That's so awful.
Did I get any mail?

Dick, why don't you just put your real
name on the manuscript, send it to

Barney, and he'll publish it. No, no,
this is the last in a long series of

-ups. The company has gotten too big.
Remember last year when they stopped

sending me my royalty checks because
they said their records indicated that I

was dead?

Well, they did send a beautiful wreath.

Yeah, in loving memory of Dink Loudon.

This is the last straw.

What are you going to do?

Me? Nothing. But Dwight Smidlap is going
to publish his book with another firm.

Maybe Barney will wake up.

Come on, Dwight, I'll teach you the
tricks of the writing game.

Thanks, Mr. Love. Thanks.

Mail call for Dwight Schmidlove.

Yo. Look at this.

Three responses from publishers.

Oh, fantastic.

And the answer is... We're buying your
book.

We're buying...

What does it not say in this letter?

They rejected it?

Honey, don't worry. There's always one
or two publishers out there.

Don't know what they're doing.

And there's the other one.

Dick, forget those.

Listen to this.

Dear Mr. Schmidlap, we at Royce Books
admire your writing.

We would be honored to place your book
on our list of published works.

Finally, a company with taste.

Please remit $2 ,000 and be the first
one on your block to have your name

on an actual published book.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Hi, all. What's up? Trub's in paradise?

Dick had a book rejected.

What was it, Dick? Three or four times.

spectacles, folks. This isn't addressed
to Dick. It's addressed to this poor

schlub, Schmidlaff.

Must be a real goon to have a how -to
book rejected.

Schmidlaff is my pen name.

Really?

How'd you go about choosing that name?

It's too late to get out of this, isn't
it, Dick?

Dick, just submit the book with your own
name and it'll sell immediately.

Is this true, Dick? Of course it is.

You have achieved something most
Americans only dream of.

What, massive rejection?

No, you have arrived.

You can put your name on any piece of
crud, and it'll sell.

You don't have to strive for quality
anymore.

I envy you, compadre. You can coast.

I'm not coasting. This book is as good
as anything I've ever written. There's

writing in here I would stack up against
Hemingway or Proust.

Well, you know, maybe not this sentence.

Actually, Proust might have me on the
whole paragraph.

How could I let this get by?

Nick, you've been in here three hours.
Honey, honey, watch out. You're stepping

on chapter five.

Actually, go ahead.

Honey, what are you doing?

I found a couple weak spots in the book.

A couple?

Yeah, the first half.

And the second half.

Use high -grade paneling only.

Only.

Use high -grade... Use only

high -grade paneling.

God, there's no way to say this.

Dick, you're not taking those rejections
seriously.

Honey, Michael was right. I've been
coasting on my name for God knows how

I mean, four respected professionals
look at my work without knowing it's

and they all come to the same unbiased
opinion.

Duck swamp water.

Now, come on, Dick. Only one of them
actually used those words.

Don't you understand, honey? I'm a
writer. That's all I've ever wanted to

take words and string them like pearls
into a giant

necklace of communication.

God, I stink at this.

Kicks off the 14th. That's a one -in -a
-million shot.

Tell that to the eight ball.

You win.

Again.

Looks like I owe you another drink.

Don't feel too bad. You only made one
mistake.

You played me.

Hey.

A woman.

How'd you find me?

You were feeling down in the dumps, so I
checked all the dumps.

You're a looker, huh?

Figured you'd belong to Schmidlap.

Schmidlap? Joanna, give me a break.

In the publishing world, Schmidlap is
dog meat.

Here, I'm king of all I survey.

Is this what you've been doing the last
four days? Shooting pool?

There's a lot more to do than that. I've
been, uh...

Hoisting a few.

Eating pickled eggs.

Swapping stories.

So this must be Rosalita, huh?

See?

Rosalita, I'd like you to meet my pal,
Mr. Snake and Wild Mel.

Here you go, Dwight.

Your usual.

Why can't I use this?

What's with that limeade anyway?

My doctor said give up that quarter
tequila every day or kiss your liver

goodbye. Maybe I'll try one of them
limeades.

Dick, I've read your book again. It's
wonderful.

It's your shot, Dwight. Excuse me, I
gotta fill some pockets.

Oh, a behind -the -back shot.

He knows a hundred ways to humiliate us.

A hundred and one.

Where did you learn to play pool like
that?

Barcelona.

And you taught me.

We have to talk.

Not now, Rosalita.

Dick, talk to me or I tell Nick and Wild
Mel that you are the author of Making

Money Raising Bunny.

Dwight's letting you use his cue.

Dick, what would it take to convince you
that you haven't lost your talent?

For a panel at Perfect to sell without
the name Dick Loudon?

And win the Pulitzer Prize?

And be made into a movie starring Meryl
Streep?

Let's face it, honey. Dwight's been
rejected by everybody in the business.

Not everybody. Four junior editors. And
who says they know... what they're

talking about.

Didn't the critics say Oklahoma would
only run a week?

Didn't a movie talent scout say about
Fred Astaire, bald, can't act, can dance

little?

Well, yeah.

And didn't a young writer named Loudon
get rejected by 14 publishers before he

finally broke in?

Yeah, but I was different then. I was
young.

I was more ambitious.

I was named Dick.

And Dick wanted to write more than
anything else in his life.

And he wasn't a quitter.

But maybe Dwight Schmidlap is made of
different stuff.

Maybe he isn't the man Dick Loudon is.

You're going too far now.

Dwight may be a lot of things, but he's
not a quitter.

Fellas, I'm gathering moss.

It's time to roll.

Nice meeting you. But, Dwight, I thought
we were all going to Latin America to

be mercenaries.

I'll be with you in spirit.

It's not going to stop a lot of bullets.

Hi. How'd it go in New York?

Pretty good. I found some new
restaurants and finally got to see cats.

Dick, what about the book?

You know, it's interesting how
publishing houses react to persistence.

the... The phrase I heard most often
was, security is on its way.

Oh, Dick, nobody bought it?

Don't count Dwight out yet.

Did any mail come for him while I was
away? There is something from

and Sons. Oh, terrific.

I knew that gambit would pay off.

I thought I'd close it up for their
cleaning lady.

She promised she'd get my manuscript to
the head man.

Dear Mr. Midlap, sorry I no give book.

To Mr. Stockbridge.

I read and me no like.

Thank you. Everything was perfect.

Goodbye.

I hope you realize I did my best to make
your stay as pleasant as possible. And

I just want to know that you appreciate
all I've done.

You were fine.

Surely you can express that another way.

You were great.

Am I getting a tip or what?

Oh.

Well, uh... Let's see.

Two weeks.

Three people.

What the heck?

Mr. Van Cleve.

Do you want me to keep this whole dollar
for myself?

Or distribute it among all the help?

No, no, that's for everyone.

Wow.

This is more than I deserve.

I'll go outside and see if you have air
in your tires.

Stephanie!

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll get your bill.

Oh, don't bother. I've taken the liberty
of adding up the figures myself.

$98 for 14 days?

It should be over 600.

True, but we were actually in the room
only a few hours a day.

I mean, what are you doing?

Well, as long as I'm quitting writing, I
took some measurements in there, and

there's plenty of room for a jute box, a
pool table, and some lowlifes.

Dick, you can't quit writing. Oh, are
you a writer?

Not really. You can't be a writer if you
can't get published.

We know a publisher.

You do?

Yeah, he's my brother -in -law Jake's
best friend.

Here's where he works.

Just be sure to tell him Jake sent you.

Good old Jake.

Don't kid yourself.

He's a tightwad.

Now, if we can just settle this bill.

What's the problem?

The Van Cleves don't want to pay for the
time they weren't in the room.

We figured we owe you $98.

You got it.

What? Oh, wait a minute, honey. I don't
think that's right.

You know, little Brian only ate half his
breakfast this morning.

You know, they have a point of, let's
see, $98 minus

half a bowl of oatmeal, $23 .50.

I'll bet you didn't use all your towels.

Have a seat, Mr.

Schmidland. You know, this is supposed
to be my golf day, but since you're a

friend of Jake's...

Cigar? No, no, no thanks.

You sure? They're Cuban.

A courier of ours sneaks them in from
Europe every other week.

Customs never checks them.

Gee, that's lucky.

I once brought fruit in from Canada.

Boy, did I catch hell.

Anyway, the reason I came... Well, tell
me, how is Jake?

Jake, well... You know...

You know Jake.

Is he back in the country?

Yes.

Fantastic. Let's call him.

Oh, you mean this country? Yeah.

No, no, he's still over there.

How's little Mark?

She'll talk your ear off if you let her,
you know.

That's interesting.

Molly's his dog.

Talk, Mark. You know, we all come from
the same guy upstairs.

All right, all right. Who are you?

Look, I'm going to be completely honest
with you. I'm Dwight Smidlap.

Jake's brother -in -law gave me your
name. I have this manuscript.

Oh, no.

No, no. You don't lie your way in. here
and expect to get any attention from me.

Just submit that through channels.

But I've been through channels.

I mean, I've been rejected by junior
editors because they never heard of me.

I've even been rejected by a cleaning
lady because she read, but she no like.

Look, I really want to get to my golf
game.

How does a kid get a break in this
business?

Kid?

thinks he's a writer.

But I am. See what I mean?

No, I really am a writer. Read this.

You'd be hard put to tell any difference
between this and, say, the work of Dick

Loudon. Dick Loudon?

Not exactly shooting for the moon, are
you?

What's wrong with Dick Loudon? Oh,
nothing. I guess he's one of the best

writers around. I just don't happen to
care for those cutesy -poo jokes he

throws in.

You know, your fantasy bathroom doesn't
have to be a pipe dream.

Sorry, kid. Good luck with that
manuscript.

Someplace else.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yes, could I speak to your Cuban cigar
guy, please?

Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

You wouldn't. All I want you to do is
read it. Well, I won't. You say you

smuggle two cases of these a month,
right?

Okay, okay, okay, I'll read it.

Oh, Cuban cigar guy.

Yeah, I just called to say that...

You're doing a great job. I haven't seen
a Cuban cigar in years.

Okay, Steph.

The Van Cleves were here 14 days.

They should have tipped you $2 a day.

They left you $1, out of which you had
to give 50 cents to George.

Yes, Michael.

So, if I want to wipe that pout off your
face, that means... I owe you $27 .50.

If you want.

I just heard Dick's car.

Boy, I sure hope he found a publisher.

I'm almost afraid to ask. How did it go?

Well, it, uh...

Let me put it this way, Joanna.

Me sell book.

Meow.