Original subtitles

John, I just got off the phone and guess who sold one of his books to a major

video company to be the first in their series of how -to cassettes starring

local television personality who also just happens to be the author of that

book? Gee, Dick, you're going to have to give her more to go on than that.

They want you to make a how -to video? Honey, that's wonderful.

Boy, you two know each other so well, it's scary.

I mean, this is great. You know, it's a chance to stretch my creative muscles

and enter a new level of artistry. Which book are they doing?

So You Want to Be a Plumber.

Yeah, they're going to shoot a test scene next week at the WPIV.

They're coming to Vermont to shoot?

Yeah, well, they feel, you know, if I'm in a situation where I feel comfortable

and with people I know, that it'll be artistically cheaper.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

We would like to announce a grand opening.

Of what?

Of our new escort service.

We almost called it anything for a buck escort service, but Darryl thought we

ought to try something more romantic.

The Acme Escort Service.

How'd you guys come up with this idea?

Well, we was wondering how to raise the money to buy into a timeshare condo near

Epcot when Daryl realized what a valuable commodity we are in ourselves.

Yeah, you're right up there with pork bellies.

Thank you.

Daryl, tackle one of them little eye -catchers right there.

No!

You see, Larry, we have this pile of brochures, and when single women are

looking for something to do, oddly enough, the first place they tend to

right here.

Near the bottom?

Go figure, women.

Well, we better get back before them calls from affection star females start

flooding in.

This is Jerry Nurko, the head frijole of the how -to video.

Jerry, let me introduce you to our Cracker Jack crew. This is our prop man,

Not so formal.

Call me Bud.

Our director, JJ.

Nice to meet somebody from the big time.

I'm going to deliver you some first -class whack -a -da, whack -a -da, bing

-da, bong -a -da.

Boom!

Whoa, wavelength.

And here's our star.

Dick, ready to make video va -va -va -voom? Michael, I'm only going to change

wa -wa -wa -washer.

It's a simple 30 -second test tape. But, Dick... Change a washer.

Simple. Eloquent. I love it.

Thanks. It was my idea.

Places, everyone.

J .J., it's only me.

Fine.

Please, Dick.

Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's So You Want to Be a Plumber.

Of course, at today's prices, who doesn't?

All you need to be your own plumber is a little knowledge and the right tools.

Where are my tools?

Is this what you're looking for, Dick?

What are you doing here?

I'm your beautiful assistant.

This isn't a magic act. I don't need a beautiful assistant.

But, Dick, you know, this may be going a bit too far. My sentiment's exactly,

bad idea, Steph.

Michael!

Listen, puppy knees.

I think it's time for one of those compromises we've talked about.

Okay.

How about...

You get your way now, and I get my way about everything else for the next six

months.

Sounds fair.

And take Liberace's toolbox with you.

Fine, Dick.

While we're at it, why don't we get rid of some other annoying innovations, like

color and sound.

Ready?

Action. Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's So You Want to Be a Plumber.

And of course, at today's prices, who doesn't?

What's that?

Video cassette recorder.

So I can view all the cassettes I'm going to be making.

Dick, you wouldn't even get one of those for me when Gone with the Wind came

out. I wasn't in Gone with the Wind.

Well, I think it's just an expensive toy.

Frankly, my dear, a guy don't give a damn.

Excuse me. Can you recommend something for me to do this evening?

Oh, why don't you look through this pile of brochures, Miss Parkman?

Oh, an escort service. For God's sakes, don't.

There must be something else in here.

I don't understand what's wrong with these people.

That could take an evening in itself.

Miss Parkman, why don't you go to the Spinnaker? They have wonderful seafood.

Well, I do. love seafood, but I'm the kind of person who likes to try new

things. Then rent a duck suit.

Just don't do this.

Rent a duck suit?

Well, there's no point in buying one.

Hey, Dick.

Oh, hi, Jer. What's, uh...

What's the word for New York? Everything is great. Just great.

Except for one tiny glitch. Don't tell me. The script's a little flat. I've

punching it up. They love the script.

Oh. They hated you.

What? Maybe hate's too strong a word. They didn't feel you were quite right

the part.

Of Dick Loudon?

Right. We're recasting.

How can I not be right for the part of myself?

Dick. Personally, I think you make a damn fine U.

But the research department tested your plumbing demo and they come up with a

few negative comments.

Like what?

Now, first, you have to understand that these are not necessarily bad qualities.

They just don't fit in with the home office's thinking.

Now, for instance, you're boring.

They're just not looking for that.

You're kidding.

And then there's that darn stammer of yours.

Makes you sound unsure of yourself.

Well, how can they... How can they say that?

And people don't seem to trust you. Now, research feels it has something to do

with your shifty eyes.

I'm over here, Dick.

Plus, you don't seem to hit our target audience, the 20 to 30 -year -old

male.

Who do I hit?

55 to 70 -year -old women.

They love you. They want to have your children.

The trouble is they don't fix their own plumbing.

Well, if I'm not doing this video, nobody is because I'm not going to let

use the book.

Technically, it's not your book anymore, Dick.

You want to read that?

The author relinquishes all rights to this book in perpetuity in this medium

any other invented through time.

Throughout the universe.

We like to tie up those little loopholes.

Hi, Jer. Hi, Dick.

I'm not Dick anymore. They're recasting it.

What? They say I'm a stammering, shifty -eyed boar.

Oh, really?

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Bigshot.

You can just go back to your fancy New York studio and use all the high

technology you can find that's not going to make this project work.

You have nothing if you don't have this man.

Right here.

Thank you, Michael.

Michael, we're still planning to shoot at WPIV.

Oh, let's brainstorm on replacements for Dick.

Michael!

Dick, Dick, calm down. It's not like we don't want you on the project.

We just want you behind the camera where you can't bore people.

And you expect me to help you? Well, forget it. In perpetuity, throughout the

universe.

Dick, we're going to make this video either way.

You can advise us and see that so you want to be a plumber is true to your

vision, or we can leave all the creative decisions up to Michael.

Well, let's make a video.

But how can they fire you just because some stupid research

says you have shifty eyes?

Yeah.

Ooh, they do keep moving, don't they?

But they're not shifty.

Joanna, can I knock off now? That table over there ordered heavy cream and I'm

bushed.

Stephanie, Miss Parkman hasn't come down yet. You're still going to have to

serve her.

No, I won't. She never came back last night.

Are you sure?

Well, her bed's still made and her bathroom's unused.

That's what I call a guest.

Joanna, morning.

Let me introduce you to the man who's going to host your video and make it a

number one seller.

Ed McKendrick, Dick and Joanna Loudon, George Utley.

Hello.

Why don't you grab a seat? I've got to call the New York office to check the

messages.

Mr. Loudon, I know how hard it must be for you to have me coming in like this

and interpreting your work.

I know how personal it must be, and I feel for you.

Oh.

I want you to know that I've admired your books for years.

You lug, you.

And I could have never finished my second bathroom without you.

I'm glad I was there.

Do you mind if I sit down, Mr. Loudon? Sure.

And please, call him Dick.

All I want to do is take your enthusiasm, your excitement, your...

and make it come across on the screen.

Gee, Dick, can he stay for lunch?

What are you doing? Get away from him!

What?

I don't want you picking up any of his mannerisms.

Let me look at your eyes.

Oh, thank God.

You know, I...

I hate to admit it, but Ed is kind of likable. Yeah?

I could learn plumbing from him in a minute.

Of course, I already know plumbing, so I guess I'm not the one to go by.

Ms. Parkman, you didn't call. Acme Escort Service.

Serving the community for over 24 hours.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Of course she is.

We haven't lost one yet.

Ms. Parkman, we thought you were going to have dinner at the Spinnaker.

We begged you.

She didn't need to.

Our fee includes a meal.

I've never trapped my own hors d 'oeuvres before.

Well, where have you been all this time? She said she wanted to see some

nightlife, so naturally we took her right to the bat cave.

The bat cave?

They're real friendly.

If you stand perfectly still, they'll come and land right in your hair.

He's right.

After that, we pretended we was lost in the woods.

You were pretending?

Well, Daryl sensed you didn't want the evening to end.

Does he know women or what?

How much do I owe you for... How much do I owe you?

Well, we'll keep a running tab.

So what time will you be needing our services tonight?

Ah, thank you.

That's very sweet, but I'm planning to spend today and tonight washing my hair.

Well, I hate to imprison a noble sentiment in mere words, but bye.

Well, I have a lot of bathing to do.

Hi, Dick.

What's up? What's this, guys? No spangled toolbox?

No magician's assistant?

Actually, with Ed here, we don't need to create the illusion of excitement.

Okay, let's make how -to history.

Don't be afraid to get tight on his face. Those eyes aren't going anywhere.

Places, please.

Dick, Dick, wake up. He called places.

I'm not in this, bud.

Oh, never mind, Dick. They got somebody.

He's a dreamboat.

And action.

Hi, and welcome to Dick Loudon's So You Want to Be a Plumber.

Of course, at today's prices, who doesn't?

What a great ad lib.

I love this guy.

It wasn't an ad lib. I wrote it.

Dick, Dick, put that green -eyed monster back in its cave.

How many times have you seen a handsome sink like this and said, man, would that

snag up my bathroom?

Well, I'm going to take you step by step through installing this baby yourself.

Now, the first thing you have to do is remove these caps from the water pipe.

Shut off the main valve.

What? Cut.

Dick ruined the scene.

He was doing it wrong.

Before you take off the caps, you have to shut off the water at the main valve.

Oh, yeah. This thing.

Right?

I thought you knew everything about plumbing.

Well, I do.

Sink.

Pipes. This thing. Main valve.

You don't know anything about it, do you?

Give me a break.

It's the best part I've been offered in two years.

Jerry, this isn't going to work. He doesn't know the first thing about

Is this true?

No way, Jerry.

He admitted it. He lied to get the part.

I did not.

Who are you going to believe, him or me?

Sorry, Ed.

We won't let him bother you anymore.

All right.

Let's take it from the first thing you have to do.

Right.

Now, the first thing you have to do is shut off the main valve and

remove these caps.

See? He knows what he's doing.

Now, to these pipes, we're going to connect these fittings.

Cut.

Gee, that's funny.

Usually it's my voice saying cut.

Something we can do for you?

Dick.

Ed, you forgot to put in the washer.

I thought we were putting in a sink.

This is ridiculous. He didn't put a washer in the fitting. Dick, Dick,

such a thing as being too conscientious. Are we ready?

Action. Now, these pipes will connect these fittings.

I should point out that this procedure applies to sinks and to washers.

The correct way to fasten this is with a croissant wrench.

If you don't have one, ask for it at the hardware store.

And if they're out of it, try the bakery.

Well, there's nothing left to do but open the main valve and

turn on your new sink.

Hey, it works.

Well, Dick, the sky isn't exactly falling.

So, do you feel like a plumber?

I know I do.

This thing, right?

I'll get the fuse box, please. One thing at a time. I've got to get the fuse

box.

So, are we going to do another take?

Not with you, Ed. You don't know the first thing about plumbing.

I know a little bit about it.

Ed. Well, I've used the bathroom.

I had to do it. It was the part.

I know this Dick Loudon. I know how he walks. I know how he eats breakfast.

I know what he thinks.

Ed, show us how he exits.

Well, what are we going to do?

I've got to deliver a videotape on Tuesday and we lost our star.

Well, we've got to find somebody.

But who?

What about George Utley?

No, too ethnic.

Oh, what the hell?

Dick, sweetheart.

You don't want to shoot me in this. I have those... those shifty eyes.

Not shifty.

Bouncy.

What about my... my stammer? Bill, suspend.

People don't know which way the sentence is going to go.

But only old ladies like me. Dick, research shows that 90 % of all research

wrong.

I don't know.

Come on, Dick, don't make us beg.

Actually, what I'd really like you to do is sing.

Sing? No.

Sing.

And dance.

You're kidding, right?

No song and dance.

No video.

You guys no fine and dandy?

Hey, count me out. I will not participate in anything this childish

demeaning. I was thinking, Jer, we really don't have to shoot this at

WPIV. Two, three, four.

Gee, it's all fine and dandy.

Sugar candy, when I'm with you.

Then I only see the sunny side.

Even trouble has its funny side.

When you're fine, sugar candy.

I get so lonesome, I get so blue.

When you're handy, you're fine and dandy. For when you're gone, what can I