Original subtitles

Stephanie, this may be a crazy suggestion, but wouldn't that go faster

watched what you were doing?

Dick, I hardly got any sleep last night, and I'm hideous.

Stephanie, if you're so worried about your appearance, you should try to get

bed on time.

I did.

But George's hammering kept me awake all night.

Gee, that wasn't me.

It wasn't you?

Ew, that's eerie.

Stephanie, you probably just dreamed you heard hammering. No.

The only thing I ever dream is that I just won every beauty contest in the

and all the people I don't like are forced to build me a castle in France.

Excuse me, but I have a complaint.

We were rudely awakened by some noise last night.

Told you there was hammering.

No, it wasn't hammering.

Someone was pounding on our door, but when we opened it... No one was there.

Oh, they're here.

No, they're not.

Right outside your door is a hall window, and I'll bet the shutter came

again and was banging in the wind.

Dick, I think I speak for all of us when I say, sure.

I did, but another ghostly noise woke me up.

Something was scraping on the wall that could only have been a dead, rotting,

unmanicured hand.

Stephanie, I'm sure whatever you heard was nothing to be afraid of. We'll see.

Officer Shiflett is upstairs looking around now.

You called the police because you thought we had ghosts?

Who are you going to call?

And it's about to come right through that door.

Stephanie, it's George.

Oh. Hi, George.

I was upstairs when I heard the alleged scraping sound. I looked out a window

and saw one Caucasian handyman on a ladder.

Case closed.

George, what were you doing working at night?

Well, Dick, you told me to fix that loose shutter first thing this morning.

Guess I'm a little late.

I'm sorry we brought you out here for nothing.

No problem.

Well, I guess I better hit those mean streets.

If you see a goblin, read him his rights for me.

See, Stephanie, there's always a rational explanation.

Tonight it was George on a ladder. Last night it was a loose shutter.

Well, that's a relief.

I can finally get some sleep.

Actually, Dick, the shutter wasn't loose.

What?

Wow, that shutter was nailed down tight as a drum. I knew this yicky old place

was haunted.

Stephanie, this inn is not haunted.

But you can't be sure. You've only lived here three years.

Did you ever ask the old owners if it was haunted?

No, darn it.

And that's one of the five basic real estate questions.

George, you've lived here all your life. Is there anything strange about this

place? Well... Oh, there's that witch Sarah buried in the basement.

There's a witch buried in the basement?

Now, wait a minute. It was never absolutely proven that she was a witch.

They just hanged her in 1660 to be on the safe side.

This is the most horrible, filthy, disgusting thing I've ever heard. I hate

witches. Why didn't you tell me?

I guess we didn't... expect you'd take it this well.

Well, she's obviously the one doing all this stuff at night.

Excuse me, but if you don't mind, we'd like to get the hell out of here.

We heard heavy breathing in our closet, and then the door swung open all by

itself.

Now, are you sure you aren't letting your imagination run away with you?

Nothing to worry about. There's no one in there.

Dick hates you here.

Hi, I'm Ned, and this is Gloria.

It's nice to finally meet you, and thanks for coming all the way out here.

my, you've done a wonderful job renovating. Yeah, you even have guests.

We always used to lose money on the place. Oh.

Honey, they've turned this room into a study.

Who would have thought?

What did you use it for?

It was my taxidermy shop.

Gee, it's great to see books on those shelves instead of glass eyes.

So, I guess you're wondering why we asked you over.

Lately, there have been some odd occurrences.

Noises in the night.

slamming by themselves.

And since you know the building so well, we thought you might have a rational

explanation as to what's going on. Well, we do. The place is haunted.

It is. We hoped it would stop once we moved out, but I guess old Sarah doesn't

care whose life she makes a living hell.

What makes you think Sarah's responsible?

She'd appear from time to time, always in the same flowing white gown they hung

her in.

If it wasn't for that damn noose around her neck, she would have been kind of

cute.

Why haven't we noticed anything before this?

Why would she start acting up now?

Well, who knows?

I mean, any little thing could set her off. I mean, she was hanged as a witch.

don't think she died in the best of moods.

What was that?

Nothing, Gloria. Relax.

I can't.

She knows I'm back. I can feel it.

I'd better wait in the car.

Maybe we could have dinner together sometime.

But not here.

Well, now you know why we had to move out.

I feel guilty as hell selling you this place. I wish I could refund every

even though I can't and there's no legal way on earth you can make me.

Well, we appreciate your concern.

But I have to tell you, when it comes to ghosts, I need a lot of convincing.

Well, I don't.

Good luck.

Nice to see you again, Sarah.

Dick, I'm scared.

Holly.

I'm sure that the shelf is probably tilted.

I'm sure Ned's eyes rolled off here all the time.

Watch.

You know, you probably have to do it just right.

See?

Dick, I distinctly heard noises coming from down here.

Well, I didn't hear a single... What is it, a ghost?

Not unless you can stub your toe on one.

because somebody rearranged our furniture as a prank.

I mean, nothing has happened here that a moderately imaginative moving man

couldn't have done.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl.

Fellas, we hear you're having some ectoplasmic difficulties.

Well, we haven't been slimed yet.

I think all your troubles would be over if you'd let us dig up that pesky witch.

We've chosen a lovely spot for her over at our cafe.

We figure a constant occupant of the leftmost counterstool will stimulate

business.

Well, you've obviously given this a lot of thought, but I don't think Sarah is

the reason for our problems.

Well, just in case.

Please accept this complimentary exorcism kit.

A hog's foot?

You just circle it over your head while standing on your left foot, rubbing your

tummy, and saying, get spook, get spook.

It will not only rid you of any paranormal pranksters, but it also

regularity.

Larry, Dick doesn't believe in the supernatural.

Oh, I see.

Well, do you mind if we check your basement for any malevolent presence,

satisfy our own curiosity?

Go ahead.

But, guys, leave the shovels here.

Submit it for your approval.

An ordinary inn run by Mr. and Mrs. Apple Pie America.

Suddenly hurled into the Twilight Zone.

Stephanie told you? Hey, Steph and I have no secrets. Well, none that she

about.

Oh, Michael, listen.

Stephanie has not been getting her beauty sleep, and she thinks that she

really bad.

Don't worry, Joanna. A few choice words from these lips will have that ego

inflated back up to pressure.

Michael. Steph, were you in an accident?

Michael. Oh, he's just being honest, Joanna. I know he still loves me. From

deepest reaches of El Ticker.

You'll understand if I don't hug you? Of course.

So, Dick, what's the poop on the spook?

There's no poop and no spooking.

Michael, will you stay here tonight? Maybe with you around, I'll feel safe

enough to get some sleep.

Say no more. If that boogie gal wants my cupcake, she'll have to get past this

ghostbuster.

Oh, Michael.

When you talk like that, I get weak in the knees.

For me, it's the stomach.

We ran every litmus test we know for any otherworldly presence.

We pronounced this house clean.

That's all the proof I need.

But please take this hog's hoof anyway.

If only to give us the fun of having to get another.

Come on, Daryl.

Hold on.

We appear to be one Daryl Light.

Well, he must still be down in the basement.

That's your typewriter?

Sure sounds like it.

What does it say?

Now, honey, don't panic and take this the wrong way. Read it.

Get out or else.

There's no sign of Daryl.

You know when I said before this house was clean?

I'd like to eat my words at this time.

Dick, this is getting serious.

All right, I'm calling the police.

Officer Shifflett, this is Dick Loudon.

We had a genuine strange occurrence.

A man just went into our basement and disappeared.

Well, yes, he could have gone out the storm door, but it's not like Daryl to

wander off. Yeah, it is.

Excuse me, just a moment.

What do you mean, yeah, it is?

Daryl's been known to take off before, but usually it's when the new Ferraris

come out.

Well, you know, a couple other things happened that were maybe not that

but... Excuse me.

Thanks. What did he say?

He said, stay calm, don't panic, and boo.

Well, Dick, if the police aren't going to help, maybe we really should leave.

Honey, I'm not going to be chased out of my own home. We're going to handle this

ourselves. How?

First, we're going to search this place from top to bottom and make sure it's

empty. Then we're going to seal every door and window.

And then, when nothing happens, I'm going to prove once and for all there is

such thing as ghosts.

You can't sleep either.

Admit it.

You're scared of the witch, too.

Actually, I have this crazy theory that it's this light shining in my face.

Dick, how can you still be skeptical after the way Daryl disappeared?

You're right, Joanna. He couldn't have just wandered off. He had to be sucked

into another dimension.

Okay, I'm acting foolish.

Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep if I have some warm milk.

Stretch out.

Hog's hooves are good for that.

All right, let's try to get some sleep.

with you tonight.

Michael stinks at making me feel safe.

I'm doing my best, Steph. Michael, I don't see how you can possibly protect

from under the bed.

That's where ghosts first form.

If that witch shows her translucent puss, she's dog meat.

It's George.

Bed's clear.

I was wondering if I could spend the night here.

George, are you afraid to be alone, too? No, I just want you to be sure I don't

sleep through anything scary.

Why not?

Our bed is... Everybody's.

With this many people here, I feel like nothing could happen to us.

Don't rule out being crushed to death.

He came from the closet.

as much fun as I thought.

be a ghost in the form of Daryl.

This old place is riddled with secret passages like the one in your closet.

Common feature in a revolutionary structure.

Anyway, our talkative friend here was using them to bang on walls, open closet

doors, and push books off shelves from behind.

Pretty tame stuff, but I can see where a civilian could fall for it.

Darryl, why would you want to go scaring these nice people?

He maintains he's innocent.

Well, liar, liar, pants on fire.

Come on.

I'm booking you for disturbing the psychic piece.

Officer Shiflett.

I'm sure Daryl has learned his lesson now that he realizes how seriously a

like this can affect someone's looks.

And the important thing is that we solved our problem, and I've been proven

totally correct in my refusal to believe in ghosts.

Except for the odd git spook.

stupid witches put the last line on my face.

Hey,

she's real.

And his fabric's cheap.

Mr. Tate.

Nice to see you again.

You know this apparition?

She used on the strap.

wandered into a passageway and got lost.

Darryl, you're innocent.

That's a load off.

I thought we'd have to bear the shame of having a weirdo in the family.

I don't understand. Why did you do this to us?

Well, I think it's pretty obvious why they did it. It is?

They aren't the Stratford writer bestseller.

Cash in on the movie video cassette and soundtrack sales.

How many times have I seen this ruse?

That's ridiculous. We were jealous the inn was doing so well. We thought we

could scare them into selling it back to us for a song.

The ridiculous story trick gets them to spill their guts every time.

Okay, let's get along.

Come on.

Come on.

Stephanie, you're a hero.

Oh, I didn't do anything Clint Eastwood wouldn't have done.

Steph, I don't care what you look like. After what you just did, you deserve a

kiss.

I'm glad it's finally over. To think I was this close to believing in ghosts.

You know, if this were a horror movie, this is exactly when something really

supernatural would happen.