Original subtitles

This is my brother, Daryl. And this is my other brother, Daryl.

Hi, guys. What's up?

We're returning your chainsaw.

Oh, thanks.

Where is it?

Oh, dear. We must have left it at the cafe.

Daryl?

And don't be playing. Let's see if it'll cut this on the way back.

I got a confession to make.

I just wanted to get rid of Daryl so we could be alone.

Why? I'm going back to school.

Oh. I'm probably not as educated as you think I am.

Truth is, I quit high school prematurely.

Before I ever got in.

I was afraid I wasn't high school material.

What changed your mind?

Earl.

Who's Earl?

A contestant on Jeopardy.

He lost big. He changed my life.

How? Well, I would have creamed him by three points.

That inspired me to sign up for this high school equivalency refresher

The test is in two weeks.

Well, mind is a terrible thing to waste.

What do you want me to do?

Cover for me with my brothers. I don't want them to know I'm in school.

I think they'd be proud of you.

You'd be wrong.

They kind of frown on higher education.

Like when I drew Tippy the Turtle to try to get in that Cinderway Art School.

They called me uppity.

You've never been on the business end of their biting sarcasm.

Well, maybe a couple of times.

Well, if the Daryls come around, I'll tell them you're working on a project

me. Ooh, you're slick.

Now, watch out.

Daryl can pry the truth out of a stone.

Did you get the chainsaw?

Did you look everywhere?

Well, we're in tarnation.

Well, I'll be.

I had it here all along.

What'd they tell you? Already the zingers are flying.

the new Vermont tour guide.

They took away one of our maple leaves.

No kidding.

Last year, we were a three -maple leaf inn. This year, we've only got two. It's

not fair.

We've been defoliated.

We can't take this line down.

We can go all over the country breaking into people's homes and drawing maple

leaves in their books.

I'm trying to say is there's not much we can do about it.

Fine, dear.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to our two -maple -leaf kitchen and whip

up a crock of swill.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

You're, uh, you're probably, probably looking for Larry.

As he may have mentioned to you, he's working on a project for me.

Well, he is.

It's for a book.

As you know, I'm a writer.

Well, I am.

I'm doing a book on...

UFOs in New England, and I hired Larry to photograph the

UFOs.

They come out at night.

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Between 8 and 10.

You're probably wondering why I didn't ask you two to help out.

That's because UFOs are terrified

of trios.

about the way the Vermont tour guide robbed us of a maple leaf and I've

a letter.

Dear sirs, with all respect, we believe your review of our inn is unfair.

Next time you hire a critic, check first to see if he's brain dead.

What do you think?

You haven't mailed us yet, have you? No.

Good, because I have a few notes.

I dictated it over the phone as a mailgram.

Then I wouldn't change a word.

Is that a chip in that cup?

Yeah. What do you mean, yeah?

We can't have a dining room full of damaged crockery.

Is that a crock? No, no.

It's fine.

Miss, this cantaloupe isn't ripe.

I'm a waitress, not a bartender. Don't tell me your problem.

treated that guest?

Well, it didn't come as a complete surprise.

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but only two positions of our three -way light

bulb are working.

light bulb in room seven, re -tack the carpeting on the stairs, and flush out

all the radiators so they don't knock.

Boy, the day can sure turn on you fast.

And, Stephanie, after breakfast, I'll have a list of chores for you, followed

a discussion of your being rude to the guests.

He started it!

I'm going to give this whole inn the once -over.

Over and over.

What's up?

UFOs and you.

What about it?

UFOs have been spotted by as few as one and as many as 10 ,000 persons.

Ah, and I said they were afraid of trios.

Well, they are. It's only that magic number three that spooks them.

This family of three was taken for a

ride on a UFO.

But you can't count the baby. It has to be three adults.

Three angry steel workers.

Well, not steel workers.

Okay, he's going to night school.

determine my nocturnal whereabouts?

Yeah. Well, I really want to thank you more than ever for keeping my secret.

Because if they knew what happened last night, they'd be on me like drool on a

baby.

What happened last night?

I quit school.

Those are afraid of trios?

Is that the best you could come up with?

Yeah.

Well, don't feel too bad.

Those two could get Rambo to babble.

Larry, what happened last night? Why'd you quit school?

Well, it started off good enough.

I was surprised and delighted to find a piece of complimentary gum under my

seat.

Next thing I know, everybody's laughing at me.

So I hightailed it.

I can get that kind of treatment from Daryl.

But that's no reason to quit.

On top of that, I didn't understand the lesson.

It's clear to me my brain don't take up the full space my head has a lot of.

Larry, suppose I tutor you.

No way, not if that means what I think it does.

It means I'll help you study and get that high school diploma.

Oh, okay.

The Earth is made up of seven continents.

Europe, Antarctica, Asia, Africa, Australia, North America, and South

How am I going to cram all this into one temporal lobe?

That's why you're lucky I'm here. When I was a kid, I came up with a little

trick.

Eat an aspirin after a nighttime snack.

I can explain.

Is this a good time to sand, stain, varnish, and wax the floor?

No, George. Well, I guess I'll go wallpaper the bathroom, then.

Stupid, stupid maple leaf.

Larry, it's the initials.

Each letter stands for a continent.

Europe.

Antarctica.

Asia.

Africa.

Australia, North America, South America.

Do you suppose Miss Joanna would be free to tutor me?

Larry, give it a chance.

Darryl, what are you doing here?

My lunch.

Thanks.

Mmm, smells... All right, get out. You had your fun.

What is it? Turtle soup.

An obvious reference to the Tippy incident.

Oh, Tim, could you help me look at the fabric swatches for the James Madison

room? I can't wait. Larry's at school taking his test, and I feel like an

expectant father.

I just hope he doesn't come back with a bouncing baby F.

to worry about.

Larry, how'd you do?

Well, the teacher did say he's grading on the curve, but since I answered zero

out of a hundred, I expect to wind up close to the bottom.

Dang. At least on Jeopardy, I would have come home with some lovely parting

gifts.

You failed, but...

But you knew the material when we talked it through.

Yeah, doing it that way seemed to come as natural as stuff between your toes.

But when I tried to write, none of that knowledge made it to my pencil.

Come on, I want to talk to your teacher.

All right.

Where are you?

You, wait, wait here.

Hi, I'm Dick Love.

Oh, stupid.

I'd like to talk to you about Larry's tests. I'm his tutor.

Oh, really?

Oh, you did a good job.

I wonder if you'd consider giving him another chance.

He knows the material. We went over it rather conversationally, and that comes

as natural to him as stuff between your...

It comes real natural.

I'm sorry, I can't test him twice. We have rules.

Well, sometimes you have to bend the rules for special students.

Take Einstein.

Just a moment. Are you comparing Larry with Einstein?

Well, I wouldn't want Larry working with subatomic particles.

I mean, Einstein didn't fit into the educational system, and neither does

You claim he knows the material?

Hey, I'm his tutor.

All right, I'll retest him.

Orally?

All right, orally.

One more thing.

Could you make it sound like Jeopardy?

Jeopardy, the game show. That's where they give you the answer and then you

to give them the question.

Oh, what the heck. It'll be a great story for the teacher's lounge.

Larry, come on down.

Okay, Larry, I'm going to retest you orally. I'll give you the answer. Oh,

Jeopardy. I'll take four scritches for a hundred.

This is my classroom. I'll pick the categories.

American history, geography, mathematics, science, and literature.

I'll take American history for 200, Paul.

This is really nice of you.

All right, American history for 200.

Event commemorated every December 7th. What is...

18 shopping days until Christmas.

No, no, I was talking about the attack on Pearl Harbor.

He was sort of right. Sort of right doesn't win on Jeopardy, Mr. Loudon.

the cotton gin?

Correct for 500.

All right, let's recap.

So far, Larry, you have a borderline D average.

You get the next one right, you'll have a C minus. But if you miss...

we're going to have to send you home empty -handed.

Are you ready, Larry?

Ready, Paul.

The category is science for 500.

Here is your answer.

Three things that plants and animals can do that non -living things cannot.

What is going from here to there? Movement, that's correct.

What is chowing down?

Nourish themselves, correct. One more, Larry.

What is partying?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

The correct question is, what is reproduction?

I said partying.

One man's partying is another man's reproduction.

I'm sorry, Larry, but your final grade is an F. But we thank you for coming.

You've been a good sport.

Goodbye and good luck.

Wait, wait.

What about Final Jeopardy?

Final Jeopardy?

Yeah. That's where I can turn an if into a diploma by betting the whole ball of

wax on one question.

You can?

Look, we didn't make up these rules.

Okay.

Okay. The category is geography.

All right, Larry. For a D and a high school equivalency diploma, your answer

is...

of the seven continents of the world.

Oh, wait, I know this one. Uh, take an aspirin, chew a pill.

It ain't coming.

Well, this ain't like final...

This has to stop soon. I never wore out a hammer before.

My only pleasure is imagining that every stroke of the rag is putting another

line on Joanna's face.

Actually, that's how I wore out the hammer.

Yeah, can I help you?

Yeah, well, I'm Alan Woodall, the reviewer for the Vermont Tour Guide.

I believe you know me as Brain Dead.

Well, Mr.

Woodall, you did take away one of our maple leaves.

I did?

Here, see for yourself.

Two maple leaves.

Yeah, that's two maple leaves, all right. But that's not your end.

That's the park and snooze.

Huh? Yeah, you see? You were reading the wrong column. Here, look, look.

The Park and Snooze, two maple leaves.

The Stratford, three maple leaves.

Oh, my goodness.

Who's got dead brains now?

Oh, Mr. Woodall.

I'm so embarrassed. Please, stay here tonight.

Our treat, free.

No, thank you. There's a four maple leaf inn down the road.

and it's your way, I can only seem to learn them in descending order of gross

national product.

Daryl, I won't keep you two hanging on me hooks.

I passed.

I've got good news, too. It turns out I've been reading the Vermont tour guide

all wrong. We've had three maple leaves all along.

Well, thank goodness you didn't get all worked up over it.

You better tell George and Stephanie. At least they won't have to do any more

work.

It's nice to know you fellows have so much confidence in me. But what if I'd

failed?

Well, I told them. I must say they both took it better than I expected.