All language subtitles for Newhart s04e01 Pirate Pete

Somebody facing a tough negotiation with
his boss. You're certainly acting

chipper. Well, that's because I've come
up with a surefire strategy on how to

get what I want. Here, I'll show you.
You be Bev, and you play the devil's

advocate. All right.

Bev, I'd like a microwave for my
dressing room.

In a pig's eye, bozo.

It's more like her to say pig's eye
dick.

In a pig's eye, dick. Aha!

You took the bait. I don't want a
microwave.

Then why did you ask for one? Bev, Bev,
Bev, you are so naive.

When she turns me down, she'll be
consumed with guilt. Then I ask her for

really want, new carpeting for the set.
Her only answer can be what color and

how soon.

Sounds like you're ready for anything,
honey. Hey, bring on the Middle East.

I just pulled off what could be the
greatest practical joke in history.

You know how Stephanie is always so
worried about her weight?

I turned her scale up two pounds.

You didn't.

You know, Joyce, I mean, that almost
borders on the cruel.

there's been an increase in the Earth's
gravitational pull lately?

Not that I've heard, Dick.

There was nothing on the news.

Why? Just asking.

And you two are terrible.

And since there's nothing I enjoy after
a show more

than a... piping hot dish of tater tots.

I'd really like a microwave in my
dressing room.

Okay.

What?

We're getting a new microwave for the
executive lounge so I can let you have

old one.

Well, if there's nothing else...
Actually, what I really...

What I really wanted was new carpeting
for the set. Come on, I just gave you a

microwave.

Bev, Disasterville on the set. Pete was
about to go on the air and the boom man

hit him on the head.

Pete's on the way to the hospital, but
don't worry, the mic's okay.

You're kidding. We don't have a host for
the show?

Well, it looks like I'm in a position to
do the station a real favor.

color carpet and how soon?

Beige and yesterday.

Well, come on, Dick. We don't want to
keep the kids waiting.

Kids?

Well, wait a minute. You didn't say it
was a children's show. It's not your

typical kid vid. This one's real
sophisticated.

Ahoy, mateys.

Shiver me timbers if it isn't time for
Pirate Pete's Cartoon Lagoon.

Now, it doesn't take a spyglass to tell
that I'm not Pirate Pete.

I'm Long John Loudon, his scurvy cousin.

If I could interject something here,
Pirate Pete is in the hospital, and I'm

sure he'd appreciate any cards or
letters you might send him.

But now on with the fun.

Me buckos.

Time for the mail.

Let's hoist up our net and see what
we've got.

Hard.

Dear Pirate Pete, I can't wait to grow
up and plunder and...

I wish you a lot of luck, Melissa.

Remember me, Hardees. If you want to
write us here at sea, you'll need one of

Pirate Pete's official message bottles.

They keep your letter bone dry, and
they're only $5 .95.

this to be stolen.

I better put it for safekeeping in my
trusty treasure chest.

Which you kids can have for only $39
.95. Oh, come on.

Lead into the cartoon, Dick.

And now, mateys, it's time for a rowdy
rooster cartoon.

Let's watch.

And we're clear.

Michael, that is the most reprehensible
children's show I've ever seen. It's

just one long, vulgar sales pitch.

Vulgar? There are some damn fine
cartoons.

That duck was just force -fed a stick of
dynamite.

What duck, Dick?

Michael. Sorry, Dick, you're on again.

Doing a commercial. A commercial? That's
a change of pace.

Now, let's take a look at the latest in
fun from our very good friends at the

Bunny Hutch Toy Shop.

You know, kids,

pirating in the 80s demands a modern
approach.

The Annihilator 5000.

I can't recommend this to children. I
couldn't even recommend it to a Marine.

Dick, stick with the cards. Parents, you
should be ashamed to let your children

watch this show.

Let them read a book, go out and play,
watch Fruit Life, and anything but this.

And now back to our wonderful cartoon.

And we're clear.

All right, Dick, don't worry. When we
come back, we'll do some swirly effects

and we'll tell the kids it was a dream
sequence.

Dick, Michael, to my office, now.

Of course, that won't fool her.

is lit up with calls saying Pirate Pete
is a ripoff. What the hell was going on

out there?

It's not my fault, Bev. I had everything
written down on cue cards, but then

Dick had to go pay attention to what he
was reading.

I'm proud of what I did. That show is
just a bunch of sales pitches

interrupted by an exploding duck.

I mean, that man is getting rich off
innocent children.

Pete's not rich.

He's not.

What about those message bottles and
treasure chests?

Dick, this is a tiny station with a tiny
audience.

Even with the promotional items, we pay
Pete about as much as we pay you.

Oh, my God.

And now he's in the hospital and the
crew is saying he doesn't have

Oh, my God.

Yes.

It's the station owner.

Hello. Oh, I'm...

I'm not sorry that I spoke up, but maybe
I'll stop by the hospital and see if

there's anything the poor guy needs.

Well, Dick, as long as you're going to
be seeing him anyway, could you tell

one more thing?

He's canceled.

God,

it's humiliating being fat.

As I ran through town, people looked at
me like something they'd trim off meat.

Stephanie, about this weight thing... I
just can't deal with being imperfect.

I don't know how you've handled it all
these years.

Oh, sorry, you were saying something?

About your weight.

It's a darn shame.

Oh, George, I think your practical joke
is about over.

Stephanie just jogged all morning to
lose weight.

I know.

So I turned her scale up a little more.

Hi, Mr.

Pittman. You have a visitor.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Dick Loudon. I took over your
show.

Oh, listen, I can't thank you enough.

But they don't have a TV and radiology.

Don't take too much time, you know. He's
still weak.

That Ellen, she's terrific.

She grew up watching my show.

Now her children watch.

I don't have any kids of my own.

That's my family.

So how's the noggin?

when I get back to the show.

Pete, I have something I have to tell
you. Yeah?

This isn't easy.

You know, when my little mateys have
trouble telling their mommies and

something, I give them a piece of
advice.

I tell them to take in a deep breath,
then let it out, then say what's on

minds. Well, this is a little more than
a bad report card.

Well, what works for the little mateys
works for grown -up buccaneers, too.

So why don't you try it?

Just take in a deep breath.

Let it out.

Then say it. You're canceled.

Well, I don't understand.

Why would they cancel me? The show was
so popular.

The way I heard the story, someone
pointed out that it was long

on violence and commercialism and short
on anything good.

Well, who would stab me in the back when
I'm in the hospital?

Me.

I didn't mean for him to cancel your
show, but I was selling $40 cardboard.

The duck exploded.

I shot Lionel.

Did you save a bullet for me?

Suppose I try to get your show back.

And you knew that?

Hey, I got you canceled, didn't I?

and this is my brother, Daryl.

What about your other brother, Daryl?
I'm sorry. He's too upset to participate

in this conversation.

We'd like to take this up with the
spouse of the house.

Uh, dear?

Right away?

Oh.

Hi, guys. Easy, Daryl.

What's the matter? Daryl ain't been the
same since he heard that Pirate Pete got

the proverbial axe.

to Nightline.

Guys, before you get too worked up, I
talked the station into putting Pirate

Pete back on.

I'm going to co -host with him today and
show him how to do it right.

Well, Daryl's adopting a wait -and -see
attitude.

Oh, by the way, if you don't mind some
constructive

criticism, we could tell it was you
talking for Perch.

forward to seeing the show. Good,
because I'm going to be educational and

entertaining without sacrificing one
iota of fun.

Yeah, and I hear you look ridiculous in
a pirate suit.

Well, the practical joke is officially
over.

Finally. I hope Stephanie wasn't too
angry when you told her. Oh, I didn't

her. She would have killed me.

I just set her scale back to normal.
She'll wear herself and everything will

fine again.

Make way!

I couldn't get out of my lunch date with
Michael.

This is turning into a nightmare.

Can you make out any hint of my shape
under here?

As far as I can tell, you could be
riding a horse.

Who am I kidding?

One look at these chubby cheeks and
Michael will start calling me Big Mama.

Michael, what's keeping Pete? There's no
point in my doing the show alone.

Believe me, Dick, nobody wants that.

Steph? I don't blame you for not
recognizing me.

Michael, something horrible has
happened.

I've ballooned two pounds.

What?

Well, there'll just be more of you to
love.

Michael, please.

I know it's only a matter of time. of
time before you drop me.

I'd lose respect for you if you didn't.

Just try to remember me with one chin.

Steph, it can't end this way.

Call if you get better.

Michael.

Stephanie.

You haven't gained any weight, George.

Rigged your scale. What?

Why would he do a thing like that?

It was supposed to be funny.

It's thick and depraved.

I tried to stop him.

Oh, no. Throw that in the dumpster. The
toy shop promised me that they'd send

something that wouldn't massacre the
crew.

Steph, you've been through a trauma.

Why don't you go to my office and cool
down?

Pete, where have you been? I asked you
to come here a few minutes early so we

could discuss changes in the show. Ten
seconds to air.

I am early.

What are the changes?

Don't worry, I'll be right here to guide
you through it.

Ahoy, mateys!

Well, shiver me timbers if it isn't time
for Pirate Pete's Cartoon Lagoon.

And I'd like to thank my cousin Long
John Loudon.

for taking command of the ship
yesterday.

Ha!

Thank you, Pirate Pete, and I'm sure all
the buccaneers join me in welcoming you

back to the helm.

Yo -ho -ho and a bottle of rum.

Actually, Pete, instead of glorifying
the use of alcohol, from now on,

let's say yo -ho -ho and a glass of
unsweetened fruit juice.

Let's tell everybody about today's
exciting show.

Aye, it's Thursday.

And that means today's cartoon will
feature those two scamps rough and

Actually, Pete, there's no room on this
ship for people who can't behave like

little gentlemen.

So instead, we're going to show a
fascinating film called The Apple

Toothbrush.

We're going to show a hygiene film.

Sounds good to me.

That was Perch. He says he likes the
sound of that film.

No, I don't.

Yes, I do.

Well, let's hoist up the net and check
the mail.

Don't forget, boys and girls, if you
want to write Pirate Pete here at sea,

you'll need one of these official
message bottles.

Where are the message bottles?

Don't need them, Pirate Pete. Turns out
letters are just as good.

But the bottles were cute.

Still, it's not a good idea to throw
bottles or anything else into our

the ocean.

Now, for our first letter.

Dear Pirate Pete, I really enjoy the
show.

Could you please refresh me on the
vowels signed Kenny?

Come on, no kid wrote that.

Well, Kenny, the vowels are... R -A -E
-I -O -U.

And sometimes what, Pirate Pete?

You leave me out of this.

The answer is why.

Well, that was fun.

Let's read another.

Get that one way at the back.

Shiver me timbers.

But it seems Long John has had a little
accident.

let me down this instant.

My kid's old Long John's forgot the
magic word, please.

He's not behaving like a little
gentleman.

Please let me down.

A little late for that.

Right now, let's see what our friends at
the Bunny Huts toy shop have for us

today.

say how Stephanie reacted when she found
out about my practical joke?

She wasn't very happy about it, George.

She didn't say, well, that's a good one
on me.

And I bear no grudge against old George.

No, George.

Well, I might as well brace myself.

Stephanie's smart.

She's going to find some real clever,
subtle way to get back at me.

Meow.