Original subtitles

Bang! You're dead!

Dick, you're supposed to die.

George, I'm not playing that stupid game.

Oh, come on, Dick. All the beavers are playing.

Give me one good reason why you won't. All the beavers are playing.

What's this all about? It's beaver hunt week, Joanna.

You surprise a fellow beaver and say, bang, bang, you're dead. And whatever

doing, he's got to scream, clutch his chest, fall down and pretend to die.

And Dick, you're not playing?

I guess I just don't know how to have a good time.

You don't have to tell me.

I knew that when you dropped out of the Spit for Distance contest.

Hi, Harley.

Hi, Joanna.

Hi, beaver brother.

Harley, if you've come over here to shoot me, forget it. I'm not playing.

I have no fear. I wouldn't shoot somebody I'm about to hit up for a job.

Oh, Harley, you lost another one? Yeah. I was working at the car wash, and the

manager's wife was inspecting the place, and I accidentally hot waxed her.

I tried to wash it off, but it kept beating up.

Well, Harley, I'm afraid we don't have any jobs right now.

Well, I'll just keep coming by every day to see if an opening has indeed

occurred. Before you tie yourself to that routine, why don't we check today's

classifieds?

Oh, here's a new listing.

Wanted hot wax operator.

Sorry, Harley.

Oh, here's a new one.

Go -getter wanted for high -paying sales position.

There's a phone number. Why don't you call?

Well, I'm not too good on the phone.

I'm much better up close and personal.

No, I just keep coming by here every day. Why don't I make the call for you?

gee, thanks.

And tell him I'm real good at sales.

Unless, of course, it's telephone sales.

Hello.

Who am I speaking to?

Mr. DeVore. Yes, I'm calling for a friend about your ad.

Go get her, you bet.

Why am I calling for him?

He's gone.

to get something.

Okay, I will.

You have an interview tomorrow morning at nine o 'clock.

I do? Oh, that's wonderful.

Boy, my luck is changing from this moment on.

Thanks to you, Dick, I'm going to start a whole new life.

come up and Michael has to take me to Boston this Friday.

Oh, that sounds serious. Oh, it is.

The new spring fashions are out.

Wait, wait a minute. You want me to give you a day off so you can go and buy

some clothes?

Don't be a silly.

I can't afford to buy anything and what you pay me.

But they can't stop me from trying on every size three in the store.

Well, as long as it's completely frivolous.

Good, I knew you'd understand.

you sent him off to interview for?

Yeah. Say hello to the new regional salesman for Eternity Limited.

What are you selling? I'm glad you asked that provocative question.

A lot of people don't like to talk about death.

Oh, yuck. I'm out of here.

Harley, you're not selling life insurance.

Oh, no, no, no. I'd only do something like that as a last resort.

I'm selling burial plots.

Actually, we're supposed to call them final comfort zones.

So how many should I put you down for?

How much are these comfort zones?

$350. And it's a real easy payment plan. You just plunk down the whole lot up

front.

Well, Harley, I think this is something that Dick and I should discuss first.

Yeah, meanwhile, why don't you go sell to someone else?

Actually, I was told to make my first sale to Tastemakers.

People who set the trend for the entire community.

Well, I hardly think the entire community is going to buy it. But the

were in Europe, so I thought I'd try you.

Well, what do you say?

Well, honey, I know we've never talked about this, but my parents are sort of

saving a place for me in the family plot.

Oh, great.

What am I supposed to do, have George plant me in the garden?

Oh, what the heck, honey. Let's get planted together.

Oh, boy.

Enjoy your purchase.

And may you never have to use it in your lifetime.

Tom Nordolf, Mrs. Loudon.

From the recycling center.

We met at the beaver picnic.

Oh, that's right. You were the one who went around collecting the aluminum

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks to the beaver belching contest.

That picnic is one of my top grossing days.

George put a bunch of cans in the basement for you. Oh, is he around?

Thought he might give me a hand. Oh, sure.

George?

Yes, Joanne? Make, make your dick! No!

This is set up.

Is your husband around?

Forget it. Dick's not playing. He thinks it's silly.

He used that word, silly?

Oh, hi, Kyle. Dick, what's this about you not playing beaver hunt?

Well, I think someone should live to write about it.

I just don't know why you joined the beavers if you don't want to do beaver

stuff.

What did you think we were going to do?

Compare fabric softeners?

Come on, Kyle. Let's go get those cans. Oh, boy. I can't believe I bought one of

those gravesites because I heard you did. You did?

Yeah, and I wish I would have waited till the Tildens came back from Europe.

Somebody actually bought a gravesite because of me? I know I did.

Hi, all.

Turbo Z service for Boston now departing on track one.

Not my fault to find Miss S.

Hal was late getting back from the station. He was off buying burial plots

because he heard Dick did.

Oh, so it's your fault.

For your information, this face was perfect 20 minutes ago. Now I have to go

fill in pout lines.

I'll be using the blusher if you want to watch.

Do you have to ask?

I can take it from here. You sure? No problem.

Goodbye, Mrs. Loudon.

Goodbye, gun control party pooper. Too good to be a beaver.

Now, this is all a matter of balance.

Hey,

I'm a professional. Just throw it over my shoulder.

Well, we'll see you later, Mr.

Butterwood male, holier than thou.

and this is my other brother, Daryl.

You know, there's another fella outside doing the same thing.

Yeah. We was having a similar problem over to the cafe till Daryl here started

checking them little dates on the milk.

We understand you bought yourselves some final comfort zones for when you and

the lovely Miss Joanna croak.

Yeah. Well, when we heard that, we bought us some rot spots.

We just got back from giving them a look -see.

What did you guys do? Try them on?

No. We just stood on them and sank in.

That's to be expected in a swamp.

A swamp?

Yeah. We was pleasantly surprised, too.

Oh, great. I got hardly a job selling graves in a swamp. I better call them.

Well, tell him thanks first.

Hello, Mrs. Esten. Yeah, this is Dick Loudon. Is Harley there?

Oh.

Do you know someplace where he can be reached?

Do you happen to know the phone number at the jail?

I'm sorry I asked you to answer that ad. I feel like this is all my

responsibility. Oh, don't worry, Dick. With a job that good, there's bound to

a downside.

Hi, Harley. Dick.

Michael, I thought you and Stephanie were going to Boston. We are, Dick, but

we were driving, it suddenly hit me.

Harley, jail, Channel 8 news exclusive.

Officer, why isn't he still behind bars? I've got a camera crew coming.

Sorry.

He's free to go.

Go?

So soon?

Surely we can lose this man in the system for eight or ten minutes.

Listen, Harley, don't leave town. They'll be handing down your indictment

day now.

Well, you can't indict Harley. You should arrest the guy who hired him,

Well, now, it's hard to arrest somebody you can't prove exists.

But that's crazy. I talked to him myself.

His phone number was in the paper.

Payphone.

Harley, you met him. Where was his office?

It was right on Main Street.

Aha. What was the address?

No, it was right on Main Street.

We'd meet in front of the Yummy Freeze and kind of keep walking.

Okay, so the guy is clever, but...

Follow the money. That'll lead you to the guilty party.

All the checks were made out to, endorsed by, and cashed by Harley Estes.

didn't keep it.

Harley, tell him what you did with the money.

I give it to that guy that we can't prove exists.

But he's innocent.

Show me some proof.

Look at him.

but I think the courts have struck down the look at him defensively.

Look, there must be some way we can get Harley off. Hey, prove he didn't know

that this operation was a fraud and he can be out celebrating with three fat

ladies and a six -pack.

Whoa, brainstorm.

Michael, I don't even want to hear it. App scam starring Dick Loudon. Stop

there. Here's the scenario.

We hide a mic and camera at the end. Harley.

You lure DeVore to the inn, DeVore sells you some plot stick, and we get the

whole thing on videotape, and bingo, our ratings shoot up right below third.

Michael, that is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Good work. Let's do it.

Oh, all set.

Now, make sure DeVore sits here, because the camera is

in this box.

Ready to do a level check on the microphone?

Right.

Testing, testing.

Fine.

That should pick up anything in the room.

Javor's on his way.

I had him paged at the yummy freeze.

He said he was leaving town on vacation.

So quick thinking on my part saved the day.

What'd you tell him?

What you told me to.

You were a large family that wanted to pay cash.

I said I'd set the hook, but I couldn't reel you in.

I got you to listen to the music, but couldn't make you dance.

I led you to water, but couldn't... Okay, okay.

And then he cut me off and said he'd be right over.

I'll keep a lookout.

Dick, have you seen Michael?

He's busy. He and George are monitoring the abscam thing.

You call Cupcake?

Michael, it's bad enough I can't afford the spring fashions. If you keep

stalling, I won't even get to try them on.

Steph, you're not the only one who's suffering here.

I'd give anything to see you in those outfits.

You would.

And I guess I'll have to bring them here.

They let you do that?

They do if you buy them.

She can be pretty damn understanding sometimes.

They're hard to find.

Tim, he's here.

All right, places, everybody. Now, remember, we've got to get DeVore to

money. If we don't do this right, DeVore goes scot -free and Harley could get

ten years in prison.

Okay, let's have fun with it.

Oh, hi, Mr. DeVore. Hi, Harley. I see you came right from the office.

You must be the Loudons.

I'm Emmett DeVore. Nice to meet you.

Sorry if I'm a little sticky. Hey, this is maple syrup country. We're used to

it.

Harley tells me you're having trouble making up your minds.

Well, I guess that's why he wanted us to talk to his boss.

Boss? No, no.

Friend.

Boy, this is a big place.

But I guess you need the space with those 16 kids.

How many?

Harley told me you had 16 kids.

Right, right. We tend to think of the Quints as one.

I think it is just great that you want to keep the family together even in the

hereafter. Well, inseparable in life and inseparable in death. Where are the

kids? They're not here.

Why don't you tell us about the graveyard?

Oh, certainly.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Whoa!

Take it from me.

After this graveyard, heaven may be a disappointment.

It's got a beautiful view of the river, and the price is criminal.

You're really quite the salesman, aren't you, Mr. DeVore?

Not really.

I just go by what my friend Harley here tells me.

And you know that Harley is not going to steer you into a bad deal.

I mean, look at him.

Oh, who's this?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Pa.

He must be one of our kids.

Why, Mikey.

We didn't even know you were home, dear.

Listen, I was trying to watch TV and something was interfering with the

Oh, I know what it is.

If you could just move up a little bit. That's it. That's UHF.

You can just slide down.

There. Now I'm sure my reception will be a lot better.

Well, just go on with your conversation as if I'd never been here. In fact, you

may want to back up a few sentences.

Cute kid.

Yeah, and that's why we don't want to bury him just anywhere.

Well, let's see.

16 kids.

We'll count the quints as five this time.

That's 18 plots. What would the damage be?

Harley. Oh, let's see.

350 per loved one.

Oops, I just took the square root of it.

That's $6 ,300, Harley. Well, why don't I...

Why don't I just give you $3 ,000 as a down payment in

cash?

That's nice, but the bucks stop there.

They don't have to.

Take the money, Harley.

Hey, this has been fun.

But... I have got a plane to catch, please. Don't get up. I don't want you

ruin Mikey's TV reception.

Harley, walk me to my car.

Oh, okay.

Harley, aren't you forgetting something?

Yeah.

What?

You can't go now. I gave you my money.

Now I want my paperwork.

Right, right. I can't go now. I've got receipts to sign and deeds to write

and... Oh, let's not forget those congratulations you own a grave cards to

out.

Right. Harley. Look, Mr.

DeVore, you're in a hurry. I'm busy.

You always end up with the money anyway.

So why don't you just take it and have a wonderful vacation?

What's with them?

Nothing. It's just a game. Bang, bang, you're dead.

Kyle, go recycle something.

This is too weird.

I'm going.

Here, take some cash with you.

Here's the 50.

Here's the 2. They're lucky.

Now you're not playing. Listen, I'm going to bring you up before the Beaver

Disciplinary Committee, mister. You'll be lucky if you get away with peanut

butter down your pants.

Disasterville, Dick.

And you really look pathetic there at the end.

But stop him. He's getting away.

And do what? Book him for making you all look like chumps?

Oh, Harley, we're sorry. We were trying to help.

I'm sorry, too.

Especially for all those people who lost money buying plots from me.

Well, me included.

Wait a minute.

You bought a plot?

Two. One for me and one for the missus. It was our anniversary.

Harley, if you bought Swampland, too, then you're a complete and total dupe.

Now, wait just a minute.

Harley, he's saying you're innocent.

Oh. Oh.

That's wonderful.

All right, where's the phone? I'm going to put it on an APB.

Whoa, an APB.

I never did that before.

Aladdin, I've got just two words for you.

Peanut butter.

What? We died for you, Dick.

Now it's your turn.

Bang, bang, you're dead.

I... I always loved you.