Original subtitles

Uh, Dick?

Yeah, George?

Thursday is Valentine's Day, and I've been trying to think of a special gift

that shows how I feel about you and Joanna without being mushy.

So, what's your shoe size?

Nine and a half, George.

Oh, boy. Are you gonna be surprised?

Hi, George. Hi, Michael. Nice plaid.

Dick, you know what Thursday is?

Valentine's Day.

Got any plans for that day? Well, Joanne and I always have a special traditional

Valentine's Day dinner. She cooks up a fancy meal and I lay out a hell of a

gorgeous table.

Well, leave the afternoon free for a special Valentine's edition of Vermont

Today. Gee, I don't know. With guest of honor, Franklin Todd, Ph .D., a .k .a.

The Love Doctor.

You got Dr.

Todd?

I've heard of him.

Michael, I can't believe you actually signed an interesting guest.

Oh, and Dick, when I think of Valentine's Day, something else comes to

Gals.

And that gave me an idea for your show. Michael, if this is some kind of ploy to

get women with skimpy clothing on the show... Dick, give me credit for better

judgment than that.

That's more of a Memorial Day kind of thing.

No, I'm talking about you co -hosting with a woman, and who better than your

very own Valentine?

You mean Joanna?

I don't think so. Dick, I thought you liked her.

I don't want my wife as co -host. It would make me uncomfortable.

Dick, Dick, I misread you completely.

That's all right, Michael. No harm done.

Honey, which one of these will look better on television?

What do you think of Dr. Todd's book?

Listen to this. You must love everyone because love is the one free, miraculous

gift humanity can give to itself.

It's like a hundred -page Hallmark card.

How's this with the dress?

Great.

Did you read my list of interview questions?

Yeah, yeah, they're great.

I just hope I do a good job.

Honey, trust me, you'll be great.

Okay. Why don't you want me on the show?

Who says I don't want you on the show? Dick, whenever you say great in that

of voice, I know it means you've got problems out the kazoo.

Just like I know that you drum your fingers whenever the conversation starts

make you uncomfortable.

Well, maybe I do have a small problem with your being on the show.

Big, small, or...

Small, small.

No, it's only because you're my wife.

Well, that's just out and out huge.

The purpose of a host is to act like a sort of funnel through which the guest

reaches the viewers.

And if I have you on the air with me, I won't just be a funnel. I'll be a funnel

with a wife.

And people will start to wonder what the funnel's wife sees in the funnel.

And if they have any baby funnels.

Well, how about if I come on the show not as your wife, but as a cheese

Honey, if it'll make you happy to be on the show, then I want you on the show.

Really? Really.

Oh, thanks.

Where's your co?

If you mean Joanna, Stephanie took her to the hairdresser. They should be here

any minute.

Well, call me romantic, but this is my favorite holiday. A time of love and

giving and good feelings.

Damn, I didn't get Steph a gift.

You think I could convince her I forgot Valentine's Day?

I'm a dead man.

Get across the street to Whitsitt Jewelers. Pick out something nice for

Stephanie. Get a gift wrap. Bring it back.

Work seven.

Oh, and get a car.

And sign it for me.

Boy, can't live with him, can't live without him.

Stephanie or Chuck?

Hi, honey.

What do you think?

You hate it.

That's not what I said.

Well, I know what you mean when you say fine.

But if I can't say great and I can't say fine, then how do I convince you that I

like it? Just say you like it.

Okay, then I like it. Thanks a lot, Dick.

Here's your present.

Where's mine?

Let's save yours for last. Oh, must be a good one. I can't wait.

Me either.

Just what I needed.

A pair to match every one of your sweaters. Go ahead. Try one on.

Perfect.

Now, where's my present?

Well, Joanna, you look terrific.

What have you done?

I took off my coat.

It works.

He's right. You look groovy.

Actually, Muffin, I have something to tell you. What?

I have it.

It's jewelry.

Come and look.

Oh, what a pretty car.

To the best little bud that ever trod sod.

The day just brings out the Rod McKeown in me.

Open it up.

Oh.

Very large pagoda earrings.

Do you like them?

Well, let me walk around them.

I, uh, I think they're distinctive. Don't you, too?

Michael, sweet cake.

actually went into Whitsitt Jewelers, walked past the opal bracelet in the

window, and said to Mr.

Whitsitt, give me the heaviest pair of earrings in the store.

And do you have a card? I want to write something really tasteless.

To tell you the truth, Steph, I didn't exactly pick them out.

What exactly did you do?

I picked the man who picked them out.

Sugar Plum, I was so darn busy.

We're doing this special show. Joanna's never done TV before, and Dick is

riddled with doubts about it.

Is that true?

I don't think the word riddled actually came out.

In other words, you lied to me the other night. Hello, hello.

You must be Dick Loudon. I love you.

You better be the love doctor.

This is my wife, Joanna.

One minute to air. Places, please.

And that was Michael's girlfriend, Stephanie.

Something's going on here.

Could it be love?

Oh, yeah.

We're riddled with it.

Partly we love the beloved.

And partly we love the beloved's love.

But there's nothing we love to love more than love itself.

Can't argue with that.

Our guest today is Dr.

Franklin Todd, and our topic is, well, love.

This might be a good time to open up the phone lines. Joanna, maybe you'd like

to tell the viewers how they can call in.

There's the phone.

Call in.

I can't think of anything to add.

Except maybe the number to call is 555 -LOVE.

You're on the air.

Dick, you and Joanna have been married 18 years.

How do you keep it from going stale?

Well, I'm glad you brought that up.

Joanna and I have... always worked very hard at keeping the lines of

communication open. Right, honey?

I hope that answers your question.

Well, not exactly.

You know, that raises a very interesting point.

How can a couple keep that first love zing alive?

Beats me.

Well, actually, I have an exercise that's designed just for that purpose.

All you do is you try to remember those little things about the other person

that first made you fall in love.

Joanna, tell us something that you remember about Dick.

Something nice.

That's right.

Well... Don't be shy. What is it?

Oh, it's just... Well...

He was always showing up at my door, nicely dressed, but wearing a mismatched

pair of socks.

It was so cute.

And to this day, if his socks aren't laid out for him, he'll put on a pair

doesn't match.

Isn't that wonderful?

It's your turn, Dick.

Oh, well, that should be easy.

Let's see.

What?

Well, Joanna isn't a squeamish person, but once I went over to

help her with spring cleaning, and she

was standing on top of this table.

Dick.

Yeah, it turned out that she was terrified of dust bunnies.

Dust bunnies?

Yeah, you know, those little balls of dust that collect under furniture.

She's got a real phobia about them.

No, I don't. Oh, come on, honey, it's cute.

No, it's not. It's silly, and you're just making a fool of yourself.

I see a dust bunny.

Now, is that cute or what?

No.

That's one of the most insensitive things I've ever seen.

Yeah, see, Joanna understands that...

Darn, time for a commercial.

We'll be right back in just a minute with...

Well, more love than you can shake a stick at.

Whoa.

Boy, Dick, that's the nicest Valentine's Day dinner table you ever set.

Yeah, I really, really knocked myself out.

Yeah, I don't blame you. I caught the show.

Maybe you should get Joanna a nice gift.

Yeah, I did. She's out exchanging it.

Well, sit down. Here's something to cheer you up.

Coconut candy. Happy Valentine's Day.

Thanks, George.

Oh, gee, Dick, you hate coconut candy, don't you?

Yeah, George.

Well, I like... coconut dick, so why don't I just take

this and give you these?

Shoes.

Surprise! I really got you with the candy thing, didn't I?

Yeah, I walked right into that, too.

Thanks, George.

Joanna still hates caramels, right?

Yeah. Great!

This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

What, uh, what can I do for you guys?

Being that it's Valentine's Day, we have a present for Miss Stephanie.

She, she isn't, she isn't here right now. That's okay.

We don't mind waiting.

Ooh, Valentine's shoes.

We thought of getting her some, but...

They've become kind of cliched.

Hi, honey. How'd it go at the store? I exchanged your gift for some potting

soil.

And a very large credit, I hope.

This has been one of the most humiliating days of my life.

First, that nasty little Ralphie Hawkins rode past me on his bike and...

dropped a dust bunny down my back.

And then at the market, the manager said to me, I wouldn't go down aisle four.

They're sweeping back there.

And then when I went back out to the car, this was stuck on the windshield.

Who you gonna call?

Dust bunny busters.

We ain't...

no dust bunnies.

The whole town is laughing at me.

Oh, I got you a present.

Hey.

Typing paper.

I hope it's the kind you like.

Gotta be darn close.

Whoa. Ditto.

Nice table. Yeah.

At least Dick.

Has good taste.

Cupcake, I don't know what more I can do to make it up to you. Would it help if

I fired Chuck?

Miss Stephanie?

Roses are red, violets are blue. Here.

Would you mind reaching in there for me? See, this is a silk dress and this is

my hand.

We had to clean out three septic tanks to get it.

You mean to get the money for it.

Okay.

Steffi, you've got to forgive me.

One more time on my knees, I could kiss this crease goodbye.

We can discuss this over an evening of reckless spending.

There's your dinner.

Fish sticks.

The cooking instructions are on the box.

Honey, I know how you feel.

Oh?

Were you the one who was embarrassed in front of thousands of viewers?

You're right. What can I do to make it up to you?

Nothing. I'm just going to be mad forever.

Don't think I can't see you, Anthony Hawkins!

Thank you, Miss Peabody, for that insight into the... perils of substitute

teaching.

I've concluded this interview a little early because a few days ago on our

Valentine's show, I inadvertently humiliated my wife.

Well, this afternoon, I'm going to do the same to me.

Here it goes.

Once when I was in college and really needed money, I heard

this art class wanted models for an Adam and Eve painting.

Well, I volunteered, and since I was Adam, all they

gave me to wear was a figure.

a fig leaf.

I was really, really strapped for cash that semester.

Anyway, when I came out in my costume, the whole class

and Eve voted to replace me with a bowl of fruit.

Ever since then, I've had what you could call a phobia about...

about art.

Well, see you next week on Vermont Today.

Joanna, I hope this did the trick.

And thank you, Miss Peabody, for being on the show.

I'm in the dining room.

Whoa.

Nice table.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I've been acting silly.

No, no, you haven't.

I finally understand how you felt.

Thursday was just a bad day.

Let's make tonight our Valentine's Day.

I've got champagne chilling, and I've got veal cordon bleu in the oven.

Well, I guess you really appreciated the show today.

Oh, there wasn't enough time to make a dinner like this and watch the show.

You missed the show?

Yeah, first time ever.

But the table, the dinner, why?

Because I love you.

I couldn't stay mad forever.

But you said you would.

You promised you'd stay mad forever.

Dick, did something happen on the show?